Breathe

There was something bittersweet about waking up on the day of graduation.

I was happy and excited, but sad and nostalgic at the same time. I’d looked forward to this day for a long time, even keeping a countdown going on my calendar, and yet I dreaded it for the last couple of weeks. And now it was here -- it was always going to be here, but this was it. It was funny, too, because when you looked forward to something so much and it finally happened -- you weren’t quite sure what to do.

I lied in bed for a long time that morning wondering if now was when I was meant to look back at my year and reminisce about everything that happened, but I didn’t quite know where to start. There was a lot to remember when you experienced one of the best years of your life; especially when it felt like it went by too quickly. Every single moment from morning to evening was ingrained into my mind.

The classes, the parties, the coffee runs, the scavenger hunt, the nights in, the nights out, and everything in between. I wondered if back then while I was living through those moments I knew that I was having some of the best times of my life. There was this quote on the very last episode of The Office where the character Andy had said, “I wish there was a way to know that you were in the good old days before you’ve actually left them.” I couldn’t agree more.

I also couldn’t help but think about the fact that my life as I knew it these past nine months was going to come to an end after today. We were all going to move out of our flats -- some for good and some temporarily -- to go home before venturing out into the real world. None of my friends were going to be available within a phone call and we weren’t going to see each other every day. Everyone was going to go off and do their own thing -- find their footing and venture out into new journeys on their own, including me.

Graduation was just the first step for all of us on that new journey.



Throughout the morning, Liv and I scrambled around our flat, getting dressed for the ceremony while bumping “Long Live” by Taylor Swift on our speakers. Our parents arrived a little before noon and it was insane the amount of people that were there. There were my parents, Leah and Jamie, and then there were Liv’s parents, her brother Andrew, his wife Claire, and their three kids, who were jumping around on both our beds no matter how many times everyone told them not to. It was absolute chaos and I wasn’t quite sure how to handle the fact that time just never fucking stopped for a moment to let me breathe, especially today.

“I need a fucking drink,” I said, after having ushered one of Liv’s nephews out of my room. Leah was sat on my bed and touching up her makeup whilst making pouty faces to test out the new lipstick I’d bought.

“Didn’t someone bring champagne?” she asked me, not looking up from her compact mirror.

“I need something stronger,” I mumbled, slumping down on my desk chair.

Leah looked over at me then, assessing my state for a moment before turning away. “You’ve been doing alright? Since -- you know...the break up?”

I shrugged awkwardly, not knowing how to respond. I had called my parents a few days ago and was chatting with them about finals and what not when they mentioned Harry, asking me how he and I were doing. I’d told them then that Harry and I’d broken up even though it was hard to think about the fact that this was news I was going to have to break to people. Then Leah found out through my parents and it was weird because she and I hardly ever talked about boys to this depth. Growing up, due to our ten year age difference, we hadn’t had much room to bond other than when I hit my teens, and even then I felt awkward telling her much. She was always a decade ahead of me.

“I guess so,” I eventually said. “I’m not really sure. I’m just sort of taking every day as it comes. I’ve not really seen him for the past two or three days. Kind of been holed up in the flat. Liv told me to have a proper wallow session once we were done with finals. She provided me with a supply of my favorite ice cream and made me listen to her Taylor Swift breakup playlist on a loop.”

Leah laughed at that. “Liv would do that, but hey, as long as it worked.”

“It was good,” I agreed with a sheepish smile. “Taylor Swift is therapeutic and knows what she’s talking about.”

“Did I hear Taylor Swift?” Liv grinned, walking into my room with her gown on and everything.

“Blair was telling me about the playlist you made her,” Leah responded, finally closing her mirror and packing away her makeup.

Liv’s eyes widened in realization. “Oh, right. The breakup mix. And it helped -- there’s nothing a little Taylor Swift can’t fix.”

“Why are you already dressed in your gown?” I asked, instead, changing the topic. “The ceremony isn’t for another two hours.”

“Everyone’s taking pictures out there,” she told me. “They sent me in here to tell you to put on your gown so we can take a few pictures here and then some downstairs and then some on the way and then some at school.”

I groaned in a suffering manner, letting my head hit my desk. “I don’t want to graduate. I’m not ready,” I whined, just as the two of them pulled me to my feet.

“Well, ready or not,” Liv said as we walked out to our families, “We’re graduating today.”



After taking copious amounts of pictures with our families in all different settings while going to school for the ceremony, Liv and I walked to the basement of the stadium, where we were supposed to sit, while everyone else went to the stands to grab a seat. We found the others sat around a deserted hallway, caps and gowns on. Zoe, on the other hand, was out of her gown, having Zayn take pictures of her with her hat on. It was oddly cute and made me smile as we approached them.

“Hi,” they chorused to us in greeting.

“Hi,” Liv said back, while I waved lamely.

There was something sad in the air as opposed to the usual fun energy that surrounded us. It seemed like none of us were quite ready for today -- not ready for any of it to be over at all. That was to be expected, though. When you were too busy having a good time, you didn’t really think about the ending no matter how quickly it was all happening. None of us were bouncing off the walls, having the time of our lives like we had been a few nights back. Instead, it felt much more somber and reflective of the finality of it all.

I found Harry looking at me as I walked over, giving me a soft smile, which I returned. I then found a seat beside Louis, which was directly across from Harry, and tried not to look over at him, but did notice that his phone, which was unlocked, still had that picture of us on it. I could tell because the color of Harry’s bright red snapback was visible along with the white top I had been wearing in that picture. I looked away before he could catch me and wondered why he hadn’t changed it yet. It could be that he didn’t realize it was still a picture of us because often times our phone backgrounds weren’t really something we paid attention to since it was easy to ignore behind all the apps.

Whatever the reason was, it didn’t change our relationship status. We hadn’t exactly spoken since that last night at the bar, but I was sure he either forgot what happened or didn’t want to acknowledge it because he hadn’t reached out or said anything to me since then. There was no answer as to why Harry was trying so hard to be with me, touching me and kissing me, when he was the one that ended our relationship. It was confusing and I was a little peeved about it, but I still wanted to know how he was doing despite all that. I wanted to ask how he was feeling -- whether he was excited or sad about today.

Before I could pluck up the courage to do so, Louis slung an arm around me, addressing the group at large. “We ready to do this, guys?” he asked with a small smile.

“I think so,” Zoe said, coming over to sit with us, Zayn following close behind.

“Besides, regardless of if we’re ready or not, we kind of have to, don’t we?” Zayn asked him.  

“That’s true,” Louis nodded, his smile turning a bit sad. “Feels strange is all. We’re saying goodbye to these halls and the classes and this fucking football field where we destroyed each and every game and getting trashed on weekends and some weekdays, and we’re exchanging it all for actual adult jobs and paying taxes and only meeting every few weeks.”

Fuck. Louis wasn’t holding back. He was only making me sadder and I wondered if anyone else felt the same.

“Aww,” Liam cooed then, grinning at Louis. “You’ve always had a case of Peter Pan, Lou, but never this bad.”

“Shut up,” Louis whined, embarrassed, despite his grin as I smiled and turned in his arms for a hug. I wanted Louis to know that he wasn’t alone -- it was weird for all of us. It felt good that someone was actually vocalizing what I was too scared to say because most of us did want to leave. It was just daunting to think about the fact that the routine we’d become so used to over the last fifteen and sixteen years was going to change into something entirely different. There was nothing wrong with being scared of change.

“You’ve got a point, Lou, but doesn’t mean we’ll hate the sudden change or never see each other again. It just won’t be like before...it’ll be an adjustment,” Harry pointed out, speaking up.

“Harry’s right,” Liv said, agreeing. “We’ll see each other tons. Plus, we still have the summer to look forward to. The future’s bright for all of us, guys, and it’s fucking exciting.”

“That’s sweet, Liv,” I gushed, which she smiled to.

“Yeah,” Niall nodded with a thoughtful look in his eye. “I kind of like that. I mean -- I’m both excited and scared, you know? And while we’re sad, we’re also happy.”

“Of course,” Liam said. “It’s natural to be. I am, too. So, it’s best if we get rid of these nerves together and look forward to everything.”

“What’s everyone’s plans for the summer then? Lay it out,” Liv asked everyone then.

We went around the group after that, talking about what each of us had going on during the summer. Most of us were going to go back home, but return date was different for everyone. Louis and Niall were headed back early June. Harry was still undecided. Liv was coming in late June, same with Liam and me. Zayn and Zoe were going on a trip with Zayn’s family and wouldn’t be back until July. We took into account that while Layla was off graduating at her Uni, she was going to go back home and come back early June to be with Niall.

And then there was Leed’s Festival in August, which we all still wanted to go to. Once we figured out everyone’s plans, I felt slightly better. It wasn’t like we wouldn’t be seeing each other at all, but it just wasn’t going to be as frequently as it was all these past few months. And that was fine -- that was a change I could slowly get used to. It suddenly wasn’t as scary with the time ticking away on us. I felt more at ease knowing everyone was just as scared, but also excited for what was to come.

When the announcement came for all graduates to start forming a line to walk out to the front, we all got up, quietly.

“Alright, guys,” Niall grinned. “Let’s pull it in. Group hug and then head out there and fuck it up.”

We all laughed before moving into the biggest group hug I’d ever been a part of. I let myself melt into it, smiling happily with the comforting arms of the best group of friends I was ever going to have.



The actual graduation ceremony was slightly boring and halfway through, I was getting jittery and restless in my seat to just get it over with. There were a few speeches, all super long, but inspirational, and then they called up everyone by their names in alphabetical order. Niall was the first to go up while Liv was one of the last, the rest of us somewhere in between. After the ceremony ended, we all turned our tassels over to the other side and that was when the crowd went wild. Students and parents were cheering up on their feet, confetti in the air, and I couldn’t help the massive grin on my face, either, as I ran over to my parents.

We all hugged, everyone congratulating me while my Dad filmed us on his new iPhone that he was just recently getting the hang of. After the initial round of pictures with them, I looked around for my friends, finding Zoe stood with some of the boys and soon joined by the rest. Our families took several photos of us in various poses and expressions before we all dispersed again.

“How’re you feeling?” My Dad asked, putting an arm around me as we found a shady spot under a tree.

“Good,” I replied with a smile. “I think. I don’t know -- it’s kind of crazy. I can’t believe I’m done is all.”

“Well, believe it, love,” he chuckled. “I knew you had it in you. I’m so proud of you, Blair.”

“Thanks, Dad,” I flushed, moving in to give him a warm hug.

“We’re all proud of you,” Mum added, joining in on the hug with Leah and Jamie. I was laughing, feeling a bit overwhelmed and slightly embarrassed as we pulled away. Leah then pulled out her phone, dialing a number, excusing herself as she went to go check on the reservations they’d made at a restaurant.

I looked around to pass the time, my eyes scanning the crowd and watching as everyone stood with their loved ones, smiling for their pictures. In the midst of the crowd, I spotted Harry, not standing too far with his own family. His graduation cap was threatening to fall off his head because of his big, curly hair and it made me smile without even realizing it. I thought back to a few months ago during my birthday when I wanted Harry to meet my family and how much they’d wanted to meet him, too. It was upsetting that that never got to happen, but if he was my friend, they should still be able to meet him. This would be the moment -- he was here and they were here. It only made sense.

Harry’s eyes soon wandered over to mine, smiling as our gazes locked. I couldn’t tell if he knew I was watching or what, but it made me smile, too. When he looked over at my family beside me, squinting against the sunlight, I watched him excuse himself from his parents and walk over to us. I couldn’t help the shy grin from spreading over my face, wondering if he had mind reading abilities. He was grinning now, too, his gown unzipped and sheer black shirt on display. I tried not to let my eyes linger too long on the tattoos on his torso or the abs of his stomach. Now was not the time.

“Hey,” he said with a small wave upon approaching us.

“Hi,” I giggled uncharacteristically. I was nervous and giddy -- sue me. I turned over to my family, all of whom were looking at us quite curiously, and introduced Harry, albeit a little awkwardly. “This is Harry. Harry, this is my Mum and Dad. And that’s Leah and Jamie.”

Harry grinned at them charmingly, his dimples sinking into his cheeks. “Hi. It’s so nice to meet you all,” he said, going around and giving a hug to my mum and sister, a friendly wave to Jamie and then firmly shaking my father’s hand. I couldn’t help but notice the way dad was watching Harry carefully, as though he was assessing him. Initially, when we had started dating, everyone had warmed up to Harry just at the mention of him, except for dad, so to see him look at Harry the way he was meant something. When Harry turned to look at me, his back to my dad, dad discreetly gave me a wink. I bit my lip, trying to suppress my laugh.

“Nice to meet you, too,” Mum smiled warmly at Harry. “Blair’s spoken so much about you...we sort of feel like we know you already.”

Harry laughed shyly, shooting me an amused look. “The feeling’s mutual,” he said. “I’m glad I got to finally meet you. I was a bit upset I couldn’t join you at the brunch.”

“No worries,” Leah smiled. “Thanks for coming over to introduce yourself.”

Harry gave her another polite smile, looking over at me for a moment. Dad cleared his throat then, looking at the others. “We’ll let you two talk for a moment,” he said. “I think we see someone we know, so we’ll just go on and say hi to them.”

“Sounds good,” I said, watching as my family walked over to Liv’s family, only to look over at us nosily. I rolled my eyes at them before turning back to Harry, who was standing with his hands clasped behind him. “Uh -- thanks for coming over to meet them.”

“I wanted to,” Harry replied. “They’re nice. Wish I could have met them better, but I’ve gotta get going soon.”

“Oh -- uh, where are you going?” I asked, curiously.

“Back home,” Harry answered.

I frowned in slight confusion. “So soon?”

“Yeah,” he nodded, shrugging with one shoulder. “Mum’s planned a whole party back home and it’s tonight -- so we have to leave right away.”

“Oh...wow,” I said, letting out a breathy laugh. “Wow.”

“I know,” he said quietly, licking over his chapped lips. “Urm, I’m not sure when I’ll be back -- I think next month. We -- um.” He let out a nervous laugh. “Keep in touch?”

I nodded my head a few times, feeling a lot more awkward and nervous than this called for. We were friends, but why did it feel like I was starting all over? Like we were back to getting to know each other again even though I knew everything about Harry from what toothpaste he used to how big his dick was. “Sure, yeah. Text me or something.”

“Will do,” Harry replied with a small smile. “Oh, and congrats, yeah? We finally did it.”

I nodded uselessly, my throat feeling tight and my smile not quite meeting my eyes. It just felt weird...everything felt fucking weird because this couldn’t be it -- there was so much more to say, but I didn’t know where to start when he was standing there looking so perfect and out of reach and his family waiting on him to leave the city for who knows how long.

It all felt off putting and like things were constantly changing between us every single time we spoke. I wanted to drag Harry away, take his car and go to that coffee shop and tell him what was on my mind because it was always so easy but suddenly it wasn’t anymore. Suddenly, I couldn’t do that anymore because we were in this weird limbo between just friends and being in love with each other. I fucked it all up and there were so many things I wanted to apologize to him for -- all the pain we caused each other and everything that I might have said or done that hurt him. I wanted to tell him all the things I realized over the past days, like how much pressure I put on him regarding who he was at this school and I wanted to say sorry for getting angry at him for that because he couldn’t stop it. I was so, so sorry.

And I wanted to tell Harry that I would always love him because I grew so much with him in this one year than I had with any other boy. He helped me become who I was today -- had such a big hand in it and I wanted him to know that there would be a piece of him in me forever. I learned so much from and with him -- things that I was going to take with me for as long as I lived. That was something I was truly grateful and happy about. I didn’t know where this life would take us next and how and who we’d be to each other afterwards, but I wanted to wish him all the luck. I wanted Harry to know that he was always going to be a friend despite all of this. And that I hoped no matter where we were, he’d never forget everything we experienced together and meant to each other.

Instead, all that came out was a lame laugh and, “yeah, we did it. Congrats to you, too.”

Harry looked at me carefully before untangling his hands from behind and moving forward for a hug. I met him halfway, but even that felt off and incomplete just like this goodbye. His arms weren’t placed where they were meant to be and my arms weren’t hugging him tight enough and it was all wrong and too short.

Harry cleared his throat, giving me one last long look before walking back to his family, who were already on their way out. I stood there, watching them go before being bombarded by the loud cheers and hugs as Liv’s family and mine came walking back over to me with Liv in tow. I found myself pulling on a smile to appease them because everyone was in a good mood and it’d be terrible if I were the only one frowning. I was lucky to have such amazing people around me, but I still couldn’t help feeling like a piece of me left with Harry. 



For the next three days, Liv and I packed away most of our books and clothes, getting ready to head back home. Our apartment was going to be sublet for the month we were going to be gone to a student who was taking summer classes. After that, I was still unsure of what I was going to be doing. Liv was going to University of Law and would need the flat since it was close by. I, on the other hand, had to find a job as soon as possible and still didn’t know where to look. I didn’t even want to look at my CV because it was short and would probably get me nowhere, but those were worries for later times. For now, I just wanted to relax and clear my head for the summer.  

I spent most of my last day with Liv walking around campus, instead. We walked by all the bars, talked about all the stupid things that happened over the past year and all the fun times we had. It didn’t really feel like our last time even though it was. And it was strange because that was the only word to describe everything this past week. Really fucking strange. I was obviously going to miss this campus, all the days spent here, and all the memories made, but I was also going to miss who I was when it all happened. Because not only was I never going to get back those moments again, but I also wasn’t going to go back to who I was then, either.

Things changed and so did you, but life didn’t stop for anybody -- it kept going.

Going home was a whole other strange feeling because when I went home, it wasn’t strange at all. Nothing ever changed when I went home -- everything looked the same, felt the same, and even smelled the same. The only thing that changed was me.