Breathe

There were less than two weeks left till the end of term -- till the day we graduated. Less than two weeks until this was all over and I wouldn’t be walking on the same campus grounds, going into the same classrooms in the same school buildings, or seeing my friends every day.

It was a lot to process because it was a huge change and an adjustment. However, the school system barely ever gave students who were graduating a grace period where they weren’t bombarded with last minute papers and projects on top of final exams; meanwhile also trying to properly become an adult and figure out life and how to handle the change. It was why most students just stopped caring and went with the flow rather than scrambling to finish everything. That was probably how the term senioritis was coined. Nobody I knew was studying long hours for their exams -- they were studying the night before or real quickly the morning of. Even Liv and she was the most studious out of all of us.

I would have done that as well, but I somehow found comfort and solace in my work. It wasn’t that my friends weren’t cutting it. That wasn’t it at all. They just didn’t give me immediate distraction like my course work did. I could sit at the library for hours and revise at my pace because time was barely a factor for me anymore. I’d find myself there all day either in between classes or afterwards until the sky turned a shade of dark blue. Doing this gave me something to keep myself busy and to stop thinking about everything that had been happening for the past few weeks. I still thought about it, but not as much as I would have if I sat in my room while staring at my white walls or vented to my friends about how upset I was.

The library was quiet and had a good atmosphere that made me focused and that was what I needed. I needed to focus on the future because that was the only thing driving me to keep going. Everyone always said that if you let time pass, it would get better and God knew I needed that.

“Blair, dear,” I heard a soft, female voice speak up from behind me. I paused midst writing some notes beside the margins in my notebook and turned to look. It was Karen, the middle aged library aide, who’d grown accustomed to seeing me around there and since then we’d reached first name base. “We’re about to close in ten. Hate to break up your concentration, but you’re going to have to go home. Everyone else has left.”

It was only then that I realized all the tables around me were empty and there wasn’t a single keyboard or pen clicking or the sound of pages turning in the air. It was dead quiet.

“Oh,” I said slowly and a bit belatedly. “Sorry. Lost track of time.”

“No worries, dear,” Karen laughed, straightening out the chairs in the room while I packed everything away. “I can see you got rather immersed into your work. Absolutely love your work ethic.”

“Thanks,” I mumbled with a breathy chuckle, zipping up my bag and slinging it on my shoulder. “I’ll see you tomorrow, Karen. Have a good night.”

“You, too, Blair. Good night.”

Karen smiled at me, giving me a wave, which I returned before walking out of the library. The night air was warm and brisk, the perfect amount of warm and breezy, which made walking back home feel rather nice. Campus was dead, except for the few kids who were sitting by the fountain and having a smoke or walking out of the dining hall to head back to their dorms. When I got a whiff of the savory food smell coming out of the dining hall, my stomach grumbled in protest, and I realized I hadn’t eaten anything all day except little snacks I packed for the library. Fuck...that wasn’t good. It was nearing midnight and I could only hope Liv had something to eat at home otherwise I was going to have to cook and I was too tired to even bother.

Once I finally got home and walked through the front door, I was greeted by Dylan and Liv cuddling on the couch with some movie on. They both looked up at me simultaneously as I walked in and greeted me with smiles. They’d only been dating a few days and they were already mirroring each other. What the fuck.

“You’re in late,” Liv said sounding a bit concerned. “Where’ve you been?”

“Library,” I replied, though I had a feeling she knew. “Sorry about that. How are you guys?”

“We’re good,” Dylan responded. “We ordered takeaway. Indian tonight. Hope you don’t mind. We were going to wait for you to get home to decide, but we got super hungry.”

“It’s fine. That’s my fault. Indian sounds really good, actually,” I said. “I’m starving so I’ll eat just about anything. I’ll just go freshen up.”

“Yeah, sure,” said Liv before adding, “We’re watching that new Emma Stone movie. You could come join us.”

I bit the cushion of my bottom lip and shrugged unsurely. “I’m not really in the mood for that. I’m super tired. I was going to take my dinner to my room anyway, but thanks for offering.”

Liv gave me an understanding smile, though I knew she was feeling off about my answer if her expression was anything to go by. She probably just didn’t want to put me on the spot, but I wasn’t really in the mood for a movie or to sit with her and Dylan and be a third wheel. I just wanted to be alone. “I understand.”

I smiled back at her meekly before slipping away to my bedroom and changing out of my clothes and into shorts and a t-shirt. As I headed back out and walked towards the kitchen, I heard Dylan and Liv talking in hushed whispers.  

“How’s she doing?” I heard Dylan ask Liv, prompting me to slow my steps and halt before the hallway ended into the sitting room. “Have you been talking to her?”

“I honestly can’t tell,” Liv responded to her, sounding frustrated. “I know she’s putting up a front that she’s okay because her smiles aren’t as genuine -- and sometimes it feels like the light from her eyes is gone as cheesy as that sounds. Like, she looks so blank and out of it, Dyl, it really worries me. She’s so quiet and closed in. We haven’t spoken about this stuff since the senior cookout when she disappeared.”

“You didn’t ask her why she left?”

“I tried to, but she avoided answering it. I think Harry upset her and I don’t think they’re talking still. I wish he would just give her a chance. I wish he’d understand how sorry she is because I hate seeing her like this.”

“You just have to be there for her,” Dylan told her softly. “There’s not much else you can do. It’s really up to them.”

“You’re right. I just feel like a terrible friend knowing what’s bothering her and not being able to help.”

“You’re a great friend. And I can bet you anything she knows it. Let this run its course because I’m sure they’ll both realize sooner or later that they need to resolve it.”

“I hope so.”

That seemed to be the end of the conversation as they played the movie again, filling the room with noise once more. I found myself slowly backtracking out of there, suddenly not feeling as hungry as I was a minute ago. I went back into my room, closing the door behind me and crawling into my undone bed, which for some strange fucking reason still smelled like Harry.

It made absolutely no sense that I could smell him on my sheets when he hadn’t been on them in weeks. I could even smell him on me, but that was most likely because I was wearing his shirt so it made sense. The bed situation didn’t. It was probably why every night when I went to sleep, I’d be filled with thoughts of nights with Harry. Long nights with Harry where we went on coffee runs and didn’t come back till the sun came up. Nights with Harry where we stayed in bed and he made me his own. His smell consumed me to the point where I couldn’t think of anything but nights with Harry. And it was cruel and counterproductive, really, because I spent all day trying to actively not think about him and then I’d come to bed and it would be all I did.

I settled down under the covers, trying to let the noise from the movie on in the other room drown out my thoughts, but it was fruitless. I didn’t want Liv to worry about me or feel bad because she thought she was a bad friend. She wasn’t and I appreciated her efforts into making me feel better, however, I just needed to figure this stuff out on my own, despite the fact that I had no idea what to do.

I knew I made a horrible mistake and I tried to do the right thing by owning up to it, but every day I couldn’t help but wonder if it was the right choice or not. I apologized, I bared my heart out to Harry and it wasn’t enough. It felt useless and empty saying sorry or anything at all because the look of hurt on his face was heartbreaking. Liv was right -- Harry and I weren’t talking anymore. He’d sent me a few texts the night of the senior cookout and I’d responded with a simple you’re wrong, but Harry never responded back. He probably woke up the day after and regretted saying anything.

Those texts sort of relieved me, but they hurt, too. Harry didn’t hook up with anyone, but he was still angry with me. He told me he loved me, but that didn’t matter at this point. Loving each other wasn’t cutting it. It was making everything more complicated if anything.

So, I’d taken to avoiding the situation altogether. I didn’t want to deal with it because I didn’t know how beyond everything I’d already done. And it seemed okay most of the time, but nights like these when I was reminded of the reality of my life and everything going on it, I felt like the walls were caving in. Like we weren’t going to get out of this unscathed.



My programming textbook lied open on my lap while I stretched my legs out and leaned back on the tree I was sitting under. The air conditioner in the library wasn’t working, so it was like a sauna in there, and the weather today was spot on, which was why I was revising outside instead. The lawn in front of the library stretched wide with dark green grass and picnic tables with umbrellas for shade. Several students were outside either sunbathing with pop radio on, playing footie, or revising like I was.

I found myself so engrossed in my notes that I hadn’t noticed when Niall and Zayn plopped down across from me. It only registered when they called my name. I looked up at the two, surprised that they were there, but mostly because I thought they were mad at me. Neither of them really spoke to me at the cookout.

“Hey Blair,” Zayn greeted with a smile. “Revising?”

I nodded slowly, still feeling rather taken aback and confused. “Yeah, uh, got finals coming up.”

“Don’t remind me,” Niall said to that. “I’ve been pretending I don’t have to take any.”

“Niall hasn’t done any revision,” Zayn told me matter of factly, as though that wasn’t surprising, which knowing Niall it really wasn’t.

“Who cares?” Niall shrugged before I could respond. “I’m graduating. What the fuck are they gonna do?”

“Withhold your diploma if you fail your courses.”

“I’m not going to fail,” Niall retorted quickly, though his expression did seem a bit fearful at Zayn’s warning. Zayn laughed at him before turning to look at me, his expression a lot softer. “You doing alright, Blair? Besides the revision and prep.”

I shrugged in response, not really sure how to respond to that. I was well aware they both knew everything that had been going on since my fight with Harry, so there was no point in sugarcoating any of it or acting like it wasn’t happening. Of course I wasn’t doing okay -- I felt like shit everyday. “I’ve been better,” I finally said.

Niall looked a bit somber then, his eyes more serious. “Have you spoken to Harry at all?”

“No,” I told him. “He doesn’t want to speak to me.” Before either of them could say anything, I spoke up again so that I could make sense of what they were doing here now considering the silence these past few days. “As far as I was aware, neither were you two. What changed?”

Both of them looked guilty at that, like they were regretful and unsure of how to really respond now that I’d called them out. It was Zayn who spoke up first to explain, though. “Harry’s our friend and we’re not saying that you aren’t, but we were upset that you hurt him. We never thought you’d do that.”

“It’s not like I wanted to,” I quickly defended myself. “I didn’t want to do any of that.”

“That’s not how Josh is saying it.” White, hot anger surged through me as I shut my textbook and put it aside. As if Josh hadn’t done enough damage. Now he was telling a different version of the story? Fucking tosser.

“Are you really going to listen to Josh when he came on to your best mate’s girlfriend? He doesn’t really seem like a top lad to put your faith into right now.”

“I know,” Niall said, his eyes wide and a bit alarmed at me snapping at him. “I know what happened, okay? Harry told us everything you told him. We honestly couldn’t believe Josh could do that since he was such a good friend of ours for years.”

“He’s a shit friend,” I told them angrily, my brows furrowed. Maybe none of us should have stopped Harry from beating the shit out of him that time. Maybe we should have let him continue till that bastard was in a coma or summat.

“Going back to what you were saying,” Zayn said then, snapping me out of my murderous thoughts. “We just weren’t sure what to do because we love Harry and we love you. You were both hurt, but we only heard Harry’s side of it at first and then Zoe and Layla spoke to us. They told us how you’ve been and -- everyone’s really worried about you, Blair. We’re worried about both of you.”

“He’s right,” Niall agreed. “Harry’s been looking like shit lately and all he does is get pissed when we go out. I haven’t seen him like this in my life, Blair." Niall paused for a moment, calculating his next few words as though he wasn't sure whether he should even say it or not. Finally, he looked me in the eyes. "Harry told me he loves you more than anything and he’s never been this hurt.”

“I love him more than anything, too," I immediately, replied back, fierce and earnest. "But he doesn’t believe me nor does he want to talk to me. I’m not quite sure what I’m meant to do about it. I just miss him and I don’t know. I don’t know.”

I was suddenly frantic and feeling like jumping out of my skin. Hearing about how Harry was doing and how sad he’d been -- all I wanted to do was to run to him and fall at his feet. I was ready to beg and do anything because I hated the sinking feeling inside of me. I hated feeling like the only thing holding the two of us together at the moment was a thin thread that was going to rip any second, like he could slip away from me and we wouldn’t be one anymore.

"Give it time, I'd assume," Zayn said answering what I’d said. "You can't force him to if he's not ready...and I'm sure he will be at some point. He's still trying to process this, but Harry probably has things to say. He won’t just leave you cold turkey."

"And he's only just stopped trying to kill Josh every time he sees him," Niall added. “It’s progress, I’d say.”

I frowned at him, concern and confusion etched on my face. I didn't think the two of them would still be fighting. I'd assumed it was just tense and awkward since that day, but nothing more. Niall laughed nervously, running a hand through his hair when he caught sight of me, realizing he probably shouldn’t have said that. "Harry doesn't stay at the frat house that much, but he stops by and if he sees Josh -- well let's just say he's tried to get a few more punches in. It’s like seeing Josh snaps something in him and he just goes at it -- no warning, nothing. Josh always has to be with a group of guys in case Harry pops out nowhere and gets him."

"Pansy arse wanker," Zayn chuckled amusingly.

“It’s kind of funny, actually if you think about it,” Niall said then. I arched an eyebrow at him curiously because what part of this was funny? Nothing, in my opinion. Niall grinned as he explained. “Well, you two are like Ross and Rachel. Except in this case -- you’re Ross and Harry’s Rachel, which works out great because that’s his favorite character. You’re both absolutely perfect together, but you have one fight because you’re jealous of someone else stealing Harry from you and then you go on a break after the fight and accidentally hook up with Josh and when you tell Harry, he’s upset and he tells you that you cheated. And you’re just like, we were on a break.” Niall paused for a moment before saying, “Okay, maybe not exactly like that, but pretty much.”

“Oh my god, Niall,” Zayn groaned despite smiling and kicking him with his feet as though it would make him stop talking. I was still frowning at the uncanny similarities that Niall pointed out that I didn’t notice Zayn turn to look at me. "Anyway, we're really sorry, Blair."

"We are,” Niall said. "We're really protective of our mates and Harry's one of our best. You know how he is. He's a lot more sensitive than he lets on and we were thinking we were looking out for him, but since the girls spoke to us, we realized that you’re upset, too. And we care. We care about you a lot and know you didn’t want to cheat on him."

"I didn't," I shook my head. "I don't have any feelings for Josh. I didn't want any of that to happen...it just got out of control."

"We know that. Josh is an annoying git," Niall said. "Forget him. Focus on yourself and Harry. Are you coming to the party this weekend? Maybe you could talk then."

With everything happening and my avid focus on my studies, I hadn't really thought of going to any parties. It seemed wrong to even think of doing that for some reason. And after the senior cookout, I didn't want to take the chance to go to a gathering again. Harry wasn't hooking up with other girls, but he wasn't being so warm and friendly either.

"I wasn't planning to, no," I replied finally.

"You have to," Niall frowned like it wasn’t the answer he was expecting. "It's the last big one till graduation. After this is finals and the frat's going to only have private events for members only like the senior send off and what not. This is your last chance."

"I don't know," I said with a shrug. "I'm not sure I'd feel all that great going. It feels weird."

"Blair," Niall said, grabbing my hand and looking me in the eyes with a serious expression. "Fuck this drama. Come out and enjoy. We're going to be graduating Uni soon and this is the last frat party all year. Actually -- last frat party ever in your life probably. You've been to almost all of them this past year and you have to come to the last one. It would be so messed up if you don’t -- for yourself and your friends."

Ugh. Fucking Niall and his smart logic. He not only just made a weird comparison of my love life with Friends, but now he was making me want to actually go to the party. It did seem sort of upsetting to think that this could be the last frat party ever after having gone to so many over the past year. I liked a good party and I didn’t want to look back in a couple of years and think I missed out on the very last one because I was brooding. It would be like leaving something unfinished or half arsed.

"Plus," Niall added for good measure. "We're doing a footie theme."

“It’s going to be massive,” Zayn said.

That got a small smile out of me, which had the two boys delighted and grinning at me. It was nice of them to be concerned about me and they were clearly making an effort. I'd feel bad to continue shunning everyone out and I also didn't want to miss out on these things because as Niall said -- it was the last frat party ever and I owed it to myself.

"Yeah, okay. I'll go," I said.

Niall pumped his fist in the air in victory and launched forward to pull me into a hug that had me toppling over on the grass with a laugh. 



Liv, Layla and Zoe were ecstatic once they’d heard I was going to the party. So much so, that they all literally dragged me out of my room the day before to go to a lingerie costume shop to pick up something to wear. I’d assumed we’d go in shorts and a jersey -- which wouldn’t have worked out because the only jersey I had was one of Harry’s and I wasn’t sure how well he’d react if I wore that. Instead, the girls and I picked out these cute white rompers that all matched. The only difference between our outfits was the color schemes. Mine was blue and red with a matching royal blue bra.

When we got to the party the next night, it was much more crowded than it usually was the other weekends, which wasn’t surprising seeing as how this was the very last one. The four of us weaved through the crowds, walking into the center room only to find Zayn and Liam having some lip synch rap battle to “Monster”.

“They would do this,” Layla commented with an amused expression as she rolled her eyes while we stood by to watch. Moments later Niall showed up, wrapping an arm around Layla and giving her a kiss on the cheek as a greeting.

“All good, guys?” he asked the rest of us.

“Peachy,” I replied.

“Just watching my boyfriend pretend he’s Nicki Minaj,” Zoe shrugged to Zayn’s rapping, making us laugh.

“Can you get us drinks, please?” Liv asked Niall with a bat of her lashes.

Niall flicked her on the nose once, to which she scowled, and nodded, giving Layla another kiss before walking over to the drinks table. He returned soon after with Louis in tow, who was helping him carry the drinks. Louis ended up being the one carrying mine and he gave me a smile before handing me the cup.

“It’s just beer,” Louis said as I took a sip, moving his fringe to the side because it was getting in his eyes. “I could go get you something else if you’d like.”

“Beer’s good,” I replied giving him a small smile back.

Louis nodded once, looking over at me curiously. “Are you doing alright? Haven’t seen you in a while.”

“I’m okay,” I said. “You?”

“Good,” Louis responded before licking over his lips a bit nervously. “Look, I spoke to the boys and they told me you’ve been really upset, which -- I get. I didn’t really think it through before holding a grudge, you know?”

“Yeah, I know. They mentioned you guys were just looking out for Harry.”

“We were,” Louis added. “I was hearing different things because Josh is saying it one way and you’re saying it another. And there’s Harry, who’s just so upset.”

Speaking of Harry, I started to wonder where he was because I hadn’t seen him at all since we’d arrived. My eyes started scanning the room, searching for his face, but he wasn’t anywhere in that room so maybe in another. Louis continued speaking after taking a quick sip from his drink. “Honestly, I know how you are and I know you wouldn’t intentionally hurt him. I’ve properly thought about it and I’ve spoken to Harry, too. He’s sort of on your side as well. We all are, Blair. It’s just a sticky situation.”

I nodded with a soft sigh. “I know I fucked up, but I was honest. I told Harry before Josh could and I know I should’ve done him better. Harry never deserved what I did and I can’t say sorry enough, but he won’t speak to me and Zayn told me to just give him time.”

Louis put an arm around me, pulling me in close. “Zayn’s right, but hey, listen...you deserve him, alright?” he said to me softly despite the loud music. “You love him and he loves you. Just figure your shit out soon, okay?” He grinned at me, trying to lighten up the mood and I nodded with a small smile.

“I do, yeah, I love him. Doesn’t believe me, though.”

“He will,” Louis confirmed confidently. “Just give him time and enjoy for now, yeah? Last party and all.”

“So, I’m being told,” I laughed.



From then on, I felt a lot lighter than I had since walking through the doors. I got such an unwelcoming vibe from the senior cookout that I genuinely did not want to go out to any social event. I had thought that if half of my friends weren’t speaking to me, then what was the point? The only thing that got me to come tonight at first was keeping Niall and Zayn’s word as well as the girls. Once Louis and I spoke, I felt better knowing that more people were on my side rather than listening to whatever bogus crap Josh was trying to feed them.

So, I listened to my friends. I finally let down my guard and let myself have fun after what felt like ages.

Once Zayn and Liam were done belting out “Monster”, the music changed to that new Rihanna tune and we joined Liam and Zayn on the dance floor. Halfway through, Liam came over, pulling me into a hug and kissing the top of my head, mouthing sorry to me. I grinned at him, pulling him in for another hug before dancing with him. And that was how the night progressed.

We drank and danced until we were tired from it, laughing about the stupid shapes each of us were pulling. For instance, at one point, Niall tried to twerk on Louis, but it was too cramped on the dance floor and he ended up flat on his face on the floor. Louis, Liam and Zayn were bowled over laughing. "Oh, no, Niall," they all cooed while helping him up.

However, throughout it all, I didn’t see Harry. He wasn’t in any of the rooms I walked through, so that either meant he was in his bedroom or the basement, which was where all the stoners lounged about, or the backyard. It was odd because all of his best mates were here and while he was friends with everybody around, it was unlike him to just be MIA the entire time.

I tried not to actively look for him because I was meant to be having fun, which I was, but I couldn’t help but think about Harry. I was always thinking about Harry. I was stuck between wanting to see him purely because I missed him, but also wanting to stay away because last time he saw me, he didn’t look too happy and it ruined everyone’s good moods. I didn’t want a repeat of that, so I stayed put and did my own thing.

After grabbing my third drink, I stood by the stairs leading to the second floor with Layla and Niall, who were making out beside me, and I couldn’t help but peer up, wondering if Harry was there. The lights were off, so I wasn’t able to see much, but it was worth a shot.

“Looking for someone?”

I visibly startled, almost spilling my drink over my cup before turning to see who it was, only to be met by Josh’s stupid mug. I was trying hard not to scowl, but failed because it was a bit hard to when he was standing there smiling like a prick. “What do you want?” I glared.

Josh looked surprised at my tone and response, furrowing his brows in confusion. “Are you upset with me?” he asked, like that was a shock to him. How thick was he? Unbelievable.  

“No shit, arsehole,” I snapped. “Honestly don’t know why you’re here talking to me. Leave me alone.”

“Well, I don’t know why you’re mad at me when I didn’t even tell Harry. That was you. So, excuse me if I didn’t expect you to be pissed at me. You were also the one kissing me back that day, so.”

I rolled my eyes. “If you honestly think that you’re in any way innocent regarding what happened that day then you’re sadly mistaken,” I said crossing my arms. “Coming onto a girl, who clearly has no feelings for you and never did for that matter, when she was upset and utterly drunk shows how much of a dick you are. That too, a girl who’s dating your frat brother. Shitty move.”

“Then how come you -- being in a relationship with my frat brother -- thought it was okay to kiss me?” he asked me back with narrowed eyes, leaving me speechless for a moment. He smirked with a pleased and smug expression at my reaction. “Besides, seeing how things have been going, I highly doubt he’s your boyfriend anymore. So, we might as well just finish what we had started.”

“You’re disgusting,” I said, wrinkling my nose at him while backing away.

Just as Josh was about to step forward and say something more, Harry appeared and stood between us so that I was blocked from Josh’s view. “Problem, Josh?” Harry asked, stepping forward, distancing Josh from me.

Josh let out a nervous chuckle and shook his head casually. “No problem, mate. Just chatting, innit Blair? A bit of banter, really.”

“Don’t fucking talk to her,” Harry said evenly, not a waver in his voice despite Josh’s friendly tone. He kept walking forward as he spoke while Josh walked backwards to get away from Harry. “I don’t know why the fact that she doesn’t want you doesn’t get through your thick skull, man. It’s so fucking sad. You’re pathetic.”

At that point, Josh was backed up against the wall with Harry towering over him due to their height difference. It didn’t look like Josh was going to say anything else because he kept looking around nervously and trying really hard not to maintain eye contact with Harry. It almost made me want to laugh out loud at how intimidated he looked. Josh was being so cocky and annoying, but as soon as Harry got there, his whole demeanor changed.

Harry found it funny, too, letting out a pitiful laugh. “I actually feel kind of bad for you. You’ve been chasing her for so long and she wants me -- she ended up with me. And you’re still out here trying to pretend like that isn’t the truth.” His expression turned more serious as he looked directly into Josh’s eyes then. “Listen because I won’t say this again. I don’t care what crush you have on her or what world you think she’d want you in, but stop. Leave her alone or I swear, I will keep my word and fucking kill you like I promised that day. Got it? Stay the fuck away from my girl.”

Harry stepped back away from Josh and turned to me. I’d been standing there so completely stunned at what just happened that I didn’t quite process what it meant that Harry came out here to defend me. He literally appeared out of thin air, for God’s sake. And he called me his girlfriend -- his girl. He was here and he didn’t completely hate me. Maybe he didn’t hate me at all.

I could feel myself having trouble breathing from how nervous I suddenly felt as Harry stepped closer to me, his brows pinched while taking one of my limp, useless hands into his. “Let’s go upstairs,” he whispered into my ear. I nodded quickly in response, only chancing one glance at Josh to see him stomping away with tight fists. It made me smile as I faced forward again and followed Harry up the stairs.

The loud voices and heavy thump of the bass from the music started becoming more and more distant as the two of us walked further down into the dark hallway. By the time we stopped in front of Harry’s door, all I could hear was the way my heart was beating loudly against my chest. His fingers had a firm grip on me as he unlocked the door with his other hand. Once he got it open, Harry turned to look at me, his face still stormy from his interaction with Josh, before gesturing for me to go in first.

I slowly walked in, looking around the messy room that was only lit up by the small lamp on Liam’s side. The beds were all undone with books and papers strewn about. And for a split second, I felt like this was any other day when I’d come to see Harry at this house. He’d greet me by opening the door with a sweet kiss and I’d walk in and the first thing I’d do was plop down on his bed face down and be hit with that familiar smell I’d grown so used to. However, when Harry clicked the door shut behind me and locked it, I was hit with memories from the last time I was there. There was screaming and shouting and crying and Harry was so mad. He was on the verge of breaking down everything in the room and I wondered what it meant that I was here now.

When I turned to look at him, I found Harry standing back against the door with his hands behind his back while his eyes shamelessly glided down my body. He hadn’t looked at me like that in so long that seeing him do it now sent a zip of determination and pleasure down my spine, like I’d almost forgotten how it was to have Harry look at me in that way. Gone was the stormy expression, instead replaced by something more fierce and longing. If I hadn’t known Harry as well as I did, I wouldn’t know what to do with the way he was looking at me because he was the kind of person that you’d want to impress or grab the attention of. Harry was enticing and so attentive and charming with everything he did. Having his attention made you feel like there was no else like you -- it made you feel special.  

“So...your girl, huh?” I asked him feeling a little brave.

Harry’s face twitched into something more confident. “My girl,” he confirmed swiftly without much thought before moving forward to close the space between us. Within seconds we were pressed against each other, my arms coming around to grip his broad shoulders while his looped around my waist. There was only a moment of hesitance where we moved to join our lips together, but paused shaking and breathing heavily before even doing anything. Harry’s forehead was pressed against mine and I let out a small noise of protest, wanting to have his mouth on me already, and he must have sensed it because that was when he pressed his lips against mine in a heated kiss.  

It was rough and desperate like we’d been starved of it all this time. Our lips parted instantly, tongues sliding in to have a taste after what felt like ages. I didn’t want to stop, even though I could feel Harry pushing me back down on the bed. I kept moving forward to keep his lips on mine while tangling my fingers in his hair, seeking purchase in holding him however way I could. Harry chuckled against my lips, finding this humorous, before finally setting me down on the bed while hovering over me. I frowned at Harry, finding it rather annoying that he found it funny, but he quieted me down with another kiss.

This time he didn’t break the kiss, letting it go on despite shuffling around until he was on his side facing me, holding himself up by his elbow. His hands cradled the side of my neck, tracing down my body before resting on my bum. I bit down on his lip in surprise when he gave it a squeeze, my eyes fluttering shut when another wave of arousal hit me. It had been so long since we’d done anything that any sort of attention he was giving me was turning me on. His hands stayed over my bum for a while, his fingers scratching softly over the bare flesh that was exposed from the romper.

When Harry’s hands glided down to the underside of my thigh, he lifted it up so that my leg was resting atop his waist. I let out a soft, keening noise against his mouth at the thought of how close we were. I was about three seconds away from moving up into him, but a part of me also wanted to take this slow. I wanted to kiss Harry for an hour before doing anything else. I wanted to touch him and wanted him to touch me for another two hours before we did anything more. And when he was finally inside of me, I wanted him to stay there for as long as he could -- fuck, forever if he could.

It’s just -- I knew Harry doubted how I felt for him. I knew he thought that I didn’t love him when I did so fucking much. And if me saying it wouldn’t do it, I could always show him. You didn’t always have to tell people you love them for them to know because it can be done through actions as well. This was the first time since I told Harry those three words when he wasn’t pushing me away and I wasn’t going to let it slip out now.

So, I slowed down the kisses, letting our lips brush against one another more gently. I got reacquainted with Harry’s taste like it never left and let his hands wander wherever they pleased while my hands played with the curls by his neck and caressed his sharp jaw. Harry also seemed to be enjoying the pace we were going at, not rushing anything I was doing until his hand, which was trailing down my neck and over my breasts, suddenly stopped. He broke the kiss softly, breathing heavily while staring down at me with dark eyes. His lips were so red and swollen that it only made me want to kiss them more until they felt numb.

“You’re so fucking hot, B,” he breathed out, voice raspy and gravelly as his eyes roamed over my body lying beneath him.

Harry bent his head down before I could say something back, peppering soft kisses down my jaw and to my neck. I tilted my head to the side to give him more access once I felt him bite down, breaking the skin and sucking till it bruised. Meanwhile, Harry’s hands squeezed over my bra, cupping them in his hand before moving up to the sleeves of the romper. He slid one sleeve down, raising his head up, and looking at me with a cute, confused expression.

I burst out in giggles once his hands started roaming around the back to feel for a zipper or something to take it off. “It doesn’t have any of that,” I told him. “I slid it on.”

“How the fuck did you do that?” he asked, pushing himself up into a sitting position so that I could take the romper off.

“It’s got an open top, that’s how,” I said, pulling the sleeves down until they were down by my waist before pulling it out through my legs. Once I was down to my bra and pants, Harry raised his eyebrows at me, smirking while letting his eyes roam over my bare body again. It brought a slight blush on my cheeks as I felt them warming up. I smiled shyly tugging on the hem of his shirt. “Take your top off, too.”

“Demanding,” he commented teasingly despite listening and tugging on the fabric from his back before pulling it over his head.

“Just a tad bit eager,” I replied honestly.

“Yeah?” he asked with a crooked smirk.

I nodded my head once, letting him lie me down on my back again. Harry swooped down immediately, kissing my lips for a moment before kissing my neck again. I felt him suck another bruise there -- and then again as he trailed kisses down my torso. It wasn’t unlike Harry to leave love bites. He did it quite often, but not this many at once. The foreplay was never this centered around it, but I enjoyed how slow we were taking it and if he wanted to mark me up, I wasn’t going to stop him.

When Harry pulled away from the pink bruise he left on my collarbone, he stared down at my chest before meeting my gaze with his forest green eyes. He kissed over the swell of my breast softly while tugging the strap down until my nipple was exposed. Harry trailed soft, wet kisses all over it until he reached over my hardened bud and massaged it gently between his teeth. I let out soft moans of approval as pleasure shot to the pit of my stomach. Eventually, he released it from between his teeth and continued to move down my stomach. I let out a soft gasp when he bit down on some skin, pulling on his hair as he sucked a bruise there, too.

Once Harry was satisfied with the size and depth of it, he licked over it softly before continuing to move down my body, leaving more soft kisses and hard bruises as he went. It was strange because Harry was never this attentive with love bites, but it was oddly turning me on more than it should have. While leaving one below my navel, he lapped his tongue over my belly button, making me squirm from how ticklish that made me. Harry grinned while moving so he was properly sat between my legs, spreading them apart and pulling my knickers down my legs.

I was so distracted by how sensitive my entire body felt that I didn’t notice when Harry pressed two of his fingers on me, slowly sliding them down. My eyes shot open immediately and I almost closed my legs in from surprise, but held myself back last minute as Harry looked up at me through his lashes, his fingers continuing to tease with how gently he was prodding them. I was half aware that I was panting already and probably making some sort of keening, desperate noise, but I couldn’t hear it over Harry’s next few words.

“You’re so fucking wet,” he whispered to me. “Practically dripping and we haven’t even done anything yet.” I let out a choked moan as my head hit back on the pillow, trying to be as quiet as possible while Harry started moving his fingers a bit faster. He was baring his weight on one of my legs so that I’d stop squirming while slipping a finger inside of me. “Did Josh get you this wet? Did he turn you on like this?”

While I hated hearing even the sound of Josh’s name at a time like this, I almost felt like I had to convince Harry how much I didn’t want Josh. I wanted him to know how kissing him and being with him felt so unbelievably wrong because this was right. Everything was right with Harry. When I met Harry’s eyes again, he was staring at me intently, finger pumping in and out while he bit down on his lip, his face inches away from my clit. I shook my head at him.

“It was never good with Josh,” I replied back. “Only ever get like this with you.”

Harry didn’t say anything. He didn’t smile or give me any sort of indication as to what was going through his head. What he did instead was look down and flatten his tongue against me, licking a long stripe exactly where I needed him to. It was almost too much at once with his finger inside of me, flicking over a spot that sent waves of pleasure to my core while also eating me out like he was dying to do it. I could feel myself close to coming already having been teased for so long, but I didn’t want it to end that quick.

“‘M gonna come,” I mumbled out through harsh breaths and soft moans.

I was hoping it would make Harry slow down, but it only made him speed up. He put in another finger while also letting his tongue slide further down until he pushed it inside alongside his fingers. Fuck. There was a reason why Harry’s mouth was one of my favorite parts about him and this was one of the reasons. When he wouldn’t relent, instead expertly curling his tongue and doing things with it that was making me grow warmer and louder every second; I started to let go, not being able to help myself any longer. I came with a slight jolt and my eyes shut tight, body arching up while his name slipped off my tongue over and over again.

When I opened my eyes again, bleary and a little exhausted albeit sated, I peered down at Harry, who was pressing kisses with wet lips on the inside of my thighs, sucking another bruise or two. I started to string it together after that -- the way Harry defended me downstairs, how he called me his girl, brought me up here and marked me up over every inch of my skin while asking me those things about Josh -- Harry was feeling possessive and a bit jealous, too.

He had no reason to be. Absolutely none at all and I had no idea how to prove it to him because I was ready to give myself to him and him only. If only he knew and believed me.

“Think you can go again, baby?” Harry asked, leaving an open mouthed kiss on the skin next to my knee.

His voice snapped me out of my thoughts and I ran a hand down my already aching, exhausted body before nodding, “Yeah.” I would probably go another five times if he asked me at this point. The gentle kisses and term of endearment didn’t get past me, only made me preen a bit inside.

“Good,” he said, getting up onto his knees. I watched patiently as Harry tugged off his pants, pulling off his briefs with them and flinging them to the floor of the room carelessly. His long shaft was hard and curved upwards towards his stomach. There was precome dribbling off the top, leaking down and I suddenly felt myself more than ready to go again.

Harry hovered over me again, giving me a quick open-mouthed kiss on the lips before stroking a hand over his prick and situating himself between me. He leaned down, giving me another kiss and a playful bite on my jaw before slowly pushing in. I kissed him back, positioning my hips so that he could move more easily, and letting out occasional gasps and moans as he went in bit by bit. Once he was fully inside, he was breathing heavily against my mouth, rocking his hips tentatively.

“Feels so good,” he mumbled, pulling out a bit more before pushing in again.

“Yeah,” I whispered in agreement, letting out a moan when he thrust in a little harder this time around. Harry looked down at me, his eyes dark and a bit feral once he started to set a pace. It was quick, hard and on the rough side, which I didn’t mind, but couldn’t help but feel there was a reason behind it.

Harry wasn’t saying anything for a while, just pushing in and out of me while occasionally placing kisses across my face or neck. When he hit a certain sensitive spot, I let out a whimper, which ended up being a lot louder than intended, but only spurred Harry on to make me do it again. He continued to hit that same spot, watching me scrunch up my face in pleasure as Harry stared back at me.

“I know how to fuck you, don’t I?” he asked me, voice deep and almost a bit angry. “Know how to fuck you better than you’ve ever been fucked by anyone else in your entire life.”

I nodded my head quickly, despite frowning at his words because I wasn’t sure what he was trying to say. What he said wasn’t a lie -- I hadn’t ever slept with someone who made me come apart like Harry did. However, neither of us had to say it out loud because we both knew it, anyway. But Harry kept going.

“Do you think Josh can give it to you like this? Do you think he can give you what you need? Think he can fuck you like I can, B?”

“No,” I said to him, voice loud and clear despite being a little shaky. I pulled him down until his face was inches from mine, bumping our noses against one another gently in contrast to our hard thrusts. “No one knows me like you -- no one can fuck me like you do, either. It’s only you, Harry. I swear. Only you.”

Our lips met in a heated snog, wet and desperate while Harry continued to move in and out me. The bed started to squeak loudly from the weight of the two of us, intermingling with the noises slipping past our lips. Harry broke the kiss, his head moving to rest in the crook of my shoulder while I held onto him tightly in a hug.

Something caught my eye then -- something that I hadn’t noticed when I walked into the room. Harry’s tack board, which held random notes and pictures that he had pinned up on the wall, was still there. When I’d first seen it, he’d put a picture of me up there -- and that picture was still there. The sight of it made my heart seize in a relieving way. Things had gotten so bad between us that I wasn’t sure we’d make it. I wasn’t sure what would happen to us, but seeing that he still had a picture of me in his room made me realize there was still hope.

That Harry might still love me.

I closed my eyes, wrapping my arms tightly around him as though it would be enough to keep him there. “I’m all yours, Harry,” I said to him. “All yours and no one else’s. That won’t change.”

Harry was quiet for a moment, his movements slowing down a bit. I was close to wondering whether or not he’d heard me, but then he rocked down into me quickly again. “All mine,” he said back.

We both came soon after, whispering things to each other while panting. Words like mine and yours were repeated so many times, I hoped Harry finally believed me -- that I love him and I definitely wasn’t going anywhere as long as he’d have me.