Don't Let Me Drown

The bed for the spare room was delivered the next morning, though I was fine sleeping in Oli’s bed with him for as long as he would have me. The band was working on writing for their new album so he had to go meet up with them today and I was alone in the house until Tom came home from work.

It was weird living in someone else’s home. I knew I could probably trash the place and run around naked and neither of them would care, but I felt like I had to be careful with everything I touched. I felt like it was more of a visit than a place to call home, even though it should be.

The next week wasn't any different. Tom left for Drop Dead in the morning, most days Oli left a few hours later and I'd be here waiting until they got back. Some nights, the band or their other friends would come over to hang out, but most nights were quiet. I'd play video games in the living room with Tom while Oliver was upstairs, trying to write.

When they both had to work, I did my best to occupy my mind. I did the dishes, put away Oliver's laundry, mopped the floors, and straightened up the living room until there was nothing left to be done. I still had a few hours left before they'd be back tonight and I wasn't sure what to do. I went back into the bedroom and curled up on to his bed, looking through Instagram. I tried to keep my eyes open, but I was so tired. I was always tired lately. I must have fallen asleep because the next thing I knew, Tom was shaking me awake.

"Wake up, sleepyhead!" He yelled, making me groan and roll over to face him.

"Shit, sorry. I didn't mean to fall asleep" I said, sitting up.

"It's okay, do what evah yeh want," he laughed, "the bands downstairs, they want to see yeh" he said with a smile. I nodded and he wandered out of the room, leaving me to change out of the pajamas I'd been in all day. I threw on a pair of skinny jeans and a tank top that fit just slightly looser than it had a few months ago. I ran a mascara wand through my lashes and headed down the stairs.

"Ivy!" Vegan yelled, holding his drink in the air. I laughed at him and joined them, sprawled out on the couches. Tom, Ally, and myself listened to the 5 of them talk about their band practice for what seemed like forever. Matt was trying to show us his drum solo using only his mouth and everyone laughed at him, except for Oli.

"What's the matter?" I asked him quietly, putting my hand on his knee to stop it from bouncing up and down like a jackhammer.

"Huh? Noffing, just got to take a piss," he said, kissing my forehead as he stood to leave the room. He returned to the space next to me a few minutes later. I saw Tom and Ally both give him a look but I wasn't sure why. We kept up with the conversations around us for a little while until he started to doze off next to me.

"Are you tired?" I asked him and he just shrugged, turning his attention to what his brother was saying. He seemed fine, but still a little bit off somehow and I couldn't help but feel like I was missing something.

PoisonIvy: is he okay?
TomTom: no. I think he took something.

I slid my phone discreetly back into my pocket before he could glance over and see it. I knew Oli had always been one for party drugs, we'd even done then together a while back, but why now? It wasn't a party and no one else was doing anything. I chalked it up to him having a rough day at the studio and just hoped it wouldn't become a habit.

He wasn't even paying attention to anyone anymore, just looking blankly around the room. I kept finding myself not following either, too wrapped up in my own thoughts. I suggested to him that we head to bed and he agreed, following me lazily up the stairs before collapsing himself across the bed.

"Is everything okay?" I asked him.

"Course. Why wouldn't it be?"

"I don't know, you just seem weird tonight" I answered sitting down next to him. He reached his arm out to pull me closer to him.

"Yeh always fink I'm weird" he smirked. I laughed, knowing how true that was, and leaned over him to give him a kiss. He returned it, but didn't react at all as my lips moved lower down his neck, chest, and abdomen. It wasn't until I reached the button on his pants that he stopped me. "I'm tired, Ivy" he said, rolling into his side and facing away from me.

Now I know something is wrong. Oliver very much loved sex, and id never seen or heard of him turning it down before. Either whatever he took was messing with his head, or it had something to do with me. Probably both.

Even though I'd napped earlier, I was exhausted. I turned to face away from Oli, waiting to drift to sleep, but my mind kept me up for hours.

Something's wrong. He's keeping secrets. What did you do? Must have been something. If only you were worth his time.

My mind continued to race and I knew I wouldn't be able to sleep for a while. I stood up to go downstairs, but became dizzy and had to sit for a moment. I knew I needed to eat something. Something small, but something. I got back up and headed quietly to the kitchen. I opened the fridge and dug around in search of something that wouldn't make me feel disgusting. The light overhead snapped on, revealing a shirtless Tom on his way to the sink.

"What are yeh doing up this late?" He asked as I closed the fridge, not finding anything.

"Just got a little hungry. I'm sorry for waking you" I told him as I stood up from the floor. I became lightheaded again, and gripped the counter to keep steady.

"Yeh didn't. Is everyfing okay?" He asked.

"I'm fine, just not feeling that great. Headache" I lied, but he wouldn't drop it.

"Yeh look like yeh about to pass out. When's tha last time yehve eaten?" He asked quietly, leading me to a chair.

"Lunchtime," I told him, lying yet again, "I'm getting a migraine, I promise that's all it is".

He looked at me strangely, then slowly nodded his head before saying goodnight and returning to his room. I looked through the cabinets, finally deciding to make a piece of toast. When the toaster popped up I quickly ate the bread, my body yearning for nutrients. I waited a while for my head to stop spinning before trying the stairs.

When I felt well enough to go up them, I walked back into Oliver's room to see him wide awake sitting up on the bed.

"What were yeh doing down there?" He said flatly. His eyes seemed to be going right through me.

"Making toast." I answered slowly, confused as to why he was asking.

"Wiff tommy?"

"No. He just went to get water. Why are you acting like this?" I wondered. He stared at me a moment longer and then quickly shook his head.

"I don't know. Sorreh. Come back to bed." And I did. His arms pulled me close to him as I climbed under the blankets, exhaustion weighing heavy on my eyelids.

I woke up next to Oliver, who was running his fingers through my hair. "Morning, love" he said, kissing my hair. I repeated it back to him and we went downstairs for breakfast. Oli was starving, scarfing down mouthful after mouthful of food. When he was finished I took his plate to the sink and dumped the mess I made on mine into the trash bin.

The day went on similarly to the last, only he stayed home today to try to write. He locked himself in the bedroom while I cleaned up last night’s mess in the living room and kitchen. Every so often, I'd hear him groan loudly to himself and papers being crumple up. After a few hours I decided to check on him. When I opened the door, he was sprawled out on the bed, his arm covering his face. There were balled up pages from his notebook thrown all over.

"Are you alright, Oli?" I asked quietly so as not to startle him.

"Fucking fantastic" he mumbled under his breath.

"Do you need anything?" I asked him just before closing the door on my way out.

"To be left alone" he said, almost sounding like a growl. I curled in a ball on the couch, mindlessly watching tv until I could talk to Tom. I don't know if it was me or if that's just how he was when he wrote, but I didn't like the way Oli was acting lately. I couldn't say anything to him though. If it was drugs, like Tom had suggested, I had no right. I used to do them daily and Oli stuck by me every step of the way. He took care of me when I need taking care of and not once did he give up on trying to help me cope better.

I knew his brother would be home any minute now, so I went outside for a cigarette. When I was halfway through it, his car pulled into the driveway and he got out with Lee.

"We need to talk" I told him as he got closer to me. He nodded to Lee telling him to head inside. "What has he been taking?" I asked when we were alone.

"Ketamine" he sighed, shoving his hands deep into his pockets.

"What is that?" I wondered. I'd been around the block and back but I'd never heard of this one.

"Sort of a tranquilizer. Makes yeh numb to everyfing, yeh hallucinate, and lots and lots of mood swings" he trailed off, not looking at me. It seemed like he was afraid to see my face. Scared of the worry held in my eyes.

"Why didn't anyone tell me this before?" I asked him. He paused for a while, taking a deep breath before answering me.

"Because it's not the first time. He's done this before. Nearly killed himself wiff 'em. It's gonna get worse. Always gets worse. I wanted to protect yeh, I guess" I nodded slowly, unsure of what to say. I glanced back at the house, taking the last drag of my cigarette. Oliver was in the window, staring down at the two of us. His face was cold, blank. I looked back at Tom and he gave me sympathetic smile.

"We should get back in there before he punches me for sleeping wiff yeh again" he smirked. I laughed dryly at his joke and followed him back in the front door. I said hello to Lee and went upstairs to the spare room to take a nap. I was awoken a few hours later, this time by Oli.

"Why aren't yeh in my bed?" He asked sadly.

"You told me to leave you alone" I mumbled, still waking up. He looked at me, confused, and then nodded his head as he looked away.

"The guys are downstairs" he said quietly before walking out, and the night repeated almost the same as the last. We all talked for a bit, Oliver off in his own little world, and we went up to bed early. He passed out almost instantly and I couldn't get my brain to turn off yet again.

Tom said it would get worse. How much worse? Protect me from what? I finally fell asleep from pure exhaustion. When I woke up, Oliver was at the desk in the corner scribbling something in a notebook.

"Finally. I fought yeh were gonna sleep all day" he grumbled.

"Sorry. You should have woken me up" I muttered, slowly climbing out of bed.

"The kitchen needs cleaning" he said, turning back to his scribbles.

"Excuse me?" I scoffed.

"The kitchen is a mess. Clean it" he said harshly.

"Who gave you the right to order me around?" I answered, pissed off at the way he was speaking to me.

"I did. Yeh living here for free, aren't yeh? Don't do much of anyfing else"

"I have no problem paying you rent or moving out if that's what you want. You're the one that forced me to move here in the first place."

"Oh, please. Yeh were begging to live here" he scoffed at me, turning around. I shook my head in disbelief. He and I both knew how far that was from the truth. I walked over to stand right in front of him.

"You need to stop this. You're high at 10 am? This may be some big joke to you, but it's not funny." I said and he stood up angrily, pointing his finger in my face as he spoke.

"Of all people, you don't get to talk to me about this" he spat. He walked out of the room, down the stairs, and opened the front door.

"Where are you going?" I yelled from the top step.

He simply replied "out" before slamming the door behind him. Tom came out of his room to see what all the noise was.

"Everyfing alright?" He asked.

"When is it ever?" I said, rolling my eyes and returning to the bedroom. I gathered up necessities and moved them to the spare room. He can be a dick all he wants, doesn't mean I have to be there to hear it. When I was finished, I drove up the street to the bank and withdrew $800, leaving it in his nightstand with a note reading, rent.

He didn't return home until late at night. Tom, Matt, and I were on the couch under a big blanket watching a movie. We all turned as we heard the door slam closed after he walked in, an extremely skinny black-haired girl following behind. He glanced in our direction, giving us all a smirk, before bringing her upstairs. My eyes followed them up, Matt’s returned to the movie, and Tom’s were watching me carefully waiting for a reaction. But a reaction was exactly what Oliver wanted and I refused to give him the satisfaction.

"Don't worreh, high or not he's not dumb enough to cheat on yeh" Tom said after a couple minutes. And this time, he was right. If they were having sex, we'd be able to hear it. Ten minutes later, the girl left alone, complaining on her way out that he fell asleep.