If You Could Love

Alex left James’ house after stopping to say hello to his family but begging off from joining them for dinner. She drove around for awhile before finally calling to apologize for Pekka for so abruptly cancelling on him, telling him there had been a minor emergency at the bakery. They made plans for a do over the next night.

The following morning, Alex was up early, her thoughts jumbled and unable to sleep any longer. She wrapped the last of the Christmas presents she had for James’ family and loaded them in her car. She drove to his house and parked in the driveway, texting Rebecca that she was there. She didn't dare go inside. She couldn't face James and the sadness in his eyes.

Rebecca came out a few minutes later and hurried down the drive and into Alex's car. “Good morning,” Rebecca said, leaning over to hug her. “You look like shit.”

Alex chuckled as she backed out of the driveway. “You are most certainly a Neal.”

“We’re honest people.”

“Tell me about it.”

“That sounds like a loaded statement.”

“And you are wise beyond your years but it is nothing.”

Rebecca smirked, one that was distinct to all of the Neal clan, as she clicked on the radio. It was something Alex loved about the family. The brothers and their only sister all shared the same smile and the same patented Neal smirk.

They chatted about Rebecca’s school as they drove and when they reached the bakery, stopped in at the coffee shop next door before Alex let them in to For Goodness Cakes.

The two girls dived right into getting their dough made for pies and then preparing fillings for them. As Alex cut apples and Rebecca mixed ingredients for a pumpkin pie, the younger woman looked over at her brothers best friend.

“So are we just ignoring the fact that James is totally head over heels in love with you orrrr?”

Alex dropped her knife with a clatter. “Shit,” she muttered, stooping down to grab it. “We’re ignoring it,” she answered quickly, tossing the knife in the sink and getting a new one.

“So you do know! Mike totally owes me twenty bucks.”

“You had a bet?”

“Mike didn't think James would ever tell you.”

“Does everyone know?”

“No. I mean, you're just confirming what we’ve all assumed. James has never said. In fact, he's denied it plenty of times. But when you visited this summer, we could tell.”

“How?” Alex asked, stopping what she was doing and turning to Rebecca.

“You never noticed that he never once looked at another girl? Or that he never took his eyes off of you? Or that he doted on you every waking minute of the day?”

Alex blushed hotly. “That's just James...”

“That's just James when it comes to you. I've never seen my brother focus his attention on one girl the way he does you.”

“I'm seeing someone.”

“Pekka.”

“Yeah.”

“And James?”

“Is my friend.”

“That's it? That's all you feel?”

Alex opened her mouth to answer and then stopped, because if she was being honest, she didn't know the answer to Rebecca's question.

She had in the last couple of years, as she and James had grown and started to settle into careers they loved, wondered whether they could be something. She knew they had chemistry, but was that enough for a lasting relationship? She wasn't so sure. Plus, James had never once shown any interest, and the line of friendship and relationship had been blurred so long ago that she didn't think anything of James holding her hand in a crowd or James buying her gifts for no reason at all.

Except...the way James treated her, the attention he paid to her, she knew it had shifted over a year ago. She knew that even though he hadn't said anything until now, his feelings had changed. And she was scared to admit hers had too.

“That's it,” she finally answered.

“Okay,” Rebecca shrugged. “If you say so. Tell me about the goalie then. He's very tall, and blonde.”

“He is very tall,” Alex agreed. “And blonde.”

“Unlike James. Have you ever noticed that all of your exes are blonde, or some variation of blonde?”

“No, Bex, I hadn't noticed.”

“Liar. Anyway, what does goalie boy have that my brother doesn't?”

“He isn't your brother.”

“Ouch. You really don't have feelings for James?”

“I'm with Pekka.”

“That's not an answer.”

“Can we bake some pies?”

“Are you coming for Christmas dinner?”

“No.”

“Why not?”

“Because James and I aren't speaking right now.”

“And it's Christmas, a season for forgiveness.”

“It's not that easy.”

“It could be, if you would own your truth.”



Christmas passed to New Year's, and James had a party at his place for his teammates to ring in 2017. His teammates and their wives and girlfriends thanked him for hosting as they arrived and commented throughout the night about how great of a job he'd done.

He couldn't take the credit though. The party, sure that had been his idea. Making it happen was all
Alex. She had coordinated the bartenders and the caterers and the DJ. She had hired the team that had come into his house at the crack of dawn to decorate the place.

When Rebecca had come home from baking with Alex on Christmas Eve, her arms full of gifts that she placed under the tree, she had a sad smile on her face that she tried to cover with cheer. For the rest of his family's visit, no one brought Alex's name up. After they left, his house felt more empty than ever. He was tempted to take in a rookie just so there would be someone, anyone, making noise in the house.

He hadn't seen Pekka and Alex arrive at his house for the party and he tried not to think about them as he greeted the others. He eventually made his way to the bar and ordered a drink before joining a group of the guys which distracted him.

Before he knew it, it was ten minutes to the new year and champagne flutes were being passed around the room. For the first time that evening, James spotted Alex as she ducked into the kitchen. As she went, light glittered off her wrist and James’s eyes widened.

Carefully, he left the room from the opposite direction and made his way to the kitchen, slipping into the room to find Alex digging through a cabinet.

He cleared his throat to alert her to his presence and she turned.

“I know that we saved a great bottle of champagne last year in here somewhere,” she said. “I thought we should toast with it.”

James crossed towards her and opened the cabinet beside the one she was looking in and grabbed the bottle she spoke of. “This one?” He asked as he held it up to her.

“That's it.”

He set the bottle on the counter and she reached for it. James wrapped his hand around her wrist. “You're wearing my bracelet.”

“It's very pretty.”

“You like it?”

“Yes.”

“Does he know I gave it to you?”

She shook her head and looked away from him, lowering her gaze to avoid his eyes. “I told him it was from my parents.”

“Why?” She shook her head again and James tipped her face to his. “Why did you lie to him?”

“Because I think I love you too.”

James felt the breath rush from his body and a roar in his head. He tugged Alex behind him to the laundry room and shut the door behind them. He pulled her body into his and kissed her and she responded by wrapping her arms around him tightly. He felt his adrenaline surge when she let out a little mewing sound as his tongue stroked hers. They broke apart quickly as a loud cheer went through the house, James was panting.

“Alex,” he started before she cut him off.

“We can't do this, James. I'm with Pekka.”

“But you love me,” he said with confusion.

“It's wrong.”

“It's wrong for two people to be in love? You can't be serious right now.”

“I don't want to hurt him.”

“But instead you'll hurt me.”

“I don't want to hurt you either. It's just complicated.”

“It doesn't have to be but you know what, if that's what you want, fine. I'm not going to wait for you though so when you figure this out, I might not be here.”

“James....”

“No, Alex. I can't do this. I can't hang on a thread for you to toy around with. If you're in then I'm in. But if you're not in, then I'm out too.”

“This isn't easy for me.”

“And it is for me? You've known me for seven years. You know me better than my own family. You've seen me through good, bad, and ugly. I know I should have said something sooner and that's on me but if you're saying you love me, that you can see something good between us like I do, then I will gladly walk out there and tell Rinne that it's over between you two and if he doesn't like it then he can shove it up his ass.”

She tried to laugh but sniffled instead. “Your house is full of your teammates.”

“I don't give a shit. They can trade me for all I care.”

“My business is here though.”

“Fuck,” he muttered pushing a hand through his hair. “Okay, maybe I'll more politely tell goalie boy to go fuck himself.”

She laughed that time and James held her, kissing her hair. “Who am I kidding,” he told her quietly. “I'll wait, Alex. For you I'd wait a lifetime.”

She went onto her tiptoes and brushed her lips across his. “We should get back out there.”

“Yep,” he agreed, reluctantly letting her go. “Go first; I'll come back out in like five minutes.”

She nodded and cracked open the door, peeking out and finding the coast clear. Before she could step out, James pulled her back for one more heart stopping kiss. She giggled as he nudged her out of the room.

James leaned back against the wall and just stared into space for several long minutes. He could feel his lips still tingling from her kiss and his body was heated where Alex had been pressed against him. He let out a breath and pushed off the wall, running his hand through his hair and straightening his clothes.

He stepped out of the laundry room and ran right into PK. “Oh, hey man,” James stuttered.

“Hiding from your own party?” He laughed.

“Something like that.”

“Hiding from Alex and Peks?”

“No,” he answered too quickly.

PK gave him a knowing smirk. “You love her, don't you?”

“No, of course not,” he scoffed.

“You don't have to lie to me, Nealer.”

He sighed. “I've been in love with her over a year and I finally work up the courage to tell her and fucking Peks comes out of nowhere and sweeps her off her feet.”

“He didn't know how you felt?”

“Nobody did. I could barely say the words myself at the time.”

“And now?”

“I just want her in my life.”

“And the team?”

“Is it bad to say I couldn't give a flying fuck about the team? Because I don't. Just her. Jesus this is so fucked up.”

“I can't say that I blame you, man. Alex is really cool. And I really didn't believe Johnny when he told me you two weren't together. I thought he had to be lying. You seem so in tune with each other.”

“We were,” James replied sadly. “We’re not really talking these days. I picked a fight a few weeks ago with her and she moved out.”

“Man, I'm sorry to hear that. You just gotta believe that things will work out the way they're supposed to.”

“Yeah, I know.”

PK clapped him on the shoulder. “If it's meant to be, it's meant to be.”