Don't Let Me Drown

I swiped my phone open to see the photo that young girl took the other day in the grocery store. I was mainly in view, and Oli was a little bit behind me. He had his arm around my waist while we both stared off into space waiting for our turn to pay. The second photo in the set was the one she had taken with Oli, and she looked ecstatic. I laughed to myself at her caption, “ran into Oli and his girlfriend at ShopRite the other day and my heart pooped its pants”. I liked the pictures and closed out of the app as I heard Oli rolling over next to me.

“This jet-lag is fuckin’ us up” he mumbled with a yawn. I laughed in agreement, watching him rub the sleep from his eyes.

“I know. What do you want to do today?” I asked, snuggling into his side. He just shrugged, kissing my head without an answer. “How about we go watch some movies until a normal hour?”

“Jurassic Park?” he questioned with a smirk.

“Sure” I chuckled, pulling him up from the bed as we made our way downstairs. I made some coffee for the both of us with Oli turned on Netflix and got the movie going.

A few movies into our marathon, we were all tangled up in each other. His hands roamed my waist up under the shirt I had slept in. I felt his phone vibrating in his pocket against my leg.

"Do you want to get that?" I breathed against his lips.

"It can wait" he replied, reconnecting our mouths and hitting a button through his pants to silence the ringer. Moments later, it buzzed again with another call. A string of beeps followed as he was flooded with texts. I pulled away from him and groaned in frustration. As he looked through his screen, I saw his expression go from confusion to anger and then settle on worry.

"Something wrong?" I wondered.

"I've got to make a few phone calls. I'll be back in a minute" he said, bringing the phone to his ear on his way out to the porch.

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Oliver's POV
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"What's happened?" I said as soon as Tom picked up. He started to explain the big emergency to me. He had sent me a few links in texts but I hadn't opened them.

He told me something about an Instagram picture of Ivy and I going viral. Buzzfeed and AP, as well as a few other news pages, picked it up and ran with it. Articles surrounding Ivy's health were circling the web right now.

People knew we had been together quite a while but she was unrecognizable now. Some said I was cheating on Ivy with the girl in the photo. Others claimed she had cancer or some other disease. Most blamed me for the way she looked. I did too a lot of times. I was fine with all that. I didn't care what anyone else thought, but she did. These articles would upset her and I was worried about how she'd react to them. Tom and I talked for a bit and he promised to do what he could to have them taken down.

"What's wrong? You look upset" Ivy said as I went back in the house.

"Noffing. I'm not upset, just news about the album." I forced a smile but she didn't look convinced. "Go get dressed, we'll get breakfast" I told her and she nodded, taking off up the stairs.

She looked awful in the picture. I'm not surprised people were concerned. I'm not trying hard enough. I need to do better.

I took her to a cafe in town that had just opened for brunch. As the waitress led us to our booth, I realized how much attention we drew. I got a lot of looks for my tattoos when I went out but now, all eyes were on her. At least that's what it felt like. I never noticed it before.

"Are you okay?" She asked me, reaching her hand across the table to touch mine. I nodded, still scanning the menu. "Oliver look at me".

"What is the matter with you?" She said when I met her eyes, a look of concern on her face. I just stared at her for a minute, taking in the little bit of light that returned to her eyes over the last few days.

"Noffings the matter." I answered, and after a minute of silence I added, "Are yeh gonna eat today?" She nodded and looked back at her menu.

Not long after we ordered, my pancakes and Ivys eggs were put down in front of us. I wasn't hungry anymore, I just felt sick. My mind was racing.

"How's the album coming?"

"It's good. They fink it'll be done soon" I told her, taking a bite of my food. She seemed to be eating hers, but I don't think she was. She was moving her fork around and cutting pieces off but never quite bringing it to her mouth. I paid the bill and we drove back to the house, not speaking much. My head was getting the better of me and I wasn't in the mood to talk about anything.

"I don't feel good, I'm gonna lay down for a minute"

"What's the mattah?"

"I don't know. My stomach hurts. I'll be okay in a little bit"

"Yeh need to eat something" I said, but she ignored me and continued up the stairs. I decided to let her rest and have a talk with her later.

When four hours passed and I still hadn't seen her, I started to worry. She was in bed asleep, covered in sweat but shivering.

"Ivy, time to get up" I shook her shoulder lightly and she pulled the blankets closer, opening her eyes.

"It's freezing in here" she said in a small voice, her teeth chattering.

"Yeh burning up, love" I stated, placing my hand on her forehead, "let's get yeh to a doctor"

She shook her head, "I'm fine. I think I'm just getting a stomach bug"



I didn't know what was wrong with me, it just felt impossible to keep my eyelids open. Since I had woken up that morning, I'd been crampy and my stomach was in knots. When I had woken up again later with Oliver, it hurt just to move. Everything was painful. I'm not sure if I was even tired or if it was just too much to bear, but shortly after he had woken me I was out again.

Oli was gone when I opened my eyes and I could see through the window that the sun had almost set. My brain felt foggy and the pain was still there but I no longer felt like my insides we're going to fall out of my vagina so I decided to get up, taking my time on the stairs.

"How are yeh feeling?" He asked when he saw me. He was in the kitchen making himself something to eat but he looked stressed.

"I'm okay. I'm sorry if I ruined the rest of your day".

"Yeh didn't, but we need to talk."

"There's nothing to talk about, Oli. I'm fine, I'm just fighting off a bug or something"

"Yeh not fighting off a bug. Yeh sick. Yeh need to get help"

"No I'm not. If it gets worse I'll make a doctors appointment when we get back home"

"There is no worse, Ivy. I can't handle this. I don't know what to do wiff yeh" he stopped what he was doing and it was the most serious I had ever seen him look.

“Can’t handle what? The stomach flu? It’s probably just something I ate, I’ll be fine”

“How can it be somefing yeh ate when yeh not even fuckin eating!”

“First of all, you need to calm down.” I told him. “I am eating.”

“Yeh not, ivy. Yeh ill. I want to help yeh but yeh promised me yeh’d try and yeh not even trying to get better!”

“What the fuck are you even talking about? Im not sick, I don’t need to get better” I didn’t want to argue as soon as I woke up and I was tired of him screaming at me. I’m fine.

“Are yeh fuckin serious?” He yelled with a laugh.

“We’re done with this this conversation. Come find me when you take your head out of your ass” I yelled, pulling the blanket wrapped around me closer, and stormed out of the house.

The fresh air felt good on my face. I still wasn’t feeling that well so I didn’t go too far, just down to the shore. We both needed a little bit to cool off. The salt water air didn’t ease my mind like it used to though. I watched the sun set to black and the waves kiss the sand for a long time.

youre not sick.
He doesn’t know what he’s talking about.
You’re getting better.
Skinny is better.

I believed it. I had stopped fighting back a long time ago and just gave in. It was right anyway, I’m getting better. Just a little bit more to go. I believed it, but still couldn’t stop the tears or fill the empty pit I’d become.

It had only been an hour or two when another blanket and a pair of arms were wrapped around me. He didn’t say anything, just sat behind me with his legs on either side of mine. It had been getting colder since night fell and the wind was picking up a bit.

“Yeh still upset wiff me?” He said quietly.

“I don’t know”

“It cold out here, come inside” he kissed my hair and I shook my head.

“I’m sorreh. I’ll shut up about it. Come play video games wiff me”

“I don’t want to play any more games. I just want to go home.” I said. He sighed and put his face in the crook of neck.

“Come on then, I’ll make arrangements” he answered half-heartedly before standing up. I got up struggling get my balance. I grew increasingly dizzy as I followed him back to the house. I was doing my best to look as if nothing were wrong. He opened the door and turned to face me, his expression changing to worry once again.

“What’s the matter? Yeh look like yeh going to be sick” he asked, putting his hand against my clammy forehead. I nodded, barely even moving my head. I was too afraid to open my mouth, fearing I’d vomit right there onto him. He guided me quickly into the bathroom, getting a cold towel for my head and sitting down on the floor with me.

The look he was giving me made me want to curl into a ball and disappear. I was hurting him. Every day I was the source of his pain, and all he did was love me. I burst into tears and when I sob escaped my mouth, I heaved into the toilet.

“Oli!” I cried out in pain, grasping at my stomach. It was back and everything hurt. I felt like I was about to pass out. My vision grew blurry and my brain became fuzzier and fuzzier as the seconds went on. Oli was frantically pulling the blankets off me, trying anything he could to help.

“Fuck, what the fuck, what the fuck” he repeated, pulling his phone out with shaky hands. I groggily looked down to see what he was looking at. There was blood, a lot of blood, all over my pants, the floor, his hands. I tried to speak but nothing came out. The room faded away.

—————————-
Oliver’s POV
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The paramedics didn’t come fast enough. I rode in the ambulance with her. They had her hooked up to everything imaginable - oxygen, IV bags, the works. They kept asking me questions about what happened and her medical history. I answered what I could but I wasn’t focused on anything but the beeping from her heart rate monitor.

I called Tom the minute I was escorted to the waiting room and booked him a flight.
He’d be here in 10 hours. My mind was racing, I couldn’t keep up with a single thought. I was restless, pacing back and forth. A few hours later, a doctor came out and I practically ran up to him.

“Are you here for Ivy Johnson?”

“Yeah, is she alright?”

“Are you family?”

“She’s my wife” I lied.

“She doesn’t have a ring on” he stated, looking at my hands, tucked into my pockets.

“We were arguing this morning, she took it off.” I could tell he didn’t believe me, but he continued anyway.

“We’re still running tests. As you know, she’s severely underweight and we’re trying not to put too much stress on her body. It’s gonna be a while, if you want to go home we can call you”

“No. I’m staying” I snapped, clenching my jaw. He nodded and turned to walk away.

“Is she gonna make it?” I called after him, biting my tongue. I wasn’t sure I could handle the answer.

“As soon as we know, we’ll let you know” he said, sympathetically.

I sunk down into a chair, bouncing my leg in a failed attempt at a distraction. It had been nearly eight hours and I still hadn’t heard anything. I texted my band mates but nobody was awake. I was going crazy sitting here. Eventually I dozed off, but only for a bit before I was shaken awake. Tom was in the chair next to me and a nurse was walking over towards us.

“Mr. Johnson?” She asked me and I looked at her confused. “Ivy’s husband?”

“Right, yeah. Oliver Sykes” I clarified, standing up to speak with her.

“I have an update on your wife”

My heart stopped while I waited for her to continue.

“She barely holding on, but she’s stable for right now. They’ve stopped the bleeding but the pregnancy was too far gone. They weren’t able to save the baby.”