Breathe

There was nothing like waking up after drinking your weight in alcohol the night before.

My head was pounding and my mouth and throat were parched as fuck. It felt like a train had hit me. I groaned out loud, rolling onto my side. What happened? Why did I think this was going to be a good idea? I tried to remember something from the night before, but trying to retain any recollection of what happened last night was difficult as well. It made my head hurt and everything felt so distant and fuzzy that I didn’t even want to bother. I, instead, felt around my bed for my phone and unlocked it. When I saw I had a few new texts, I clicked on my messages app and scanned my new threads until it landed on Harry’s name.

The time listed since the last text was 4:19 AM the night before and I didn’t know if that was good or bad. Drunk texting was never something I usually did, but apparently I did it last night. I opened the thread, curiously, and let out an audible gasp when I saw the content.

I literally told Harry I wanted to kiss him last night. I actually said it to him and he actually replied back saying he would kiss me back. What kind of fucking shit? I couldn’t tell if I should be thrilled or mortified.

I dropped my phone on my bed rather dramatically, not bothering to reply back to any other texts and instead groaned out loud again, like I was in excruciating pain, which I was, but it was much more exaggerated than that. What had I done? How did I recover from this? The texts with Harry had ended there and I presumed it was because I had passed out.

After five minutes of making weird animal like noises, Liv walked into my room and gave me a look. I must have been louder than I thought.

“You okay?” she asked warily.

I looked up at her from under my covers. “I’m a dumb arse.”

“Are you hungover?” she snorted.

“That and I’m a dumb arse,” I told her flatly.

Liv frowned at me with a confused expression and walked back out towards her bedroom again. Some friend she was. She probably wrote this off as me being overly dramatic and hungover as usual. Liv knew better than to indulge me when I was being ridiculous unless it was really needed. But this was needed.

I lied there in silence, staring at my phone like it was the devil or something, before grabbing it again and looking at the thread of messages. How did I even think it would be a good idea to text that? How was I supposed to face Harry now? What would we do? However, the more I looked at the text, the more Harry’s words started to sink in.

Then you should kiss me because I won’t stop you.

It was bold and it was different than what we usually said to each other. Yeah, we flirted, but it never went as far as bluntly saying what we wanted to do. It was never this much, but it wasn’t bad. This situation was oddly exhilarating and I liked it. Maybe this wasn’t as bad as I first thought. I should just let it go for now and wait it out to see if Harry said anything.

After fucking around on my phone a bit more, finally writing back to everyone and catching up on my social media, I got out of bed and freshened up. I desperately needed to shower and brush my teeth after all the shit I did last night. Once done, I walked back to my room and looked through the pile of clothes on my chair. I found a white t-shirt and picked it up, wondering whether or not it was clean. I bit my lip, bringing it up to my nose to smell it only to be assaulted by Harry’s smell. Coming from my shirt.

I must have worn it when I saw him or something because his smell was lingering on it and just sniffing it made my heartbeat speed up. And that’s so fucking weird. Why would smelling his scent make my heartbeat race? What did that even mean? What did anything with Harry mean?

Surely, it couldn’t mean that I had feelings for Harry.

Like, that was a bizarre thought.

However, the more I sat there on my floor completely stark naked, clutching that stupid Harry-scented shirt, I started to realize that I did have feelings for him and I’d had them for a while. They’d been there before we kissed each other, before we started to flirt and before things got to this point. I just couldn’t pinpoint when and I wondered how fucked up that was. Harry and I had become best friends over the past few months and somewhere along the line, I developed romantic feelings for him.

Fuck.

Shit fucking fuck.

I knew deep down that it wasn’t a small crush either. His simple smell was making my heart race and palms sweat, for Christ’s sake. Even when he touched me, whether it was his wonderful, addictive hugs or something as small as the touch of a hand, it started something up in me. Harry made me feel more alive than I’d felt in a long time and I wondered when I came to this point of falling so hard yet so slowly for him that I didn’t even notice or realize until now. I was so blind and so oblivious to everything that was happening not just around me, but within me, that I’d completely missed the big sign right in front of me.

The one that all my friends saw before I had. The one that I’d tried so hard to shut down and ignore. It was now glaring me in the face and I had no way of avoiding it anymore. In fact, just accepting the truth that I had feelings for Harry was enough to make me like him more, somehow. I was so completely fucked.



Liv had left to go to the library for the entire day to revise for an upcoming exam, so I was home alone to fester over my newfound feelings for Harry. Which weren’t really that new at all, the more I thought about it. It was anything but new because I was a dumb arse. A complete dumb arse who had missed so many things because she was so busy trying to ignore her God damn feelings.

And it was just shit because I didn’t know where to go from here. What did I do? Did I tell him? Did I want to tell him? I had no fucking idea because what happened after that? Harry flirted with me, but guys flirt with girls all the time, especially their friends. If that wasn’t the case, then Liam and Liv would have been in a relationship by now because they flirted all the time. It was like second nature to boys and I didn’t want to be one of those people who read into things too much.

I wanted to be calm and rational about this and not make any sudden decisions that I’d regret. Because what if Harry did not feel the same and I made things awkward by telling him I liked him? That would ruin everything that I’d try to rebuild after we hooked up. However, that only went so far because look where it got us now. He was hitting on me left and right and I was feeling it so hard that it led me to this. Sitting in my flat while having a nervous breakdown because I realized I had fallen for my best friend.

When Liv finally got home, I looked at her with wild eyes, my nails bitten down painfully short.. Liv frowned at me as she closed the door and toed off her shoes. “Fuck, you okay? You look like a crazy woman.”

“I feel crazy, Liv,” I replied, watching as she made her way over to the living room where I was sat. She placed a bag of what smelled like Chinese food on the table and took off her coat before settling down.

“What’s going on? Why are you crazy?” she asked, while taking out the food. I was rather happy about that because I was starving. All this thinking today made me forget to eat. This whole thing was a danger to my health. I was going to die.

“I realized some things after last night,” I replied slowly.

“Like what? Come on. Out with it,” she urged, her eyes focusing on getting our dinner together.

“Remember when I told you I’m a dumb arse this morning?” I asked her.

“Yeah,” she nodded, handing over a packet of food to me with a fork. I took it from her before opening it and salivating at the beef lo mein. It smelled and looked heavenly to me. I quickly took a bite before looking up at her.

“Well, I did something super dumb last night,” I replied, while chewing.

“Obviously. What did you do?”

“I drunk texted Harry that I wanted to kiss him,” I said as calmly as I could.

Liv snorted, fried prawn in her mouth. “Again?” she asked.

“What do you mean again?” I asked with a frown. “I never drunk texted him that before.”

“No, I meant that you want to kiss him again,” she said. “Because didn’t you kiss last night? Everyone saw.”

I frowned at her momentarily in confusion like she was crazy before my memory started to come back. My eyes slowly widened and my mouth dropped.

Fuck.

In the midst of my hangover from drinking too much last night, to panicking over my drunk texts and then realizing I liked Harry, I had completely forgotten that we’d kissed, too. Quite heatedly, might I add. Louis had dared Harry to kiss the prettiest girl in the room. I had run out because I got irrationally jealous and he still sought me out and laid one nice, big kiss on me. One that I returned just as eagerly with my hands in his wonderful, curly hair. Our friends were catcalling us the entire time and when we pulled apart, Harry had grinned at me stupidly before walking back to the others.

Then shortly after while guests started coming in and the party got started, I had sat on the kitchen counter getting drunk while Harry talked to some girl. That was when it started going downhill. I didn’t remember how it got to that point, but after I kissed Harry, I just knew I needed to get drunk. I should have known that if I left Harry alone for too long then he’d have some leechy girl on him. It had happened before and warranted the same reaction from me. One of jealousy and bitterness, which wasn’t fair because I had been the one who told him to do all that.  

I just couldn’t believe I forgot that happened because the kiss was amazing. I wanted to relive it over and over again. Preferably alone with less clothes on, if we could.

“So, what now?” Liv asked after I zoned out for a few moments.

I looked down at my food, still hungry, yet not able to eat. “He texted back saying I should kiss him because he wouldn’t stop me.”

“What the fuck?” Liv laughed, shoveling fried rice in her mouth, quite unattractively. “That’s kind of hot. Did you talk to him after?”

“No,” I shook my head, twirling lo mein with my fork. “I passed out and then woke up, freaking out and I’ve been freaking out ever since because I like him Liv. Like genuinely, seriously, fucking like him.”

“I’ve known that for a while,” she said rather calmly. “Even Layla has, but we figured we’d let you figure it out on your own since you never got our hints.”

“You should have told me,” I practically yelled. “I didn’t want to wake up with a hangover one day and realize that I have a stupid crush on my best mate. It’s not an ideal wake up call, to be honest. It’s fucked up.”

“I did try,” Liv said to me. “You always got weirdly defensive and yelled at me.”

“Well, I was in denial, duh.” I said matter of factly. “I haven’t felt like this in a long time, Liv. I don’t know what to do. What is the next step?”

She finished chewing before answering. “Well, for one, you could relax because it’s not the end of the world. Secondly, what do you want to do?”

“I don’t know, really. I want to kiss him. I know that. I want to get naked with him and do stuff, too.”

“So, this is more than just a small crush. You wanna have sex with him, too.”

“Obviously. Have you seen him, Liv? He’s fucking tall and handsome as hell and I want to run my hands through his stupid curls and kiss the living shit out of him.”

“Nice,” she grinned with a nod of her head. “What’s stopping you then?”

“When we first hooked up, I’d told him to forget everything that happened between us because I didn’t want it to change anything. He agreed and went on doing what he was doing, which is flirting with other girls and hooking up, but things did change. We flirt so much more, now, and I’m like constantly turned on by everything he says to me. It’s a lot. Like, we hang out at these parties and get drunk or high and just say things to each other, which we know we wouldn’t in the morning while sober.”

“Really?” Liv asked, raising an eyebrow.

I nodded my head. “For a long time, while we did it, I really liked it. Mostly because it made me feel something...something I hadn’t felt in a long time and it was so good. He makes me feel so good all the time. And I think we just use the lateness or how drunk we are as an excuse to say such things to each other because we know we could get away with it. At least, I do.”

“Blair,” Liv cooed, putting down her fork to look at me in a fond way. “You’ll be fine. Like, it’s okay. Don’t freak out and just take this one day at a time. I’m sure he feels the same way.”

“I don’t know...maybe. Like, wouldn’t it be so hypocritical? The fact that he was trying to seriously date girls and find the one and I pushed him to start becoming this player, only to get fucking jealous over and over every time he hooked up with another girl.”

“You were jealous?” she asked.

“I was,” I laughed, humorlessly. “Like, fuck. I thought back to every time he talked about another girl or hooked up with them and I was so fucking jealous, but I kept ignoring it. And now I like him. Like, I seriously like him. I’m such a hypocrite.”

“You’re not,” Liv insisted. “You just...gave some really bad advice.”

“My advice was good,” I said, defending myself rather quickly. “However, my timing was very off and I didn’t know I was going to want him.”

“It all comes down to that, really. Timing is everything because things just happen how they’re meant to. And you can’t do anything about it, babe. Just have to go with the flow.”

“You’re so smart,” I pouted. “And I am so sad.”

“Well, don’t be sad,” she insisted. “Cheer up because we’re planning a big party for Harry’s twenty-second.”

My eyebrows quirked up and I looked at her with a questioning expression. “Really?”

“Yeah,” she said. “I had lunch with Louis and Niall today and they told me that they’re planning a huge bash for Harry at this club nearby. We’re all going.”

“That sounds fun,” I smiled. “Harry’ll be so happy. I want him to be happy, Liv.”

“Yeah,” she smiled sweetly. “You also want to fuck him into the next century.”

I gasped, staring at her and looking taken aback, but then realized she was right. Liv smirked victoriously as I nodded slowly in response before shoving lo mein into my mouth.



I was drunk. Again.

Except this time, I wasn’t hiding from Harry -- I was with him. We were at the frat house for the party that weekend and it wasn’t until the two of us had a few drinks that we started to get handsy past the just platonic hugs. I’d seen him a few times since last weekend and it had been normal. He’d acted like we’d never texted each other, albeit with a few heated looks and flirty touches thrown in regardless. We were fine and I’d calmed down a bit more because it wasn’t as bad or dramatic as I was making it out to be. If Harry was going to be cool about it, then so was I.

Tonight, we were pressed up against each other on a couch, drunk out of our minds and unable to stop touching one another. Harry had an arm slung around my waist, his face in the crook of my neck while my fingers ran through his hair and held on to his back to keep him in place.

“You’re tickling me,” I mumbled to him as his breath fanned against my skin, making the area warm. He blew on the spot, making me giggle a little and squirm under him.

“I’m so drunk,” he laughed. “Shit, Blair.”

“Me, too,” I said to him. I gave up on trying to get him to stop tickling me because he seemed rather comfortable and happy where he was, so I didn’t mind as much. He was a bit heavy, but nothing I couldn’t handle. And if the fact that a few girls who clearly wanted to talk to Harry walked by or looked at us with envious glares had anything to do with it, then no one had to know. It made me feel good in a sick way that he was here with me and not with them. I wasn’t about to give that up.

“I’m happy you’re here,” he said, looking at me with dark, green eyes. “You not coming to parties sucks. I always miss you.”

“You didn’t miss me last week when you were talking to that girl,” I said before my brain could process the underlying meaning behind my words. Fuck.

Harry looked at me for a long moment, eyes fond and a bit intense. “She didn’t mean anything to me,” he whispered. “You do, though. You’re my best friend.”

He smiled at me again and tilted his head to the side before kissing my neck. My eyes fluttered closed instinctively and I didn’t know what to focus on more. The fact that Harry was kissing my neck after whispering that I was his best friend or the fact that we were doing this in plain sight at a frat party.

I didn’t get a chance to decide because then Harry’s tongue darted out, swiping over the skin he kissed before his lips puckered and he sucked on it. I let out a soft, quiet whimper, my hands coming to rest up on his shoulders to hold myself steady. Harry continued to suck on the skin, occasionally kissing over it and then he bit down on it hard, causing me to let out a soft gasp. I couldn’t even bear to open my eyes and see whether or not anyone was watching because I just needed him to continue. I didn’t want him to stop at all.

Harry’s hand that was draped over my waist, gripped onto my hips in a bruising manner, but even that wasn’t enough to drown out how good his mouth felt on my skin. However, he stopped at some point and I felt cold without his lips on me. I wanted more and my eyes shot open, looking at him wildly. Harry looked back at me, eyes dark and dazed. I was sure he had left a big, dark mark because my neck was throbbing. I didn’t care one bit.

“Want you so bad,” he whispered, his voice hoarse and low.

My lips parted, letting out the breath I was holding in before gulping. He was staring intently at my lips and I wondered when we got here. How we got from being just friends to getting drunk and whispering things to each other that we wouldn’t say if we were sober.

“Harry,” Liam called.

The two of us jumped up, startled and more aware of our surroundings. Harry lifted himself off of me and turned to his friends, all of whom were gesturing for him to come over to them. He ran a hand through his hair and looked at me briefly before actually adjusting his crotch and then walking over to Liam and the rest of our friends.

I gaped at him for a long time and sat there with my hands sitting uselessly on my lap and a mark on the side of my neck that was as big as a golf ball.



I managed to walk home with Liv two hours later. After Harry had left me on the couch, I hadn’t seen much of him except for fleeting glimpses. He was too busy talking to one of the boys or playing some game. I didn’t mind, though. I was completely out of it and at least twenty people had asked where I got my love bite. And all I could do was stare at them, blankly, because my mind could still not wrap around what happened.

When we got home, Liv passed out on the couch from exhaustion. I contemplated trying to get her to go to bed, but I was too tired myself. So, I put a blanket over her and took off her heels before going to my room. I slowly took my clothes off before crawling into my bed, naked.

I lied awake for a few moments, staring at my ceiling and trying not to touch the mark Harry left. I wanted to. I also wanted to stop thinking about him so much because it made my heart simultaneously feel like it was going to burst and hurt from feeling too much. Having a crush was both exhilarating and terrifying.

And then as if he could read my mind, Harry texted me, making my phone vibrate next to me. I smiled, unlocking it to reply.



My fingers froze over my phone, my body feeling hot and flushed at the image of Harry’s words. It was a lot and it was things that we’d never said to each other, but it seemed that that was the case these days. We crossed lines everyday and at the end of the day, only one thing was clear: two people have never wanted to fuck each other this bad.