Breathe

The trip to Leeds Festival was an approximate four hours drive, which we had initially wanted to do in one go, however, two and a half hours in, everyone started complaining about cramped legs and hungry stomachs. So, we all stopped at a cafeteria somewhere off the freeway in Grantham. The cafeteria was fairly big and filled with people, crowding in on small tables for four. In order to fit our group of ten, we pushed together three tables before getting in a long line to grab food from the buffet.  

Once I had a tray filled with an assortment of different foods, I sat at one end of our table, across from Niall and Layla. I’d just began eating when Harry pulled up the chair beside me, giving me a small, dimpled smile and digging into his food. I smiled back quickly, trying to tone it down and focus on the chicken and mashed potatoes on my plate, instead.

“Mate,” Niall said to Harry. “You’ve got to get Louis in your car. That arse won’t stop snoring. He snores over the music.”

Harry almost snorted, looking up at Niall from his food. “Have you tried turning the music up?”

“Of course,” Niall replied. “I know you had him in your car last time, but -- honestly, keep him there.” Niall turned to me. “Back me up on this, Blair.”

I blinked up at the two, not really knowing what to say, despite how Niall was right -- Louis did snore. Just like the last time we went to Leeds, we split the cars up with five people per car, one half in Harry’s, the other half in Zayn’s. I opted to sit in Zayn’s car this time, which really said something. Maybe not to everyone else, but it spoke volumes to Harry, who I’d actually been somewhat talking with since last month after our own personal road trip. With me sat Layla, Liam and Louis. The others opted for Harry.

“You’re both terrible,” Layla commented, instead. “Trading Louis along back and forth between the two of you like a pawn. He’s a person.”

“He’s a noisy person,” Niall told her. “I can’t do it, Layla. You hear him in the car, don’t you?”

“I’ll tell you what,” Harry said. “I’ll think about it and I’ll let you know after I’m done eating.”

Niall gave Harry a hard look before nodding his head slowly, like he was contemplating whether he should trust Harry or not and then deeming him worthy. These boys were ridiculous.

“So,” Harry spoke up again, looking at Layla and me. “How’s the moving going? Did you get everything in okay?”

Layla nodded with a smile. “Everything went smoothly with the movers. We just started decorating and will probably continue when we go back, but yeah, it’s so exciting.” She grinned at me, making me smile back. Weeks of flat hunting later, Layla stumbled across a three bedroom flat not far from where Liv and I lived, and quickly called the two of us saying that it was one of the most gorgeous places she’d seen thus far. Liv and I got curious and went to go see it with her soon after, only to fall in love with it ourselves. It took us about a week to come to the decision that instead of renewing our own lease, Liv and I would move in Layla.

Signing the new lease with the girls was exciting, but it also meant that even if that company in Manchester got back to me, I wouldn’t be able to say yes anymore. It was something I’d personally thought a lot about and something inside of me just kept pushing towards listening to Harry. While the prospect of starting new seemed nice, it also seemed a bit scary and daunting. I wasn’t sure if I was ready to leave everything behind me and move so far away from what became home for me. On the one hand, I didn’t want to leave this city for a boy, but I also didn’t want to listen to one and stay back as well. Finding this flat gave me that final push towards the direction of staying in the end because it was more than just about Harry -- it was about where I felt most at home.

With that being said, there wasn’t anyone more surprised and pleased as Harry was upon hearing this piece of news. It was Niall who had told him and prior to that, Harry and me hadn’t spoken since he dropped me off home that day when we returned from Holmes Chapel. As soon as Harry heard, he’d sent me a text with the stupid monkey hiding his eyes emoji. Since then, things slightly shifted between us. We didn’t really hang outside of group outings, but we spoke -- a lot. Harry texted me at least once a day and it was usually of the flirty caliber. I’d thought that maybe if I didn’t see him as much, whatever it was that we were doing would stop and we could be normal again, but it wasn’t. I’d found myself flirting back on the occasion, too, which led me to wonder why I was trying to fight all of this so much.

In my defense, I had every right to do so. Harry seemed to come in and out of my life and I didn’t understand how he wanted to be just friends when he behaved like we were more. It was like whiplash the amount of times we were friendly and then all of a sudden one of us gave in and we weren’t anymore. These inconsistencies and incoherencies were difficult, but I realized I only went along with it because I was still in love with Harry. No part of me had stopped and I wondered if Harry was faring the same way.  

“That’s great,” Harry said, looking over at me. “I’d love to come see.”

“It’s sick, mate,” Niall said through a mouth full of food. “They have a sick view from the balcony.”

“Gonna miss our old balcony, though,” I pouted.

“Me, too,” Harry mumbled only loud enough for me to hear and I widened my eyes at him. There was no way his comment was innocent -- he had to have been talking about all the times we got frisky there.

Instead of responding, I chose to stuff my face while taking out my phone and looking through my Instagram feed to see what was going on. Harry wasn’t going to get me so easily this time. I wanted him to show me that he cared and that this was going to go somewhere. I got so distracted and consumed by my phone, liking picture after picture that I didn’t notice Harry had hooked his foot on my chair and dragged me closer.

I was startled immediately, holding on to the table to keep myself steady, and then turned to Harry. He was smirking, mouth full of food, and so, so close to me. “What the fuck,” I muttered with a glare.

“What are you doing?” Harry asked, nosily, once he was done chewing.

“Instagram,” I said, noting how he still had his foot hooked around my chair. I sighed softly, taking my plate and pulling it closer so that I could eat. We didn't have much time left before we were heading back on the road again.  

“Oh yeah?” Harry asked, peering over my shoulder. I nodded in response and when I looked down at my screen with him, I almost cackled out loud. Of course -- of course it was displaying Kyle fucking Baker’s last post. This was really funny. I contained my laughter, though, trying to stay as calm as possible.

When I looked over at Harry, I saw his brows were furrowed as he stared at the picture of Kyle. It was a good selfie -- I was planning on giving it a like. Harry, on the other hand, was probably not down for that. “On to the next,” he said, scrolling upwards on the screen. I burst out laughing, not being able to help it anymore and Harry grinned, not looking the least bit apologetic.



“Where are we putting the tents?” Louis asked once we’d arrived to the campgrounds for the festival, leading the pack of us through the throngs of people. Some of them had just arrived like us and there were a lot of others who’d arrived long before and were already getting sloshed. It was exciting, really. There was a great vibe going, music playing somewhere in the distance and the smell of fresh weed and beer in the air. Seemed like the combination for a great weekend coming up.

Niall stepped forward once he found a clear spot for our four tents. “How about here? We just need to clear this place up a bit.” He kicked at the pinecones and branches before settling his tent bag down on the ground. The rest of us followed suit, putting down our things and getting ready to pitch up our tents.

“I’m on pine cone duty,” Louis immediately said.

“Is that a job?” Dylan asked him, arching her eyebrow suspiciously.

“It’s not,” Zayn replied. “He’s just a lazy dick.”

Louis shrugged, a devilish grin on his lips. “To be fair, whenever we do anything like this, I’m normally the one that pretends to be busy the whole time. I won’t even try to deny that.”

We snickered at the accuracy while Zayn hit Louis over the head with a instruction manual. I got down on the ground beside Liam, who was closest to me, to help pitch up the tent as he pulled out the instructions as well.

“The instructions are in Swedish,” Liam said after observing it for a moment and then looking up at everyone. “Who got Swedish tents?”

“We don’t need instructions, Liam,” Harry piped up, already at work with Niall beside him as they pulled out all the necessary parts for the tent. I ran a hand through my hair, trying not to let my eyes linger too long as I gave Harry a sneaky once over. He looked really good, was the thing. And he shouldn’t be -- not with a ratty, deep purple flannel that he cut the sleeves off of and barely buttoned up. Then again, you could give Harry a garbage bag and he’d still look hot.

Liam shrugged at that and started working through the tent with me. I helped as much as possible, handing Liam whatever he needed and reaching places he couldn’t from where he was. The rest of the group were doing as such, helping build the other two tents we brought, and there was loud chatter coming from where Niall and Harry were working, mostly from Niall, who was doubting their progression. Louis was the only one sat on a pull out chair, one leg over the other, trying to blend in with the background so we wouldn’t notice him. He occasionally spoke up to encourage us, complimenting our work, which got Layla peeved and she hit him on the head with one of the rods when he wasn’t looking.

“Oh, there we go,” Liam said once he and I were done. “We smashed it.”

“Same here,” Zayn said a few minutes later.

“Ditto,” Dylan added.

Niall and Harry both looked over from where they were stood with their unfinished tent and Louis cackled. “Liam and Blair really clocked it in about five minutes. You two suck.”

Liam smiled at me, giving me a high five before pulling me into a bear hug. Harry and Niall didn’t look amused, though. Harry grabbed Louis by the arms and tugged him forward to help them as well as Zayn. We all laughed the entire time, sitting around in a circle with a few cold beers that Layla popped out from the cooler, watching the four of them work on the tent. It was working well until Louis did something that made the whole tent topple down, tangling together and disassembling.

“Louis, you idiot,” Zayn yelled, his Yorkshire accent really pulling through with how angry he was.

“Right,” Louis said, assessing his mess with a calm tone. “I suppose you might not want my help anymore.”

“Oh, you’re helping, alright,” Harry said, grabbing Louis by the collar before he could go back to his chair.

After several more attempts, they finally got the last tent sorted. Louis was obviously taking all the credit, saying he did everything, which to an extent was true, but he wouldn’t have been able to had it not been for the others giving him instructions.

“Alright, who is sleeping where?” Liam asked, looking at all of us.

“Um, I’m going to be blunt and say that Layla and I need one tent,” Niall said, stepping forward. “We’re planning to shag, no shame in that, so one tent for us.”

“Got it,” Liam said, shuddering a bit at the honesty. “Who else?”

“Zoe and I don’t mind sharing,” Zayn said.

“I’ll bunk with you two,” Louis said then.

“So, then that leaves Dylan, Liv, Blair and Harry and me with two more tents,” Liam said, counting off with his fingers. No one spoke for a moment as we tried to figure out how to split up the rest of us.

“Well, I know I’m definitely bunking with Liv,” Dylan said.

“Okay…,” Liam said slowly, looking over at Harry, raising his eyebrow in question.

Harry looked thoughtful as he furrowed his brows, but then a slow smirk formed on his lips, and he swung his arm around my shoulder, pulling me towards a tent. Everyone started laughing, eyes wide as a few of them catcalled, too.

“Oh, no, no way am I bunking with those two if this is happening,” Liam said, shaking his head.

“We’re fine with you joining us,” Dylan said, laughing as she rubbed Liam’s head. “We won’t let you be exposed to their indecency.”

“No indecency,” I called back while Harry continued to pull me inside the tent, the two of us tumbling down on the sleeping bags. “Nothing’s going to happen.” The last part was shouted out while Harry laughed, zipping up the tent. I turned to look at Harry with an unamused expression. “You’re a menace.”

“It’s funny,” Harry laughed, lounging back on the sleeping back and stretching his limbs. “Besides, you do not want to share a tent with Liam. He takes up so much space. You’re good here with me.”

I shook my head at him disapprovingly despite the smile on my face. Harry’s laughter subsided and settled down into a peaceful smile. His arm came out to tug me beside him, not letting up until I was snuggled up with him.

“Don’t wanna sleep with anyone else,” he mumbled into my hair, his voice quiet as opposed to the chatter outside from our friends.

I couldn’t act too surprised with the events that were playing out because a part of me did know it’d end up happening. I wanted Harry -- wanted him so much and if he was going to let me be close, then I wasn’t going to stop him. Harry had a home in my heart, but it also felt like he’d started a fire in there, too. It lived inside me and though I tried to get rid of it, it was still there to this day.

Too often, you meet people who left an impact on your life only to leave. It was very rare that they stayed and that in itself was such a sad and awful truth -- that people you cared about, who left their fingerprints all over you, inevitably left, and you didn’t get to keep them forever.

I didn’t want Harry to be one of those people and if being just friends wasn’t working, I wanted to remind him that being together could.



Kendrick Lamar was rapping, “Backseat Freestyle”, in flesh in front of me and I was losing my mind.

My voice could be heard as one of the loudest in the crowd as we sang along to every word. The group of us ended up with a good spot, situated somewhere in the middle of the crowd next to Main Stage. Kendrick was the second to last artist to come out for tonight and the absolute best performance. So far, it’d been a good time and we were all having a complete blast. After we fixed up the tent, we headed out to grill some food and have drinks while mingling with who else was there. When the show started, everyone split off towards the different stages set up to see the acts.

Once Kendrick was done with the song, Liv flailed beside me, trying to get his attention. “Sing the “Bad Blood” remix,” she shouted over the crowd, again and again, making all of us laugh.

I turned to look over at my friends and say something only to find Harry right behind me standing with Liam and Louis, their snapbacks flipped backwards and a can of beer in their hands. Typical frat boys. They’d had some to drink from before, but I could tell from the pink splotches on Harry’s cheek that he was gone. His grin was wide and giddy, looking on at the stage as Kendrick started up the next song. Harry cheered, throwing his hand up before laughing and swaying goofily with the boys.

When Harry looked back at me, I realized I was staring and didn’t even notice. That tended to happen quite a lot. I broke into a grin and Harry smiled back at me. He moved forward to hold me around the waist, throwing his other hand up in the air and making me laugh harder. It felt like the night got infinitely better.  



On the second night, a few people around the campgrounds banded together and built a campfire, looking onto the stage. There were s’mores and drinks going around as All Time Low finished their set and Bastille got ready to go on. The vibe was great and we’d all spread apart and mingled a lot with the other people who were there. For the last half hour or so, I’d been talking to this couple, Hayden and Nicole, and their friend Zach, all of whom were from Leeds University and had known each other since they were babies. It was so endearing and I found myself laughing with them so hard, my stomach started hurting.

And if I wasn’t mistaken, Zach was into me if his long, lingering looks and flirty chat up lines were anything to go by. He was charming and I started to fall for it, giggling whenever he said something sweet to me. “So, how long are you guys planning to stay here?” Zach asked me, leaning close so that our shoulders brushed.

“I’m pretty sure we’re leaving on Monday morning,” I replied, playing with the tips of my hair. Camp showers were barely showers. My hair was sticky as fuck.

“So soon?” Nicole asked, a pout on her lips. “Was hoping you could stick around and we could go drinking at a few of our favorite spots and show you around.”

I nodded sadly. “I’d love to, but we’ve got all things to sort out when we get home. Adult things.” I wrinkled my nose in distaste, making Zach laugh as he watched me fondly. I gave him a small, shy smile. Zach was nice -- he really was, but I’d be kidding myself if I let this progress any further. “I’ll be right back,” I said to the three of them, standing up. They nodded and I picked up my beer off the ground and started walking around in search of a familiar face.

I spotted Harry sat alone a few feet away on a chair. He was looking right at me so I smiled and walked over. “Hi,” I said.

“Hey,” Harry said, extending his hand to me. It felt like deja vu as I easily took his hand, letting him pull me down on his lap.

“How are you?” I sighed, his arms coming around to hold my waist. “Having fun?”

“Loads of fun,” Harry said with a slow nod, his eyes glassy. “Are you having fun?”

“Yeah,” I giggled. “Bastille is amazing. Love this song.” I let my voice trail off as the two of us looked to the stage and watched the band play their song “Bad Blood”. It felt good -- way better than mingling with people I had just met or pretending like I wanted to be anywhere but here. I loved the feeling of being so close to Harry, hearing his heartbeat and smelling his smell while we watched a great band play over a campfire.

And I knew that nowadays it felt like things between us were only good for a few fleeting seconds, but I still welcomed any moment I could get with him. It scared me that whatever we were to each other wouldn’t last -- wouldn’t work -- and we’d have to say goodbye for real. It was a fear that came up a lot these past few weeks and it was something I’d feared before we’d officially broken up, too. What if Harry would up and leave or I would crack and not be able to do whatever it was that we were doing and we’d end things completely. Not friends, not romantic partners, nothing. We wouldn't see nor talk to each other and I wondered what I would do if that really happened.

Would Harry forget me? Would I forget him? I really hoped not. What we had -- have -- was too special and I wanted Harry to remember me even if we didn’t end up together in any way. I wanted him to remember all the good times, maybe even some of the bad, and keep it with him forever. I wanted him to remember this moment right now -- me sat on his lap like this while he held me. It would be a nice thing to remember when looking back because I knew I would.  

As Bastille finished their set with “Flaws”, I turned to look at Harry, and found his eyes already on me, searching my face while also looking down intently at my lips a few times. It felt almost like instinct how I lowered my head and met his lips in a soft kiss. A low groan escaped Harry’s lips, spurring me to deepen it a little more by parting my lips and allowing his tongue to slide in. His taste was familiar, something I’d grown so used to, his kisses warm and wet. The hand that wasn’t holding beer came around to tangle itself into Harry’s hair while his hands pressed over my bum.

I should have stopped it if I wanted to be sensible, however, there wasn’t a bone in my body that wanted me to. Harry and I were meant to be and I was hell-bent on reminding him of it.

We broke away, panting and breathless, and it felt too soon. I wanted to kiss Harry again and again and not feel guilty or ashamed about it after. I wanted to rewind back to a few months ago when things were okay and I didn’t have to second guess kissing the person I loved. Harry had his eyes closed and tipped his head forward, resting his forehead against mine.

While I wanted this all to be easy, it wasn’t. I slowly pulled away, picking myself off of Harry’s lap. He didn’t say anything, just looked deep in thought, offering me a meek smile as I turned away. I looked around the campfire to see if anyone noticed us or were too busy to look over. It seemed safe at first, but then I saw Dylan, Layla, Liv and Zoe all sat together, staring at us with alarmed expressions.

Shit.

They were going to want answers -- answers that I didn’t really have. I’d told them what happened back in June and then in July and while they weren’t happy about it, they understood that shit happened. Problem was that I’d said I was done with Harry and his stupid games, so for me to go and make out with him in front of everyone was counteractive. It was hypocritical, too.

I reluctantly walked over to them, plopping down on the ground, pulling my feet up to my chest. “Alright,” I muttered. “Lay it on me.” As soon as I said that, I regretted it. The four of them started talking all at once, making me want to get back up and walk the fuck away so I didn’t have to answer any of what they were asking or saying.

“What do you think you’re doing?”

“That is so stupid of you, Blair.”

“I can’t believe you just did that.”

“Are you even thinking straight? Are you drunk?”

“Were his hands in your pants or was that a trick of the eye?”

“Were you going to do it on the chair because it sure looked like it?”

“Enough,” I cried, looking at all four of them in exasperation. “I -- I don’t know, okay? Just...it just happened. I don’t know.”

“That’s what your are said last time,” Layla replied with a bored look. “Maybe it’s not just happening, maybe you want it to.”

“I’m starting to think it’s different this time,” I agreed with a small voice.

Liv looked at me, her eyes downturned in a sad way, like she wasn’t convinced. “What’s different?”

“The fact that maybe all that’s been happening this summer is only because we’re not meant to be just friends and it was the universe’s way of telling us. Like, every single time we’d met, something or another happened, and I think it’s time I stopped denying Harry’s signs and just went with it. I want to say how I feel and get him back.”

“What about the fact that he keeps stepping back every time?” Liv reminded me. “He pushes you away and then tries to get you back. He’s a mess, Blair. He doesn’t know what he wants. It’s like you’re a pawn in his game and he’s changing the rules everyday.”

“Maybe I need to remind him,” I insisted. “Maybe -- maybe he’s waiting for me to come out and say something about it. Something more because maybe he doesn’t know what I want, either.”

The girls were silent, the music and laughter continuing on in front of us, as they pondered over my words. “As long as you’re being careful about it,” Dylan said eventually. “I personally think you’ve been pretty obvious, but I don’t know as much about the situation as you, so please be careful.”

“I agree,” Zoe added. “You’ve got a lot to think about and I can’t understand how hard it’s been for you, but you’ve handled it really well. Just keep your head on straight and do what you can, love. Not much we can tell you because in the end, you’ll only listen to what your heart is telling you.”

Zoe had made a great point. No matter how conflicted you may be about something while asking others for help, you’ll only follow what your heart desired in the end.



It was the last night and the Wombats were killing it on stage. I was buzzed and high and a lot happy. I felt like my feet hadn’t stopped dancing for a moment. Halfway through the set, I felt someone come up behind me and I turned to see Zach from the other night.

“Zachary,” I beamed happily.

“Thought I lost you,” he smiled. “Where’ve you been? You disappeared last night.”

“Here,” I told him, still swaying with the music. “Just been around here. You enjoying the show?”

“Lots. Will enjoy it more now, yeah?”

I snickered, giving him a knowing look as he wrapped an arm around me. I let him and continued to dance and sing along. There was no reason I couldn’t dance with this completely nice guy. It wasn’t like I was going to be hooking up with him or anything. Zach held me through about two songs before I felt him move away. I turned to look to see what happened, only to be met with the sight of Harry stood beside Zach. Harry didn’t look too happy as the two of them exchanged some words. Zach eventually said one last thing and moved past the crowd to go to the other side.

“What happened to Zach?” I asked Harry while he took Zach’s place.

“He had to go,” Harry replied shortly, pulling me close to him. He was frowning still and I hated it, trying to smooth it out with my fingers. Harry continued to talk. “Why were you flirting with him?”

I rolled my eyes at Harry. He had to be kidding me. “I wasn’t flirting. I wasn’t even talking to him. We were dancing because in case you hadn’t noticed...there’s a concert going on.”

“That counts as flirting.”

“Oh, please. You’re jealous again,” I said bluntly with a dry laugh.

Harry was quiet, biting his lip for a moment, and then, “Yeah, so what if I am?”

I shook my head at him, scoffing softly. “So confusing,” I told him. “You’re honestly just so confusing.”

I tugged him down by his t-shirt to pull him into a heated kiss, other hand pulling at his hair. Harry whimpered in shock for a moment before looping his arms around my waist and pulling me close.



“You close, baby?” Harry breathed out, panting into my neck, making the spot wet and warm.

Harry’s hips were rocking into me, my legs clasped tight around his waist while our hands, which were tangled and entwined, were held securely above my head. The two of us had somehow made our way back to our tent barely able to keep our hands off of each other. As soon as we were inside, Harry wasted no time in ripping off our clothes and shoving his face between my legs. That was an hour ago and since then we’d been having the most intense sex. Our skin was shining with sweat due to the heat of the outdoors and the close quarters of the tent, making it feel much more passionate and hot.

I nodded my head in response to Harry’s question, letting him quicken the pace and circle his hips in motion. There were so many different emotions and feelings going through me that with the added pleasure of sex, I felt like I was going to pass out. This entire weekend had been a whirlwind of Harry and my feelings for him, which I had so desperately tried to ignore despite this entire summer, and the reality of it that all my friends reminded me of. I felt like if I didn’t say anything tonight, I’d not be able to do any of this any longer.

Harry had broken up with me because he thought that being in a relationship would cause us to get into more fights and end not only our relationship, but eventually our friendship, too. That was what Harry wanted to save, but he wasn’t being a friend. Friends didn’t fuck each other, which was exactly what we’d been doing this entire summer. I didn’t regret any of it and I knew that Harry didn’t either, so then what were we waiting for? All of our friends were right. The two of us had to stop playing these games and ignoring what was staring at us in the face.

I didn’t want to be just friends with Harry anymore if this was how it was going to be all the time. I didn’t see him as just a friend no matter how much I tried because I loved him. I hated that I was only able to say he was truly mine in these moments every few weeks when we fall into each other and had sex. I wanted to be able to say he was mine all the time. I wanted to go back and be how we were before because I missed him. I missed touching him whenever I wanted, I missed seeing and talking to each other like we used to, I missed everything about what we were. There came a point after all this where Harry had to see through the sex.. We weren’t over each other if we were still seeking one another out in a crowd of people full of potential new beginnings.

I didn’t want anyone else but Harry. I wanted him all the time and no one else.

Harry’s lips found mine in a searing kiss, our heavy breathing and pants intertwined. When he thrusted in at a particularly good angle, I felt myself coming in soft moans, clenching around Harry, making him come as well soon after.

“Fuck, fuck,” he breathed out while mouthing along my neck. “Feel so good.”

“I love you,” I whispered, not missing the way Harry’s lips stilled against my skin. “I love you.”

Harry lifted his mouth off of me, sitting up with his palms flat on the ground on either side of my head. His eyes were wide and his lips parted in surprise.

“Harry -- I -- I love you,” I repeated, not able to help myself anymore. I had to say this -- had to say something because it couldn’t go on like this anymore. We were doing this whole thing wrong and Harry had to realize that.

It didn’t seem like Harry understood right away because once he pulled out of me, he awkwardly pushed himself further away, rifling through his bag. And even though I was sweating and felt so hot a minute ago, I was suddenly cold because that was how Harry was being now. I sat up, pulling my knees close to my chest while Harry pulled out a flannel and wet it with a water bottle to clean himself up.

“Do you need anything?” he asked me, finally breaking his silence.

“I need you to fucking talk to me,” I snapped, my words harsh and cutting. “Don’t ignore what I just said, Harry.”

“What do you want me to say?” he asked, his voice low and distant as he turned to face me. He looked irritated and yet like a little kid who was cornered. His question was also really unexpected because he knew what I wanted to him say; yet he wanted me to spell it out for him as though me putting myself out there wasn’t enough. I felt embarrassed and small and all I wanted was for Harry to rewind and go back to who he was before because I didn’t feel like I was talking to him anymore. I felt like I was talking to someone else entirely.

And everyone changed with time, I knew that, but when you lost someone that you loved, they changed without you. And that was when you start to wonder whether they were the same person you fell in love with or not. The more this happened, the more I wondered this about Harry because every time it felt like I was talking to a new person.

“If you have to ask me that then I don’t know what to say to you,” I said finally. “Why are you being like this? Why don’t you want to even talk about it?”

“You can’t even tell me what you want me to say,” Harry argued, his features hard and angry. “You can’t pull that shit on me out of nowhere and expect a heartfelt response.”

“Why not?” I asked him, glaring back. “You were able to say it four months ago. You said it all the time. In fact, you said it here in Leeds for the first time. Did you forget that?”

“That was when we were in a relationship. We’re not in a relationship anymore.”

“Yet you have no problem acting jealous and possessive whenever another guy even looks in my direction. Oh, and tell me this -- do you have sex with all of your friends or am I just a special one?”

Harry let out a dry, humorless laugh. “Oh, so, this is about the sex. Do you not want to sleep together anymore because if that’s the case then explain to me why you showed up at my bedroom back in June? Explain to me why you came dressed like that -- was it to impress another guy or are you just going to admit that it was to get to me back for kissing another girl? Explain to me why you kissed me back in July at the beach and then took me to my car to have sex in the backseat? Explain to me why you have not once stopped me from doing anything this past weekend with you? If you have such a problem with the sex then maybe you should rethink the signals you’re sending me.”

“Oh, sod off with talking about fucking signals because all you’ve been giving me are mixed signals,” I countered furiously. “All you’ve given me is false hope and I’m sick of it. I’m sick of you telling me we’re just friends when we aren’t. We can never be just fucking friends, Harry. I fucking love you and I know you never believed me, but I do. I do so much, I love you and I even love you now despite the fact that you’re acting like an absolute twat.”

The two of us were breathing heavy again, except this time from the screaming. I had no idea if anyone around us could hear, but with the music still playing in the distance, I highly doubted. It felt like we were completely far away in our own little world in that tiny tent. I felt absolutely drained of any energy and suffocated. This weekend had been a constant go, go, go mixed with heavy emotions. That added with the intense sex with Harry and this fight, I felt like I couldn’t move or breathe properly.

Harry was being terrible. The last time we fought like this was back in April and even then he wasn’t this nasty. It was naive of me to compare because times change and it seemed now that so did people with it. Things weren’t how they had been then. Back then all Harry did was make me happier than anyone or anything and while that is sometimes true now, he also made me sadder than anyone or anything.

“I don’t want to fight,” I said to him softly, my voice barely a whisper. “I just want to tell you how I feel and I want to talk about where we’re going and what we are.”

I looked at Harry for any sign of understanding. While his expression was still in a frown, he also wasn’t shouting or looking at me with anger in his eyes. He looked just as defeated as I felt. Realizing that he wasn’t going to say anything and that it had to be me, I continued.

“I don’t know if you still haven’t forgiven and forgotten what I did back then, but I’m done apologizing, Harry. I’m so done apologizing for something that was a mistake and that I’ve spent months feeling guilty over, that I’ve been shamed for, and that I never even wanted to happen in the first place. I was hurt and taken advantage of and yet I still apologized to you again and again and you told me it was fine, but I’m still not sure. I know what’s done is done and it’s in the past -- but I can’t fucking change it no matter how much I want to, so you need to accept it and move on because I can’t keep trying to make up for something that doesn’t define who I am. You know who I am!”

There were tear tracks on my cheeks by the time I was done. I was letting out tiny sobs while Harry sat there, looking pained and conflicted.

“You told me you wanted to be friends,” I said. “But even when we weren’t seeing each other we couldn’t stay just friends. You can’t stay friends with people you love -- you’re going to always want more. And I want more. Maybe this is blind optimism, but is it naive of me to say that I think you might, too? If you don’t -- like if you don’t know, then let me know. I don’t want you to keep doing this because it feels like you’re ripping my heart out and if that’s what love is, I don’t want it.”

Harry didn’t answer still, even with his expression softening.

“I don’t want false hope anymore if you’re only going to keep taking it away. I agree that I never once stopped you before when we did something, but that’s only because I wanted you. I wanted it every single time and I’ll want it tomorrow and every day after that because it’s you. I only want you, Harry, even though we’ve been broken up for months now. Things haven’t changed. You know for me that it’s always you and after all this I know for you, it’s always me, too.”

My voice was shaking and my eyes were stinging as I was pouring my heart out to Harry, hoping he’d say something, but he didn’t say a single word. There was nothing more disheartening than that -- knowing that no matter what I said or did, it didn’t make a difference because there was no response -- at least not the one I wanted. It was hard, but I knew I had to say what I did. When I sniffled and wiped at my cheeks, Harry looked up at me.

Our gazes met for a moment and I knew it was a lost cause. Harry had decided what he wanted last May and there was no changing it.

“I’m sorry,” he said at last, his voice breaking.

I watched in silence as he quietly put on his clothes and made his way out of the tent, zipping it up behind him. I pulled on my own clothes, too, my vision blurring from the fresh tears springing in my eyes. I turned over, grabbing whatever shirt I could find and pulling it on before lying down. I silently cried myself to sleep through the noise of the crowd, the loud bass of the music, and the beat of my heart thudding deeply against my chest.