If You Could Love

Two days before Christmas, Alex was working behind the front counter at For Goodness Cakes. Business had been busy with orders for desserts for Christmas dinners and she had been happy for the distraction. They were closing for an extended holiday break after the day was complete and Alex had plans to pick up Rebecca Neal the next day and bring her to the bakery to bake together.

Ever since the Predators team Christmas party, she had been feeling unsettled. Now three weeks since the fight, she and James had not spoken, and the team party and had been the one and only time she had seen him since that night. With his family in town, things had felt even more disconcerted with everything going on. She had seen both his sister and his mom, and had spent time with both while James and his father were gone for three days on the Predators annual father's trip.

The two Neal women had been surprised to learn that Alex had moved out and she had been surprised to learn they didn't already know but she shrugged it off as her choice and simply that she felt it was time to be on her own and stop living off of James so much. They hadn’t asked questions and let the matter drop and instead enjoyed doing lots of girly things together while the boys were gone.

For his part, Pekka had not made mention of James or the night he had found her on his couch crying. He did his best to keep her happy and her thoughts off of him. But when she was alone, especially both times they had been on the road during that time and she was watching the games by herself, she couldn’t help the sadness that took hold of her heart.

One of the changes Alex made when she took over For Goodness Cakes was celebrating each and every Preds game day with a special cookie. It was a chocolate chip cookie that she added blue and gold sprinkles to, along with crushed potato chips and crushed pretzels. Everyone who worked on game days in the bakery also wore Preds gear, or at the very least Preds colors.

Since the fight, Alex had changed from wearing her Neal shirsey to alternating between Craig Smith and Colin Wilson, two of the American players on the team. She had always told James that they were her favorites anyway, as she had always enjoyed teasing him and stoking the flames of their American versus Canadian rivalry.

As the afternoon wore on, and it got closer to closing time, the ringing bell over the door alerted Alex to a customer and she looked up, surprised to find a delivery man in front of her.

“Alex Gates?” he asked.

“That’s me.”

“Sign here please,” he said as he passed over his handheld device to her. She scribbled her name and he passed her the box.

“Thank you,” she said as he walked away.

Alex set the box on her desk in the back and forgot about it as she finished out her day. After cleaning up and balancing out the money for the day, Alex took a seat at her desk and stared at the box on her desk. The return address stared back at her and she had no idea what to make of James sending her a package at her work.

Grabbing a box cutter out of a drawer, she slid the blade through the tape and pulled it away, opening the box, and lifting away the holiday colored tissue paper. Beneath it she found an envelope and a long, skinny black jewelry box.

She set the box aside and slid open the envelope, pulling out a Christmas card and flipping it open. A folded sheet of paper fell out and she unfolded it carefully, reading James words.

Alex,

I was probably a little drunk when I ordered this last week late at night with rush delivery. Really drunk I suppose because we aren’t even talking to each other. It didn’t feel right for Christmas to pass without buying you a gift though.

I know what you’re thinking. “How many times have I told you not to shop late at night, James Neal?” You usually say that with your hands on your hips while trying to mean mug me but you always end up breaking down in giggles instead. Because I have a problem and it involves spending my money on late night as seen on tv gadgets and things that I know my best friend wants but won’t buy for herself so I buy them, telling myself I’ll save them for her birthday or Christmas but then ended up giving them to her the minute they arrive.

I know that I messed up. I let my anger get the best of me and took it all out on you in one moment where I let my heart rule over my head when it comes to you. See, I knew exactly where this would lead us if I said the words I did that night to you. I knew it was putting into action something that would change everything between us. I knew that I was changing the course of our friendship and I knew that asking you to move out meant that I was losing you.

I’m not sure though if I would change any of it. Maybe the part where we stopped speaking to each other but well, the truth is I expected that. I expected that I would see you but that you wouldn’t be a part of my life, a part of me, ever again.

Paul says I should have told you months ago, as soon as I got back for the summer, but I chickened out. I’ve been chickening out, since I came back from summer in 2015 after my first season here. I had planned in my head exactly what I was going to say to you when I got home that day. In my head, we were both so carried away that we spent the next two days in bed, and only left to answer the door for takeout. In my head, we were going to live happily ever after.

Then I walked through the door to find you kissing Cooper. I fantasized about his untimely demise in more ways than I should admit. I pushed my feelings down and supported you, because that’s what best friends do. I was happy that you were happy. At least that’s what I told myself.

When you came home that night in March after Cooper broke up with you, my heart soared. I saw my chance, but I didn't want to rush, and I thought I needed to give you some space and time to be by yourself before jumping into something new with me. Because I desperately wanted you to jump into something new with me. And I don’t mean my bed by the way.

I have for the last 15 months wanted more than anything ever before, including winning a Stanley cup, to share my life with you and no one else. I have wanted to wake up beside you, to hold you, to start living a real life, with a partner who got me. You. Because you get me. Because you call me on my bullshit. Because you care about me. Because you’re Alexandra Gates and no one else is.

I love you. I am always going to love you. I know that I have to accept that I have to let you go though. I am slowly getting used to the idea but I’ll never like it. I’ll miss you in my house, in my life, more than I could possibly say. Nothing will be the same without you but I guess life goes on that way, huh? I hope it does at least.

I’m happy you found someone who makes you happy and I hope he cherishes you. Looking back, I realize that I didn’t show you enough how much I cherished you. I should have. I wish I had. Maybe things would be different.

What I do know is that you are everything to me, Alex and I am sorry for the way things happened. I should have told you in September when I came home like I planned to, again. Maybe things would be different, maybe it wouldn't and you would still hate me. I don’t know and it’s too late to look back and I’ll drive myself insane playing what if.

I hope your life is filled with happiness, riches, and success, but most of all, I hope it is filled with love. I wanted to be that for you, and knowing I couldn’t killed me. That’s why I said you should move out. Because I couldn’t bear the pain of watching you be happy with someone else. It was probably petty of me but I saw it as my only hope to salvaging my heart.

In the end though, there is no salvaging my heart. It’s yours, Alex. It has been for awhile, I just didn’t realize how much so. I’ll learn to accept this reality, even if it isn’t the one I imagine in my head. So long as you’re happy. That all that matters to me.

Yours,

James

Alex didn’t realize that she was crying until her vision blurred as finished reading and the tears spilled down her face. She picked up the jewelry box and opened its lid, fingering the bracelet that lay inside. She recognized the silver open heart design, her birthstone in the corner of one heart, James’s in the other. It was set on a two strand black leather band with a silver clasp. Her tears started fresh at the gift. It was thoughtful and deliberate, a statement that James’s words came from a place he had kept from her for a long time.

She picked up her phone and sent a quick text message before gathering her things, carefully folding his letter and putting it in her purse along with the bracelet. She made her way to her car and then across town, making a twenty minute drive in ten, enough time for her to start stewing in her thoughts. She parked in James’s driveway and went to the door, ringing the doorbell and then knocking incessantly until she heard the lock click.

“Alex,” James said with surprise. “What are you doing here?”

“We need to talk,” she replied, walking past him and heading for the stairs.

“Aren’t you meeting Pekka’s parents tonight? Why are you here?”

She whirled around to face him. “I texted Pekka and told him I couldn’t make it.”

“Does he know you’re here?”

“No.” She took the stairs as James pushed the door closed and followed her. She was pacing his bedroom floor when he reached the room and he carefully closed the door behind him.

“What the fuck is the letter you sent me?” she demanded.

“I didn’t know where you were staying so I thought sending it to the shop was the best chance for it to reach you.”

“I didn’t ask why you sent it to the shop. I asked you about the letter.”

“It’s how I feel, Alex. I’m sorry if that bothers you but I had things I needed to say and I thought it was the only way I would have the chance to tell you.”

“And you had to send it days before Christmas?”

“It was a gift.”

“What is the matter with you? I’m with Pekka and you think now is a good time to pour out your heart and soul?”

“There was never going to be a good time to pour out my heart and soul. There was never going to be a good time to admit defeat but that’s what I’m doing, admitting defeat.”

“I just don’t understand.”

“It’s pretty straightforward I think. I love you, you don’t love me. The entire dynamic of our friendship is changed and there is nowhere to go from here. It’s the end.”

“Why does it have to be the end though? We’ve been friends and gotten past this before.”

“That was sex without emotions. I have a lot of emotions now. Most of them you don’t reciprocate. And that’s okay. But I can’t go on just being your friend. That doesn’t work for me anymore and I can’t pretend that it does.”

“And the bracelet?”

He shrugged. “I probably shouldn’t have bought that but I wanted you to remember me. It's selfish but I don’t want you to forget me because I will never forget you.”

“This is all too much, James. I don’t know what to think.”

“Tell me about it.”

“You're a fucking idiot, you know that?”

“Excuse me?”

“You! You're an idiot. You wait all this time to say all of this. Why?”

“I didn't think you felt the same and I didn't want to risk our friendship.”

“And now?”

“I had to risk it to say how I felt. Because I knew I had already lost you.”

“You haven't -” she started and then stopped. “I don't know what to say, James.”

“I only have one last thing I want to say. Can I?”

“Go ahead.”

He took two steps forward and gathered her to him. She gasped at his touch but didn't pull away. He stared down into her eyes. “I'm going to kiss you now. Tell me to stop.”

Her mouth opened and closed twice but no sound came out. He bent forward and she leaned into him and their lips met in the middle in a slow, gentle kiss.

For James, time stood still. This was everything he wanted to say, poured into a kiss. In his head, it was a last ditch effort. In his heart, he knew it was the last time he would ever possess her in any way. He made sure it was worth it.

Alex’s arms wound around his neck and James settled his arms around her waist, fitting her against him. The kiss deepened, intensified and James could feel his heart beating out of his chest.

As they broke apart, James hugged her tightly.

“I meant what I said,” he said quietly into her hair. “I love you, Alex.”

“James....”

He released her and stepped back. “Don't say anything. Just let me remember this.”