Don't Let Me Drown

I parked my car on the small cliff overlooking the ocean and got out. I sat on the hood for hours, watching the waves crash over the rocks. I was smoking a cigarette and watching the sunset when I decided to turn my phone back on.

Five missed called from Tom, two from Matty, and a couple text messages.

Jaded: mums home tonight, sorry love

TomTom: whether you're with him or not, you're still my friend. I'm worried about you. Call me.

I clicked on his name and he picked up the phone quickly. "Are yeh alright? Where are yeh?" He said. I could hear Oli and Matt bickering with each other in the background.

"I'm fine. Don't worry about me" I told him honestly. I didn't need or want him to worry. Worry never solved anything. In truth, I was fine. I shouldn't be, but I am.

"I'm coming to get yeh. Where are yeh?" He asked again.

"No you're not." I said flatly.

"Are you mad at me?" He asked.

"No. It wasn't fair to ask you to keep it from him in the first place. I'm not mad, I just don't want to see him right now" I told him.

"Well he's not coming. I don't want to deal wiff him either," he laughed, "now tell me where yeh are or I'm gonna track your phone"

"Well do that cause I have no idea" I chuckled.

"Can I come too?!" I heard Matt yell in the background, and then a door slam shut as I assume Oliver left the room.

"Sure" I giggled. Tom and I said goodbye and he told me he'd see me soon before hanging up. It was nearly dark now and the wind was starting to blow. I pulled my thin hoodie closer to my body to try and keep warm, the rest of my jackets were buried somewhere in my trunk. Thankfully, it didn't take them too long to get here, only about an hour.

Matt gave me a huge grin as he got out of the car. "What the fuck are yeh doing all the way out here?" He laughed.

"I dunno. Just kept driving until I ran out of road" I shrugged as they sat on either side of me.

"Running away from yeh problems won't fix them" Matt said.

"Neither would staying in Sheffield" I answered and they both shrugged, seeing my point.

"He's been a wanker lately, he'll probably be calling yeh tomorrah" tom told me, putting an arm around my shoulder. I didn't know what to say. He wouldn't call me tomorrow. I'm the one who fucked up again, not him. He wanted nothing to do with me until I told him everything. I wasn't sure what everything entailed. He'd be even angrier when he found out I'd been living in my car and I wasn't quite ready to tell him about my father, or even my mother for that matter.

Obviously he wanted to know why I wasn't going to school, but would he really want to know I skipped class so often so didn't have to deal with everyone talking about us? If we stayed apart, he could find someone more deserving, someone his fans approved of.

"I fink we need to cheer her up" Tom whispered loudly over me to Matt, making me smirk, but then I shook my head.

"He's your brother, Tom," I said, "and your friend, Matt. You should be there with him. He's not gonna be happy that you're both with me" I told them and I saw them shoot each other a look without responding to me.

"I've got a plan" Tom smiled. "Matt, take Ivy's car and follow us"

"I can drive myself," I laughed, "and I need to get gas, I'm almost on empty" but Tom shook his head and Matt reached into the pocket of my sweatshirt, pulling out my keys. I rolled my eyes at them and went into my car to give Matt money to fill my tank. He argued for a minute but eventually took the $40 from my hand.

"Where are we going?" I asked tom as he shifted his car into Drive.

"To a party" he answered, backing out onto the road.

"I don't really want to go to a random party right now" I said. If there was a party in Sheffield, Oliver would probably be there with the rest of band and I didn't want to answer 20 questions with them.

"Well I'm throwing it so it's not random. It'll be fun, yeh'll see. Oli's not invited" he said. We drove to the nearest gas station and waited for Matt to finish up so he could follow us to wherever we were going. "Are yeh sure yeh alright?"

---------------------

20 minutes later, we were sitting in a huge hotel room. Matty and Tom were both on their phones ordering food and inviting people and I was scrolling through my Tumblr to pass the time. The room filled up with people quickly but I stayed on my spot on the couch, not in the mood to party or socialize.

Matt joined me after a little while, introducing me again to Ally, the girl from Drop Dead, who he had been talking to for last couple of weeks. "Yeh need to loosen up and get in a better mood!" He said, nudging my shoulder, "I'm gonna get us all some drinks" he smiled before getting up and leaving the two of us alone.

"So how are yeh and Oli?" She asked me with a smile.

"Non-existant. I thought he would have told you" I answered. Oliver seemed to be decent friends with her, I assumed he would have texted her earlier.

"No, he didn't," she said, furrowing her eyebrows together, "what happened?"

"It's a long story. I fucked up and I don't think he's going to forgive me anytime soon"

"Well, I don't know what happened, but I do know that Oliver doesn't forgive easily. But I also know he's absolutely mental for yeh, so who knows?" She tried to reassure me. Thankfully, Matt returned by now, handing us each a drink. I took a sip and nearly choked.

"What the fuck is in this? It tastes like nail polish remover!" I laughed and Ally nodded in agreement. Matty just shrugged and soon took Ally over to talk to a group of his other friends.

"It's a party, why are yeh ovah here all by yehself" tom said a few minutes later as he plopped down next to me. I shrugged in response and he put his arm around my shoulder, squeezing it a little. "How can I cheer you up?"

"Get me a time machine" I chuckled, raising my cup and taking a long drink.

"Can yeh come by drop dead tomorrah? I need some more pictures for the site" he said after a minute.

"I kind of assumed I was fired" I told him, finishing off my drink.

"Yeh the best model we've got, he can't fire yeh" tom laughed, standing up and taking me with him to get more drinks. We chatted for a bit and once we finished our second cups, he took me into the bedroom full of people. Someone had set up beer pong on top of the bed. He challenged Matt and Ally to a game against the two of us.

They played first, sinking a few shots, before it was our turn. I missed and Tom got a couple in. We ended up losing and I was very drunk by the end. Tom had made me drink the majority of our cups, claiming I needed it more than him.

"I need a smoke" I giggled to him before walking out onto the balcony, him following to do the same. I took out my phone and saw that Oliver had texted me an hour ago.

OloberSyko: are you doing the shoot tomorrow or do I need to find someone else?

I tried to text him back but my vision was slightly blurred and my clumsy hands hit the 'call' button instead.

"Shit! I hit call, what do I do?" I laughed to Tom.

"Talk!" He laughed back. I put the phone up to my ear and tried my best to compose myself.

"Yeah?" He answered, already sounding annoyed.

"I, uh, hit the wrong button," I told him. He was silent. "I thought I was fired"

"Well if yeh want to quit, I won't stop yeh but yeh not fired" he replied flatly.

"Okay, can we talk?" I blurted out accidentally and Tom laughed beside me. I heard someone say something to Oli and then a girl close to him giggling. I had never been the jealous type before, but in my altered state of mind, my heart sunk into my stomach and all the moisture was sucked from my mouth.

"I told you, I don't want to talk. I've got to go" he said. I heard the girl with him whisper a "come on" before he hung up the phone.

He doesn't care about you anymore.

"Yeh alright? What happened?" Tom asked, breaking my stare off of the ground.

"I'm going to puke" I said, running towards the bathroom. My face was hot and I felt like someone punched me in the gut. I tried to close the bathroom door behind me, but Tom stuck his foot in to follow behind me. I dropped to the floor in front of the toilet and he picked my hair up out of my face.

"Thanks" I said in barely a whisper, before emptying all the liquor into it. He called Matt in and told him clear everyone out. I tried to protest, not wanting to ruin their party, but no words would come out.

---------

I woke up alone in the hotel bed. There was a note on the nightstand.

Had to go to work. Come whenever you can. Matt's in the living room if you need a ride. Call me if you need anything.
Xx Tom

My head was pounding and I was incredibly thirsty. I wasn't looking forward to getting out of bed, especially since it meant having to face Oli after that phone call last night. When I finally rolled out bed and left the room, I saw Matt laying on the couch eating breakfast he'd ordered from room service.

"Yeh hungry?" He asked when he saw me and I shook my head no. "Are yeh sure? Yeh haven't eaten anyfing yesterday"

"I'm okay. Just need some aspirin" I told him, grabbing a water out of the mini fridge.

"Right here" he chuckled tossing me the bottle. I poured a couple into my hand and took them quickly.

"Thanks. I have to go to Drop Dead, I'll see you later" I said before heading out the door. I quickly changed my clothes and put on some deodorant and perfume when I got to my car and started the drive back, noticing the $40 in my cup holder.

When I walked into the store, ally was behind the counter, looking as miserable as I'd felt this morning. I gave her a sympathetic smile before walking into the back. Tom was taking pictures of Oliver wearing a black sweatshirt that said Steel City across it and black skinny jeans.

"I fink we've got enough" he said after a few minutes and Oli nodded before walking away. He didn't even look at me. I changed my clothes and posed for my pictures. When I was done, tom wanted pictures of Oli and I together wearing the matching sweatshirts.

Still refusing to look at me, he joined me in front the white backdrop. We took some pictures standing next to each other, some holding hands, and a couple with Oli behind me holding on to my waist. I started feeling bad again. His touch only reminded me of how badly I'd ruined things. I started wondering if maybe I should quit and try to find something else.

When we had all the pictures we needed and Oli had walked away, I asked Tom if I could take a short break. I went outside and lit a cigarette to clear my head. I closed my eyes and took a long drag. When I opened them, Oliver was walking out the door, stopping a few feet away from me to light his own.

"I'm sorry" I said quietly, unsure if he'd even be able to hear me. I meant it wholeheartedly. I was sorry. Sorry for doing this to him. Sorry for doing this to myself. Sorry for lying to him. Sorry for hurting him. And sorry for hurting myself with my own actions. He turned towards me and looked me in the eyes, not saying anything. "Are we really done?" I asked. He looked away, taking a drag, and shrugged his shoulders. "Say something."

"What do yeh want me to say?" He said finally.

"Well 'oi forgive yeh Ivy and I love yeh' would be nice" I said, only half kidding. That earned a smirk from him but it disappeared almost as quickly as it'd arrived.

"Loving yeh doesn't change anyfing" he told me before going back inside.