If You Could Love

The season started not how anyone wanted but in November, the team started to gel and they started winning games and gained some confidence. Pekka was flying high, named first star for the month of November in the league, and with the girl at his side.

Although happy in their status together, at Alex’s request, they kept their relationship quiet from his teammates. They weren't hiding their being a couple but they also weren't flaunting it. She knew some people assumed things about her and James and she didn't want to have to explain what was going on between her and Pekka to the rest of the whole world.

She was still coming to as many games as she could, still wearing her Neal jersey but she started to rotate in a new Rinne jersey as well. She would often leave games with Pekka and had started not coming home at night.

For his part, James tried to remain aloof and indifferent to the whole thing. When asked, he said how happy he was for Alex to find a good guy after all the losers in her life. He smiled and put on a happy front while inside he felt like he was slowly dying.

And then at the end of November he got injured.

The team was traveling for two away games in Winnipeg and Colorado and it was decided since he was on injured reserve and not practicing with the team that he would stay behind in Nashville. Alex, ever the attentive friend, and knowing how stubborn James could be, left the bakery in Kathryn's capable hands so she could spend a few days taking care of him.

They were watching the game against Colorado, the team due back in town in the predawn hours following the game when it happened. Alex mentioned that she was going to stay at Pekka’s to see him when he got in, and James didn't know why, but the statement pushed all his buttons at once and he snapped at her.

“When are you moving in with him?” He said angrily. Even as the words left his mouth he knew the fight he was picking but he didn't care. He was sick of being the only one who hurt. It was the moment James dreaded and feared but knew was going to happen eventually.

Alex’s eyes widened in shock. She had known James a long time, seen many a moods the man could have but he had never snapped at her like this before.

“I think it's still too soon for that,” She replied evenly.

“Really? So sleepovers after one week weren't too soon but moving in together is. How interesting.”

“Do you want me to move out, James? I can start looking for a place.”

“You're never here anyway.”

“My relationship with Pekka is still new. You know how it is when something is new and fun and exciting.”

“Well I don't care to hear about it.”

“Then why haven't you said anything before?”

“Didn't want to have this conversation,” he muttered.

“Well darling, you brought it up so now it's happening.”

“Don't call me darling!” James yelled as he jumped to his feet. “Stop taking care of me like you give a shit. I don't need you to baby me!”

She blinked several times as she stared up at him, his face red and his grey eyes clouded with anger. She swallowed as she slowly rose to her feet and passed by him for the stairs without a word.

“Where are you going?” He yelled after her.

“To pack,” she replied, whirling at the top of the stairs to glare down at him. “Is that okay with you?”

“Whatever,” he said dismissively as he walked away.

Alex slammed her bedroom door behind her and she could hear James stomping around and slamming things down stairs in the kitchen. She tried to calm down and just breathe but she was angry and instead went downstairs to confront him.

“What the fuck is your problem?” Alex demanded as she entered the kitchen. James threw a glass in the sink where it exploded.

“You're my fucking problem!” He shouted. “I can't get you out of my fucking head! All summer, you're all I could think about. Fuck, all of last summer, Alex. An entire god damn year I've thought about you. But you were with Cooper and I was just the best friend. And then he breaks your heart and I just wanted to put it back together. I thought I needed to give you a little time to heal for yourself and look where they got me,” he laughed bitterly. “I come back to Nashville early to put my heart out there for you and I end up with the broken heart. Isn't that just lovely?”

“James...I didn't....why didn't you.. “ she started in confusion.

“Spare me your pity, Alex. We’re friends, nothing else, remember? Except I can't just be friends with you. I love you. I'm in love with you. And you love my fucking goaltender.”

He stormed out of the room before she could say anything and went up the stairs and into his room, locking the door behind him. He panted as he tried to calm himself down but every emotion in his body was rioting against one another. He wanted to kiss her, to yell at her, to throw something, anything, but mostly he just wanted to have her and he couldn't. He lost. And he had no idea how to deal with that.

He heard Alex's soft footsteps come up the stairs and pause outside his door. He prayed she wouldn't knock because he didn't know if he had the strength to stop himself from opening the door and kissing her. After several long minutes, he finally heard her walk away and as she did, he threw open the door and stepped out into the hall.

Alex turned at the noise of his door and looked at him. James could see tears on her cheeks and he resisted the urge to gather her to him and dry them. He knew he should apologize but saying it all had been something that needed to be said.

“I love you, and I know you don't love me. I can't-” he paused and took a deep steadying breath. “I can't live like this anymore, Alex. I can't pretend to be happy for you. I can't pretend to be the supportive best friend. I can't pretend to be okay when all I want is to be that person in your life. I'm sorry but I think you should move out. I'll pay for you to stay at a hotel until you find someplace.”

“I don't need your money, James. I'll manage just fine on my own,” she said stiffly. “I'll be gone in an hour, and I'll come back to pack up my things the next time you're on a road trip if that's fine with you.”

“Fine.”

“Okay.”

“Good.”

She shook her head sadly. “I wish you had just talked to me,” she said before disappearing into her room.

Her door closed with a sense of finality and James returned to his own room, collapsing back against the closed door. He felt tears sting his eyes and he let them come, shoulders shaking with silent sobs. It was done, over. Seven years of friendship, of sharing himself with someone as much as he did his own family, ruined by his words and actions.

At least he'd always have his memories.