Don't Let Me Drown

"fuck Ivy" he growled into my ear. His hands roamed over my naked body and his tongue explored my own as we tossed and turned in the sheets. I reached my hand down and aimed him at my opening. He thrusted his entire length into me in one swift motion and picked up a steady rhythm. I was about to cum when I felt his hands on my stomach. His face turned confused and I looked down to see what he was looking at. Each hand was gripping onto a roll of fat. I looked 400 pounds.

"What have yeh done?"

I shot up out of bed, tears falling and heart racing. I ran into my bathroom and purged over and over again until nothing, not even bile would come out.

The next thing I knew, Jade was screaming in my ear and shaking my shoulders. I had forgotten she was here.

"Oh thank god! Are yeh alright? What happened?"

"Nothing, I'm fine Jade. Promise" I told her, sitting up off the floor.

"Yeh passed out on the bloody floor! Yeh not fine"

"Panic attack. I had a nightmare" I said, partially lying. She seemed to relax a little bit and helped me get up.

"Yeh sure yeh okay?" She asked me as I climbed back in to bed.

"Yes, mom. Go back to sleep" I answered. I felt her climb back under the covers. I was exhausted and my brain turned off before she could say anything else.

Jade was already awake and getting ready for the day when I woke up. When I checked my phone, I had a few messages.

OloberSyko: hey, love. Can I take you out later tonight?

TomTom: Jade texted me about what happened. Is everything okay with you?

Parkour: I'm coming over. We need to talk.

"What did you say to Tom and Parker?" I said to Jade.

"I just asked Tom if he noticed anyfing weird wiff yeh. He probably told Parker. Yeh said it was noffing but I'm worried about yeh."

"It is fine. And it's not his business. Or yours" I said, annoyed. I had thought I was hiding it well. It's gone unnoticed so far as I got thinner and thinner. One little slip up, and now people are losing their shit about it. I sent a quick text back to Oliver before getting up to get ready.

PoisonIvy: I'm not feeling well today. Rain check?
OloberSyko: yeah sure. Feel better xx

I got dressed in a pair of leggings and an oversized tee shirt and then started on my makeup. About an hour later, just as I had finished up, Parker arrived.

"You've started again, haven't you?" He asked angrily.

"Started what?"

"You know what."

"I haven't done anything"

"Just tell us the truth, Ivy. We want to help" Jade chimed in.

"There is no truth the tell. And I don't need your help. What I need is for you to keep your mouth shut and not go blabbing about something you know nothing about!" She looked a little taken aback at my outburst. I was pissed off. She was supposed to be my best friend but she couldn't even talk to me about it before going to recruit everyone for an 'intervention'.

"You're going to kill yourself, Ivy! Do you not understand that? Look at you, you're nothing but skin and bones!" Parker interjected.

"Don't yell at me about this. I know yeh past and I know the signs. Yeh can't deal with this on your own. If yeh've got a problem let us help yeh!" Jade yelled. Her eyes were filling up and she looked pretty upset. I felt bad for yelling at her but I didn't want to deal with this right now.

"I am an adult and I can make my own decisions. I don't need your help. I don't need anybody's help. Get out of my apartment now. Both of you." I told them, crossing my arms over my chest. Jade huffed and Parker started muttering something under his breath. Parker threw open the door and stormed out with Jade following quietly behind.

"Are yeh okay?" I heard, making me jump. Oliver was standing in the doorway, a grocery bag in his hand.

"What are you, stalking me?" I said but it came out sounding more snotty than planned.

"No, sorreh to burst yeh bubble but I was just coming to drop this off" he motioned toward the bag and walked inside. "Yeh said yeh weren't feeling well so I stopped to get yeh some fings on my way to the studio" he said with a small smile.

"Don't be nice. I'm mad" I pouted.

"At me?" He chuckled and I shook my head. "Well then cheer up!" He reached in the bag and pulled out a bunch of things. There was soup, ginger ale, aspirin, crackers, tea bags, and a bunch of movies. "Well a smile is a start" he smirked. I hadn't even realized I was.

My heart fluttered at the incredibly sweet gesture and all the bad seemed to melt away. This heavily tattooed 'scary-looking' man in front of me was really nothing but a big softie.

"Thank you, Oli. But I'm not exactly sick, I just had a rough night and then the two of them..." I trailed off.

"Yeah I gathered. I heard yelling in the hallway."

"How much of that did you hear?" I sighed. I didn't need to get a lecture from him too.

"Noffing, really. Just the last bit" he said and I nodded. "I don't have much time now, but how can I make yeh feel bettah?"

"I don't know" I shrugged. "If you haven't already made other plans, can I see you tonight?" I asked and bit my lip. I felt awkward asking him that for some reason, but now that he's in front of me I want more time with him. I knew from the start this whole 'strangers' thing couldn't last and now I didn't want it to. I just had to be more careful this time.

"What are yeh doing right now?" He smirked.

"Nothing"

"Do yeh want to come to the studio?" He asked. "I'm doing the vocals on one of the songs I wrote yeh about while I was away"

"I don't know if that's a good idea" I told him, looking down at my feet. For all I knew, it could be the song he wrote about me in rehab. I wasn't sure I was ready to hear it yet. I really wanted to, but I was worried what it said.

"What harm can it do?"

"A lot" I said with a small chuckle.

"What are yeh afraid of?" He asked me, stepping closer and putting his hands on my arms.

"I just want to be more careful this time" I said, trying to make it sound like no big deal so he wouldn't question me, but he did anyway.

"Careful about what?" He asked, giving me those eyes that made me melt every time. He stepped closer to me and rested his forehead against mine. I could feel his warm breath on my lips and it took all I had not to kiss him.

"Just some stuff" I answered. Like not kissing you right now , I thought.

"So do it then" he smirked. I was confused. "If yeh want to kiss me, then do it." he chuckled. I bit my lip and shook my head. I definitely did not plan on saying that out loud.

"Not yet." I said quietly and avoided his eyes. He dipped his head and gently kissed my neck and collarbones. With a breathy voice, I told him to stop, and surprisingly he listened.

"Yeh might fink differently of me, but noffings changed. I'm still in love wiff yeh and I'll wait till yeh ready. No rush" he said. He picked a pen up off my counter and scribbled the address on a piece of paper. "I'll probably be done around 4. Stop by if yeh want" he told me, and then he was gone.

When I was alone again, I made myself a cup of coffee and sat out on the balcony for a cigarette. I started thinking while I watched the cars zoom past below. It still made me laugh that they drove on the wrong side.

I must have zoned out because the next time I looked at my phone, it was 3:00. I decided to call a cab and go meet Oli so he wouldn't have to pick me up later. I would only catch the last part of his session and after all this time they had to be working on more than one song. I walked into the lobby and searched the sign on the wall for a name I recognized. When I found one, I got into the elevator and pushed the button to go up. I got off on the correct floor and could went into the room they were in.

"Hi, Ivy!" Lee waved from the couch. "I didn't know yeh were coming today" he smiled.



Don't say I'm better off dead,
'Cause heaven's full and hell won't have me.
Won't you make some room in your bed?
Oh, well you could lock me up in your heart,
And throw away the key.
Won't you take me out of my head?

I was singing into the microphone in the sound booth, when a light came pouring in. I opened my eyes and saw Ivy come through the door awkwardly and sit next to Lee. I finished the verse as they talked and she met my eyes before I started the next one. Bottom lip between her teeth, like always, she watched me. I had to look away in order to concentrate on the music in my headphones and not fuck up my own lyrics.

I'm just a would've been, could've been,
Should've been, never was and never ever will be.
Well, sharpen your teeth.
Tell yourself that it's just business.
Would've been, could've been,
Should've been, never was, and never ever will be.
Worms come out of the woodwork,
And the snakes start to sing.

Worms come out of the woodwork.
Leeches crawl from out of the dirt
Rats come out of the holes they call home,
I fall apart.
And the snakes start to sing.

If you can't soar with the eagles,
Then don't fly with the flock.
Are you still getting high?
Did you catch your own reflection,
In the knife my mother held?
Or the hell in my father's eyes?

If you can't soar with the eagles,
Then don't fly with the flock.
Are you still getting by?
Was I your knight in shining armour,
The apple of your eye?
Or just a step to climb?

If you can't soar with the eagles,
Then don't fly with the flock.
Are you still getting high?
Did you catch your own reflection,
In the knife my mother held?
Or the hell in my father's eyes?

If you can't soar with the eagles,
Then don't fly with the flock.
Are you still getting by?
Was I your knight in shining armour,
Or the apple of your eye?
Or just a step, a fucking step to climb?

"That's great, Oli. I fink were done for today" the man on the other side of the glass said through the speaker. I nodded and took off the headphones. I took a deep breath and wiped my face with a towel before opening the door.

Having Ivy there made me more self-conscious than usual. I was worried this whole time about what the fans would think of our new sound. We've added some electronic bits into each song and I didn't scream as much. I didn't want to anymore, I was happy and I wanted to sing off the fucking rooftops. But nobody had ever heard me sing before and I personally didn't think I was any good at it. Ivy had asked me to sing for her a couple times and now that she's heard me, what if I fell short of her expectations?

"I really fink this ones gonna be a winna" Lee said excitedly. Ivy looked at me with a small smile that somehow seemed sad.

"I'm gonna merge everyfing and have it readeh next time yeh come in" the producer said to Lee and I. We thanked him and headed towards the door. Lee was a few steps ahead of Ivy and I. She took my hand and pulled me towards her as she reached a hand behind my neck and stood up onto her tippy toes to kiss me.

I didn't want it to stop. My body ached at the absence of her touch. I kept it mostly innocent but kept it going when she initially tried to move away.

"Come on, lovebirds" Lee joked from the end of the hallway when we broke apart. I chuckled and Ivy blushed as we tried to catch up to him.

"What was that for?" I asked into her ear as we walked.

"I don't know. I just wanted to. I like hearing your voice" she said with a shrug and I smiled.

"I'll see yeh guys lata" Lee said, starting to get into his car. I said goodbye and Ivy ran over to give him a hug before he drove off.

"I'm not sharing yeh" I joked when she returned.

"Don't start this again" she answered with a straight face.

"Start what?"

"Like before. Get possessive and pissed off when I talked to anyone that wasn't you"

"I'm sorreh bout that. I was off my head. Yeh allowed to have friends yeh know. I was just joking" I told her and she nodded skeptically.

"Okay" she said, " so what do you want to do now?"

"I don't know. Yeh could come ovah to mine if yeh like"

"I don't know if that's the best idea. Tom hasn't really talked to me in a while" she said biting her lip.

"It'll be fine. Yeh can talk to him there and sort fings out" I said, taking her hand and walking towards my car.