Breathe

I literally flung myself off my bed, running out of my room and to the front door, flinging it open to see Harry walking up the last few steps. He paused at the landing, giving me a small, tentative smile and I quickly closed the distance between us, running into his arms. Harry caught me easily, pulling me close into a hug, but for some reason it didn’t feel close enough. I wanted to let myself get completely consumed by him as impossible as that was. My arms, which were wrapped around his neck, were tight in comparison to how gently he was holding me with his own arms looped around my waist. I felt desperate and needy, relieved to see Harry and have him after last night, so much so it almost felt like a dream.

We hugged contently and I could feel tears forming in my eyes already. It was just dreadful how much I missed Harry, even though it had only been one day. We’d been apart for longer times than that before and I’d never reacted quite like this. I supposed it was only because we’d fought and with everything that had happened, it only made me miss him more. Harry nudged me gently, prodding me to look up at him. When I did, he gave me another smile, which I could only interpret as him saying that it was okay and that I had nothing to be upset over. We were okay.

If he only knew.

I surged forward, claiming his lips with mine. It must have caught Harry by surprise because he was still for a moment or two before following through. He kissed me back fervently, like he was hungry for it the entire time we were apart, sliding his tongue into my mouth. And while his hands sought out to grab onto my bum, I pulled myself up, wrapping my legs around his waist until he got the message and picked me up off the floor.

It might not have been ideal to be snogging in the middle of the hallway at three in the morning, but it seemed the two of us didn’t care. Harry held me up with no intention of breaking the kiss whatsoever. It wasn’t until someone actually walked up the stairs in their drunken stupor and moved past us to get to their flat that I drew back, panting heavily with my head spinning.

“Let’s go inside,” Harry said to me, giving me a soft peck on my left cheek where my dimple was. I nodded, half expecting him to put me down, but he didn’t. Harry carried me inside, locking the door behind him and leading me into my bedroom.

The clock read 3:19 AM and everything felt almost too quiet. That had never been a bad thing because over the past few months, Harry and I’d come to appreciate the quiet that came after midnight. Silence never bothered us, which was why we enjoyed coffee late at night or driving to random places when the sky was dark and there wasn’t a single soul on the street. However, right now, it almost felt suffocating to me. I felt antsy and so out of my skin that I didn’t know what to do with myself. Everything was making me feel on edge and everything that had happened in the past twenty four hours kept coming back to me in flashes.

Harry closed the door behind him quietly so as to not wake up Liv. He had toed off his shoes by the door, managing to get his socks off as well while carrying me and padded over to the bed and set me down gently. I couldn’t tear my eyes off him, wondering if anything had changed because it felt like it did. I mean, looking at Harry, he looked the same. His curls were a bit springier, I assumed because he took a shower right before he came. Harry was wearing his faded black Ramones shirt that he liked to wear to bed over joggers and everything looked the same. Since yesterday, though, it felt like it wasn’t. It felt like so much was different and I knew why, but I didn’t want to pinpoint it.

I didn’t want to think about it at all even though it was all that was on my mind.

“We need to talk, yeah?” Harry asked, settling down on the bed beside me, pulling his feet up.

I slowly nodded my head again, still unable to properly say something to him. Harry noticed, I could tell with the curious way he was looking at me, but didn’t say anything about it. Instead, he laced his fingers with mine, pulling me closer until I was practically sitting on his lap. The close proximity was calming, but it only made me sadder because up close Harry’s expression was soft and open and honest, something I felt I wasn’t anymore.

“You’re okay, right?” Harry asked, his eyes searching mine as he tangled his fingers with my other hand. “You look tired.”

I let out a shaky laugh before finally saying something. “A little bit, yeah. Haven’t slept much and I’m also hungover.”

“You went out?”

“Yeah,” I replied, my voice quiet. “Dylan’s sorority had a day drinking event and she and Liv told me to come to get my mind off of things.”

“I’m glad you went,” Harry said with a small smile before fixing it to one more serious. “I’m so sorry about everything that went down since yesterday. I have no idea how it escalated like that. We could have worked it out sooner, but we kept missing each other. Regardless, I want to tell you that I thought a lot about it and I’ll -- I won’t talk to Stella anymore.”

“You won’t?” I asked him, surprised by his sudden change of mind.

Harry shook his head, looking me right in the eyes. “What’s the point if it’s upsetting you? I mean, I still sort of stand by what I said. I can avoid her, but on the off chance she approaches me, I have to be civil and try to hopefully get out of the conversation as best as I can. Will be hard though considering she’s in my classes and comes to our parties, but I’ll do my best.” He laughed, tucking the strands of my hair behind the ear. “I just don’t want you to be upset. I’m so sorry I walked out on you and then got embarrassingly drunk. It just hurt what you said.”

“Harry, I’m so sorry I said that,” I quickly interjected, remembering my words that drove him out my door. “It completely came out the wrong way. What you did before we got together should hardly matter at this point, but I just -- I didn’t want to admit how insecure and jealous I’ve always been about the girls you’ve been with. It’s always bothered me though I didn’t want to admit it...even when we weren’t together.”

Harry’s expression softened at my honest admission. It felt oddly relieving to admit where I was wrong and that I was insecure, which was what led me to get so frustrated and upset about the whole situation. If only this was how we’d handled it the night before rather than getting angry at each other and letting it spin out of control.

“You don’t have any reason to be jealous or insecure,” Harry said. “I wish I could have told you that sooner. I wanted to -- I waited outside your door for hours. People probably thought I was homeless.”

“I was at Layla’s,” I told him. “When you left, I didn’t want to be alone, so I went to see her. Niall was the one that told us you were at the bar.”

Harry flushed at that. “Yeah,” he answered meekly. “I don’t know. I was mad and just thought fuck it and went to the bar. I was miserable, though. Babbled on about you for hours to everyone there.”

“Only good things I hope,” I teased, giving him a small, shy smile.

“Always, B.”

I smiled a little wider while Harry played with the skin on my arms, stroking over it as though he wanted to touch me just because he could, just because he wanted to. It made me feel better knowing that I was on his mind last night despite everything, but I was also still wondering if Stella was at the bar, too, like she said she was. Did they see each other? Did they talk -- do more than talk? Harry said he wouldn’t anymore, but I had to bring it up anyway if we were on the topic. I had to know.

“Harry, I’ve got to ask you something.” Harry looked at me, humming in response. I suddenly felt a little nervous because I still wasn’t sure of the answer. It was what drove me near hysterical this morning and I knew it was better to ask than let it fester inside of me even more like everything else. It was just -- what if he said yes? What if he had cheated? I wouldn’t know unless I asked, but fuck this was scary. I braved a look and met his eyes. “Yesterday, I got your messages and went to your lectures to see you. You weren’t there, obviously, but I heard Stella telling her friend she fucked you.”

Utter silence took over the room and my heart almost stopped because Harry wasn’t saying anything. He was so close, but I couldn’t read his expression. That scared me because did that mean it was true? Was he upset he got caught? What was going through his head? I let out a strangled breath and said, “Harry, what -- did you?”

He let out a soft sigh, lowering his gaze and running a hand through his curly, brown hair. “Okay, I don’t know why she’s going around saying that now when it happened months ago. Before you and I ever did anything together. Plus, we didn’t even fuck, she went down on me -- and yeah.”

“So, you hooked up months ago, not recently?”

Harry frowned softly while shaking his head. “Is that what you thought? That it happened last night?”

I shrugged, not able to meet his eyes anymore. “I didn’t think that, per se, but she was saying she was at the bar last night and then this morning she was saying you two fucked or whatever. I just wasn’t sure when or whether or not it was even true. Really messed me up for a little.” I let out a humorless, nervous laugh and Harry placed his hand on my back, pulling me closer until he could kiss me. It was short and fleeting, like he just needed to do it before replying back.

When Harry drew back, he pressed our foreheads together, staring at me with intense ferocity. “I wouldn’t ever cheat on you, Blair, especially not because we’d had a stupid fight. I’m a little upset you’d think I would, but I get why you thought that, I suppose. I just -- I’m going to say it again, okay? There is no reason for you to be jealous or insecure because you’re my girl. There’s literally no one else. It’s just you and it’s going to stay that way, B. Just you, everyday.”

Tears started to fill my eyes without me even being able to stop myself like I usually did. I was always able to hold myself back, however this time I barely even tried. When I had gotten home from the day drinking event earlier, I had sat in my shower for an hour, sobbing and crying more than I had in years. It felt never ending, but even after I stopped, I still had a deep weight in my chest, which people usually said got better after you’d had a good cry. Except it didn’t go away, but only felt deeper.

I felt numbed out and restless all at once, like I wasn’t me anymore. What I did today wasn’t something I’d ever do. It was out of character because I’d never cheat on someone and I’d hate to be on the receiving end of it as well. I had thought that maybe Harry cheated on me. Wasn’t that what drove me to kiss Josh back? That if he could do it, then why couldn’t I? It was sick and twisted. I felt more than guilty, like I didn’t deserve to be in his arms or this close to him. It was twisting and turning in my stomach, but I couldn’t say it. Of course, I couldn’t.

When I thought back to those moments with Josh, I almost tried to convince myself that it wasn’t me doing those things. It wasn’t me at all. And all I could do was cry at Harry’s words because it was Harry for me everyday, too. For me, it had always been Harry. It was Harry now and it would be tomorrow because I was so unbelievably in love with him. Harry always used to tell me that he was looking for the one and I wanted to be that because he was the one for me. I knew deep inside me that nobody else could make me feel the way Harry did. Nobody could connect with me on that level and the thought made me feel both safe and terrified. It felt like we were made for each other and for anything to jeopardize or threaten what we had was something I wasn't sure I could ever accept.

And to think, Harry still didn’t know how deeply I felt for him. I was sure he had an idea because it wasn’t like I ever held back my love for him. I didn’t have to say it -- just being with him and showing him was probably proof enough. The fact that he loved me too should be a form of encouragement, but after what had happened, I wasn’t so sure. Would he still love me if he knew -- if he ever knew? God, I wished he never had to know, even if that was such an awful secret to keep.

This wasn’t supposed to happen -- none of it was supposed to happen. I was never supposed to cheat on Harry and we were never supposed to be fighting nor going down like this. We were supposed to be good and right for each other and I still believed we were were, but not like this. It almost felt unreal, like I still couldn’t come to terms with what I’d done.

Harry silently wiped my tears with his thumb before wrapping his arms around me to pull me into a hug. I clutched onto his t-shirt, hiding my face against his chest as the tears leaked out. “I’m so sorry,” Harry whispered quietly, rubbing my back. “I never wanted you to cry...I love you so much. You're breaking my heart, B.”

I sniffled, probably staining his shirt. “I’m sorry, too,” I whispered back, wondering if Harry knew just how much I had to be sorry for.



Over the next few days, I clung to Harry like velcro. We spent every night together, even if we weren’t having sex or doing anything special, which weirdly wasn’t something we normally did. Harry and I would spend nights apart before due to school and other priorities and it wasn’t a big deal. We met up everyday as it was and did our own thing. Now, though, I didn’t want to let him out of my sight. He didn’t question it, thankfully, agreeing to do whatever I wanted. I figured he thought it was my way of dealing with the aftermath of our fight. We ate most of our meals together, did revision together, went to the gym together despite the fact that I didn’t work out a lot, and even ran errands together, like picking up groceries.  

Part of me knew it was ridiculous and clingy and probably annoying, but another part of me knew I just needed to hold on to him. For some reason, it felt like the tighter I held onto Harry, the less likely it was for him to find out and leave me, as though this was viable prevention from the truth coming out. My efforts were weak and a little crazy, but all I wanted was to have him close and fill up that gap in my chest that had been widening since that day with Josh.

Sometimes, I did wonder how much the fact that I was keeping this from him was going to eat me away inside because as the days progressed, I started to realize that no matter how much I didn’t talk about it, it didn’t mean that it didn’t happen. It had happened and me avoiding telling Harry wouldn’t suddenly make it vanish. I was always going to have to hold this with me and it felt like it tainted to everything I was and everything Harry and me were. And I worried that it would just explode out of me one day. It wasn’t unlikely because as much as I could put it off, I knew it was a time bomb quietly ticking and getting closer to blowing everyday.

 

Harry placed two twenty pound notes in the checkbook before getting up from his chair, backing it up and stretching his arms behind his head. I grabbed my phone off the table, tucking it into my back pocket before following him, physically trying to pry my eyes off the sliver of skin that exposed when he stretched. I could see his small, thin happy trail right below his navel from here and it was getting me more hot and bothered than I’d care to admit because this was hardly the time.

It was a Saturday afternoon and we’d just had lunch at a cafe nearby campus. It had only just opened and Harry had come here a few times already, dragging me with him to have the buffalo chicken wrap with ranch sauce. It sounded ghastly, but tasted to die for. Harry was usually a stickler for healthy food, but not when it came to this.

By the time we got to the exit, Harry came around to my side, putting his arm around my shoulder and leading me out towards the lot to go to the car. “You know what I’m thinking of?” he asked, his eyes hidden behind his aviators.

“What’s that?” I asked him, wrapping an arm around his waist, fingers seeking purchase on his red and black flannel.

“Do you think that if we have babies they’d have dimples?” he asked, like it was just something super casual we discussed all the time, which with Harry, we often did. Nothing got him going like domestic talk. It was rather endearing, but also really strange. “I mean, I’ve got them, you’ve got one, too. It makes sense for our kids to have them.”

“Maybe,” I replied. “It depends on the genes. Neither of my parents had them, but I got some recessive gene from some great grandmother.”

“They’re prominent in my family, I think,” Harry responded as we got to his car. “My Mum’s got them and so does Gemma. Not my Dad, though.”

“Well, I hope that when we do have babies that they have dimples. I want them to look exactly like you, actually. Really cute, but in a weird way -- kinda like frogs.”

Harry frowned at me, unlocking his car and opening the passenger door for me. “Heeey,” he drawled out with an affronted tone. “That’s a really messed up thing to say about our future kids.”

I laughed, feeling light and happy from this banter, but maybe also from the way he had me backed up against the car with one hand on the top of the car and the other holding the door open, making it so that he was trapping me with no way of escaping. I found I didn’t mind it much, anyway. “You’re right, I’m sorry. They’re all obviously going to take after me.”

I was joking, of course, because I did want our babies to look like Harry, but Harry didn’t seem to refute what I said, instead smiling and closing the distance between us, pressing his front against mine. “Hmm,” he hummed thoughtfully, his hot breath fanning over my lips. “I think I quite like that idea of that -- having gorgeous babies that look like you.”

“Oh, of course you would,” I said, rolling my eyes, trying to fight off the blush on my cheeks.

“We can split them and have half of them looking like you and the other half looking like me. And then one that looks like the both of us.”

“Yeah, but it’s not up to us. It’s all genetics,” I said, laughing again. “But we’ll keep popping them out until we get it right. I believe in us.”

Harry laughed brightly, finally kissing me sweetly. It was inappropriate and clearly not the place, but we snogged for a few minutes against his car before finally getting in and driving back to campus. When Harry parked in front of the frat house, I frowned with a confused expression.

“I didn’t know we were coming here,” I said slowly.

“Do you mind?” Harry asked. “Just thought I’d drop by. I’ve got a few books I’ll need from here, anyway.”

I gulped quietly, shaking my head. Harry smiled, unbuckling his belt and climbing out of the car. It took me a moment before I could do the same. The entire walk up to the front door felt like a constant battle in my head between whether or not Josh would be there. He lived only a few doors down from Harry’s room and I just didn’t feel comfortable being here. We hadn’t really come down to the frat since everything happened and for good reason. I wasn’t ready to face Josh or what had happened yet, surely not with Harry in tow.

Josh had texted me a few times since the incident, asking to talk and even once professing that he still had feelings for me. I had no idea if he knew that Harry hadn’t cheated on me or that we weren’t broken up. It could potentially be a really big mess considering they were in the same frat, which was why I didn’t know what to say, so I kept ignoring him. I deleted his thread of messages every time he texted me hoping that if I didn’t acknowledge him, it would just all stop being real.

Walking through that front door of the frat house and Josh being one of the first things I saw proved me wrong -- that it was in fact real. Memories of that day came back to me right away when I saw him standing there. I remembered the way he sat with me and spoke to me, so nice and sincere. I remembered the way he kissed me and how unfamiliar and wrong he tasted, the way we stumbled into the house and how Josh had been inside of me, though brief and quick. It hurt. That was all I remembered. It didn’t just hurt because I wasn’t ready, but also because everything about it was so wrong, that just the thought of it seemed terrible.

A chorus of hello’s and hi’s greeted Harry and me. His hand was tightly entwined with mine as he pulled me into the living room where a group of guys were sat around. Ed, Liam, Louis and Niall were there, immediately pulling Harry into some conversation while I was left to stand there on my own. I didn’t miss the way Josh looked at me from across the room. My heart was thumping in my chest rapidly, looking anywhere but at him before I finally braved a look out of curiosity.

Josh looked hurt. He looked downright hurt and confused and also a little angry. I quickly looked away, breaking our gaze and shifting closer to Harry, hoping it sent a message. That I wanted nothing to do with him and that what had happened was a mistake.

When I felt like I couldn’t stand there any longer with Josh pinning me down with his stare, I tugged on Harry’s hand, making him turn to look at me. Harry knew right away that I was ready to go upstairs and that I didn’t feel like being there, so he finished up his conversation with the boys. We said bye and started to head upstairs when someone called out, “Hey, Harry.”

Harry stopped at the middle of the stairs with me behind him, turning to look towards the voice. Josh ran over to him, a sort of wicked smile on his face. “How long you around, mate?” he asked.

“Umm, not sure,” Harry responded. “Why? What’s up?”

“Need to have a word with you. Not that important, though. Lemme know when you’re free.”

“Will do,” Harry replied. He continued to walk up the stairs, pulling me behind him, despite the fact that I could feel the ground dropping beneath me as I once again locked eyes with Josh. I didn’t know what he’d want to talk to Harry about now all of a sudden, but I had an idea or two. I quickly turned away from him, blanching at the possibility of Josh outing the two of us to Harry.

No, no, no.

That could not happen. At first I’d been so swept up in the war between telling Harry myself and not telling him at all, that it stupidly didn’t occur to me that Josh might end up telling Harry. I didn’t think of Josh to be that cruel, but why wouldn’t he be? While it wasn’t right what he did, a part of me was to blame, as well. I led him on when Dean liked me the time we first met. I didn’t tell him that I didn’t really feel the same until so much later and then got with one of his frat brothers. That didn’t usually roll around here unless there was a mutual understanding, which I doubted was the case between Harry and Josh because I was sure they’d never spoken about it. On top of all that, I couldn’t deny that I hadn’t kissed him back that day before running away.

To a degree, I knew Josh took advantage of me, but he hadn’t forced himself onto me. He shouldn’t have done what he did when I was in such a fragile and hysterical state -- he shouldn’t have done it at all -- but I had given him some permission. I let Josh kiss me, I let him pull me into the house and into the bathroom. I didn’t even stop him from pulling my pants down -- all because of a fucking fight with Harry that went awry because we kept missing each other and fate kept pulling twists and turns on us. Nothing about this was fair to any of us and I could feel it weighing me impossibly down.

It would be terrible and so wrong if Harry found out through Josh. Who knew what he’d say to Harry regarding what had happened? I could tell that Josh was angry with me now and he could easily twist the truth. Whether Harry would believe him or not depended upon how much he trusted me, which I knew he did. Then again, I trusted Harry, too, but still had a hard time doing so after I heard Stella mention that they hooked up. It might go both ways, but I still didn’t want Josh or anyone else for that matter telling Harry. If he had to know, it had to come from me.    

By the time Harry and I were in his room with the door locked behind us, I felt myself crumbling. I could feel the walls caving in on me like I was being drowned despite not being underwater. Harry hadn’t noticed, instead walking further into the room, going straight to his desk where he shuffled with some papers on the desk, picking a few up and turning around to look at me. He looked as though he was about to say something, but abruptly stopped when he saw my expression.

Harry frowned and walked over to me quickly. “Blair,” he said. “What’s wrong, babe? You look poorly. You feeling alright?” I shook my head in response, my resolve breaking and my face crumpling. Harry looked almost alarmed at that, his arms coming around my body to hold me. “Fuck. You’re shaking. What’s wrong? Say something...you’re scaring the shit out of me.”

I shook my head again, unable to find the words to even say. It all came down to Harry knowing it from me and not Josh. It was better this way. I was doing the right thing no matter how much it was killing me. I closed my eyes tightly for a moment before opening them up again, tears rolling down my cheeks. Harry stared at me, wide eyed and so confused, watching as I breathed out shakily.

“I have something to tell you,” I said to him, my voice small, but suddenly too loud in that room.

“Yeah,” Harry urged. “What is it? Are you okay?”

I shook my head once more, letting more tears fall. My eyes were starting to burn and I knew that meant my face was probably getting blotchy and my eyes were turning red. The funny part was, I hadn’t even told him yet, but I was already falling apart because I knew. I knew this wasn’t going to end well and I was dreading how this was going to change everything. I couldn’t help but look into his concerned green eyes for one last time, a moment longer than necessary before speaking, taking in the love and adoration he had in them for me because I wasn’t sure it would be there anymore after what I was about to say.

“The day after our fight when I was at the day drinking event I got really really drunk and I was upset -- about -- I guess, everything. You leaving and me not getting to you on time and hearing what Stella said. I was upset and I did something I shouldn’t have.”

Harry nodded his head understandingly, drawing back at arm's length to look at me carefully. “What?” he asked. “What did you do?”

I choked on a sob, taking another deep breath. “Josh was there. He -- uh, he spoke to me for a bit and I was talking about you.”

Harry stilled for a moment and I wondered if he knew -- if he knew what I was about to say...what I did. His eyes were wide and searching, trying to understand, but it was so hard to just come out and say it even if I had built up the courage to do it before he heard it from someone else. I was shaking all over for Christ’s sake, trying not to psych myself out. I was wrong and I was stupid. I could accept that. A part of me hoped that he could, too.

“He kissed me,” I finally breathed out. “He kissed me and I’d stopped him at first, but then he -- he said something and I kissed him back.”

Harry’s eyes narrowed at that, his grip on me slightly loosening as what I’d said and done sunk in. He was frowning now, a mixture of disbelief and confusion on his face as he looked back at me. “What did he say to you?” he asked, his tone unrecognizable.

“I’d told him that you might have cheated on me and when he kissed me he said that if you could then why couldn’t I.”

“What the fuck?” Harry breathed out, backing away from me completely. “What kind of twisted logic is that? I didn’t cheat on you.”

“I know,” I quickly cried, wiping at my eyes, even though it was fruitless with the way the tears wouldn’t stop. “I know that now, Harry, and a part of me knew that back then that day, too.”

“Then why did you kiss him back?” Harry asked, his voice a touch louder than before. He was angry and had every right to be.

“I made a mistake,” I whispered brokenly. “I’m so fucking sorry, Harry. I made the biggest mistake of my life. I was drunk. You can ask Liv and Dylan -- I couldn’t even stand. I was so upset and confused and I couldn’t get in touch with you--.”

“You should have come to my flat, then. You didn’t have to go there!”

“I didn’t know what to think,” I said, desperately. “I swear, I just.” I let out another deep breath, feeling like it was getting harder and harder to do so. “That day was so horrible, Harry. I felt like everything was going wrong. I didn’t know how to face you and I went there to think and get away. Not with the intention of seeing Josh, though. You know I don’t feel anything for him. You’ve known all along, so it’s not what it sounds like.”

“I did, yeah,” Harry nodded, quiet and a little shaky. “I just -- I don’t know what to think. You just kissed him a little, yeah? That was it? You could have told me that day...I get you were drunk. I believe you. It’s just a lot to take in.”

This was probably where Harry was going to lose it and hate me forever when he found out the rest of the truth. I could feel it hanging in the air because he was close to it now that he’d found out about the kissing. Harry was being understanding, though, always so understanding and lovely. I felt like the world’s biggest fool for doing what I did.

Harry noted my silence, my eyes slightly twitching and nervous demeanor. He let out a shaky breath as he walked a bit closer. “Blair...,” he said quietly. “That’s it, right?”

I shook my head slowly, biting my lip as more tears spilled from my eyes. Harry gritted his teeth, his hands finally letting go of the papers as they flew up in the air between us. “You fucked him?” Harry breathed out, his voice deep and gravelly while his jaw was tense and set. I let out a choked sob and that was what set Harry off. He looked absolutely livid. Harry’s fists were clenched and his eyes were narrowed down into tiny slits, glaring so hard that I could barely see them.

“Harry,” I rushed out. “It wasn’t like that. I stopped him right away. It was only for a second.”

“You fucking cheated on me and you expect me to stand here and listen to you fucking tell me the logistics and details of how long you did it? As if that makes anything about this okay?” Harry yelled, his voice echoing in the room. “What the fuck is wrong with you? I can’t -- I can’t believe you of all people would do this to me.”

“Harry, no,” I shook my head, pleadingly. “I didn’t. I didn’t actually have sex with him. It wasn’t what you’re thinking. Can we -- I don’t know.”

“You just said you fucked him and now you’re saying you didn’t have sex with him? Which one is it because they’re the same thing, Blair.”

“I made him pull out right after,” I choked out, voice raspy and thick with tears. “It hurt and I made him pull out right away, I swear.”

“How can you possibly expect me to believe anything you’re fucking saying right now?” Harry yelled. “How do you possibly expect that from me?”

“Because I’m telling you the truth,” I cried. “I swear I’m telling you the truth. I knew Josh would tell you and I wanted to be the one to tell you, instead.”

“So, you’re only telling me because you got scared just now that Josh was going to rat you out?” Harry snarled. “Is that it? You got scared and thought you’d do it? If he wasn’t ever going to, would you have always hid this from me?”

“I -- I d -- I don’t know,” I stammered. “I didn’t want to, but I was scared. I was scared of losing you, Harry.”

“That’s fucking bullshit!” He screamed. “You wouldn’t be scared if you didn’t do anything wrong, so you admit that.”

“Of course I do,” I shouted over his voice. “I know I fucked up and I’m owning up to it.”

“What’s with all these bogus excuses then? You didn’t do it. You pulled out. Be upfront with me and tell me the fucking truth because I deserve it!”

“That’s the truth! I’m telling you the truth right now, I swear.”

“A bit hard to believe you now, innit?” he asked with an ugly laugh. “Cheated on me and then tried to hide it from me, didn’t you? How can I expect the truth from you now then?”

“I’m owning up to it right now, Harry. I fucked up and I’m so fucking sorry. You have no idea.”

“I have no idea? Do you know how I’m feeling right now?” he asked, his voice cracking at the end. Harry looked near hysterical at this point. He was pacing the room, shouting at me so loudly from across the room like he couldn’t bear to be near me anymore. This all shouldn't be surprising. I knew he’d react badly, but knowing it and then living it were two different things. “I can’t -- I can’t fucking believe this right now. I told you that I lo -- fuck!”

I let out another shudder, rubbing my hands over my face and running my fingers through my hair before looking back at Harry again. My entire head was throbbing from how much I’d been crying, but nothing could compare to the pain in my chest. I felt like every part of me was tearing apart. “Josh means nothing to me. I don’t have any feelings for him. I meant what I said, I was drunk and upset and he said some things and initiated it, but I’m telling you that it didn’t go far.”

“He was inside of you,” Harry bellowed, his hand coming in hard, sharp contact with the edge of one of the bookshelves in the room, causing it to totter a bit before dropping a few books, trophies, medals and other small things on to the ground loudly. I visibly shook, startled by the sound and let out a small whimper. Harry didn’t give any indication of caring, instead glaring at me with utter fury in his eyes. “He fucked you and that counts.”

“It didn’t lead to anything. It stopped right there. Please believe me.”

“Why the fuck would I believe you?”

“Because I love you,” I shouted. “I fucking love you -- you don’t know, you have no fucking idea how much, Harry -- just -- I love you. I fucking love you and I am so sorry.”

Love and sorry. They felt like such useless words right then, but I still couldn’t help but say them. I’d wanted my first time to telling Harry to be special. That opportunity had unfortunately never come. I kept putting it off, waiting for the right moment, but then the fight happened. Following the fight, even after we made up, I was constantly buried with so much guilt that I couldn’t even utter it. And now, in the middle of a heated fight where Harry was mad to the point of breaking down the entire fucking house, I said it.

Useless words, yeah, but filled with depth and desperation and honesty.

Harry froze for a moment, something other than anger washing over his expression. I couldn’t pinpoint it, but it was soft and torn down, but also guarded. Harry looked like he was on the edge of breaking and it was so startling because I’d never seen Harry this way. He was always calm, cool and collected. Given the circumstances, I didn’t blame him. It was a bit surprising, though, to see the way he visibly stilled at my words as though he was trying to decide whether or not he could trust me because, I realized, that wasn’t something he felt he could do anymore.

I was shocked to see when Harry finally let out a humorless, dry laugh. “Didn’t peg you for the type to lie even in desperate times. Then again, don’t really feel like I know you at all at the moment.”

“Don’t say that,” I whispered. “You know me, H. You’ve known me for months -- better than most people in my life. You know I wouldn’t lie to you about this or anything. I’ve been in love with you for so long.”

“And you chose now to say it?” he asked, a humorless smirk on his lips. “I wanted to hear you say it so bad and you do it now -- right after dropping the fact that you cheated on me? Amazing. That’s -- that’s something right there.”

“I didn’t want to say it now. I was waiting for the right time and everything kept fucking up.”

“Everything was fucking up because you couldn’t be honest with me from the start,” he said, voice rising again as he spat the words out at me. “You couldn’t tell me how you felt about me being with other girls and you let it build up till you exploded and then you go and fucking cheat on me. Everything fucked up because of you.”

“Is the fact that I’m owning up to it not telling you that I’m aware? I’m telling you that that day was one of my worsts! I was so fucking unbelievably hurt and confused after our fight and everything kept going wrong. I didn’t tell Josh to come up to me when I was piss drunk. I didn’t tell him to sit close to me and take advantage of the state I was in. I don’t even remember telling him that I wanted anything from him. He kissed me and all I did was kiss him back and he took me inside. I stopped him. I promise you I stopped him.”

Harry’s jaw tensed up further and further as I spoke, his eyes and expression wild and livid again, like the anger was all rushing back to him. He was gripping on to the part of the bookcase that he’d pushed while his other fist was clenched hard. When he didn’t respond, I let out another desperate whimper.

“Harry, please,” I begged him.

“I’m going to fucking kill him.”

My eyes widened momentarily, only catching on once Harry pushed past me, unlocking the door and storming out of there. I swore under my breath and quickly ran after him, but not soon enough because he was already halfway down the stairs. By the time I got down there, Harry had already charged up to an unexpecting Josh, grabbing him by the shoulder to turn him around. In an instant, Harry’s fist lined up squarely with Josh’s jaw, causing him to stumble backward to the ground.

“Harry!” I screamed, not really sure what I was asking him to do.

Everyone in the house ran over, crowding around us curiously as Harry ignored me and grabbed Josh once again by the shoulder and quickly slammed his right fist into Josh’s stomach. Ed, Liam, Louis and Niall, who had quickly ran over, looked more concerned than curious. They all looked over at me and I could only wonder what went through their heads at the sight of me because I looked crazy. I had been crying uncontrollably for a while with my nose running and face blotchy and red that none of it probably made any sense to them. They most likely knew we were fighting because we were loud upstairs, but they probably didn’t know Josh was involved.

When I turned back to Harry and Josh, I saw that Josh had swiftly stood up and was actually fighting back now, trying to defend himself despite the slowly bruising jaw and weak efforts from being attacked without a warning. Harry looked relentless, though, as if he was pouring all of his anger and frustration and hurt out into this. He was throwing punch after punch, not even caring where he swung, which was incredibly dangerous.

“Fuck you,” Harry kept shouting. “How fucking dare you touch her? I’ll fucking kill you. You fucking piece of shit. Fuck you.”

The two of them ended up wrestling on the ground, pulling at each other’s shirts and hitting whatever they could reach. It was only when Josh threw a hit straight at Harry’s face, perfectly getting his eye, that I let out an involuntary scream. That was when Liam and Ed grabbed onto Harry, pulling him back by his arms despite his best efforts at kicking Josh wherever he could reach while two other boys grabbed on to Josh.

“What the fuck is going on?” Louis asked with a shout. “Why are you fighting?”

For a moment, Josh looked over at Harry before looking at me while Harry stared at Josh with utter hatred and disgust in his eyes. I felt out of place standing there in the middle of a brawl at a frat house despite the fact that I was the one that caused it. I wanted to disappear into thin air, get as far away from all this as I could, but it was never that simple or easy.

It seemed that Harry noticed Josh looking at me and tried to rip himself away from Ed and Liam’s tight hold to hit him again. “Don’t fucking look at her,” Harry gritted at him. “I swear I’ll fucking rip your eyes out. Don’t you dare fucking look at her.”

“Harry,” Niall warned sharply, shooting me a quick, questioning look before stepping in front of him. “What’s this about? Josh is your frat brother --.”

“Fuck that!” Harry yelled. “Fuck it. He’s a fucking piece of shit. I’ll fucking kill him. Fucking prick.”

“Harry,” Niall shouted again, putting his hands on Harry again to calm him down. “What’s this about?”

“He’s pissed because I fucked Blair,” Josh spat out as he pushed off the two guys that were holding on to him to stand on his own. “A week ago at the day drinking event at Phi Sig.”

Deafening silence took over the entire room and I’d never felt smaller than I did right then with all eyes in the room trained on me. It wasn’t just guilt running through me, but shame and humiliation, too, at having this outed for everyone to know.

I tried to hold myself together as best as I could despite all that with my chin held high and my eyes on everyone’s level. It was just hard because I felt like I’d been thrown and kicked down for making a drunken mistake. I knew what I did was wrong and stupid, but I didn’t want to be shamed for that in front of an entire frat house. I tried my best, scrunching up my face in an effort to not cry, but evidently failed and then Harry somehow wrenched himself free from Ed and Liam, pushing Josh back until his back hit the wall. Harry grabbed Josh by the collar of shirt, lifting him up off the ground and pinning him against the wall with his teeth gritted before punching him right on the nose. Immediately, blood started spilling out, oozing down his face and they were at it again.

The injuries ran deeper this time, but mostly on Josh’s end. Harry launched hit after hit, unforgiving and terrifyingly adamant about not sparing Josh. They were knocking down chairs and pushing things out of place. After much difficulty, Liam, Ed and Louis combined, they pulled Harry back and the look on his face absolutely broke me. His face was flushed, the buttons on his shirt ripped open to reveal his heaving chest. There were bruises and scratches littered all over his skin. However, what made it all worse was that the bruised eye on his face didn’t do much to hide the fact that he was tearing up.

Harry looked beyond frustrated and so conflicted, running fidgety hands through his hair and pulling at it. The others had dragged Josh away from the room, leaving me alone with Liam, Niall, Ed, Louis and Harry. The boys were surrounding him like a shield as he slumped down against the wall, whispering things to him to get him to relax while I stood in the background, not sure of what to do.

Harry let go of his hair, letting it stand in several directions before looking up at me with a tear rolling down his cheek. He rubbed it away roughly, but it immediately made me move closer to him, but then Harry said, “Stop.”

I stopped in my tracks, the other boys looking between me and and Harry as we stared at each other. Harry’s eyes looked nothing but cold and distant, it didn’t even feel like I was looking at him anymore, but someone else entirely.

“Leave,” Harry said to me, voice steady. “I want you to leave right now.”

“Harry--.”

“Fucking go!” Harry shouted, so loud that even Niall jumped back in surprise.

I immediately turned around, walking out as fast as my feet could take me, not sparing one more look at anyone else. Tears leaked from my eyes in steady rolls as I made my way home, feeling like this wasn’t any different from what had happened a week ago.

That same night, I remembered crying in Harry’s arms while he told me that it was breaking his heart to see me like that. He didn’t know that my heart was broken as well. Walking home this time around after what had just happened, I felt similar, but we didn’t just break each other’s hearts this time -- we fucking shattered them.