Breathe

Waking up the next morning, I knew before I opened my eyes or took in my surroundings that I wouldn’t be in my room. I knew I wouldn’t be on my bed sleeping and I definitely knew that there would be someone beside me. I didn’t forget last night. I remembered it crystal clear, but it was coming to terms with the fact that it happened in my sober, morning haze that was the problem. That was always the problem. At night when you’re drunk or not completely conscious of what you’re doing, everything seems to be a good idea, but then you wake up, realize what you did and think well, fuck.

Sunlight peeked through Harry’s blinds on his bay window, waking me up while he was still softly snoring beside me. I looked at his soft features, eyelashes fanning over his cheeks and lips puffy with a light pink tint to them. His curls were unruly and covering most of his forehead as he slept over his arm, curled up. I closed my eyes and it was as though the few seconds of complete bliss one got after they woke up where absolutely nothing was on their mind were gone. It was gone so soon.

That was when my mind went into overdrive and utter panic.

A million different things were going through my mind as I played back everything that happened last night and instead of making me happy, it was filling my stomach with dread and anxiety.

Harry and I kissed. We didn’t just kiss, we hooked up and went beyond that. We were intimate and we saw each other naked, albeit partially, and it happened. I’d seen all the movies; I’d heard all the stories. It didn’t take a genius to figure out where this was going next. This was the part where everything got awkward and things turned to shit, slowly leading to a fall out in the friendship. And I didn’t want that. I didn’t want to stop being friends with Harry or talking to him or being with him. I wanted to continue everything and perhaps grow stronger.

It was strange because that was what led to us kissing in the first place. One minute we were talking about how we were each other’s best friends and the next we were snogging. Given that we were both drunk, I couldn’t help but wonder if I had come on too strong. So much so that Harry couldn’t say no. Had I been like all those girls who threw themselves at Harry just for a one time hook up? I didn’t want him to think that of me because it didn’t mean just that to me. I wouldn’t hook up with a friend, a good friend at that, just for one night to get rid of some pent up sexual frustration between us.

It wasn’t like me at all.

I knew that, but a big part of me just wondered if Harry did, too. From what I remembered, he seemed just as eager, but I could have been wrong for all I know. Maybe he got the wrong idea, but then again he did walk out of there and he chose to be with me instead of Rosie. We weren’t piss drunk, but we were definitely drunk. I wondered if all of that would have even happened had we been sober. Probably not. We wouldn’t risk that. We also hadn’t done a lot last night. It felt like we were eager to just get off because we were so turned on that it didn’t take much to get there.

I had no idea what to do and the more I laid there, the more my mind went into overdrive and jumped to ten different conclusions. I didn’t want to sneak out of bed, though, and leave in the shadiest way possible. It wasn’t like I could avoid Harry after this. We were in the same friends group and we’d have to hang out eventually. In the end after much thought, I still got up, even if it was just to go pee.

I looked around the room, trying to find my pants and I spotted them exactly where I threw them before I’d jerked Harry off and touched his dick.

Fuck.

I slipped them on and cringed at how filthy it felt. I wandered over to the bathroom and peed before looking at myself in the mirror, wondering if I looked as bad as I felt. I looked the same except Harry had left a decent sized love bite on my collarbones and I pressed on it softly, inspecting the purple bruise.

Just then, the door flew open and Niall walked in completely startling me as he grabbed a shampoo from the shower. I was frozen in my spot because he hadn’t said anything in his bleary, hungover morning state. I wondered if he even noticed I was there. However, as he was leaving he did a double take and dropped the shampoo to the ground in surprise.

“Jesus,” Niall muttered, looking at me from head to toe. His eyes widened and he almost looked amused. “You guys finally did it?”

“Niall,” I groaned because that would be all he had to say. I was suddenly very aware that I was in nothing but my knickers in front of Niall. This was so awkward.

“I’m sorry, but shit,” Niall replied, running a hand through his messy hair. “Wasn’t expecting you to still be here, to be honest. Harry doesn’t usually let the girls he sleeps with stay the night.”

For some reason, that gave me a sort of relief in the whole grand scheme of things. Harry didn’t kick me out like he kicked out all the other girls. He didn’t even make it seem like he wanted me to leave last night. It was almost like it was kind of expected that I’d go to bed with him and that would be that. We cuddled until we fell asleep, like it was so easy and we’d done it a million times before. So fucking strange.

But that still didn’t change anything and I was still panicking inside. All I wanted was to apparate like they did in Harry Potter just to get out of their flat and be in the safety of my own with Liv petting my hair and telling me that everything was going to be okay. I didn’t want to be here, standing half naked in the bathroom with Niall, while Harry slept in the other room and I would be expected to talk to him when he woke up even though I didn’t know what I would even say.

“What are you doing here?” I asked him, instead. He had a bathroom of his own in his room.

Niall pointed down at the shampoo he’d dropped and bent down to pick it up. “Harry’s shampoos are always the best. Figured he’d be passed out for a while so I could steal some before he noticed.”

I couldn’t help but laugh at that. It was true. Harry’s hair always smelled so nice and fresh and fruity. I sniffed whenever I hugged him, hoping he wouldn’t notice because that was a little weird. “I’m sure he’ll smell it off of you.”

“Probably,” Niall shrugged like he didn’t care. “What are you doing up so early if you two were busy last night?”

I blushed at the question and shrugged. “I had to pee.”

“Going to go back in?”

“Have to, don’t I?”

Niall smiled at me encouragingly and waved before walking out. I looked back at myself in the mirror again and freshened up, washing my face and brushing my teeth with my finger before walking back out to Harry’s room. This time he was awake and sitting up in bed, looking tired and puffy around the face. It was really cute even though I didn’t want to admit it.

He looked at me as I walked back in and smiled warmly, stirring something pleasant in my stomach. “Hey,” he said, voice rough from sleep. “Morning.”

“Morning,” I replied, almost shyly. I really had to compose myself, but I felt myself turning to butter, just standing there in front of him. He looked so at ease like he was fine, but I was turning into mush inside. A mush full of dread and anxiety.

“When did you get up?” he asked, stretching his arms out, his muscles clenching. My eyes slowly raked over his body and for a split second I let myself entertain the idea of getting back into bed and doing what we did last night.

I quickly squashed that thought and gulped before answering. “A while ago. Bumped into Niall accidentally in the bathroom. That was weird.”

“Couldn’t have been that much of an accident. He lives here,” Harry joked, leaning back against his headboard.

I chuckled nervously and nodded. “True. Should have thought of that and locked the door.”

Harry nodded, smile still on his face as he scratched the back of his neck and looked down at the bed awkwardly where my shorts were just lying there next to his jeans. I wanted to know what was going on in his mind, but I had no idea how to ask. I decided to just run before it got to that because I wasn’t sure if I was ready. He seemed to be in a good mood, though, which wasn’t bad at all. However, I needed to leave like ten minutes ago. This conversation could definitely wait.

“Um,” I cleared my throat. Harry looked up at me again. “I kind of told my mum I’d come back home for the remaining few days of hols. So, I kind of have to stop by my flat before I do.”

“Oh,” Harry said. “Yeah, sure. Do you, uh, need me to drop you off?”

“No,” I said much too quickly. “I think I’m going to walk.”

Harry frowned, halfway off the bed and on his knees. The covers had fallen off his body and he was just there. Sitting in his boxers and his body was so fit. I almost wanted to jump back in and touch him. Run my fingers over his soft skin and his tattoos. Kiss him really hard until he fell back and the few pieces of clothes we still had on were gone.

What the fuck was I thinking?

“You sure?” Harry asked, snapping me out of my filthy thoughts. “I don’t mind at all. I don’t really have anything planned till later on in the day.”

“I’m sure,” I told him, grabbing my jeans off the floor and pulling them on. Harry watched me, almost shamelessly, get dressed and then got up off the bed when I started walking to the door. Niall was back in his room and I could hear him singing “Uptown Funk” in his shower. Harry opened the front door and leaned against it as I slipped on my shoes.  

“So, I’ll see you around?” Harry asked me. “When school starts.”

“Yeah,” I smiled, unsure of what to do next.

Harry solved that for me by smiling and pulling me into a hug. I was relieved that that didn’t change. His hugs were always good and they gave me some peace in my mind knowing that this wasn’t all going to shit. I just had to keep acting like I wasn’t completely freaking out. I pulled away, giving him a smile and a wave before walking over to the elevator.



Liv and Layla were on the couch, eating cereal and talking when I walked in. The two of them looked up and comically widened their eyes. Liv’s face broke out into a grin and Layla tipped her head to the side, giving me a knowing look.

“Look who’s home,” she quipped. “Had a good night?”

“Shut up,” I groaned, walking into my room and grabbing the first set of clean clothes I could find. I ignored the two of them as they talked in hushed tones about me when I walked towards the bathroom. It was so pathetic and obvious how they quieted down as soon as they saw me.

After a nice, hot shower I felt a bit better and walked back out into the living room with a towel wrapped around my head. Liv and Layla stared at me warily, both looking well slept and hangover free, which surprised and annoyed me because I wished I was in their shoes.

“Why are you in such a bad mood?” Liv asked, breaking the silence.

“I’m not in a bad mood,” I replied even though she was sort of right in assuming. “I’m stressed is all.”

“Why are you stressed, B?” she asked casually, even though I knew she was dying to ask directly.

I knew they were acting stupid so I wouldn’t get mad at them. It was obvious from the moment I saw their faces when I walked in that they knew exactly where I came from. If anything, Niall might have tipped them off, too, while I was doing the walk of shame from their flat to mine.

“Something happened,” I said slowly, fiddling with the strings on my joggers. They waited patiently for me to continue, but I couldn’t even spit it out. “Harry and I left the rave together and something happened.”

“Really?” Liv asked, trying her best to act surprised.

I shot her a look and she tried to muffle her laughter. “Yeah. We hooked up.”

“Like you made out?” Layla asked, trying to go for details.

I nodded. “And more.”

“Like what else did you do?” Liv strangled out, trying so hard not to laugh out loud. It was so annoying because I was starting to smile, too. Here I had walked in so serious and ready to cry, but these fucking bitches were making me laugh, like it was funny. It was not funny. It was bad.

I shrugged, smiling despite myself. “We got each other off and stuff.”

Layla and Liv both burst out laughing, giggling into their hands and it was so immature, so I gave them both unamused smirks as they tried calming down.

Layla was the first to pull herself together before turning to me. “Alright, so what then?”

“We fell asleep,” I explained. “We were drunk and we had kissed outside and then just took a cab home. Then we did stuff. And then we fell asleep.”

“So why are you sulking?” Liv asked. “This is good. We all saw you two walk out and we had bets going on whether you two would pull your shit together and finally get together.”

“You did what?” I yelled. That’s so rude and intruding. What the fuck did they mean finally get together?

“Had bets amongst ourselves on whether or not you and Harry would hook up and I won,” Liv grinned. “But, yeah. Why are you upset? Was he rude or something?”

“No,” I shook my head quickly. “God, no. He was amazing as always. He was nice when he woke up, really normal. It’s me that’s panicking. I’m worried everything’s going to be ruined because of this.”

“What?” Liv asked, frowning. “Why would you think that? Why would everything be ruined?”

“Liv, we crossed a boundary in our friendship,” I explained. “What if he gets weird about it now? Like, what if he doesn’t want to be friends anymore?”

“What if he does want to be friends?” Liv suggested. “Or more.”

“He doesn’t want more,” I replied. “He’s been getting laid left and right. You think he’s going to want to just give that up so soon? I doubt it. I probably threw myself at him last night and he couldn’t say no, so we did it and now I don’t know where we stand. I don’t want things to be awkward. I don’t want him to be weird with me. I want things to go back to normal.”

The two of them stared at me, shell shocked, as I panted from talking so much, so fast. I gulped down a sob because I didn’t want to cry, but I felt close to it. I’d fucked everything up.

“Blair,” Layla said slowly. “Do you have feelings for Harry?”

“What kind of feelings?” I asked her, almost harshly. I felt on edge and completely stupid. I figured if I came home then things would feel okay, but I felt even worse because now I wasn’t with Harry and I didn’t know when I’d see him again or what would happen.

“Do you like him?” she asked, clearly. “Like do you like him as more than a friend?”

“No,” I snapped. “Harry and I don’t have feelings for each other. We’re best mates and we did something stupid and I’m fucking afraid we’re going to lose that. It’s all going to shit now.”

“Blair, you don’t know that,” Liv said. “Harry isn’t the type of guy to do something like that.”

“How do you know for sure?” I asked. “He could be. He could be telling Niall right now about he doesn’t want to be friends with me anymore.”

“Yeah, but you didn’t tie Harry down and make him hook up with you, did you?” Liv asked sarcastically.

I shook my head. “No, I didn’t.”

“He kissed you first?”

I’m going to kiss you now, Harry had said, right before he did and I couldn’t think clearly anymore. “Yeah,” I replied back, the memory so fresh and so clear like I could still feel his lips on mine even though it had been hours.

“Then it’s on him just as much as it is on you. Don’t worry about it, okay? Do you want to do something else?” Layla asked. “We could go out.”

I shook my head and smiled meekly. “I think I’m going back home. I’ll come back again in a week before classes start.”

“You sure?” Layla asked, looking concerned. “We could go shopping or to the cinema. And then I’ll make your favorite for dinner. Chicken with mashed potatoes and that gravy you like.”

“I can’t,” I replied, regretfully. “I told Mum I’d be home again. Plus, I think I need time to just get away to clear my head. I can’t be here, right now.”

Liv and Layla still looked reluctant, but agreed. I grabbed my bags and things before heading out to get a cab back home. The entire drive home I alternated between listening to all the Taylor Swift songs where she sang about kissing in the rain and then got guilty and switched to some Drake.



Another week at home and left with nothing but my own thoughts, I realized that maybe things weren’t as dramatic as I was making them out to be. It was okay that initially I’d panicked and reacted the way I did because who wouldn’t, but after thinking about it, I realized that it didn’t have to be that bad.

Yeah, so Harry and I hooked up. Friends hook up sometimes if they got drunk, which was what happened. It was even more expected because we were close and comfortable with each other enough to not question it when it was happening. It wasn’t as melodramatic as I was making it out to be. It wasn’t a smart decision, but it happened and it can’t be changed, and now it just had to be looked over.

That was the only reasonable option that came to mind when I thought about it. To just forget it ever happened and move on from the whole situation. Harry and I weren’t into each other romantically, obviously, so there was no need for me to discuss anything unless he brought it up. I was going to be mum on my end until then and go on with my life like it never happened.

Since leaving his flat New Year's Day, Harry and I hadn’t necessarily spoken. We snapped each other a few times but other than that it was radio silence. Except for that one night when he randomly texted me an octopus emoji. I saw some snap stories from the boys and him and realized they were out drinking and he was probably drunk. So, I texted him back with a frog emoji and we went back and forth like that for a few hours. That was about it.

It wasn’t until after I went back to school that I actually saw Harry. I was walking out of class and heading over to the canteen to grab something to eat before going to the library to start working on some course work when I noticed Harry walking by as well. I slowed down and smiled, walking over. He looked up when he saw me approaching and grinned.  

“Hey,” he said, turning to stop in front of me.

“Hi,” I replied, awkwardly waving. “Going to class?”

“I’m on my way,” he said, running a hand through his hair. It looked a bit damp like he’d just taken a shower and didn’t let it properly dry before coming out. I wondered how cold he was. “A bit early, though. I have some time. Where are you headed?”

“I was going to the canteen to get something to eat.”

“Oh, I’ll walk you that way, then. My building’s next to it.”

“Okay,” I smiled. We both started heading in the same direction and there was a lull in the conversation, just the pitter-patter of our feet over the snow on the ground. I decided it shouldn’t be like this if what we did was going to be forgotten, so I turned to look at him only to see he was turning to do the same.

We both laughed nervously, looking straight ahead again. Harry cleared his throat and ran his fingers through his hair again. “Did you have a good break at home?” he asked. “When you went back again?”

I nodded, enthusiastically. “Spent more time with my sister and her fiance. My parents are re-doing our basement, so I helped with that a bit, too. I painted an entire wall!”

“Wow,” Harry said, eyes widening and looking much too thrilled about an accomplishment that really wasn’t that big of a deal, except he knew it was for me. “That’s amazing. Bet you did so well.”

“It was hands down the best wall painted,” I shrugged, trying to play it cool.

Harry laughed at that, shaking his head down at the ground as he shoved his hands in his pockets. It was quiet for a bit again and then Harry cleared his throat for the second time. “Are we not going to talk about it?”

I looked at him, eyes wide and surprised at the sudden topic change. I didn’t expect to be discussing this while at school and walking to the canteen. He seemed at ease, for the most part, still staring down at the ground even though he just threw me in a frenzy again. Why did he keep doing that?  

“Um,” I mumbled, voice soft and quiet. “I guess we could.”

“Alright,” he said. “We hooked up.”

“We did,” I agreed.

“What now?”

I pursed my lips and looked back at him. He was looking at me this time, his expression unreadable. Why was he asking me? Why couldn’t he just decide for himself or tell me what he’d been thinking the morning after? Why was I being put on the spot?

“Um,” I began ineloquently because since he did ask me, I had no choice. “I think we should forget it happened. I’ve thought about it and I think our friendship is more important than letting it get ruined by some one night thing, don’t you? Like, we don’t have to talk about it or anything. I think we should just forget it.”

Harry slowly nodded. “So, you want to forget it ever happened?”

“Yeah,” I said. “Don’t you?”

He didn’t say anything and soon enough we were in front of the canteen. I turned to face him, crossing my arms and looking at him, still waiting for an answer. He wasn’t getting away with this. If I was going to be questioned then so was he. Harry looked up at me and smiled softly. “If that’s what you want, then yeah, let’s forget it. I don’t want it to ruin our friendship, either.”

I smiled at him then, feeling completely relieved. It had been bothering me since the moment it happened and Harry confirming what I said just made things a lot lighter in my mind. This meant we were on the same page and we could go back to normal. This was exactly what I’d wanted. “Yeah, so we’re good, right?”

“Yeah, of course we are,” he grinned. “Come here. I’ve got to head to class, so give me a hug.”

I giggled, wrapping my arms around his neck and hugging him. Harry wrapped his arms around my back and held me tightly. When a whole minute had passed, I laughed, but didn’t let go. “You going to let me go soon?”

“Yeah, in another minute. I’m not done,” Harry murmured. I laughed again when I felt him press a kiss to my cheek. Once again, it felt like things were going to be just fine.



For Layla’s twenty-second, we decided to throw a party at our flat since Layla couldn’t have parties in her dorm suite. It was planned last minute and it sent Liv and I into frenzy. We didn’t normally throw parties at our flat, so we didn’t know what to set up or put away. Thanks to the boys, who are always throwing parties, we figured everything out when they agreed to help us.

Niall, Louis and Zoe headed over to the market to pick up food and booze. Liam, Liv and Layla set up a few decorations, which really consisted of a sloppy Happy Birthday Layla in cut out construction paper and some confetti thrown around with balloons, while Zayn made a mix to play on the speakers connected to his laptop. Harry and I were put in charge of making a cake, but we ended up making a mess more than actually working. It was Harry’s fault for the most part. He thought he’d be cute and put some frosting on my face as though I was edible.

“You look pretty edible to me,” he shrugged, smirking as he went back to icing the cake.

I tried to pretend my heart didn’t do a little flip at that and cleaned the frosting off my nose and then wiping the counter down to clean up. I wondered if his lips tasted as sweet as the frosting and cake batter he kept sucking off of his fingers. I kind of wanted to try and check it out myself, but then I scowled and realized how stupid of an idea that was.

By the time we were done, it was time for all of us to get dressed for the party. The boys brought their clothes along with them and just changed in our rooms. When I stepped out in my red mini dress, Harry looked up from his seat on the couch armrest and laughed. “We’re matching,” he said, pointing down to his red jumper.

“You copied me,” I teased, walking over to him and poking him hard on the chest.

Harry grabbed my finger and it seemed to be a thing for us now. I hoped it never stopped being a thing because it always made me feel stupidly happy whenever we did it. He smiled, his eyes shamelessly checking me out one more time before turning my body around and sitting me down on his lap. “Great minds just think alike,” he replied. “You look good. I like red lips on you. You should do it more often.”

I turned to look at him and hoped to God I wasn’t blushing because that would be so counterproductive. “Thanks. You do, too,” I replied casually. “Is this new?”

He nodded. “Gemma got it for me.”

“You should wear red more often, too,” I mused, feeling too comfortable on his lap.

Harry smirked. “Are you checking me out, Gallagher?”

I laughed with him, shaking my head as he held me tighter so I wouldn’t fall off. I looked over Harry’s shoulder to see Louis and Zayn sitting on the couch, already dressed and browsing on their phones. They were both smirking and shaking their heads at each other and I felt a bit embarrassed.

I knew that everyone in our group knew Harry and I had hooked up. Liv had a big mouth. Niall walked in on me in my knickers. And Harry must have told them just like I told my friends, so obviously the rest would eventually find out. What did they think of Harry and I? Were they surprised or did they think we were weird for hooking up and still being so comfortable with each other? I wouldn’t know unless one of them actually said something to me, which they haven’t. Except for Zoe, who only nodded along as I told her and didn’t have much to say. I had a feeling that was only because she knew from before because Zayn probably told her and her initial reaction had passed.

I tried not to dwell on it and just shrugged off my thoughts again.

The party eventually started and guests started pouring in. By midnight our flat was full of the boys from Theta Chi, a bunch of Layla’s friends from London Met and a few people I’d never even met. For the most part, I nursed the same beer and made sure everyone else was having a good time. It was stressful to have a party while trying to also be a good host.

Layla was trashed, on the other hand, taking shot after shot and dancing to every song that was playing. Niall was enjoying this side of her, talking and dancing with her all night, taking advantage of the fact that she seemed to be a lot less guarded. It was good to see her enjoy, even though when it came time to cut the cake, she smushed most of it on everyone’s face. Harry and I visibly winced, watching our hard work go into someone’s face instead of their mouths. He simply looked at me and shrugged, solemnly. I understood.

The two of us hadn’t really interacted much during the party. Every time I looked over, he had some girl trying to talk to him. Most of them were Layla’s mates and while they all seemed nice when I met them, I still couldn’t help but feel annoyed. Why were they talking to him of all the guys from the party? Every boy here was attractive and fun and great to talk to, so why go to Harry? I couldn’t even tell if he was into them or not and for some reason, that meant a lot to me. It made some sort of difference and I wished I knew why.

A while later, I was sitting out in the balcony with a new drink while Ed and Liv chatted beside me. I would have been into the conversation, too, but another girl had just made herself comfortable on Harry’s lap.

Honestly, who did that?

I knew I did that just a few hours ago, but only after he pulled me down. He didn’t even invite her over. She literally did it herself, like it was okay, which it really wasn’t. It was so stupid and gross.

Liv might have been noticing because she casually slung her arm around me and I looked over. “You okay?” she asked, giving me a meaningful stare.

“Of course,” I lied. “I’m fine.”

She bought it for the time being and turned back to Ed. The two continued to talk and I continued to glare daggers at Harry and that girl. Harry had his hand on the small of her back and was actually looking interested at this point. It all made me feel so stupid.

I could continue to pretend that I was forgetting everything that happened, but I wasn’t. My mind was suddenly filled with memories from the night we hooked up. Memories of me kissing him back and being so eager to go back home with him. Being so desperate to come undone from his fingers and then literally humping his thigh till I came for the second time. The fact that it took five days for the love bite he left on me to fade. I felt embarrassed about the fact that he saw me like that and it was just always going to be there no matter how many times I told myself to forget it.