Don't Let Me Drown

I slept in the other bedroom for the first time that night. The next morning, I woke up first for a change. Around 1 pm, Oliver finally decided to get out of bed and grace the world with his presence. "What are yeh doing all that for?" He asked, coming up behind me and wrapping his arms around my waist while I finished scrubbing the last countertop.

"Master Oliver ordered me to yesterday" I answered sarcastically and rolled my eyes.

"Dobby has no master. Dobby is a free elf" he responded, mimicking the voice, but I didn't laugh. He took the sponge out if my hand and tossed it into the sink. I turned to look at him to see what he wanted and he gave me a gentle kiss on the lips. I half-heartedly returned it because although I was upset with him, I still loved him. He deepened the kiss after a moment and his hands gripped my ass as he was about to lift me into the counter. I pulled away and pushed him back just slightly so he'd get the hint that I wasn't into it. All of my recent attempts had been shut down by him. I wasn't about to give in to him.

"Have I realleh lost yeh already?" He asked me quietly. I could hear the hurt in his voice. He was actually sad about it. I felt a lump form in my throat as I thought about what to say.

"I don't know" I shrugged as I looked to the floor. I don't know why I said that. Unfortunately for the both of us, he'd never lose me, no matter what he did. After everything we'd been through together, I was so attached to him and I didn't think anything could sever the strings. Maybe I said it to give him a taste of his medicine. His wishy washy mood and hurtful comments popped up in every conversation now. Maybe I wanted him to feel it too.

"Fine," he said clenching his jaw and backing up, "guess it's time for someone new" he spat. He slammed the front door on his way out.

Three days he was gone. Tom had no idea where he was either. I only knew he was back because I got up in the middle of the night to find him passed out on the couch. I went quickly back up into my room and back to sleep. When I woke up again, I could hear something strange coming from downstairs.

I went to investigate and found Oli throwing up into the kitchen garbage. I sighed and went to help him. I brought him a cup of water and a napkin to wipe his mouth with. "Go away" he muttered before heaving into the bin again. I ignored him and instead gathered up his hair in my hands to keep it clean until he was finished.

"Fanks" he said after wiping his mouth.

"You're welcome" I answered.

That was the extent of our relationship for the next couple of months. He and I barely spoke to each other and when we did it was an argument. Once every so often, he’d remind me that he loved me in passing, but nothing more. When he was sick or hurt, I cleaned him up and we went our separate ways. He’d say something rude and not remember doing so five minutes later. We had no physical contact anymore. He never kissed me or anything like that. We slept in separate beds. But he still acted like I was his property. He got mad whenever I hung out with Tom and in return would bring a girl home. I still talked to Tom, but only when Oli was out or sleeping to avoid another fight.

The days were all on repeat. I felt more alone than ever. Tom was right, he was getting worse. And in return, so was I. My mind was getting the best of me more and more often, and now I was keeping close to nothing down, but I still felt gross. There was never a time when he wasn't high. The band barely came around anymore. They didn't approve of his behavior either. I thought about moving out probably a million times, but Tom begged me not to. He didn't want to be the only one here putting up with him and I couldn't blame him. He and I spent a lot of time together late at night, keeping to ourselves and out of Oliver's way during the day.

It was Tom’s birthday today, so there was a party going on at the house. It was pretty late and everyone was drunk. Oli was talking to me here and there, and I knew he was high again, but he was almost nice. Tom and I danced together for a bit and I could see Oli across the room, hitting on some girl wearing barely anything. He brought her up the stairs and I watched them go.

He's going to fuck her. He doesn't care about you. He doesn't love you anymore. Haven't you realized that yet? You're nothing to him.

"Yeh alright Ivy?" Tom asked, following my gaze to the two of them disappearing upstairs. "I'm sorreh. He's a fucking wanker. Don't let him get to yeh" he said. I nodded and pretended it didn't bother me.

But it did. A lot. Oliver Sykes was the first and only person I've ever loved. He's the only one who ever made me feel like I was worth something. The only one who saw through the dark.

The two of them came back downstairs a little while later while I was talking to a very drunk Vegan. I saw him walk her to the door and she kissed him on the cheek before leaving. He walked over to the two of us when he was finished and wrapped his arm loosely around my waist. "Hey, love" he slurred.

Hey love? HEY LOVE? Are you kidding? I wanted to linger there with his arm wrapped around me. I needed the contact. I was dying for it. But I felt a lump form in my throat and my eyes began to water at all the words I was trying to choke down and not scream in his face. I kept telling myself that it wasn’t his fault, that it was the drugs, but it was a hard fact to believe. I shook my head at him and walked away, heading upstairs to do the only thing that would make me feel better.

“Have too much to drink?” I heard as I reached up to flush the toilet. It was Tom standing in the doorway. I hadn’t even heard the door open.

“Yeah. But I’m okay now” I told him, rinsing my mouth and wiping my eyes before going back to the party with him.

It’s okay. He doesn’t know.

A few people had left but the rest were still partying. The band and a bunch of girls were piled on top of each other on the couches and Tom led me over to them. He took a seat next to his brother and I sat across from them between Ally and Vegan. They were all in the middle of playing truth or dare. If I had realized it earlier, I wouldn’t have sat down. I didn’t like this game in general, especially with drunk people, and especially now with the way Oliver was. I didn’t partake in it for a while, until I was called out on it.

“Yeh too scared to play?” Oli smirked. I shook my head and waited for him to hit me with the question. “Truth or dare?”

“dare.” I answered, only because he was the one asking and I was afraid of what the truth option would be.

“Kiss Tommy” he said, his face serious. Tom smacked his arm and shook his head, avoiding my eyes.

“No.” That’s what he wanted. He wanted me to kiss his brother so he had proof. He had been accusing us of it for as long as I can remember. Tom and I had never had any romantic interaction before but for some reason Oliver had it stuck in his head that we were screwing around behind his back.

“Why not? Yeh already do it when I’m not around” he said. The room grew quiet as everyone became uncomfortable with the turn this had taken.

“Fuck you. I’m not playing this” I told him, shaking my head. Tom left the room and returned with a drink for each of us. I thanked him and he said, “yeh gonna need it”. Again, he was right. The game picked back up shortly after. Matt dared Vegan to streak through the house and we all saw a little more of him than we needed to. Vegan dared Tom to drink of smoothie he had put together with random shit from the kitchen.

The majority of them chose dare hen their turn came around, and only a few were asked for a truth. Oliver’s turn was next and he turned towards the girl sitting where I should be with her legs across his lap. “Truth or dare?”

“Dare”

“Blow me” he smirked and ran his hand up her thigh. He was intentionally trying to piss me off. I’d been quiet the whole game and ignored him when he tried asking me to pick one. He didn’t like being ignored, so I made sure to keep it up. He knew his words would eventually get to me so he would keep going until he got the attention he wanted. The group was in an uproar of protests. Some of them were upset that he had even said that with me sitting right here, others just didn’t want to see it. Tom gave me a sympathetic look as they all settled down and continued on playing.

A while later, most of the house was empty and they were running out of dares. “What do yeh hate most about yehself?” Matt asked Ally as her truth question.

“My chubby tummy, but I’m working on it” she answered.

“Just start frowing up yeh food. Fixes everyfing. Right, Ivy?” Oli laughed. If Tom’s head snapped up any faster, he would have gotten whiplash. Ally looked at me with worry and Tom wouldn’t stop staring. I couldn’t even begin to describe the million emotions plastered across his face. I took a long sip of my drink, avoiding eye contact with everyone, and took my cigarettes and lighter off the end table to go outside and hopefully calm down.

Have you ever felt true pain? The kind that shakes you to your core? It’s like a volcano inside of you. The heat and pressure just builds up under the surface. You know it’s there, you feel it coming, but you can’t escape. Your body is a volcano and one day it’s bound to erupt. It’s like someone cutting open your rib cage and jamming their fingers in the wounds as the lava pours out. You skin tingles and your brain can’t form a single coherent thought. You can’t breathe. You can’t cry. Nothing will come out of your mouth. It’s a silent panic attack. Alone. On somebody’s front porch at 4 a.m., holding your mangled heart in your hands.

I finished my cigarette and lit another one, trying to stop shaking. “I’ve been told I owe yeh and apology” I heard Oliver’s voice behind me. I didn’t turn around. I didn’t speak. I couldn’t. Upon hearing him speak, my eyes filled up. He still sounded the same. My Oliver was in there somewhere, just buried deep down, and it broke my heart.

“I don’t know what I said, or why I said it, but I’m sorreh” he said. As the last syllable finished rolling off his tongue, my palm collided with his cheek, making a loud slap. “Probably deserved that” he said, clenching his jaw. I pushed past him, back into the house, and went into my room, ignoring the wide eyes and open mouths aimed at me from the couch.