Breathe

“Backseat Freestyle” blared off the speakers and Harry and I raised our red cups in the air, swaying and shaking our arses to the beat. We were doubled over in laughter, trying not to spill our drinks with our enthusiastic dance moves.

It was Halloween and Theta Chi was throwing the biggest bash on campus. The entire frat house was more packed than any other weekend. The costumes were all over the board this year from extremely funny, like Zoe who literally walked in with all mint green hair, black mini with her lipstick drawn on thick and past her lip line and fake eyelashes that went as far as her eyebrows. When I asked her who she was, she replied, “Kylie Jenner.” Harry started to choke on his drink and had to take a seat. And then others were scary, such as the one guy who walked in wearing a Twisty the Clown costume. I almost elbowed him on the face when he got too close. I was not fucking playing with that shit.

Nothing, however, could beat how good Zayn and Louis looked. The two of them went all out with their costumes and makeup. Louis dressed up as Le Grossman, a character Tom Cruise played in some movie. He looked so real; I walked right past him when I first saw him. Zayn, on the other hand, was dressed as a woman. He called it his sexy secretary costume and had actual boobs and cleavage. A few guys even tried to make passes at him not recognizing who he really was. They also cheered when he kissed Zoe.

“Girls gone wild,” one of them had yelled.

Boys were so dumb.

I got insanely lazy with my costume this year and decided to pop into the shop with Harry the day before the party because he was in the same boat. We both browsed through the leftover costumes, since everyone had already taken the good ones, and settled on a cat suit for me while he chose a kangaroo. We almost looked like we were coordinating. The costumes were so bad, but funny because we looked like morons.  

It didn’t matter that much because me and Harry were having a great time and were also very, very drunk. We started drinking as soon as we’d come in, taking a few shots with our friends before mixing our own drinks and dancing with our cups in our hands.

Niall, who was dressed up as Prince Charming, shimmied over to us, rapping along to the song.

“Goddamn I got bitches, damn I got bitches,” he went, with extreme suave waving his hands around. “Damn I got bitches. Wifey, girlfriend and mistress.”

It was only then that Layla, who also joined us this week dressed up as sexy zombie, walked over, looking unamused at Niall. She scoffed at what he’d just rapped and looked smug.

“Nice,” she commented, rolling her eyes and walking away with Ed, who was drunkenly throwing his hand up in the air with his eyes closed and swaying, too in the zone to notice what was going on around him.

Niall looked annoyed as he turned back to us. “Why does she always come at the most inopportune time when I look like the biggest douchebag on the face of the earth?”

“Maybe she’s, like, super into you, right?” Harry reasoned, his words slurring. Niall nodded, enthusiastically, clearly liking where this was going. “And she’s always, like, got her eyes on you.”

“You’re everything that she sees,” I sang, imitating my perfect Drake voice.

Harry and Niall snorted at me before Harry continued, “So, she’s always keeping an eye on you, right? And I think it’s half because she wants to stare at you because you’re so handsome and rugged and Irish. And also because she wants to catch you at your worst so that she can convince her other half that she really shouldn’t stare at you because you’re, like, a piece of shit.”

I narrowed my eyes, trying to understand what Harry was telling Niall. It seemed a bit logical, but also very deep and Harry was so drunk. I wondered if he even knew what he was saying. “Harry,” I quipped, frowning and cocking my head to the side. “What the fuck are you talking about?”

Harry turned to me, giving me an unamused look. “Harry,” he imitated, making his voice high pitched. “What the fuck are you talking about?”

I frowned harder and pouted. “What?”

Harry laughed, grabbing my hand and pulling me close to his chest. “Your voice gets super high pitched when you’re drunk and confused, did you know? It’s usually raspy ‘n stuff, but right now it got so high. Makes me laugh. So much.”

I mocked him, sticking my tongue out and rolling my eyes. “Yeah, well yours gets unreasonably deep. You sound like a man.”

“I am a man,” he told me, trying to look macho and puffing out his chest.

I laughed, pushing him back by poking his chest until he deflated it and laughed with me. He grabbed my finger and squeezed it, making me cringe and try to pull away. Once he let go, we both dissolved into giggles again before turning back to Niall, who was watching us with a curious expression. I smiled at him as Harry slung his arm around me, swaying to the Big Sean tune that was blasting on the speakers.

“Don’t worry about Layla,” I told Niall. “You need to know that you’re a good guy and she’s missing out.”

“And that she’ll come around,” Harry added, grinning.

Niall nodded, shrugging his shoulders. “I suppose. We’ll see. I’ve been pretty celibate since I met her.”

“You were making out with what’s her face a few days ago,” Harry reminded him.

“Making out and having sex are different things, Styles. Celibate means I haven’t had sex. A man needs sex. Making out doesn't fucking cut it. Gosh, Harry, you’re so drunk you’re forgetting your vocabulary and saying stupid things.”

“Blame Blair. Her idea to get so drunk. She got me drunk.”

“‘M just trying to live it up,” I said, smiling cheekily.

“Alright, you two enjoy, I’m going to go find Louis or Zayn to go for a smoke.” Niall walked away and left the two of us on our own.

I turned to Harry, pursing my lips. “Want to go for a refill?”

“Sure,” he nodded giddily, like it was the best thing I’d said all evening. We took our cups and walked to the kitchen where we found Liv, Liam, and Louis stood together and chatting. Liv was Ariel and put on a fake red wig. It made her look heavenly. Liam was Batman and looked terrifying and huge. It was kind of hot.

“Hiiii guys,” Harry said, grabbing them into a big group hug, everyone’s heads knocking together.

I laughed, taking his cup from his hand before refilling it with whatever alcoholic drink I could find and a splash of coke.

“You alright, H?” Louis asked, fondly ruffling Harry’s hair under his costume ears.

“Amazing,” he replied, pulling away and freeing all of them so he could poke Louis’s big, fake belly. “What’s up with you guys? Didn’t see you out on the dance floor. B and I’ve been tearing it apart. We’ve got some killer moves.”

Liv laughed. “I noticed you two doing the whip and the nae nae. Classic.”

Harry smiled at her and I noticed him give her a once over before taking his cup back from me. My lips pulled into a thin line as I turned to look at Liv as well. Her mermaid costume consisted of a long aqua fish tail and a seashell bra we found in a lingerie store. It was cute and I wondered if Harry thought so, too. What was Harry thinking? Why was he checking her out? Why did I even care? Why did I always get so curious whenever I drank too much?

“Earth to Blair,” Louis said, crowding up in my face and waving his hand a few times. I blinked and realized I’d zoned out. Louis smiled and I noticed the bald spots on his head since he was so close.

I laughed nervously; almost afraid they heard what I was thinking about. Which was bizarre because why would they? “Yeah?”

“We were just asking if you’d seen Josh,” he said.

I frowned because when did Josh come up in conversation. “No,” I shook my head. “I haven’t seen him at all.”

“He’s been making it a point to ask everyone whether you and Harry have couple costumes on,” Liam informed me. His mask was massive and I could hardly see his face. I hoped he could breathe under there. I was suddenly very concerned. Also, very fucking drunk.

I frowned even harder. “He asked that?”

“They’re not couple costumes. She’s a cat and I’m a kangaroo. They just look similar because it was all the shop had,” Harry laughed. “Besides, Josh should really get a hint and back off. B’s not into him.”

“Some guys are optimistic,” Louis piped up. “Like our dear, old Niall.”

“Niall is sort of justified,” Liam said. “Layla has been opening up to him more and more since he’s been trying to prove to her he’s not a dick. So it’s kind of encouraging him to be better for her.”

“I just wish there was an easier way to tell a guy that you’re just not interested but still want to be friends without sounding like a complete bitch,” I said to them.

“Being direct has never failed,” Liv advised, which made Louis start to laugh.

“Like I said, I’ll sound like a bitch,” I told them.

The five of us continued to chat until everyone rushed back to the dance floor when the new Maroon 5 track came on. Liv and I took out our living room dance routine that we’d been practicing and tried to show off every party we went to. Needless to say, it was a hit. Even Zayn, Zoe and Niall joined us. Zayn was doing a weird shimmy thing where his fake boobs kept jiggling back and forth and up and down, which had Layla crying in a corner from laughing so hard.

Once the song switched over to an Iggy track, everyone dispersed in different directions, but Harry and I lingered on the dance floor, trying to rap along even though we didn’t know all the words. After a while we gave up and walked over to a couch that was just left vacant after a couple who were furiously making out decided to take it upstairs. Harry slumped down beside me.

“Hey Blair,” Harry said.

I hummed in response.

“Does Liv ever talk about me?” he asked.

“What?” I turned to him.

“Does she talk--. Never mind. Ignore me.”

“No,” I insisted, scooting closer. “What’s up?”

“I don’t want to ask anymore,” he said, looking red in the face.

“Why not?” I asked him.

“It’s stupid. Please, change the topic. Want to play a game?”

“What game?”

“This or that,” he laughed. “I’ll start. Channing Tatum or Zac Efron?”

I bit my lip, giving it some serious thought. “I think Zac Efron.”

Harry raised his eyebrows, looking shocked. “I’d have picked Channing, but whatever. Titanic or The Notebook?”

“Titanic, hands down.”

“Good choice,” he commended. “King’s College or Imperial.”

“Imperial,” I smiled.

Harry grinned, full on before continuing. “Louis or me.”

“You,” I said dramatically. “Always you.” I paused for a moment. “But don’t tell Louis.”

Harry laughed. “Alright, I won’t. Okay. This next one’s crucial...oranges or bananas?”

“I hate bananas. I’ll have to go with oranges,” I replied. Harry gave me one short look before scooting to the other end of the couch. I stared at him dumbfounded. “What?”

“Friendship over,” he said, yelling dramatically.

“Oh my god,” I cried, laughing. “What?”

“I said friendship over,” he repeated. “Honestly, who the fuck picks oranges over bananas? Are you joking?”

“They’re not that good to me,” I said. “The texture in my mouth feels weird. But listen, I know you’re passionate about bananas, though. I respect you.”

“You’re insane,” Harry said, making me laugh again. I scooted down the couch until he was next to Harry again. It only took a minute of cuddling until their friendship was back on once again.

The party wore on for a few more hours, everyone going hard even though the sun was soon to be coming up. When I could no longer feel the bones in my body, I decided to find Liv and head back home. Layla had gone home with Zoe earlier because she’d gotten a bit sick, but I knew Liv hadn’t left yet.

However, as I searched through the frat house, I couldn’t find her anywhere. “I can’t find Liv,” I said to Harry, after looking in every room upstairs.

“Where is she?” he asked, frowning.

I shrugged. “I think I’ll have to go on my own. It shouldn’t be a problem.”

“I’ll walk you home,” Harry offered. “I don’t want you going out alone. There’s all sorts of crazies at this school.”

I laughed harder than necessary. “You’re right. Wouldn’t want to be mugged by a guy dressed as a giant baby with huge, fake diapers.”

Harry shook his head as though what I’d said was preposterous. “Definitely not. C’mon then.” The two of us grabbed our coats and left the frat house in all it’s after party glory...tons and tons of red cups on the floor, people passed out in different areas, and the smell of booze and weed all over.

When we stepped out, the air was a lot fresher, but misty and cold. “It’s chilly,” I said, pulling my jacket closer.

“Yeah,” Harry agreed. “Almost winter, innit?”

I hummed in agreement and felt Harry move in closer, his body heat melding in with mine. I smiled to myself and I had no idea why. Maybe I was still drunk.

“I’m going to have the worst hangover tomorrow,” Harry lamented after a while.

I laughed, throwing my head back. The sky was slowly turning a dark shade of blue. “I am, too. It’s going to be so great. Especially with all that revision I’ve put off.”

“The party was fun,” Harry conceded. “I haven’t gotten this drunk in a while, though. Last time was probably sometime in summer with the boys. So, this would be my first time this school year.”

“What party over summer did you get drunk at?” I asked him.

“A party at Louis’. He has one every summer, or did these past four years that we’ve been in Uni. It’s been a proper rager every time. Everyone and their moms come and it goes on till the afternoon the next day. I don’t think anyone is remotely sober at that party ever.”

“I’ve gotta go if he ever has one again,” I smiled.

“He probably will,” Harry replied. He quieted down for a bit and then grinned. “You know when you were with Liam and some of the other boys in the kitchen? Louis and I saw Layla and Niall have this full on fight. They were screaming at each other, well mostly Layla was, but Niall was trying to talk over the music and he looked so upset.”

I shook my head, smiling. “I heard about that. It was right before she got sick I think. Liv was telling me what happened. Poor Niall couldn’t go on with the party after that. He was so concerned about her.”

“Why did they fight? Do you know?” Harry asked.

“She said that Niall was flirting with Layla as usual, but after a while Liv and Layla were hanging out and they saw Niall kissing some other girl. Then Liv said Layla got unreasonably angry. Started to glare and point it out all annoyed.”

“So, she was jealous?”

“She wouldn’t quite admit it. She was just really aggressive when Niall tried talking to her again.”

“I don’t know who’s wrong,” Harry shrugged. “On one hand, Niall is basically proving he’s a little prick like Layla has been saying. But she never gives him a chance and a man has needs like he said.”

“They’ll figure it out. Speaking of which, where the fuck did Liv even go? I lost track of her after dancing with her.”

“Maybe she got lucky tonight,” Harry said, grinning.

“She did look hot,” I agreed.

We continued to talk about our friends and the party as well as stupid things in between, like the new Taylor Swift album or some random episode of How I Met Your Mother that we were still laughing about. They were having so much fun that by the time we got to my flat, we almost walked right past it. Harry found our way back and stood at the doorway as I fished out my keys from my pocket.

“Thanks for walking me home,” I said to him, smiling.

“It was my pleasure,” he smiled back.

“Hope you survive the hangover tomorrow.”

“God can only save me from that,” he laughed.

“Alright, I guess I’ll go,” I said.

“Yeah,” he nodded, smiling softly. “Give me a hug before you go, though.”

I laughed again, wondering to myself what the hell I found so funny, and walked back towards him. Harry had his arms wide open and enveloped me without hesitation. My arms wrapped around his neck and nuzzled my head into the crook of his shoulder, his skin warm against my nose. And it dawned on me that, wow, this was a really nice hug. It made me feel warm inside despite the chill in the air. Harry held on tightly to my waist and sighed softly, swaying us a little. I held on tighter after that, not wanting to let go. Not by a long shot.

We did pull away, though, after what seemed like ages, both of our cheeks warm and red. “Goodnight,” I whispered to him.

“Sweet dreams,” he replied before turning around and walking back towards his flat. We waved to each other once more before I walked inside.



After Halloween, I pushed myself to get back into the swing of things as far as my academics went because I’d been slacking. I caught up on all my course work, despite having the worst hangover I’d had in ages, and pushed through a ton of revision. Mid terms had just ended, so every professor was gearing up for finals, which made me really nervous. Finals were the worst time in every uni student’s life. However, despite the start and the middle being grueling and tough, the end was sweet.

After one of my classes the following week, I was walking out with a few of my classmates, discussing an upcoming exam, when I noticed Harry and Liv walking out of a building nearby.

I wanted to go over and say hi, but George from Accounting was talking about bank reconciliations and adjusting entries, so I didn’t want to interrupt him. Instead, I nodded my head politely, hoping he’d hurry up.

When I glanced back at my friends, I noticed that Harry was making rather big gestures with his hands and telling Liv something, making her laugh extra hard. I wanted to be in on the joke, but for some reason, I felt weird about approaching them all of a sudden. It looked like they were in their own bubble, and if I walked over I’d ruin it, which I didn’t want to.

It was strange, but with some things I’d been noticing, maybe not so much.

Sunday after Halloween, I’d found out that Liv had somehow passed out in Ed’s room at the frat house, and when I’d gone searching Ed had locked it so that no one could go in and disturb her. As the day progressed, I remembered parts of the party, despite most of it being a drunken haze.

For instance, Harry’d been openly checking Liv out, asking about her, etc. Was Harry taking what I’d said to him that day at Lego Club seriously? Was he actually into Liv and trying to pursue her? I wouldn’t find it weird if Harry was thinking about getting back into dating again. He was a bit of a hopeless romantic. He liked the concept of love and being in love. He liked being with someone. I didn’t think that he’d enjoy being single for too long.

On top of that, I genuinely thought he was well on the way to getting over Darcy. He hasn’t mentioned her much lately and his urges to call her or meet her had lessened with time. That part was good because we’d all been worried that the process would be really difficult for him. However, he’d been handling it great so far. He and Darcy seemed to be on okay terms after everything.

So, the idea of him wanting to move on and see other people wasn’t weird. What was weird was seeing him with Liv. The idea of them was weird.



“Have I told you I want to get another tattoo?” I asked.

Harry raised his eyebrows and looked at me, taking a small sip of his hot coffee. The two of us had ventured out on another coffee run, except this time since the weather was getting colder, we were sat inside the car with the heat on blast. We’d pushed our seats back and lifted our feet up on the console; very comfortable and warm.

“Do you now?” Harry asked.

I nodded. “I do. It’ll be my third one and I’ve been waiting a bit, but I think I’m ready.”

“What do you want to get?”

“I’m thinking my initials on the side of my hand,” I said, raising up my hand to show exactly where. “In like a nice cursive writing.”

“You can never go wrong with initials,” Harry said. “I’ve got A and G tattooed on me for mum and Gemma. I love it.”

“They’re pretty,” I said. “I don’t know if I’d get anything for my family as self centered as that sounds. Like, I’ve got the stars on my ear from back in sixth form, and it was very girly of me. The lion on my pointer finger came sometime when I first started uni and I like that one a lot better.”

“Now, you’re getting BG,” Harry chimed, grinning.

“BEG,” I corrected him. “My middle name is Elizabeth.”

“Elizabeth,” he repeated, mulling over that. “That’s pretty.”

“Thank you,” I gushed. “Anyways, reason I’m telling you about this is because I want to know if you want to come with me when I get it? I figured you’d know some good tattoo parlors around here seeing as you’ve got 500 on yourself.”

“A little over fifty,” he corrected me. “But yeah, I’ll go with you. Mum’s made me promise her over the summer not to go into any tattoo parlors for at least a good six months so I’m not tempted, but a little rule breaking never hurt nobody.”

“Will you be tempted?”

He shrugged. “I can handle it. She just doesn’t trust me.”

I shook my head, laughing. “Where do you get your ideas for your tattoos?” I asked, not being able to help myself. Ever since I’d met him, I’d taken note of every one of his tattoos. Some of them were really nice, others hardly made any sense. He would tell me stories about how he got them, but not so much why. It seemed that he didn’t really tell anyone because not even the boys knew half of them. What he did tell me from time to time was that he really liked them. He’d always wanted them growing up and found the whole thing beautiful as an art form.

“I draw them mostly,” Harry said. “Or I’ll write down an idea. I’ve got this little black book full of drawings and scribblings that I keep for reference whenever I want a new one. All of the ones I’ve gotten have been from years of putting ideas down in that book.”

“I think I’ve seen it in your room before,” I said, curiously. “Can I see it?”

Harry shook his head. “Nope. Top secret, that.”

“Ah, can’t say I didn't try. I think my favorite tattoo of yours is probably the ship.”

“Yeah?” he asked. “The ship?”

I nodded. “It’s nicely drawn. Greatly placed.”

“You mean on my big biceps?” Harry asked, flexing them and looking cocky.

I rolled my eyes. “Wouldn’t make sense to have it where you have your butterfly, now would it?”

“No, it wouldn’t,” he laughed, then added with a sarcastic tone, “I think for me out of all your tattoos because you have so many--.”

“--We’re not all pirates--.”

“--Would probably be your stars because they’re really cute.”

“You think so?” I asked, smiling. “That’s Liv’s favorite, too.”

Harry nodded. “I like where it’s placed, too. Good idea.”

My hands traced over where the tattoos were and my mind wandered over to Liv. “Speaking of Liv,” I said slowly, finally able to bring it up. Harry looked over at me, expression open and innocent. “I saw you two the other day at school.”

“Oh,” he said, laughing a little. “Would make sense since we all go to the same school.” I shot him a look and he laughed again, but said sorry before continuing. “But yeah, why didn’t you come over?”

“Looked...intimate?”

Harry frowned, the laughter gone from his voice. “Intimate? What are you talking about?”

“Well, I guess not intimate, but I felt like I’d be intruding.”

“You wouldn’t have been,” he said quickly.

I let the silence take over for a bit before looking back up at him. “Is there anything I should know? Like, I’ve been noticing…”

Harry shrugged. “I don’t know. Like, you remember when you mentioned it in Lego Club? I’ve been thinking about it since then. And, Liv’s great. She’s gorgeous and she’s smart. She really is what I described to you when I talked about my perfect girl. So, I’ve been talking to her and it’s nice?”

“Of course it’s nice,” I said. “You’re friends. What do you want now, though?”

“I don’t know,” he shrugged again. “Do you think it could be something?”

I was quiet for a bit because, wow, this was actually a conversation we were having. Liv and Harry. I let out a short laugh. “I’m not sure. I haven’t really thought about it. Do you want something to happen?”

“I don’t know.”

It seemed to be the only thing he kept repeating. That he didn’t know. And quite frankly, I didn’t know either. I wasn’t thinking about just Liv and how she’d be feeling about this, but I was strangely throwing myself into the mix. How would I feel? Did I want them to date? It was then that I realized that it didn’t matter. It had nothing to do with me. This wasn’t up to me.

Harry was actually open to the idea and I was sure Liv would be, too. Didn’t she, herself, say she once liked Harry? So, it could maybe work. Strange as it may seem to me.

“Do you want me to ask her for you?” I asked, turning to him. “A test run?”

He shrugged for the hundredth time. “You could. I wouldn’t be opposed to it.”

“Alright, I’ll ask.”

“Thanks,” he turned to me, putting his coffee down, and rubbing his palms together. “I hope this isn’t weird?”

“No,” I shook my head. “Not weird. But we could switch the topic if you feel weird?”

“Yeah, sure,” he nodded his head. “Can I tell you about the time I got these lyrics tattooed on my ankle?”

“Yeah,” I nodded, smiling at him.

The topic of Harry and Liv was soon forgotten as we shared stories and bounced off more tattoo ideas between each other. It seemed to be a good turn away from how intense it had gotten in the car earlier, however, it continued to nag me inside even after he dropped me off home around five in the morning with the sun slowly coming up.

Why was I feeling so weird?