Don't Let Me Drown

"Are yeh happy to be going home?" A nurse smiled at me as I finished signing my discharge papers. I nodded, not in the mood for conversations, and she handed me back my belongings I'd come in with. I had already called Jordan from the phone at the nurse’s station. He and Lee were waiting in the lobby.

"See ya nevah" I mumbled to myself, looking at the chipped powder blue paint along the hallway. I pushed open the glass door and the two of them stood up off the bench.

"Hey, Oli" Lee said nervously.

"How are yeh mate?" Jordan smiled at me, pulling me into a hug. I smiled back at him, my first real smile in months, and pulled Lee into the embrace. He didn't hesitate to join in. I knew I would never be completely forgiven but I was glad to know my band was still rooting for me.

"I'm good. I feel good. Just anxious mostly" I said, tugging on my beanie. They looked at each other and nodded, knowing exactly what I was talking about. Jordan put his arm around my shoulders and we all walked out to the car. He drove and Lee sat in the back.

"Did yeh tell Tom?" I wondered when we're only a block from the house. I had asked them not too. Nobody knew I was coming back today until I called them for a ride. I didn't really care who knew, but I knew Tom would tell Ivy. I was afraid she'd run from me. I know I need to give her space and let her go, but I need to say goodbye at least.

"No. The rest of the guys want to see yeh though, so they’ll stop ovah a bit lata" he explained, parking against the curb.

"Good luck, mate. Hope everyfing works out" Lee said, leaning forward to pat my shoulder. I nodded and said goodbye to them before exiting the car and walking up the sidewalk as slow as possible.

I took a deep breath and rang the bell, hoping the door wouldn't get slammed in my face. Tom opened it a minute later, talking on the phone. "I've got to call yeh back" he said and hung it up, moving out of the way so I could enter. His eyes flashed towards the stairs. That must be where she is; I could hear the shower running up there in the spare bedroom.

"Yeh look good, Oli. Healthy, for once" he smirked.

"I feel good." I said. We were left in an awkward silence for a moment until he put his arm around me and pulled me into a hug. The shower turned off and I saw his eyes flash towards the stairs again as he pulled away.

"She doesn't know yeh here" he said, "when everyfing settles down, we need to talk about it"

I nodded and were again left in silence. "Tom?" I heard her call, getting closer to the stairs. The sound of her voice made my heart race and my palms sweat. I was so nervous.

"Down here!" He yelled back and I heard her quiet footsteps getting closer and closer until she came into view.

I swear my heart must have stopped. I wanted to cry just looking at her. Tom had been right, she wasn't taking care of herself. She looked sick. Her skin was pale and her arms looked like twigs. It was a drastic difference from the Ivy I had first met. How long has this been going on unnoticed?

Her hair was still wet and she was wearing nothing but a long, loose t-shirt. She was frozen on the bottom step, looking between the two of us. Even though she was ill, she was still so fucking beautiful. My heart was still pounding as my brain scrambled to find a complete sentence.

"H-hi" she stuttered, watching me.

"Hey" I said quietly back. I expected Tom would walk away and let the two of us talk, but he stayed right next to me to protect her. I wanted to go over there and hold her in my arms, hug her and never let go, but I knew it wasn't what she'd want. "Can we talk?"

She nodded and led me up the stairs to the spare bedroom. There were packed up boxes lining the walls. The bed was bare apart from a single small blanket and a pillow. "I didn't know you were coming today"

"I know. I was afraid yeh'd run away from me" I told her and she nodded, knowing she probably would have. She was looking around the room - at the door, out the window, staring at the floor, anywhere except at me.

"I know yeh don't want to see me. I just wanted a chance to say goodbye, and tell how sorreh I am for everyfing. Tell yeh how much I value the time I got to spend wiff yeh"

She nodded and I saw her eyes start to water. "It's not that I don't want to see you. You have this hold over me, and I know I'm going to wind up forgiving you too quickly and end up resenting you my entire life. I don't want to wind up hating you"

"I get it. Don't forgive me. Not aftah everyfing I've done. I just want yeh to know that fings are different now. My mind is clear. I'm not going to do anyfing to hurt yeh evah again. I still love yeh so much but I know I need to let yeh go. I hope someday we can move on from this" I said, the most painful thing I've ever had to say.

My whole body hurts, knowing what I've done to her and knowing I've already lost her. I let her slip away and I didn't stop her from harming herself because I was too wrapped up in that god awful drug. I hate it. I hate myself and all those terrible decisions I was stupid enough to make.

She crossed her arms and tilted her head back to stare at the ceiling in an attempt to halt the liquid that already begun to spill from her eyes. I took a step closer but stopped myself, knowing she'd shy away from my touch. I wanted to hold her against my chest, the sound of my heartbeat calming her down. I want to kiss her and feel her warmth. I want to keep her close and never let go. But I can't and it's fucking painful.

"I'm sorreh" was all I choke out before I had to walk away. I stepped into the hallway and ran my hands over my face. It was killing me to see her like that and not be able to do anything about it. When I opened my eyes, I saw my brother leaning against the wall a few feet away. He must have been there the whole time, listening in. I couldn't blame him. He was in love with her too, it had always been obvious. He wanted to make sure I wouldn't hurt her. I nodded towards the door to silently say that she needed him.

He swallowed hard and shook his head. "Go back in. Fix it." He said and walked back down the stairs. I didn't think there was anything I could do. We were stuck in limbo between wanting to be with each other and needing to stay apart. I walked back into the room and she was sitting on her bed, knees pulled up to her chest, and had the blanket wrapped around her.

"What are yeh thinking about?" I asked her quietly.

"How everything got so fucked" She shrugged, looking out the window. There was a short silence while I thought of what to say, but she spoke again, “I’m going to sign the lease on a place tomorrow”.

“Guess that means this is final, then.” I said, unintentionally clenching my jaw to stop the water filling my own eyes this time. This was it. This is probably the last time I’d get to see her. I really, truly, lost her. I wanted her and nothing but her, since I’d met her. No, not want, I needed her. She kept me grounded, kept my head right, and loved me almost as much as I love her. But it’s over and done with now.

“I guess so. You don’t have to worry about me anymore.”

“Why do yeh always fink yeh such a burden?” I asked her in disbelief. She just shrugged, looking out the window again. I sat on the edge of the bed, close to her but far enough away to not make her uncomfortable. "Yeh not a burden. Not even close. I worreh about yeh because I love yeh, not cos I have to."

She looked at me, with sadness in her eyes, and didn't say anything. "Can yeh just talk to me, Ivy, please? I feel like yeh shutting me out again. I don't like it" I begged her. She furrowed her eyebrows together and opened her mouth to say something but instead quickly snapped it closed. "What?"

"Now you know what the past few months have been like for me" she looked out the window and I noticed her foot start to shake, something she always did when she was either upset or angry.

"I feel like yeh talking to me but yeh not really saying anyfing. Yeh know how I feel about yeh and yeh know I'd give anyfing to have yeh back in my arms. It's killing me to know what I've done and not be able to scoop yeh up and make it bettah. Talk to me, please. Tell me what yeh feeling and what an arsehole I've been"

She turned to me, eyes puffy from holding back tears. "I hate this. I really fucking hate this. You were the one who was always there. You came into my life when I needed someone on my side and you stuck it out through all my bullshit. Even when I completely cut you off. I started having a hard time again and there you were, showed up at a party at my house to take care of me. And here I am, upset with you for not being there the one time I needed you most, and it wasn't even your fault" she cried, wiping her tear stained cheeks.

"I needed you so bad and you were on another fucking planet screwing someone else in the bed you called ours, pushing me away, and throwing the past in face. And I couldn't even talk to you about it because it was you. And I can't get mad because I was trying to be there for you like you were for me and let you ride it out but it hurts. It hurts so fucking bad and I'm so tired of fighting and tired of hurting and I want it all to stop"

She had cried in front of me on numerous occasions, but never like this. This was different, like her whole world was crashing down around her and she was completely breaking down. Unable to stop myself, I leaned forward and picked her up, placing her down on my lap. I held her tight, trying to keep all her pieces together. She didn't push me away, in fact, she held onto me like she was holding on for dear life.

I was unaware of the severity of how everything affected her. I held her for a long time while she sobbed into my shoulder. I kept trying to remind myself to breathe and ignore the water rolling down my own cheeks into her hair, but I felt like someone was prying open my rib cage.

"I'm sorreh for not being there. I wish I could change it but I'm here now and I'm not leaving" I said, burying my face into her hair. "One more chance. That's all I'm asking yeh for. Don't go sign that lease."

She pulled away from me to speak and I instantly felt cold with the absence of her body against mine. "No, I need to get out of this house" she said, shaking her head and looking at her hands.

"So we can go together. Well start all over" I pleaded. "Hi, I'm Oli Sykes" I said, causing her to let out a small chuckle. I smiled that I was still able to make her laugh.

"Don't do that" she said quietly, looking away from me, a shy smile threatening her lips.

"Do what?" I smirked.

"This started off as a break up and now you're making me laugh and giving me that look"

"What look?"

"The 'I'm Oli and I'm perfect' look" she said, rolling her eyes.

"I'm far from perfect, love. Just trying to make yeh smile is all" I told her, moving the hair out of her face.

"We can't start over if we live together" she said.

"So then sign the lease, move in, and let me take yeh on a date" I said with a chuckle, gently rubbing her cheek with my thumb. "And when yeh ready, we'll get a new place togethah, just the two of us. And maybeh a dog" I told her, earning a small smile and a laugh.

"I don't know" she looked back at her hands and played with the hem of her shirt.

"Tell me what yeh want to do and I'll do it. What evah yeh want"

"I don't know. Let me think about it for a bit" she said and I nodded.

"Okay. I'll leave yeh to think. Let me know what yeh decide" I told her. She nodded as I stood up but stopped me once I reached the door.

"Oli, wait" she said and turned back to face her. She was fidgeting with her fingers and not looking at me.

"You didn't write back the last time". I took a deep breath and shoved my hands in my pockets, remembering the last words I had read from her. I'd been so caught up with everything else I nearly forgot about it.

"I know. I figured I'd be here before it arrived" I said.

"What would you have written?" She asked me quietly, looking up at me.

"I don't know. Questions, mostly"

"Like what?"

"Was that the first time?" I asked, nervous for the answer. I was sure they'd been sleeping together for a while, but now I knew it was just the Ketamine fucking with my head. But ever since I'd read it, I had been having some doubts.

"First and only" she nodded.

"Why? I mean, why Tommy and not some random bloke?"

She shrugged, "I don't know. I just wanted to be touched by somebody. I hadn't had any physical contact with another person in a long time, I just wanted to fill up the empty space. It was right after I got the first letter from you and I was angry but he came to check on me and one thing led to another. I'm sorry."

"I forgive yeh", I said, looking her in the eyes so she knew I meant it. It was hard for me to read it, felt a little bit betrayed by the two people closest to me, but I understood. I know what's it's like to feel empty, like you have no body. The only thing that still worried me, was how she felt about him. "He's in love wiff yeh, yeh know" I said, looking at my feet.

"What? No he's not" she shook her head.

"Yeh always so oblivious," I chuckled, "He is. Just answer me one more fing and I'll leave yeh alone. Do yeh love him?"

She looked confused and was quiet for a moment before answering, "No. Not romantically, at least"

I breathed a sigh of relief. She could love whoever she wanted, and I wouldn't be able to do anything about, but it would be impossible to see them together like that. "Okay," I nodded, "Get to thinking" I told her. She laughed behind me as I closed the door on my way out.