Breathe

With September came rain, dreary, grey skies, and a looming bittersweet feeling over everyone because gone was sunshine and fun and games. We were all buckling down and finally getting serious about post grad life now that we were done with all the freedom of summer.

Liv, Layla and I’d finally finished completely moving into our new flat and it felt as homey as ever. The three of us decorated it to our hearts content, getting all kinds of cute things to hang and place around the flat, and even putting up a collage of pictures on a wall behind one of the couches. The pictures ranged from our days in primary and secondary school together to the last year of Uni, as well as summer. It was my favorite part of the flat and whenever I found myself passing by and looking at it, I felt waves of happiness, revisiting all those memories, but most of all, nostalgia.

Aside from the moving, Layla was now working full time at the Independent, chatting our ears off after work every day about all the different things going on around the world. Liv had started her bar exam training over at the University of Law. Zayn scored a small job at the bookstore near campus while working on some personal art pieces that he wanted to submit to a show sometime later on in the year. Louis got a job as the assistant of an assistant to a play director over in West End. Niall started up his internship at the Metropolis and constantly got to meet all these stars and get into all these private events. And Liam had bid us all goodbye when the month began before leaving for Crawley for his internship at Virgin Atlantic. We each hugged Liam for a full five minutes before letting go and making him promise to come visit in a few weeks, which he did.

As for me, I was still looking for a job while helping out my dad in his office in North London, which was an annoying commute and little to no pay. I was desperate at this point and had taken it when I realized that my job application process was going nowhere. It felt endless, the amount of applications I filled out every day, callbacks I got for interviews only to not hear from them for days. Liv told me that wasn’t unusual and that if I continued to try, then I’d get something eventually. So, I did.

I’d spend my days filing cabinets, making copies and asking if anyone needed coffee during conference calls. At night when I got home, I’d work on my applications until I literally couldn’t repeat what my experiences, strengths, or weaknesses were. It was frustrating and I definitely didn’t expect to be doing this for this long after graduating from Uni. Days where it got really hard made me wonder how much of a mistake it was to not aggressively check in with the company I interviewed with back in July in Manchester because they had been promising. They’d shown some definite interest in me, but I didn’t follow up with them or anything. It was utterly stupid of me now that I thought about it to have given up so quickly on that opportunity after Harry asked me to stay. However, it wasn’t all his fault -- there were times where I blamed myself, too, more so than him.

All in all, September wasn’t shaping up to be a great month.

Everything felt hard and difficult only because so much was changing, but I was still struggling with the same things that I’d been struggling with back in May -- I was still heartbroken and distraught about my breakup with Harry and I was still unemployed. I’d thought that as summer progressed, I’d have gotten some improvement in either of those areas, but I felt like I’d taken a few tentative steps forward and then several back. It was that and the feeling that I constantly needed to be going somewhere and doing something. Sitting idle and being bored with nothing to do only felt good when I actually had things to do.

I knew my end destination was a long way to go, but I’d hoped that I’d still be making positive strides towards it while also being happy because that was one of my end goals as well. I wanted to be happy -- I wanted to not be so upset over someone who kept hurting me and who I kept hurting and I wanted to be my old self again, but I was still trying to find it.

When I’d said as much to Liv, she told me something that I kept with me on the days when it felt like time wasn’t flying and I was stuck. She’d said that a lot of us were completely lost -- especially at this age -- and might not always know where we were going or who we completely were. That in itself was a state of mind and I was determined to move past it. 



I ran a hand through my hair, trying to dry off the bit of rain that had gotten on it during the walk over. I was just on my way back home from work when Harry had texted me for coffee and it started drizzling. It was really inconvenient since I’d stupidly forgotten my brolly this morning and hated getting wet from the rain.

I wasn’t quite sure what Harry wanted to talk about considering we hadn’t spoken a single word to each other since he’d crawled out of our tent that night in Leeds. I remembered crying myself to sleep only to wake up and find Layla spooning me from behind while Liv was on my other side, both holding me safely. I’d woken up in tears again, feeling overwhelmed by their love and broken from the night before. On the trip back home, I avoided Harry and he did the same to me.

That had been almost two weeks ago and since then I had been actively trying not to think about everything that had happened. I was upset with Harry and wanted something to change between us -- for the better. I didn’t want games, confusion or mixed signals and if Harry needed time to come to that conclusion then maybe this was good. I was curious to know what Harry wanted to meet me for and what he was going to say. I felt positive going into it and almost a little hopeful. What I’d last said to Harry before everything spoke volumes about how I felt about him and what I inevitably wanted. I was hoping that maybe he’d given it some thought and came to a sort of realization.

When I walked through the coffee shop doors and looked around, I’d realized that Harry and I had never actually sat down inside and spoke. It was always by his car or something. I spotted him sat in a small table in the corner by the window, staring down at his phone. Just the sight of him after all these days had my heart hammering in my chest. Harry looked just as good as he always did, wearing a worn, burgundy jumper and torn black jeans.

“Hi,” I said, approaching the table slowly.

Harry looked up, startled for a moment, before he smiled tentatively. “Hi,” he said as I took a seat in front of him. “You alright?”

I nodded, still feeling icky from the rain outside when I felt how wet my coat was; the rainwater was seeping into my skirt and I hated that. “Just got a bit wet out there. No biggie.”

“Did you -- did you come from work or something?” he asked, eyeing my outfit in curiosity. It was standard office clothes that I was required to wear, despite the fact that I was the temporary intern that did all the bitch work.

“Sort of,” I said. “I’m just helping my dad out at his office. It’s nothing official. I haven’t gotten a proper job yet, so.”

“I’m sure you’ll hear back from somewhere,” Harry said, encouragingly.

I shrugged lamely, giving him a meek smile because I’d heard that too many times now for me to take anybody seriously, even though I knew they meant it. “Let’s hope. How’s school going?”

“It’s good,” Harry said before coughing into his fist a few times and clearing his throat. He looked at me apologetically. “Sorry, I caught a bit of a cold.” He coughed again and I found myself getting worried. I hoped he wore something over his jumper because Harry was the worst when it came to properly bundling up when the weather got too cold. He was always walking around with thin jumpers and no coat on.

“You alright? Should I get you anything?” I asked him.

“I’m fine,” he said, coughing once more and giving me a smile. “Right, so yeah, school’s good. Feel’s a bit weird because I’m not used to this surrounding, but I quite like it. It’s different.”

“That’s great,” I responded. “Liv started, too, and she’s already crammed with her studying.”

“Wouldn’t expect anything less from Olivia,” Harry teased, smiling as he looked around the coffee shop. “Hey, I’ll go get us some coffees, yeah. Unless you’d like tea?”

“Coffee’s good,” I said.

Harry gave a quick nod before standing up and getting in the queue to order. I rubbed my cold palms together and let out a soft breath, wondering what the whole point of this meeting was. Small talk was done and over with. It felt odd to just talk about what we were up to when our last conversation was so loaded. I’d poured my fucking heart out to Harry and he’d left without a single word. That was completely uncalled for and yet there was a part of me that still hoped he’d do something -- that still had some sort of faith in him.

I just knew deep within me that Harry felt the same way and if we talked about it, something could be done. Maybe it was desperation from the few bad days I’d been having, but I wanted this more than anything. We could hash things out and start over -- maybe Harry could tell me what he couldn't back in the tent. This summer more than anything, despite all the fights and arguments, was eye opening. The two of us just didn’t work as friends because we were still in love and that had to be a good enough reason to get back together because I was still hoping it was going to be me and him in the end.

“Here’s your coffee,” Harry said, placing a cup in front of me, snapping me out of my thoughts.

“Thanks,” I said, wrapping my palms around the cup to warm them up. Harry sat back down across from me and sipped his coffee, looking out the window for a moment before turning back to me.

“You’re probably wondering why I called you out,” he said slowly, placing his coffee back on the table.

I nodded slowly, trying to decipher his tone.

“I had a lot of time to think after Leeds,” he started. “I mean, things have been sort of crazy with school and I have been busy, but I did think a lot about things -- about you mostly, us and everything, B. And at times, it felt so huge and overwhelming only because this is so important to me. I won’t try to hold back or beat around the bush -- just want to be completely honest with you.”

I nodded, “Yeah, okay.”

“Blair, I -- I’ve felt terrible every single day since Leeds...and maybe beyond that, too. I’ve felt terrible every time I fought with you or made you cry and I never want to do that again. And it took me this long to realize, in class during a lecture on criminal cases of all places, that I had to tell you. I need to explain to you because I couldn’t fucking go on like this -- with this weight on me about us.”

“Explain what to me?”  

“That I can’t -- like, I can’t do this anymore. I can’t go on with this physical ache and longing that I have for you. It’s so much all at once and I can’t do it.”

I was completely stunned, unable to form a complete coherent thought because what Harry was saying felt all too familiar.

“Before we’d broken up and were apart for a few days, I started to understand completely the intensity and level of my feelings for you...it was more than I thought or admitted to myself. I realized it went beyond anything that I’d felt for anyone in my entire life and that in itself is a bit terrifying. I’ve known you for about a year and yet you completely flipped over everything for me and hearing about the Josh thing was what made me realize that no feeling in this world could ever make me feel as broken as that one did. Because I felt so much for you and I’d thought you felt nothing -- that it was so easy for you to just give up and that hurt. I told you that this was something that I was struggling to move past and even though I couldn’t quite look at you that same way anymore didn’t mean I stopped loving you.

“I continued to love you despite the fact that you broke my heart and I wanted to remain friends because even if I was resenting you for cheating on me, I still didn’t want to let you go and that’s where I admit I come into fault. I was selfish, Blair. I -- I wanted you, but I couldn’t decide in what way. It’s probably not surprising to you, but I’m telling you anyway. All summer, I tried to figure out why it was so hard to be friends with you -- like, we were best friends before any of this and we should have been able to continue to be best friends, but maybe it was the fact that I still loved you. I couldn’t look at you and be near you without having you. You feel like home to me.”

I was gaping at Harry, feeling paralyzed, and not knowing how to follow up with anything he was saying. He looked down at the table, reaching over to place my hand in his and I held on.

“I know I can’t blame anyone but myself for how I treated you this past summer, but I wanted you to know that it was so difficult for me to differentiate how I was supposed to be acting. On one hand, I wanted to keep you around in my life forever and on the other, I was so besotted with you that I couldn’t tell left from right. I needed you and I don’t want you to think that I was trying to use you for anything, like your body or anything, because it went beyond that. Every single time that we were together last summer meant so much to me and I think after we’d cross our boundaries was when the realization would kick in that I was a fucking arsehole who couldn’t make up his mind and that wasn’t fair to you.

“It was mostly why I tried to keep to myself instead of reaching out to you beyond that. The few times we met felt so confusing and I -- I’m sorry. I’m so sorry, Blair. I was so out of line and that night at Leeds, I couldn’t stand myself. I hated myself so much for making you feel that way. I never wanted to put you in a position where I was the one who was hurting you and didn’t know how to help you. I don’t know if this all sounds like bullshit or not, but it’s true. And I’m sorry. Like I said, I’d spent a long time thinking about it and I don’t want to be selfish anymore...not when it comes to you.”

“How?” I asked him, my throat dry and raspy.

“I think that we shouldn’t see each other anymore -- at all,” Harry replied, his voice quiet and pained, making my heart drop to my stomach. His eyes were glassy, a soft hue of pink around the edges and his brows furrowed. Harry continued, despite not being able to meet my eyes. “Being friends is clearly not working if I can’t stay away from you or act like a proper friend. It’s only getting messier and I hate that. I hate that I’m hurting you.”

“Why -- why does it have to be all or nothing?” I asked. “Why can’t we work something out? Have you not yet -- are you still mad about Josh?”

“I’m not mad about Josh,” Harry said firmly, finally meeting my gaze. “It just feels insane to go back to that when so much happened. This goes beyond the Josh issue -- I feel like we don’t know how to be around each other anymore. You bring out the absolute best in me, but you also brought out the worst and I’m not blaming you. I didn’t know I could get that ugly, either.”

“I just -- I don’t understand,” I said, my voice shaking.

“I want to make things right for you -- want to do something good. I don’t know where we went wrong, but it feels like things kept getting worse one after another ever since we broke up. I don’t want to put you through anything anymore. I can’t even recognize myself when I’m around you and love’s not supposed to do that. You said it yourself. This isn’t what love is.”

“But I do…,” my voice trailed off along with what I was going to say, though I had a feeling Harry knew. I do love you.

“I do, too,” Harry said softly. “I’m sure that we’ll see each other, though, I’d prefer we didn’t. Just -- not for a while so we can get used to everything. And then maybe we’ll meet again when we’re a bit older and over this...when our minds are less muddled and we’re different and better, and actually know how we feel. Because like I said, Blair, you’re so special to me and we mean something to each other, right?”

I gave a small nod, still trying to keep up with the conversation.

“When things are better, we could meet and I’ll always still be right here for you and you’ll be there for me, too. Right now is just not a good time...we aren’t healthy for each other.”

Harry let his voice trail off and I knew he was waiting for me to say something. He’d said his piece and now it was my turn

And there were a million things I wanted to say obviously. I wanted to scream and shout and ask him why. Why did he feel like he needed to call me up again just to break up with me for a second time? Why was he telling me all these heartfelt words that he swore were honest and with good intention, but just felt so casually cruel? If he thought that his feelings were intense and that they ran deeper than he thought, then he should also understand that he changed me and made me different, only to say he wanted to walk away from it all. That wasn’t right -- it was unfair because what about my feelings for him? I loved him so much and wasn’t quite sure how to feel about this.

However, I was tired of fighting. I was tired of fighting about everything and I felt like there was nothing else I could do -- no more promises to make that could ruin us because that was all that they did. What Harry said was true -- the way that the two of us were when we’d first gotten together -- that was long gone and that magic was no longer there. It was tarnished by the things that happened from both ends and there was no point in sitting around and wondering whose fault it was or who did what. We were both at fault. And maybe Harry and I got lost in translation or maybe we asked for too much too soon. Maybe we were a masterpiece before we tore it all apart. And instead of fixing it, we both ran, scared that we’d lose each other, only to have it happen anyway.

“I understand,” I finally said, unclasping my hand from where Harry was holding it. “I agree.”

Harry nodded sadly, his hand still on top of the table next to mine. “Okay, so, do you want to finish your drink?”

I shook my head. “I’m kind of over it right now.”

“I know the feeling,” he said, laughing a bit nervously, though it looked forced.

“I’ve got to go, actually,” I said. “I’ve got some things to finish at home.”

“Oh, okay.” Harry looked a bit disheartened as he stood up with me, the two of us awkwardly shuffling around to grab our things and leave. When we stepped outside of the coffee shop, the rain had increased, but I found myself not caring at all.

The streets were busy, people moving and scurrying past us towards wherever they were headed, and Harry and I stood rooted in the middle of it all. It was strange how everything that happened to us felt like the biggest deal, but it was actually insignificant in the grand scheme of things. There were so many people and they all had stories of their own -- problems of their own -- yet what we individually felt and experienced took over our entire world.

“Do you need a ride home?” Harry asked me, breaking the awkward silence.

I shook my head no. “Our new place isn’t too far from here. I think I’ll walk.”

“Alright,” Harry nodded a few times too many, seeming nervous.

“Alright,” I repeated. “I’ll -- uh -- um, bye?”

I almost said I’d see him around, but I wasn’t going to be. This wasn’t us saying goodnight, I’ll see you soon or catch you later -- this was saying goodbye, I was sure we wouldn’t be seeing each other at all because Harry was pretty set on that. And it hurt. It hurt so much and all I wanted to do was run because I didn’t want to deal with this anymore nor did I want to face him anymore.

“Bye,” Harry repeated. The two of us stared at each other, knowing that this would be the last time we could and it felt like there had to be more -- there had to be more to it, but it was over. I let out a shaky breath suddenly and turned, walking towards my flat and saw Harry do the same in the opposite direction.

That was it. That was the last time I’d see Harry and the thought alone was enough to send my heart and mind into a spiral. It was one of those moments in your life where you knew that what you were feeling was going to hurt like a bitch and you’d do anything to let it pass, but it wouldn’t. Not for a long, long time.

I hadn’t gone too far when I’d heard my name being called.

“Blair,” Harry shouted, the rain coming down a little harder.

I stopped in my tracks, turning around to find Harry standing a few feet away, people walking briskly past us. His hair was wet now, pushed back, and I told myself that the wetness around his eyes was from the rain -- nothing else. Harry looked like he was going to say something more, but then thought better of it and instead quickly closed the distance between us. It was completely instinct the way my arms wrapped around his shoulder, holding him tight as he looped his arms securely around my waist and hugged me.

And that -- that was enough to make me crack, if only a little. It’d been such a long time since Harry and I shared a hug like this. Back in the day, we’d hug all the time, just because it felt good. It was different, Harry would tell me, and I couldn’t help but agree. When we hugged, it felt like okay -- like things were okay and we were okay. And I needed this so bad -- needed him. I held on to Harry for as long as I could, thinking to myself everything I couldn’t say out loud to him.

This was goodbye, a step to move on and move past everything, but I still hoped Harry would remember me and never forget the songs we listened to in his car all those nights, or the things we talked about while the sun came up. I hoped he wouldn’t forget our inside jokes or the other things we laughed about until our stomachs would hurt. I hoped he wouldn’t forget my smile or the sound of my voice or the way I took my coffee or the way I looked at him. I hoped he wouldn’t forget me because I couldn’t forget him or any of those things. I was always going to remember them.

I wasn’t sure how long it took for us to let go, but when we did, we knew it was time. Harry gave me one last long look before turning around and walking the opposite way, away from me and away from what we had. And the first thought that occurred to me as I walked home was that our very first kiss was in the rain, just like this, and so was our last goodbye.



It was 2 AM and I still hadn’t made it home. Somehow, I couldn’t quite do it. I’d found myself walking to Hyde Park and strolling from one end to the other, feeling a mix of emotions. It wasn’t easy losing a friend -- it never was and while I knew I’d be okay, I wasn’t fine at all.

Harry had broken up with me months ago, but it seemed we had still been reeling from it this entire summer. Something had felt incomplete and torn about the breakup back in May. This time around, it felt more final and real. I should have been able to just go home and get on with my life because nothing had changed -- it wasn’t like I had Harry before this, but it felt different.

I went through all the different memories I’d made with Harry. I thought about the first time I met him, the first time we really spoke, the first time we went for coffee, the first night he opened up to me and the first night I opened up to him. I thought about all the days in between where our friendship strengthened to the point where it felt unbreakable and like nothing could change it. I thought about the day something did change and we were no longer just friends, instead something more. I thought about the way we fell in love and found ourselves deeper in than we thought. I thought about our first fight and the tumultuous events that followed that led to our break up. I thought about this last summer and all the false hope and all the miscommunication and I thought about today.

We’d come a full circle, really. We went from being strangers, to friends, to something more than friends, to lovers, to friends, to something more than friends, to strangers again.

When I eventually walked home, it was with a heavy heart and memories of Harry in plaid shirts and nights when he made me his own.



“So, what did you want to meet us for?” Liv asked Zoe once the waiter took our orders at the Japanese restaurant Zoe chose. “Not that I’m saying you can’t ask to meet us and need a reason other than to see our pretty faces.” Liv placed her palms under her chin, doing her best adorable face, making the rest of us laugh.

“Of course not,” Zoe said, bopping her on the nose before turning to the rest of us. “But I did call you guys out for a reason.”

Liv, Layla and me stared back at Zoe, waiting for her news. She’d sent us a quick group text earlier that day to ask us out for dinner and it seemed a bit spontaneous. Back in Uni, we’d all meet up without a thought whenever and wherever, but since summer, we had to make plans from days before we could do anything with everyone. So, it was a bit surprising for us when we got Zoe’s text, but still said yes because it seemed important.

“I had spent all summer trying to decide what I wanted to do -- especially with my degree. And I know people say whatever you study doesn’t have to be what you end up doing, but I still had difficulty deciding,” Zoe began to say. “This summer was awesome -- I went traveling and I got to have fun with you guys, but I think I finally know what I’ll be doing -- in fact I’m positive.”

“Which is?” Layla prompted, nodding her head at Zoe eagerly. “Tell us already. I can’t take the suspense anymore.”

Zoe laughed, covering her mouth. “Alright, alright,” she said. “I’m going to Paris.”

“What?” we all cried together.

“As in Paris, France? When? How?” Liv asked consecutively.

“Yes, as in France. And in about two weeks via train,” she answered. “I got a job as a teacher for English language there at a small school and I -- I don’t know. It seemed like a good opportunity and I could go and maybe write there, too. Being abroad in the States inspired me a lot, so imagine what the City of Love could do.”

“Zoe,” I breathed out as the news started to sink in. “That’s incredible, but it’s so huge. Like, that’s a massive decision.”

“It is, isn’t it?” she asked, smiling sheepishly. “I still feel so right about it, though. Like, I needed this. I need to get out of London and experience things. I’m a writer and that’s what writers want -- to see and feel different things to put it down to paper and I’m planning on doing just that.”

“How long will you be gone?” Layla asked.

“Right now, I’m going there for a year, but if I had to extend, I wouldn’t hesitate. Just want to go with the flow and do whatever feels right.”

The three of us sat there completely stunned for a while, not quite knowing what to say. There was so much to ask -- so many details like where she was going to be staying, was she going to visit, what was she packing, etc. But we were too stumped to even do that. Eventually once our drinks were placed in front of us, we were able to talk about it. Zoe told us about how she wasn’t going to be staying anywhere cool that had a view of the Eiffel Tower, but that she would be a good half hour from there and will live with roommates. She was definitely going to visit for Christmas and she wanted to go shopping with us before she went to take back some cute clothes.

Then something occurred to me -- something that none of us touched upon yet.

“What about Zayn?” I asked. “Are you both doing the long distance thing then?”

Zoe’s expression went from smiling and happy to more dismissed and uncomfortable. “Zayn and I actually broke up.”

If we weren’t stumped and stunned before, we were then. The three of us stared back at Zoe with our mouths hanging open in complete disbelief. Zayn and Zoe were the token relationship in every friend group that started strong from the beginning and stayed that way till the end -- there was no way they’d broken up. Zoe had to be joking. They were like our mum and dad, they couldn’t break up. Not only was it going to affect them, but I felt like it was going to affect us as well -- the kids who were just now hearing about their parents divorce.

“Tell me you’re kidding,” Liv breathed out, her hand on her chest, forever the drama queen. Maybe she should have quit law and taken theater with Louis.

“I’m not,” Zoe shook her head, a small, sad smile on her lips. “It was about a week or so ago. A bit after Leeds. I told him what I wanted to do this next year and he was supportive, of course. But -- we’ve been together for about four years now. We both knew a little time apart wouldn’t harm us if we tried, but being tied down in that way would affect our personal growth. Zayn knows I need to grow and I know Zayn needs to grow. It’s not a terrible thing, I suppose.”

“Of course it’s terrible,” Layla pouted. “I’m sad now. You guys can’t break up.”

“I’m sad, too,” Zoe said honestly. “But, it’s what’s best. We’re both fine, really. We had a great time together and we’re still the best of friends. I just -- I want to get out of here, you know?”

“I just don’t understand is all,” Liv said after a moment. “You’re both happy together, but you’re breaking up. You don’t even want to give long distance a try?”

Zoe shook her head slowly. “We discussed it -- and like I said. It’s just one of those things that feels right for now. I was distraught at first, too. Don’t think I’m smooth sailing here.” She chuckled, the rest of us smiling sadly. “But I figured that this was life -- you love someone for as long as you can...until you completely run out of love for them. You still love this person through thick and thin, honest and pure, but there comes a time to leave, just knowing that it’s the right thing to do. Zayn and I gave our all in this relationship and it was one of the best ones we’ve ever had -- probably will ever have, but it couldn’t have been more than that at this point.”

I found myself completely struck by that thought process.

Because though I knew that something always felt incomplete with Harry and me, like we weren’t quite done with each other yet, there was nothing I could do at this point right now. I gave it my all -- Harry gave it his all -- and I had to accept it for what it was. You love someone for as long as you can, until you run out and then you let go.

I knew hope was dangerous for me at this point, but I couldn’t help but feel that my love for Harry hadn’t quite run out -- that there was still a huge part of me that loved him and probably always would. However, Zoe had made a great point. If time was telling you over and over that it wasn’t right at the moment, then it was best to listen. Yeah, it would be hard to move on and be without one another, but everything healed with time and when your heart finally understood that, then there was no turning back, only moving forward.