Don't Let Me Drown

Whenever she was asked about the incident, she would either say, "I don't want to talk about it" or she’d brush it off like we were all overreacting. We weren't. He never should have touched her. After he did, the look on his face showed he knew he got in over his head. It's the reason he agreed to check in in the first place. Sheep and Jordan brought Oli to the parking lot and he asked them, or should I say begged them, to take him to rehab. They said he cried on the way there as he realized what he did.

He'd been gone almost a week and none of us had heard from him as they weren't allowed cell phones. I knew where he was but Ivy didn't. She never asked and would tell me she didn't want to know. I felt so much sympathy towards her. Nobody needs to go through that. She spent a lot of time hidden away in her bedroom, but seemed more at ease without him breathing down her neck. She would watch movies with me from time to time or help me do the shopping for the house.

I thought she'd get better without the drama surrounding her life, but I swear she looked smaller every day. Her collar and cheek bones protruded much more than they had last year when we met. If anything, I'd say she was getting worse. Sometimes I'd find her sitting on the couch or at the table checking his social media on her phone. But he wasn't posting, I was. I was taking care of his online presence so the fans of Bring Me wouldn't know what was going on. Occasionally, I'd post a picture of the two of them together, just to see her smile when she looked. I knew he wouldn't mind, he was infatuated with Ivy. And sadly, she was infatuated with him too.

"Do yeh want to come get groceries wiff me?" I asked her as we passed in the kitchen. She agreed and off we were. We strolled lazily through the aisles. I was trying to make my time with her last longer, knowing she'd lock herself back up in her room once we got home. She needed to get out of the house, at least this was something.

"Let's get some pigs feet" I joked as we walked past the packaged meat section.

"I'll cook them for dinner if you want" she said, not paying attention at all as she stared at her phone, checking for updates yet again.

"Ivy, relax. Give me yeh phone" I told her and she regretfully handed it over before I slipped it into my pocket. "So pigs feet for dinner then?" I smirked and she gave me a look of disgust before laughing.

"He's in rehab. Yeh say yeh don't want to know, but I know yeh do" I said once her face fell. She nodded slowly and turned to go down an aisle. We picked out a few more things for the house and got in line to pay. She seemed to be in a little bit of a better mood now, laughing and joking around with me. I loved her laugh. It's all I wanted to hear.

When the cashier was finished ringing us up she pulled out her debit card to pay, but I moved her hand away and swiped my own. "Yeh eat like a bird, yeh not paying for all this" I said and she stuck her tongue out at me.

When we reaching the parking lot, she jumped on the back and told me to push her. I obliged, taking her past my car and around the whole lot. She was laughing and her hair was blowing in the wind and it's the most beautiful I had ever seen her. She was happy.

"Ready to go home?" I asked and she nodded with a laugh, hopping off the cart. We loaded the groceries into the car and buckled ourselves in. We each took an armful into the house and I went back out to get the mail. A couple bills I'd pay with Oli's credit card, some junk mail, and an envelope addressed to Ivy.

"Here. This came for yeh" I said as I handed her the letter and her phone. She stared at the envelope for a second and took a deep breath, recognizing his handwriting. She took it up to her bedroom and didn't come out.

"Ivy?" I called through the door.

"Yeah?" She said and I heard her sniffle. She didn't get up and open the door like usual so I opened it. She was sitting on the bed with the open letter in her hands and wiping the tears from her eyes. "Are yeh all right?" I asked quietly, sitting down in front of her and placing a hand on her should. What could that letter have said to upset her?

"I'm fine, Tom" she said, looking back at the piece of paper.

"No yeh not" I knew she was lying. She always lied about how she was feeling. She always said she was fine when she wasn't, never wanting to admit it.

"I should hate him" she said quietly, a crack in her voice that broke my heart. “but I can’t”.

"Yeh deserve bettah. He's not worth yeh tears. No one one is. Yeh beautiful and smart and yeh a good person. He's lucky to have been loved by yeh and he's an arsehole for taking it for granted" I told her. She shook her head at the paper and looked up to meet my eyes with her own.

She watched me for a moment, then leaned forward and crashed her lips into mine. I rested my hands on the sides of her face and she moved her body closer to mine as we kissed. She parted her lips and tangled her fingers in my hair, moving herself into my lap. I wanted it to continue so badly, but she wasn't thinking.

"Yeh don't want to do this" I breathed against her lips. She didn't say anything, just unbuttoned my shirt and slid it down my shoulders. "Are yeh sure about this?"

"Very" she responded, leaning back on to the bed and pulling me down on top of her.

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We laid together for a while, holding each other's naked bodies in our arms, her head on my chest. I shouldn't have let it happen, and I should feel bad about it but I don't. My brother had been fucking around for the last month or so. He deserved it. Every little bit of it.

"What are you feeling right now?" I asked her.

"Nothing. I should feel guilty but I don't. I feel nothing." She said with a yawn.

"Get some sleep, love" I told her. She nodded her head and pulled the blankets up and she turned to face the other way. I took a deep breath trying to sort out my head. She felt nothing. I obviously didn’t expect her to feel the same towards me, but I thought she’d feel something. When her breathing evened out and I knew she'd drifted off, I picked up the letter off the nightstand to read.

4th June, 2013
Dear Ivy,
Do people still start off letters with dear? Should I have just written "Ivy,"? Feels weird writing to you and not hearing your voice. By now I'm sure you know where I am. You were right, it got out of hand. I don't even know where to begin besides I'm sorry. It’s strange, being in here. They keep telling us to do it for God. That God wants us to forgive ourselves. I don't believe in God but I believe in you. I'm not doing it for him. I'm not doing anything for him. I'm doing it for you. I know this is the end of us - rather, I know the end of us came a long time ago, but I'm doing this now for you. I don't remember much, but I know I probably hurt you and I hate myself for it. You're a blessing and a curse. A double edged sword. Giving up ketamine is easy. Giving up you is not. I can't sleep at night. I keep lying awake in bed feeling the empty spot on my chest where you used to lay your head. But it's needs to be over. I can't be with you and see all the pain I've caused. I can't live with what I've done. I'm sorry. I don't know what else to say besides I'm sorry.
-Oliver