If You Could Love

On Monday evening, Pekka parked his car at Alex’s apartment complex and smoothed his shirt as he stepped from his car. They had gotten in from Chicago shortly before 1 in the morning and they had had practice earlier in the day. Now he was picking up Alex for a date they had arranged before the trip.

He knew she had worked all day so he hadn't been surprised not to hear from her. She had told him that her week while the team had been gone was packed with custom orders so the fact that they hadn't talked much in the last week didn't have him worried.

Pekka knocked at her door and waited and he straightened when he heard the lock click. He started to greet Alex and stopped as he took in her sweat pants, baggy shirt, and red rimmed eyes.

“Alex, are you okay? Are you sick?” He asked with concern.

She shook her head no and burst into tears. Pekka gathered her in his arms and held her in the doorway. “Invite me in,” he said quietly, kissing her hair.

She sniffled and stepped back, allowing him to pass and closing the door. He went to her couch and sat down, patting the spot beside him. Alex moved to sit beside him and let Pekka tuck her under his arm.

“What's going on?” he asked.

She sighed. “Pekka....god this is hard.”

He turned so that they faced each other. “Talk to me, Alex.”

She took in a deep breath and let it out slowly, looking heavenward before finally meeting his eye. “I'm in love with James.”

Pekka sat back, stunned at her admission. He had wondered about her feelings for James when he had first pursued her but she had put them to rest early on the first time they kissed. This was a turn of events he was not prepared for.

“Since when? I mean, what changed?”

“I think....I think I've always loved him and I ignored it because James, well he's James and I never thought...”

“You and him?”

She blushed. “The day you came into the shop this summer, before I went into work that day I had a bath and I had just gotten out when James got home and we...you know. It's happened before but I guess you didn't know that.”

“No, I was unaware that you and Nealer were fuck buddies,” he said angrily.

“It was never like that. It just sort of happened over the years and I thought it was just like any other time and moved on from it.”

“And then I showed up. So I was a pawn?”

“No! God no, Pekka. I like you, truly, and I was happy with you but...”

“But what?”

“The night James kicked me out, that was the night James told me he loved me and that's when everything started to change. I pushed it all to the back of my mind and ignored it. Or at least I tried to, which is why I met you back at your place after games.”

He raked a hand through his hair as he sat back on the couch. “I should have known then that something was up.”

Alex tucked her feet under her. “I'm sorry, Pekka. I didn't mean for any of this to happen.”

“Tell me when it changed.”

“Two days before Christmas.”

“The night you bailed on meeting on my parents? What the hell, Alex?”

“James sent me a Christmas present, along with a letter, a really personal letter where he laid it all bare and it messed with my head. I cancelled on you and went to his house and ranted like a maniac at him.”

His eyes drifted to the bracelet on her wrist and she self consciously hid it behind her back. “Really? You lied to me? He gave you that.” He paused before shaking his head sadly. “The stones, they're significant to the two of you.”

“Yes,” she answered quietly. “It's my birthstone and his.”

“Why didn't you tell me?”

“Because I didn't know what I was feeling anymore after that. I realized that in addition to the way I felt about you, I had feelings for James that I wasn't willing to face.”

“And now?”

“James took me to lunch while you were gone so he could ask me to help him pick out clothes for a date. And I got jealous, really jealous and I realized that try as I might to deny it, I'm in love with James. There isn't much I can say or do to make this right but I had to be honest with you. I do care about you, I care a lot, whether you believe it or not at this point, but I can't lie to myself, and I can't lie to you now. I'm sorry.”

He stood and paced before looking at her. “I guess I should have seen this coming. We all thought you two were together when James first joined the team. Shea and I always used to talk about how surprised we were that you two never did. Hell, we had a bet that first year about how long before you two came out and said you were. I knew he wasn't happy about me showing up for dinner that first night but he went along with it, and he even seemed okay with it so I wasn't worried about him anymore. Turns out I should have always been worried.”

“Pekka... damn it,” she said quietly, wiping at a tear. “There's nothing I can say. I can't make this better for you, I can't make it easier. It just is. I can tell you I'm sorry until I run out of breath but honestly, I don't expect you to believe me.”

He sat back down and reached for her hands and squeezed them in his. “I do believe you, Alex. I know that you would never do anything to intentionally hurt someone. I know that you would go out of your way to spare another person's feelings. I've known you for over three years now and I know what kind of person you are. Your heart is not something you control; you follow it. And it's leading you to James.”

She nodded and let Pekka pull her into a hug. “Thank you for being honest with me,” he said. "Even if it does suck and I definitely didn't want to hear it."

“You're too good to me, Pekka,” she replied, resting her head against him. “You should hate me. I kind of hate me. Everyone's going to think I'm a puck bunny.”

“Not me. Not anyone that matters.”

“Can we ever be friends again?”

“I think so. I'll be okay, eventually. Just give me some time.”

“Okay,” she whispered.

Pekka tilted her face up to his and kissed her softly, sweetly and she clutched his shirt in her fingers. “To remember me,” he said, his lips ghosting over hers. “Just in case.”



Alex closed the door behind Pekka fifteen minutes later and went back to her couch, curling up in a ball and throwing a blanket over herself. She turned her phone off and let herself cry before finally falling asleep.

She woke up ninety minutes later to incessant knocking at her door. She got up and looked through the peephole before opening the door.

“What are you doing here, James? I didn't tell you where I was living.”

“I was worried because you didn't answer your phone and I made Kathryn tell me where to find you.”

“You were worried?”

“Yeah, of course I was,” he said, his smile softening as he stepped towards her and bundled her into his arms. “I love you.”

She smiled as she stepped back, letting him inside and closing the door. She took his hand and led him to the couch. They sat quietly for awhile before Alex leaned into his side and James lifted his arm so he could hold her.

“I told Pekka,” she said.

“Do you want to talk about it?”

“I hated hurting him.”

“I know you did.”

“He didn't even yell at me.”

“Peks does all that yoga; he's like always in a zen zone.”

“I still wanted him to be mad at me. I feel like shit, which is why I turned off my phone. Sorry. I should've called you to tell you not to worry.”

“It's okay. Tell me something though.”

“What?”

“You like it here?”

Alex laughed. “Did you see that tiny ass kitchen?”

“So you miss my kitchen?”

“Your kitchen, the laundry room I don't have to pay for, and more importantly, your bathtub.”

“I knew you were only my friend for that bathtub,” he chuckled. “Alex, move home. I should have never asked you to move out.”

“It was self preservation, James. I get it.”

“It was horrible of me and I missed you the entire time. It doesn't feel like home without you. It's empty and lonely and I miss you making sure I'm taken care of.”

“It's too soon, James. I just broke up with Pekka.”

“You were living with me while you were dating him.”

“But now it would look like I moved out because he asked me too and that I'm moving back in because we broke up.”

“The guys think I'm an insufferable asshole and that's why you moved out, not because of Pekka.”

She chewed her bottom lip nervously. “I don't want everyone to know I've jumped from Pekka to you. Everyone will think I'm just a puck slut.”

“None of my teammates would ever think that of you. They all love you, and they all at one time or another thought we were together already.”

“That's what Pekka said.”

“Subby thought Tavares was messing with him when he told him that we were just friends this summer. He thought he had been lying this entire time until he saw you with Peks.”

“What if they all think I cheated on Pekka with you?”

“They aren't going to think that.”

“How do you know that though?”

“I don't know, but I really don't think either that any of the guys would ever think you cheated on Pekka. They know the type of person you are and they won't think that you would that to him. Look, we don't have to tell anyone if you don't want to.”

“You won't be mad at me if I ask that we keep it between us, at least for a few weeks?”

“Of course not, Alex. Whatever makes you happy, okay?” She nodded and let James hold her tighter. “Now, when are you moving home?”