Breathe

“So,” I said, hopping up on the kitchen counter and dangling my legs back and forth, looking at Liv as she chopped up some bok choy. “We haven’t gone out since Halloween.”

Liv nodded, not looking up from her cooking. She’d come in from class about an hour ago, showered, and then offered to make us dinner since I was feeling extra lazy that day. It was nearly ready and the lovely smell from the baked ziti in the oven was enough to make my mouth water. “Yeah, everyone went so hard that night that we’re all sort of partied out. Maybe this weekend?”

“Yeah,” I nodded, watching her put the bok choy in the boiling water. “Harry was saying there might be something on this weekend.”

Liv hummed in response, still too busy cooking to even look at me.

“Speaking of Harry,” I continued, then paused for dramatic effect. “He’s cool.”

“Yeah,” El laughed, giving him a look before turning away again. “I know.”

“Pretty good looking too, you know?” I said.

Liv looked confused and paused. “Okay, yeah. He’s very handsome.”

“Like...really nice, good looking, smart.”

“What are you on about?” she asked, laughing.

I shrugged. “Nothing. Just saying he’s an amazing guy.”

“Oh my god,” Liv cried, stopping everything she was doing to turn and look at me. “Do you like him? Is that why you’re saying all this? You like him! I knew it was going to happen eventually.”

My mouth dropped and I gaped at Liv because this was not how the conversation was supposed to go. She looked ecstatic, grinning from ear to ear, so I quickly shook my head. “No,” I snorted. “I don’t like him. When did I say that?”

Her smile started to fade and she frowned, instead. “You’re talking him up. Saying he’s good looking and stuff. What am I supposed to think? Plus, the pair of you are so close. I figured it would happen one day or another.”

I started to laugh because that was just ridiculous. Harry was such a dude. He was a bro. A pal. I could never. “Not quite.”

“So, why are you talking him up then?” Liv asked, going back to finishing up dinner. The bok choy was nearly done and she was checking the ziti again.

“I just want to know whether you think the same,” I replied. “About all the things I just said.”

Liv gave me a quick glance before the oven started beeping, notifying us of the finished ziti. She grabbed the oven mitts and opened the oven, taking out the tray, before placing it on the counter. This conversation would have to wait a bit longer. I hopped off the counter and helped her take out plates, serving us both generous helpings of everything, before moving over to our little dining table. Once we’d grabbed tall glasses of lemon water and forks and knives, we finally settled down, ready to eat.

“I do think the same,” she said to me after taking the first bite, continuing the conversation herself. “Harry’s great. He’s my mate.”

“You did mention you once liked him,” I reminded her, trying not to moan from how good the ziti was. Bless Liv’s cooking abilities.

“Yeah,” she shrugged, “but it wasn’t serious. Like, you know, a small crush. It didn’t last very long.”

“Well, now you know him as a person and spent time with him. How do you feel now?”

She frowned again, trying to figure out where I was going with this. To be frank, it was putting a lot of stress on me. Liv was smart, but at the moment she was being dumber than a loaf of bread. Harry had asked me as a friend to mention it to her to see how she’d react and if she’d be cool with maybe going on a date with him some time soon. I thought it’d be a walk in the park, but so far, it was just stressful and annoying how suspicious yet simultaneously oblivious she was being.

“Now we are friends,” she replied finally, albeit confused about whether that was the right thing to say or not.

“Yeah, I know you’re friends, but you used to like him,” I repeated, praying she’d catch on.

“What are you trying to get at?” she asked then, plain and simple. “Where are we going with this?”

“Harry wants to take you out,” I blurted.

Liv gaped at me, a bite of zitti only halfway in her mouth. “Are you joking?” she asked.

I shook my head. “We’ve been talking about it.”

“About what? Me and him?” she sputtered, eyes wide and confused.

I nodded. “You guys are very similar and it might not be a bad idea. He could be the one for you and you could be the one for him.”

“What the fuck are you on about?” Liv cried. “Here I am thinking you two are going to get together and you pull this on me and say he wants to take me out?”

“Why is that so surprising?”

“It is. Everyone expects it happen between you two. Harry and I are nothing more than friends.”

“But you used to like him!”

“Yeah, like three years ago for five minutes,” she replied emphatically. “It was hardly anything in the grand scheme of things. I really hope you didn’t tell him I did, by the way. How did you two even come up with this idea? Was it you or did he ask?”

I sighed, slumping back in my seat. “It started because we were talking about him moving on. And he wants to try dating so he described his perfect girl to me. What he described fit you.”

“Exactly me or...?”

“Kind of like you. It was vague, but in my head you fit the description, and then I suggested it and turns out he was into it. And then he asked me to mention it to you to see how you’d feel.”

Liv shook her head, disapprovingly. “You two are so insane.”

“It’s not that insane. You two could actually work,” I said.

“What if we don’t? How weird would that be? Besides, the only time we spend one on one is in class. Even then we don’t always sit next to each other. The reason I jumped to the conclusion of you liking him is because you’re with him way more than I am. You two are the ones who spend a lot of time together.”

I groaned. “I wish you’d stop talking about me and him that way because there isn’t anything to talk about. Right now, he wants to take you out. I think you should go for it. What do you have to lose?”

“His friendship. The group dynamic.”

“I know for a fact that you two are way too mature to ever let that happen.”

Liv sighed, toying with her food. “I don’t know. If he asked, I’d feel bad saying no, I guess.”

“Then say yes! It’s that simple.”

Liv didn’t say anything for a few moments, so I figured she was still thinking about it. I continued to eat, digging into my bok choy next. I loved bok choy, I really did, because Liv made it so well with oil and everything. Unfortunately, I’d underestimated how much I could chew and put in my mouth when Liv finally replied.

“I’ll think about it.”

“Ya--,” I started to cheer until the piece of bok choy I had in my mouth was halfway down my throat and half stuck to my teeth, so I started to choke. I coughed roughly trying to get it out, but it almost seemed hopeless. Was this how I was going to die?

Liv bolted up out of her seat, screaming. “Oh my god,” she yelled. “Don’t choke!” She ran to the kitchen, helplessly, as I tried to down the bok choy instead of trying to cough it back out. I could see Liv laughing yet panicking at the same time as she grabbed napkins and threw them at me. “Stop choking! Stop choking!”

I started to laugh, seeing her so conflicted. That only seemed to make it worse, tears springing to my eyes as she threw more napkins at me. What the fuck were the napkins going to do?

I stopped laughing and focused, finally letting the leaf go down my throat. I quickly took a long sip of my water to wash it out. El stared at me from where she stood, panting from laughing. When I finally felt okay again, I started to giggle, as did she. Soon, we were both bent over, trying to catch our breaths again.

“I was so scared,” she screamed. “Shut up.”

“Yeah, is that why you were laughing and throwing napkins at me? Did you think the napkins were gonna help in any way?”

“I panicked!”

“You’re a dumb bitch,” I wheezed, wiping the last tear out of the corner of my eye. “That was pathetic.”

“I genuinely had no idea what to do,” she said, still bent down on the floor. “I’m sorry.”

“It’s okay,” I said, chuckling. “Come on. I want to finish my dinner.”

“Fine,” she said, taking her seat again. “Just finish chewing before you talk again, you animal.”

I smiled, staring down at my plate, and then gulping. “I don’t think I want the bok choy anymore,” I told her meekly, pushing it to a far end of my plate. Liv laughed before giving me a kiss on my temple and going back to her food.



Due to Harry’s vast number of tattoos, he knew a couple of really great places around campus where I could get mine. He booked me an appointment at one of his favorite shops and drove me there to get the tattoo. I was somewhat nervous, but mostly excited. I always felt a bit of nerves before a tattoo and it wasn’t a good feeling. It made my stomach feel all funny.

“You alright?” Harry asked, looking over at me from his driver’s seat.

I nodded. “I’m fine.”

“You seem antsy,” he remarked, looking rather cheeky and whimsical. “Nervous, are you?”

“No,” I replied quickly. “Just you know...the usual.”

Harry laughed. “It’s alright. I get like that, too.”

“I wouldn’t have thought. You’ve got, like, 500 tats on your body and some of them are rather large.”

“Doesn’t mean I don’t get a little shaken up before I get them. It’s a big commitment.”

“I know. Once I get it then I’ll be good, I think. I hope it comes out pretty.”

“Tom’s great at it,” Harry proclaimed. “He’s one of my best mates, actually. Known him for ages. He does them on himself sometimes and he did a bunch for his wife, Lou.”

“That’s cute,” I giggled. “What a cool couple.”

Harry smiled back, continuing to drive through the quiet streets. “They’re amazing together. They’ve even got a little daughter. Her name’s Lux. Sometimes she’s at the shop.”

“How old is she?”

“I think about three or four,” Harry replied. “She loves me. Calls me Uncle Harry.”

How fucking adorable was that? I beamed to myself. We arrived at the tattoo shop shortly after and Harry parked a block away, the two of us walking to the shop together. When we walked in, I heard a squeal of laughter followed by a little blonde girl suddenly running right into me and then falling. I immediately bent down, making sure she was okay. The girl giggled at me, her big, blue eyes gleeful as she ran away again, back to where she came from.

“Lux,” a woman called, appearing from behind a door and quickly grabbing the little girl. “Shouldn’t have given you that chocolate bar. You’re so hyper tonight.”

“Hiii, Lou,” Harry greeted, walking further into the shop. I followed him as he walked over to the pair and gave them a hug and a kiss. Lux immediately took to Harry, climbing into his arms, and giving him a hug. “This is my friend, Blair. Blair, this is Lou. She’s Tom’s wife.”

“Hi,” I smiled, shaking her hand. “Nice to meet you.”

“Nice to meet you, too,” she smiled brightly. Just like Harry had mentioned, I noticed several tattoos on her body, including a few on her fingers. She had on ripped jeans and a white tank top, her silver dyed hair falling over shoulders. I immediately felt so uncool in my joggers and Taylor Swift t-shirt under my coat. Maybe I also should have showered instead of tying my hair up in a stupid bun that I let Harry do.

Harry nudged me, snapping me out of my thoughts and making me turn back to him. “This is Lux,” he cooed, introducing us. “Lux, this is my friend Blair. From school.”

Lux turned to look at me and gave me a friendly, happy smile. “Hi,” she quipped.

I laughed fondly, taking one of her hands and letting her squeeze my finger.

“Are you here to get another one?” Lou asked Harry.

He shook his head, sadly. “Mum asked me to slow down. Blair is, though. She wants to get a hand piece done. I booked an appointment with Tom.”

Lou gestured over to another corner of the shop. “He’s finishing up a previous booking. Will be with you guys shortly.”

“Alright,” Harry said, still fixated on Lux, who was starting to braid his curls. Or trying to at least. “Guess Luxy will have to keep us company, won’t you?”

She nodded her head, casually, as she twisted four strands together, frustrated that it wasn’t an actual braid.

“Good,” Lou said. “Can you tire her out for me? I’ve been trying to put Lux to bed for ages, but a customer came in, and gave her a piece of chocolate bar, and now she’s as hyper as ever.”

I laughed. “Sounds like Harry after coffee.”

The three of us stood there, chatting and it turned out that Harry was a lot closer to this family than he let on. In some ways, it seemed that they were his family away from home. They lived in the flat above the shop and had a secret stairway that led upstairs. From what I could tell, Harry came over a lot. There were several nights a month that he came over for dinner. He even sometimes babysat Lux so that Tom and Lou could have a date night. It was a surprise Harry had never mentioned them in all our conversations.

After a while, Tom was done with the last customer and ushered us over. I sat down on the chair and introduced myself while Lou, Harry and Lux stood nearby, engrossed in their own conversation.

“So, what are you planning on getting?” Tom asked.

“I want my initials in a really nice cursive handwriting right here,” I said, showing him the side of my hand.

“Got it,” Tom replied. “What are your initials?”

“B-E-G,” I replied.

“Beg,” he laughed. “Might give people another idea.”

“I never thought about that,” I mused quietly.

“Don’t worry about it,” Tom replied. “One of the best things about getting tattoos is that if it’s clever enough, it’ll leave people wondering what it’s really about. You could literally get a banana tattooed on you and people will start coming up with all these deep meanings, but realistically, you might just like bananas.”

“I love bananas,” Harry called over to us.

“We know,” we both replied, turning to each other, and laughing.

“I guess you’re right,” I told Tom. He smiled, writing out my initials and when he was done, he showed me.

“How’s this?”

I looked over at the cursive lettering and smiled. “I love it,” I told him. “I love how the letters all tangle together.”

Tom smiled before getting everything ready and it wasn’t long until I heard the buzzing of the tattoo gun running.



“Do you like your tattoo?” Harry asked, watching me as I examined my hand under the clear wrap.

It was actually exactly how I pictured it, the lettering and the way it was positioned fit perfectly with my description to Tom. The process wasn’t all that bad either. I was well distracted by Harry and Lou chatting and keeping me in the conversation. Lux even came and held my hand for a few moments, wincing as the needle hit my skin as though she was the one getting tattooed.

“I do,” I smiled. “Thanks for taking me.”

Harry grinned happily. We were back in his car, sat outside the coffee shop as per usual, and having a drink. I picked up my coffee cup and blew on it to cool it down before taking a sip. Harry was fiddling with the stereo, trying to decide on a song.

“So, I spoke to Liv,” I told him. Harry stopped fiddling and pressing buttons to look up at me. “About, you know, the whole thing.”

“Yeah,” he said quietly.

“She was surprised, to be honest,” I continued. “Wasn’t really expecting it. But, she said she’d be into it.”

“She said that?” Harry asked, surprise etched on his face.

I nodded. “Took her a little bit to consider it and then she said that she’d give it a shot.”

Harry was unreadable at first, staring into his coffee cup. I wasn’t sure if he was happy or upset. He wasn’t giving me much to work on. Eventually, he did look up and smiled softly. “Thanks for talking to her. I know it must have been a bit weird. Very sixth form of me.”

“Of course, H. It was no big deal,” I said to him. “You’re happy, right?”

He shrugged. “Feels a bit weird.”

“Weird, how?”

“I don’t know,” he shrugged again. “Do you wanna go for a drive tonight?”

I smiled and nodded my head, understanding that he didn’t really want to talk about it. I wasn’t sure if I’d have much to say, anyway. Harry put his coffee in the cup holder and shifted the gear shift to drive before pulling out of our spot and driving.



Liam took the biggest bite of his cheeseburger that I’d ever seen a person take and grinned at me. “I’m so glad you came, B,” he mumbled, mouthful of food. “Otherwise, we’d have probably starved.”

“I second that,” Louis agreed from the other couch as he dug into his chips. Zayn and Niall were too busy eating to even say anything.

“Pleasure’s all mine, boys,” I laughed. “But why do I get the feeling you’re only glad I came over because I brought food?”

“Does it seem that way?” Niall asked, frowning.

“The way it seems is that you lot don’t nearly eat enough,” I replied. “Which is weird because all the boys I know eat like pigs.”

“It’s not that,” Louis shrugged. “Usually if Harry’s around he cooks and he makes sure there’s a lot in his portions, but most nights when he’s got class or he’s revising, it’s Ramen. Like, lots of Ramen. We’re usually too broke to get anything like burgers and take-away more than maybe once a week.”

“That’s depressing,” I laughed, taking a bite of my own burger. “Liv and I both cook more nights than not. And we’re actually good.”

“I’m so jealous,” Zayn mumbled, sadly. “I miss home made cooking. And none of that pasta shit, you know? I want my mum’s biryani.”

I looked at Zayn, concern etched onto my features. He looked genuinely upset, but then Louis waved his hands off, disregarding him. “Don’t mind him,” Louis said. “A few weeks into term and Zayn always gets sick of all the white boys he lives with.”

“They can’t eat even moderately spicy food,” Zayn told me. “It’s so annoying.”

I started to laugh at the looks Liam and Niall threw him. “We went to get curry with you that one time and we gave it a shot, didn’t we?” Liam asked, angrily. “I was sat on the toilets all night. My arsehole was never the same, Zayn. Don’t give me that bullshit.”

I spit out my fry, choking and laughing all at once. Louis, Zayn, and Niall were laughing just as hard beside me and I tipped my head back when I felt tears at the corners of my eyes. The banter continued like that for the rest of dinner as we asked Zayn about all the dishes his mum sends him from time to time. It was good fun watching Liam wince every time he heard of a spicy dish.

After dinner, we decided to pop in a movie, but none of us were really watching. Louis brought out some weed and rolled up a joint or two, which we passed amongst ourselves, and we talked mostly.

“So, what’s with Harry and Liv?” Liam asked, looking at us. “Like, did anyone see that coming?”

“No,” Zayn shook his head. “Even Zoe was confused when she heard.”

“He told me,” I said. They all turned to look at me with confused frowns on their faces. “It’s not that serious. I don’t think so.”

“What do you mean?” Niall asked.

“I mean that I don’t think either of them seriously like each other. I think they’re testing out the waters. Or at least Harry is. Liv didn’t want to do it initially.”

I widened my eyes, surprised that I’d even said that out loud.

The weed was making me say a lot more than I’d intended to. I couldn’t help it, though. I really did think that they both were lacking feelings for each other in that sense and that this was just a test run for not only Liv, but Harry as well. He wouldn’t have even went for this had I not jokingly said it to him. He probably took it to heart and thought he had no other options, which wasn’t true. I bet if Harry tried he could get whichever girl he wanted. He didn’t have to resort to Liv even though she was gorgeous and amazing in every possible way. He just didn’t have to force himself to have romantic feelings for her when they were better off as friends.  

Zayn let out a soft laugh. “Harry tells you more than he tells us now, is that it?”

“Well, Liv is my roommate,” I told him. “He had me talk to her and I think that’s why I knew before you all.”

“Regardless, I find it a bit weird,” Louis piped up. “I literally do not see them together.”

“Same,” Liam agreed.

I shrugged, feeling like if I continued this conversation, it would make me a traitor. I agreed with them, was the thing. I didn’t see Harry and Liv together. I didn’t see them in a relationship and it had just felt so off watching them walk out of our flat together to their date a few hours ago. Harry had told me he would be taking Liv to get dinner and then a movie after if she wanted. I’d told him it was a great idea, but after seeing them actually go, I wasn’t so sure. And I felt like such a bad friend for even thinking this way because Harry had relied on me for this. I had been the one to first suggest it, and then helped it along by talking to Liv. Harry was so open and honest and nice, putting such faith in me. And Liv was my best friend and she hadn’t even been ready to accept it until I pushed her into it. Now I was feeling a bit uncomfortable for being in the middle of this and now second guessing it. Had I made a mistake?

It was why I bought all this food and came to distract myself at the boys’ flat. I knew they were all staying in and hanging out. I didn’t want to be alone at home, either, worrying about the situation with Harry and Liv.

However, I was feeling so guilty that in order to make the feeling go away, I decided to text Harry and ask him how the date was going. 



“Guys,” Niall laughed from where he was sat. He had his legs propped up on one of the couches with his MacBook on his lap. “Grimmy just sent me a link and I think it’s porn.”

“What?” Zayn asked, looking up from his own phone.

“Why is Grimmy sending you porn?” Louis asked, taking the last drag of his joint. “That’s a little weird. Are you guys into each other or something?”

“He doesn’t usually. This would be the first time. I want to click on it.”

“Niall,” Liam said sternly. “We have a lady in the room.”

Zayn and Louis started to crack up and I did, too. “It’s alright, Li,” I said patting him on the arm. “I’ve seen porn. I know the basics. Let’s all watch it.”

“Seriously?” Louis asked, looking up at me.

I shrugged.

“But you’re a girl,” Zayn said, looking awkward. “We can’t sit here and watch porn with you.”

“Oh my god,” Niall cried, laughing and ignoring the rest of us. “I opened it. It’s gay porn and the guy looks exactly like Liam.”

I had no idea who moved the fastest towards Niall, but the four of us somehow ended up tangled up on the small couch, trying to catch a glimpse of the video. When we did, we all let out a snort, while Liam gasped in horror. Niall turned up the volume and brightness to accommodate for all of us.

The guy in the video looked completely like Liam, right down to the hair cut and shape of his head as well as features. Even his body held a stark comparison. He was basically doing anal with whoever was lying face down on the bed. It seemed that they were on some terrace because it was dark out with some lamps lit up and the Liam doppelganger kept talking to the camera and smirking.

“Liam,” Louis said calmly. “I’m going to ask this once and once only. Is that you in the video or not?”

“Shut the fuck up, Lou,” Liam cried. “You know it’s not. What the fuck?”

“He could be your fucking twin, mate,” Zayn remarked, still captivated by the video, eyes not wavering from it.

“I realize that,” Liam replied, biting his lip worryingly. “I hope whoever watches this who knows me, knows that that’s not me.”

“What’s his name?” I asked, taking the laptop from Niall, and scrolling down to the video details. I let out a loud laugh when I found out. “His porn name is Painful Perfection.”

“Like your last name!” Niall laughed. “Payne-ful perfection, innit?”

“Oh, fuck me,” Liam grumbled, sliding down onto the ground.

“You’re doing the fucking, Li,” Louis notified him matter of factly.

“Can we find this guy?” Niall asked.

“No,” Liam said, getting up, and walking into the kitchen. “Absolutely not. We close this tab and never speak of it again.”

“Aw, don’t be sad, Li,” Louis said, calling after him. “Think of it this way. If any gay guy ever likes you, they can definitely watch this and try to live their fantasies out. How nice would that be?”

Liam flipped him off, coming back into the room with a water bottle in his hand. 

 



I went home a few hours later after having watched a few more videos of Painful Perfection with the boys while Liam grumbled about how sick and disgusting we all were. When I walked into my flat, I saw Liv already in her pajamas and sat at the dining room table, doing revision.

“Hi,” I smiled.

She looked up and smiled back warmly. “Hey, you. Was wondering when you’d get home. Have a good night?”

“Yeah,” I replied, toeing off my shoes and walking over to sit beside her. “I bought the boys burgers and chips, we had dinner, Louis rolled up a few joints, but the best part was the porn.”

Liv’s eyes widened and I laughed.

“We found Liam’s doppelganger and he’s a gay porn star named Painful Perfection,” I laughed. Liv broke out into hysterical laughter, her head falling back. “But we kept saying how Liam’s last name is Payne so more like Payne-ful perfection. Liam hated it.”

“Oh my god,” Liv panted out. “That’s brilliant. You have to show it to me.”

“I have the link bookmarked on my phone,” I said. “But enough about that. How was your date?”

Liv shrugged and smiled, politely. It was the smile she used when she didn’t have anything interesting to say and was only doing it to keep the other person in the conversation happy. “Good,” she said. “We ate at a lobster place and then went to get gelato.”

“No movie?” I asked.

“I opted out,” she said. “I’ve got an exam in a few days and had to do revision. He did, too.”

“Oh,” I said. “So, that’s it?”

She sighed and shrugged, slumping in her seat. “I wish there was more to say. We literally talked about class and the squad. Nothing flirty or romantic.”

I nodded my head, biting my lip, and not sure what to say.

“I’m going to go back to revision, so I’ll talk to you tomorrow?” she asked, smiling.

I nodded before getting up and heading to my bedroom to freshen up and maybe start on my own coursework. I stopped before doing all that just to check my phone and see if maybe Harry had something to say, but the last text on my thread was from whatever we’d said back when I was with the boys. I put my phone down and sat down on my bed, trying to figure out my thoughts.