Breathe

“Hey, Blair Bear. Mind making me about -- say, thirty five -- copies of these? Thanks, love.”

My dad dumped a large manila folder on my small desk that was right outside of his own larger office before fixing me with a warm smile and walking out towards one of the other office rooms. I sighed, glaring at the heaps of papers flowing out of the folder. While I appreciated my dad and his inability to let go of my nickname from when I was a child, I really fucking hated being the office bitch. Because not soon after he left, Jeremy, the office dickwad who was about three years older than me and too cocky for his own good, sauntered over to my desk.

“Blair Bear,” he beamed in a mocking manner. “Have you got my copies done yet? I don’t have all day, you know? Loads of work to do and I’ve got another batch I need you to start.”

I literally wanted to jump up on my desk and attack him. Jeremy wasn’t blind -- he had to see the amount of files on my desk that I still had to make copies of as well as all the ones with mistakes that I had to retype into the system error free. Obviously I didn’t have his bloody copies otherwise I would have given them to him already. No, he was definitely not blind, just an ugly, mongy pest. I had no idea what Jeremy’s deal was or why constantly bothering me of all people in the office was a part of his agenda, but he wasn’t the only downside about this job, surprisingly.

Everything about it was mundane and I was sick of it.

I was sick of waking up at seven in the morning everyday and commuting all the way to North London to do a lousy secretary/receptionist job. But it was what I was stuck with and had been doing for the past three months. And if I’d thought the commute during the fall season was a pain, the commute during December was complete misery. It was freezing cold and I was constantly cranky, exhausted and stressed out about several different things all at once. Never mind that it was holiday season because I was never in the mood for anything jolly or festive.  

I’d expected so much from my life and it seemed like it was giving me exactly what I deserved for expecting too much, because you know what they said -- no expectations, no disappointments. There was nothing I wanted more than to just get started on the things I had planned, but life didn’t seem to want to go that way. Instead, I found myself taking on a job that I despised, isolating myself from my friends, and having about thirty existential crises a day. It was definitely not ideal.

The days I felt the worst were when I couldn’t stop thinking about how much better off I was before -- before summer ended, before graduation, before Harry decided he didn’t want me in his life anymore.

It wasn’t that I was worse off without him or anything. I missed him, sure, but I did realize at some point that you couldn’t live for someone who didn’t want to be in your life anymore. And Harry didn’t -- he didn’t come back. The two of us hadn’t spoken a single word to each other since we said goodbye at the coffee shop. I’d occasionally see his things on social media and while it made me feel a bit heavier than most days, there wasn’t anything I could do.

And I couldn’t tell if the way I was being was because there was an impending breakdown coming. I hadn’t cried over Harry since that night in Leeds, much to Liv and Layla’s surprise. The two of them were expecting one and I understood that because most people associated crying and wallowing with a broken heart, but it wasn’t like that for me. I was done crying and screaming into my pillow at three in the morning. What people didn’t understand was that what hurt the most were the little things that they wouldn’t really expect. Such as standing in your kitchen on a Sunday morning and looking at a burnt piece of toast and remembering Harry, fresh from a run, looking at you like you hung the moon and stars. Or getting a whiff of his cologne from a stranger on the tube. Or the sight of dusty sunlight peering through your blinds and not being able to help how much you wished he was right there in bed with you. Those were the moments I missed him so much, I didn’t know what to do with myself.

Nevertheless, I still powered on every day.

I reminded myself that nostalgia was only there to make me feel like things were better than they seemed and that there was a reason it was in the past, because that’s where it should stay. 



I got the call from Genisys, an IT solutions agency, in January.

I’d interviewed for them a week prior and they called back to offer me a entry level internship for their company that not only paid, but was guaranteed to become full time if I put in the effort. I had never said yes as quick and as many times as I did on the phone right then, practically on the verge of tears from something finally working out in my favor after what felt like months. When I hung up the phone, I was staring at the screen in utter shock, and the first thing I thought of after was calling up Harry and telling him. I had to tell him, right?

But then I realized how completely insane that thought was. We didn’t talk anymore -- he probably wasn’t thinking about me or whether or not I got a job. He was doing his thing, crossing milestones and achieving goals of his own, and he wasn’t reaching over to call me, so why should I do the same thing? No, no. That could not be done -- I’d look so stupid.

I was also mildly irritated about the fact that he was the first person I thought of calling when he wasn’t even in my life anymore. I didn’t think of my parents, my best friends who I lived with, none of them. I’d thought of fucking Harry. Times like these, I often wished that I’d never met him or woke up with amnesia so that he wouldn’t be the first heartbreaking thought I had after everything -- so that I could live my life without the knowledge that there was someone like him out there in the world.

Someone as sweet, and nice and wonderful as Harry.

I no longer wanted to think back to memories I shared with him because at times they felt inescapable. I wanted to forget that fateful September evening where it rained all day and in my heart, too. I wanted to forget the look on Harry’s face as he told me how he felt. I wanted to forget about all our dreams and wishes that we’d ever made together. I wanted to forget every stupid little thing, like the way it felt to fall asleep beside him because I remembered everything.



I stared at my phone screen for hours, first to decide whether or not I should actually say something, and then whether or not I should follow up with a message. The thing was, though, if Harry wanted to talk, he would have added something more. I did make the first move and reached out, but if he responded with one word, then it was obvious that he didn’t seem to want to continue this conversation.

And it sucked. It sucked because I had so much more to say than those few words and he summed up his within one. How was I tell him that I missed him in a way that would make everyone's heart ache as much as it did mine?

How could I say please miss me because I didn’t know how to be something he could miss. 



It was March -- somewhere in the middle where the days were full of hot sun and a cool breeze, like a soft goodbye to winter and a little taste of summer.

I instantly thought of Harry.

I’d always thought that things and places reminded people of others, but never weather. Yet, here I was, my mind automatically drifting to soft curls and forest green eyes as soon as I stepped out of the flat. I frowned to myself, walking beside Liv as the two of us headed towards the market to get groceries. She was talking about something or another, but I couldn’t concentrate. Not when my hand was itching to grab the phone and dial a familiar number because he was filling all my thoughts at that moment.

So, when Liv asked me something that I completely missed, I nodded to her distractedly and she raised her eyebrows in surprise. “Really? You’ll go out with us?”

“Wait -- what?” I asked, now paying attention to her.

“Were you not listening?” she asked. “I said that Niall, Layla, Dylan and I are all going out tonight with one of Dylan’s friend’s. You should come.”

That didn’t sound bad actually and it wasn’t like I was doing anything else exciting other than curling up in my bed with Netflix. I felt a little guilty as well because Liv had to actually question whether I was serious about going out or not since I hardly did anymore. I’d been neglecting my friends way too much these past few months and this weather was uplifting in a weirdly nostalgic way. So, I agreed because it sounded like fun and maybe that was something I needed to get rid of these thoughts of Harry. I knew why he was on my mind -- spring was around the time that the two of us really got together and spent those blissful few weeks falling in love.

Later that night, I got dressed in something other than pyjamas and office clothes for once, and went to the bowling alley in hopes of having a good night. When I arrived, I found the other two couples and Dylan’s friend sat around two of the lanes that they got for us to play in. I quickly exchanged my shoes and headed over to them. If it weren’t for Dylan’s friend joining us, I would have probably been the fifth wheel, which would have been a little awkward, but nothing I wasn’t used to. Until I noticed that he was a guy -- and a really cute one at that.

“Blair,” Dylan smiled when she spotted me, pulling her friend along with her. “This is Eli. Eli, this is Blair.”

I smiled at Eli, immediately noticing his broad smile and dimples. He had shaggy, dirty blond hair and deep brown eyes. “Hi,” I smiled back. “Nice to meet you.”

“You, too,” he replied. “We’re teammates, by the way. They picked teams already.”

“Did they?” I asked giggling, Eli nodding in response. Dylan smiled at the two of us and went to join her girlfriend by the screen where they had punched in the names for the teams. I followed Eli after giving Niall and Layla hugs and sat down beside him.

The teams were me, Eli, and Layla and then Dylan, Liv, and Niall. As it began and we all took turns, some of us doing well and others not so much (cough, Liv, cough), I started talking to Eli and getting to know him. He had graduated two years ago from University of London and was working at an IT company, much like mine, and grew up in London. We both had a love for sitcoms and even liked the same kind of pizza -- chicken and jalapenos. He was also witty, making me laugh with everything he was saying. It was great because it had been so long since I’d made a friend or acquaintance outside of my office and Eli was lovely.

Halfway through the game when Eli got up to go chat with Niall and Layla for a bit, Liv sat down beside me, smiling all too mischievously. “What’s going on up there?” I asked her suspiciously, twirling my pointer finger at her head.

“How’s Eli?” she asked, ignoring my question.

“He’s nice!”

“Really?” she drawled out, smirking at me.

I cocked my head at her, confused as to what she was trying to say, and then it clicked. I narrowed my eyes at her. “Liv...what do you think this is?”

“A triple date?” she asked hopefully.

“A triple date?” I asked, not the least bit amused.

Liv sighed, pausing for a moment, and giving me a fearful look. “Yes. I mean -- it’s been months, Blair. I just really want to see you smiling again.”

“Yeah, but I don’t need a man to be smiling again.”

“I’m not saying that you do. I’m saying it could help. You’re doing fine on your own, I know, but seeing someone like Eli couldn’t hurt.”

“I don’t know,” I said slowly, glancing over at Eli, who was joking around with Niall. He was a great guy, but the thought of seeing someone else was a little scary since it wasn’t anything I’d given a thought to in a long time.

“What’s the worst that could happen?”

“Nothing. I just don’t know.”

“Blair.”

“Liv.” I sighed, running a hand through my hair. “Let it go.”

Liv nodded when she realized I wasn’t up to talking about this now and stood up to go back to Dylan. Eli soon came back, joining me again, and I wondered if he knew that we were on a date. Nothing we’d talked about or discussed could indicate whether he did or not because it’d mostly just been getting to know each other. It was also really annoying me that Liv and Dylan just set me up without letting me know because what if Eli did know and I was the only one left in the dark? I’d look so stupid if I said the wrong thing.

We continued to bowl, instead of really chatting much, and the game ended up with us as winners since Liv couldn’t even hold the balls correctly. Niall made a joke about that being the reason she was into girls and then later suggested we all head to the bars, which was where I found myself an hour later, squeezed into a booth next to Eli.

And it wasn’t even that he was unattractive or not my type. I wasn’t sure what my type was, but had I met him about a year or two ago, I’d totally be into him. He was really cute and sweet and made me smile in a way I hadn’t in a long time. However, I was blindsided into this night and I needed a drink or five to relax because I’d been pent up since I found out. So much for having a good night.

After four pints, I was feeling a lot better and the way my arm was touching Eli’s wasn’t making me feel uncomfortable anymore. It was actually really nice and warm. Eli smiled at me as I gulped down the last of my drink. “You’re going a little fast there,” he noted.

“That’s the plan,” I replied.

“You’re trying to get drunk?” I shrugged, not really knowing how to respond and Eli smiled softly. “Well, how about you slow down.” He stopped me from reaching over for another pint. “I want to talk to you without you forgetting what I said to you tomorrow morning.”

“Oh, is that what’s happening?” I asked him coyly.

Eli grinned, his dimple sinking in, making my stomach flutter in a weird way. “That’s the plan.” I burst into giggles, amused and feeling taken by him already. Eli chuckled before saying, “How about you and I ditch this joint and head out for a bit?”

I looked into his brown eyes, trying to acquaint myself with them and not recreate the green eyes I was so familiar with, instead. “Sure,” I said softly. Eli grinned; taking my hand in his and pulling me up to my feet, letting the rest know that we’d be right back. Liv and Dylan obnoxiously wiggled their eyebrows at us, to which I flipped the bird at them, and followed Eli out into the cool night.

I couldn’t tell how long we walked down the alleyway, taking a turn here or there, a little bit uncentered from the alcohol infused heavily in my system. Finally, after seemingly a bit of a walk, we arrived at a little field near the bar. Eli let go of my hand and smiled at me, reassuringly, before sitting down on the grass and patting the spot beside him. I laughed, flopping down on the ground, and turned my head up to look at the stars. “Wow, they are so beautiful.” I said after a few minutes, really taking in the sky. It had been awhile since I had truly just looked up at the night sky and appreciated the stars.

“I know. Weird how they are there every night without fail and yet you really don’t think about it until you just lay down and take it all in.”

I nodded my head in agreement; laughing at how deep this conversation was going so fast. “Yeah, I usually am just sitting in my room watching Netflix.”

Eli had laid down next to me at that point, his facial expression showing his interest in my lively night activities. “No shame. I love Netflix. I actually just started binge watching Parks and Rec. Apparently it’s really popular over in America right now.”

I smiled at him warmly and yelled, a bit too loudly, “I’m on season four! It’s so good, I love that show! Okay, so. Which character is your favorite?”

Eli furrowed his eyebrows for a minute, almost like I was asking him the secret to life or something major. “Okay, okay,” he finally said, putting his hands behind his head, getting more comfortable. “It has to be the Indian guy that is like always coming up with these crazy business ideas and spending his money so lavishly. Like, he opened a club that was full of basically everything a millionaire teenage boy would want in his flat as an adult and bought himself a limo with a pool. Like, who does that?”

I laughed at Eli’s description of Tom, fitting pretty true as a description. That character was crazy. “He’s like your younger sibling’s friend that tries so hard to be cool and get along with everyone, but is just over the top 100% of the time.” Eli nodded, agreeing with me, and then asked who my favorite character was. “Oh, I don’t know. That’s a good one. Probably April. She’s fantastic.”

It took Eli a second to realize who that was, but when it finally clicked, he was shocked. “April? Seriously? The one that dresses all morbid and, like, never works and says the weirdest shit all the time? Wow, I’m impressed. She scares me.”

He was right; April was an interesting character on the show. She would never answer the phone at work and said some of the creepiest things, but the character was too lovable to hate. “She is just so honest about everything. How she feels about work, people, and life in general. And easily just let’s things go. I wish I could be like that sometimes. There are just situations that I wish things weren’t as serious and I could move on from them.”

“Yeah, well. Life is a little different at an IT job. You can’t just proclaim your hate for people and ignore work without getting fired. Besides, I doubt being that character is so great. For one, you definitely have more beautiful eyes. ” I laughed at that, realizing how true Eli’s statement was, and his sly compliment.

We talked for a little bit longer about our love for Netflix after work. We even ended up comparing the different types of co workers we had at our IT jobs and laughing at the things annoying people did throughout the day. After Eli told me about how he heard one woman just lean out and fart really loudly at work, and then Eli had to act like nothing happened when she immediately asked him for some paperwork, even though it sounded like she seriously shitted her pants, I rolled closer to him, laughing really hard at the idea of the situation.

When I started to calm down a bit, I looked up at Eli, noticing that he was quietly smiling at me. As he reached out to wipe off a tear that fell out of my left eye while laughing, I realized how close we were. I was practically laying on top of him, feeling the warmth from his body and his heartbeat through his chest. Eli slowly moved his hand down to my cheek, and leaned in to kiss me.

For a second I was content, feeling the warmth of his lips against mine, until I realized that it felt too foreign -- too different from before. From last summer when everything felt so right with Harry. I instinctively pulled back and started to sit up a bit.

Eli sat up next to me, concern in his eyes. “Everything okay? Did I do something wrong?”

I stood up and glanced down at him, feeling a tear form in my right eye, this time not from laughter. “Um, no, it’s fine. I’m sorry, I really need to go.” And then I ran away, past the alleyway, past the bar, heading straight home. Feeling more sober than I had in months. When I finally reached my flat, breathing heavily and trying to will my heart to calm down, I made my way to my bedroom, sitting down beside my wardrobe.

Harry’s lavender jumper was still folded in my bottom drawer along with a few of his trackies and a white t-shirt. He’d never come back for these and I’d never reminded him of it. It was like my own little secret because there were nights where I liked to pull one of these on just because his smell lingered on them, albeit it was now slowly wearing off. I took the jumper out, slipping it on over my floral, skin tight dress and rubbed the fabric around my arms, letting it engulf me.

Eli was amazing. He was great -- so cute, funny, and charming. I had absolutely nothing against him because he was nice to me and we were having a fun time, but something just snapped in me as soon as our lips met. The last time I’d kissed someone was Harry -- that night in Leeds and I couldn’t remember ever feeling so consumed by someone in every single sense. I never figured that that would be our last kiss -- I never would have thought that nor would I have imagined we’d end the way we did. And even after all these months, I felt like it was only him on my lips.

The truth of the matter was that people loved you and then left you with scars so that no matter who came along in your life -- whether they be perfect or not -- you’d still have that mark from the person who you wanted more than anything.

I wanted to kiss Eli -- wanted to let myself fall for him, but I’d run out on him and probably ruined it by now. Why would he want to be with me when I was still holding on to the look on Harry’s face when he whispered to me that he loved me all those nights ago? Most importantly, why did Harry tell me that only to go away in the end? Why was I still able to recall the smell of the rain, fresh off the pavement, that night that he kissed me for the first time and was able to feel his heart jump through his shirt?

And it was pathetic, but I remembered everything about Harry. I remembered the swing of his step, the way he was the life of every party, and always showing off. I remembered how we danced and laughed and drank, unaware of how much time we had. And I loved the way he shook hands with my dad, and the way he took his coffee, and the way he walked with his hands in his pocket, and the way he never buttoned all of his buttons and the way he used to kiss me when I was in the middle of saying something and teased me about how I snored and just that he always knew how to hold me.

However, while I remembered all these things, I also had to remember that he was no longer in my life anymore. I didn’t know him anymore. All I knew of him were the pictures I saw from his Instagram and Facebook -- watching his life in pictures just like I used to watch him sleep. And I felt him forget me more and more each day like I used to feel him breathe. It was so aggravating to me that I was here, still holding on, and he was probably out there doing exactly what he planned. The sun was probably continuously shining for him and it was always a beautiful day. And I hoped through the midst of it all, something reminded him of me and made him wish he stayed. It sucked because while you could plan for a change in weather and time, you could never plan for him to change his mind.  

My phone started to ring then, somewhere in my purse, so I fished it out, frowning at the unknown number. Despite that, I answered.

“Hello?”

“Uh, hey Blair, this is Eli. I got your number from Dylan. I just -- I wasn’t sure if I should have called, but I wanted to know if you were okay.”

I bit my lip, chewing on it before replying. “I’m fine. I’m actually -- uh, I’m sorry for running out. I just. Yeah, I’m sorry.”

“It’s totally fine,” Eli said. “I completely get if I crossed any boundaries. That wasn’t my intention.”

“You -- you didn’t. It was nice, Eli.”

“Really?”

I giggled. “Yeah. It was.” 



Harry never responded.

Just like we once were and now we weren’t.

It wasn’t like we’d said we’d keep in touch, but it couldn’t have hurt to just indulge me a little. Harry did reach out while, unlike when I’d wished Happy Birthday, I didn’t close it off with one polite reply as he did. I wanted to know how he was; I wanted to know what he was up to and how he was feeling. But we weren’t keeping in touch and once we were done -- we were seriously done, it seemed.

It hurt, staring at my phone that night and not seeing a response back, as dramatic as it sounded. When Harry first texted, I was elated and it meant more to me than any other wish I’d gotten that day. I lied in bed for hours thinking back to my last birthday and how he’d surprised me and we’d spent the whole night together, wrapped up in each other. If that was today and I had him beside me, like everything we’d experienced these past few months was just some twisted dream, then I’d hold him closer than I ever did before so he’d never slip away. Fuck, I would have held him a little tighter a year ago if I’d known. I wondered if anyone could ever bring these sort of feelings out of me because I felt like I’d experienced everything I was going to and from here on out it was never going to be as big as it was before.



The front door of our building closed behind me softly, the wind whistling as I started walking down the road, the sky a shade of navy blue.

It was four in the morning and I, for the life of me, could not fall asleep -- at all. I hadn’t had this problem in a while. Well, I did, but it was hardly ever this bad to the point where I felt restless to get out and go for a walk at the arse crack of dawn. I could always quell it by getting up and pacing our flat a bit while brewing a cup of tea since we didn’t have a coffee maker at home. It would usually do the trick, but tonight, it just couldn’t. My heart was thumping in my chest, like footsteps on stairs, and all I wanted was to go out.

Without fighting it furthermore, I slipped on a loose jumper, since it was summer, and my shoes before creeping out the door and into the night. It was actually really nice. There was something about the time between late night and early morning where there was nothing but complete and utter silence everywhere. It felt like everything had stopped and you were moving within frozen time.

At first, there was no destination in mind as I walked, but somehow, when I ended up at the coffee shop that Harry and I used to go to, I wasn’t quite sure what to think. It couldn’t have been instinctive because we always drove here, but here I was anyway -- months later, without Harry. It’d been almost ten months since I’d last seen him in this exact spot and I couldn’t wrap my mind around the fact that I ended up here -- still reaching out and thinking about him, even though he wasn’t there. It was like a part of me was hoping he would be.

Maybe that was the whole point. Maybe I could keep some things that we shared and not have him with me. Coffee runs were always done with Harry and I knew I’d always associate it with him, but that didn’t mean I still couldn’t do it just because he wasn’t with me. And while I knew I was okay and I was getting on fine with my life, there were always a series of days where everything turned back to Harry. I found myself thinking about him and everything we’d been through. Tonight was one of those times.

I slowly made my way into the coffee shop and ordered my usual while also having to actively remind myself not to order another -- Harry’s coffee. Once my drink was ready, I took it outside, sitting down on a table and staring out into the empty road. I zoned in on the spot where Harry and I always parked and couldn’t help but playback all our memories. There were so many and I felt like my mind was running a hundred miles per hour, looking back at all of them, and they were all so overpowering.  

If my life were a rom-com, then this would be the part where Harry would finally realize that he made a mistake and he wanted me back. I couldn’t lie to myself and say I wouldn’t want that, either -- I always felt like if we’d just talked and been honest with one another then we could have worked it out somehow. The Harry that I knew when we first got together would have wanted that, too. When I’d told as much to Liv, she just looked at me sadly and said that people changed and while it was hard to accept that, these things still happened and there was nothing I could do.

And I knew that, but I also remembered how it was back then when he was still mine and I was still his. I remembered how it felt to be in his arms and feel like it was forever. It wasn’t forever, obviously, because he was still gone and I was left there pacing in my room until I left my flat, only to come to the one place where memories of him were the strongest. There were nights spent out here where Harry would tell me that nothing was going to change, not for me and him, so was it wrong of me to hold on to that? I didn’t want to walk out here on my own -- I wanted to see Harry back at my front door just so I could tell him how I felt -- that I’d been waiting for him since he’d been gone.

I wanted Harry to come back to me like he would have before he’d asked me out here ten months ago saying it was not that easy, before we had broke up, and before we had our fight. But my life wasn’t a rom-com and Harry wasn’t coming back. He was out there and he was probably moving on, just like I slowly was, too.   

It was so strange and a little fascinating because I was sure that there were a million people around the world who were awake like I was at four in the morning and were also missing someone who was probably sound asleep and had no idea that they were being missed. I wondered if Harry knew.



The smell of greasy burgers and chips filled the air, making my stomach grumble in anticipation for when my order would arrive at our table. Across from me sat Liam and Zayn while Louis occupied the spot beside me. The four of us collectively decided to meet up for dinner since Liam was leaving for Crawley soon to go back to his internship and I hadn’t gotten a chance to see him or the other two boys as much. This summer was very different from last because none of us met up altogether as a group since everyone was off doing their own thing. We were either too busy with work or school or we were at our parent's homes for a visit. No one was able to match up their time with everyone else, which really sucked.

“So, boys,” I said, wrapping my hand around my cold bottle of beer. “Tell me what’s been up.”

No one spoke for a moment, staring back and forth at each other instead to see who’d go first, before Zayn smiled, speaking up. “I’ll go first. I got a new job at the beginning of summer.”

“Right,” I said with a nod. “Heard about that from Niall. How’s that been going?”

“Good, good. I’m a curator at that art gallery I submitted my work to. You came, remember.”

I nodded my head, thinking back to that night in February. Zayn had texted me weeks prior asking me to go see him at the art show and when I did, I made sure to come at the very end right after work because I did not want any awkward run ins with Harry. Our breakup was one of the reasons it made it so hard to keep in touch with these boys because they were his friends as well.

“I’m happy for you, Z,” I smiled. “Do you like it there?”

“Yeah. So much more than the bookstore. That was a fucking drag, but this is more my thing, so I’m definitely enjoying it.”

“He’s going to do the next art show as well,” Louis added, sounding proud, like a dad talking about his boy.

“Our little artist,” Liam preened, wrapping an arm around Zayn and hugging him, making the other boy flush slightly, but hug him back nonetheless.

“What about the rest of you?” I asked. “Cross any milestones of your own lately?”

“Not really,” Louis mumbled. “Work’s hard as fuck and I’m going to need to work my arse off this next month to get some sort of promotion because the theater my boss works at is having a production for A Midsummer’s Night Dream and I want to be involved as more than just the guy who fetches the coffee and hands out the script packets.”

“Aw, Lou. I’m sure you will be,” I cooed. “I feel you, though. Being an intern or assistant sucks. I get it. It’s kind of like -- wow, I did not just slave through years of school to remember your drink order. Keep working hard -- I’m sure they’ll reward you in some way.”

Louis sighed deeply, taking a sip of his beer. “I hope. Just pray for me that I make it through because I really want to move up this next year, otherwise, I think I’ll just look somewhere else for a job.”

“That’s a smart plan,” Liam said. “If you feel like you’re not going anywhere at your current job for more than two years, it’s best to move on. I learned that from my Dad. Completely professional and reasonable.”

“Might end up having to do that,” Louis replied quietly, looking like he was deep in thought.

I turned over to Liam next. “What about you? Crawley treating you okay?”

“Crawley’s great,” Liam said. “I like that it’s a small town -- reminds me of home, to be honest. It’s really different from London in several aspects. Everyone knows each other over there and things are a lot closer and I don’t know -- homier, I guess.”

“Aw, that’s cute,” I said. “Have you got on with your roommates well?”

Liam nodded in response. “They’re great. Really nice and accommodating since I wasn’t as familiar with the town at first. They sort of adopted me and showed me around until I was one of them. Work’s good, too. I might be getting a promotion soon, so do wish me luck.”

“Of course!”

Liam scratched the back of his head shyly. “I’ve also been seeing someone kind of.”

“What?” I cried causing him to startle. “Who? How long? When?”

Zayn and Louis laughed while Liam looked bashful. “It’s not serious -- yet. We’ve just been on a few dates. We were friends first through another friend and then recently, I sort of realized I’m into her so I asked her out and -- it’s been great -- I really like her.”

“I can’t believe it,” I said, eyes wide with surprise despite the soft, fond smile on my lips. “Liam Payne, one of the most notorious lotharios of Theta Chi, settling down with a good girl.”

“Cause she’s a good girl and he knows it,” Zayn mumble sang under his breath while at the same time Louis said in an incredulous tone, “I know, right?”

“She really is a good girl,” Liam beamed happily. “Her name’s Sophia and she’s gorgeous. I’ll have to bring her around some time.”

“Please,” I insisted. “I’d love to meet her and I’m sure the other girls would, too. Tell me more about her, though, you secretive twat.”

While Liam rattled on about his girlfriend, our food arrived and we were well into it when they asked me about what I was up to. “Mostly work,” I said, through bites of my food. “I really like it and the pay is great even though I’m still an intern. I’m hoping they make me full time soon, though. And other than that -- not much.” I paused for a moment, taking a sip of my drink. “I’m seeing someone, too.”

The boys all looked up and no matter how badly they wanted to disguise it, their shock was evident and the momentary silence was awkward. They got over it all at once.

“That’s great,” Zayn said, looking over at me. “Who is he? Tell us about him.”

I blinked, wondering if they were just being polite and were pissed or actually interested. Harry was, after all, their best mate. This couldn’t be easy or any less awkward. “He’s nice...his name is Eli. We’ve been dating since April...or May. I can’t remember. Dylan introduced us.”

“That’s good,” Liam said with a warm smile, obviously trying to take away from their initial reaction.

“Yeah,” I nodded jerkily with a short, breathy laugh. “He’s good...we’re pretty much the same person, honestly. He does IT like me -- we like the same things and think exactly alike. It’s like dating me, but with a willy.” That got a laugh out of the other boys, Louis snorting into his chips. I smiled, happy to have broken the awkward stance, but not able to forget it. “Listen, guys. I don’t want it to be weird. Like...I know Harry and me --.”

“Blair,” Zayn said, interrupting me with a meaningful look. “That’s not the case, babe. We’re not judging you for moving on. Harry and you ended months ago -- nearly a year ago -- and it’s fine. It’s normal, really.”

“Yeah,” Louis agreed. “What Zayn said. I mean it was just a tiny bit weird, but not in the way you think. We’re not hating you about it.”

I sighed in relief. “I’m glad.”

“Plus, Harry’s seeing someone else, too.” This time I was the one that froze, eyes widening on it’s own as I looked at Louis in complete shock and surprise. It was hard to even hear his name when I hadn’t seen him in so long. Louis looked confused for the most part while the other two stared at us with alarmed expressions. Louis looked back and forth between all of us. “Did I say something wrong?”

“No,” I quickly shook my head. “No, not at all. I just -- I didn’t know.”

“We thought you may have since you see Layla and Niall,” Zayn said, frowning a bit.

I shook my head. “They never told me. Since when? I mean, since when have they been dating?” I asked, shakily.

“This past January,” Louis replied a bit cautiously. “They go to school together. Her name’s Violet.”

“Violet,” I repeated, letting the name roll of my tongue, not liking how perfect and magical she sounded. I hadn’t seen a picture because Harry never posted one, but I obviously had to do some snooping. “Is he -- is he happy? Like is she nice to him?”

Zayn nodded a yes. “Harry’s great -- fine, even. They got on well and all that. She’s really friendly. We’ve met her a few times, but yeah, from what we’ve seen she’s really cool.”

“That’s nice,” I said, trying to stop my voice from shaking.

I stared down at my food as hard as I could, trying to figure out what it was that I was feeling because I couldn’t tell. I wouldn’t lie and say that it didn’t hurt hearing that Harry was happy and he was moving on as morbid as it sounded. While this decision had helped me move forward in life somewhat easily because last summer just felt messy and confusing, it wasn’t like it became marginally better. I had once loved Harry and when you love someone, it was hard to let go.

I had so many dreams and wishes when it came to Harry that hearing from his friends that he was fine was difficult because while I was okay most days, I wasn’t fine at all. I still walked by the coffee shop. I still thought about our last kiss, how it felt, and the way he tasted. Did he ever do the same? Did he ever feel lonely despite having Violet there beside him? Sometimes I would start to wonder if we were real because now it felt like we never happened. Was it all just a lie?

There were times where I felt cheated by the universe for giving me Harry and then taking him away just because third party got involved and drove us to the point where we had no choice but to end. Harry and I complicated each other’s lives too much and we couldn’t be friends in the end because so much was fucked up, that much I could accept. And while I was seeing Eli and things were great because he was so wonderful to me, I should be happy for Harry, too. I should be happy that he was able to move on like I was, but I didn’t know how to be happy for him. I wanted him to be happy, of course I did -- I just still wanted to be the reason.



I slowly opened my bottom drawer, staring at the few articles of clothes there before pulling them out and packing them up in the small box I’d managed to get. Once I cleared out all of Harry’s clothes from there, I picked up the grey University of London jumper that Eli lent to me about a month into dating when I’d gotten cold during one of our dates. I’d still kept it because it was soft and smelled exactly like him -- minty and warm. I smiled, folding it up and placing it in the drawer and closing it behind me.

It’d been a few weeks since I’d last seen the boys and our conversation played back in my head for a long time. Harry was seeing someone new and had been for a lot longer than I’d been seeing Eli. He was happy and Violet was apparently great and after some snooping, I figured out I’d already seen her on his snapchat a few times, though he didn’t post a picture on Instagram. She was pretty and seemed exactly as how the boys described to me, so I didn’t want to feel bitter. I wanted to, instead, do something else.

Finally start to completely let go.

I wanted to start being strong like I used to be, become my old self again and just move on. It’d been a long year and a lot of it was spent missing Harry, something I still did, but that didn’t mean I couldn’t start appreciating my life anymore. I had so much going for me -- a great job, great friends, and a awesome boyfriend. It was fine that I let myself wallow in my own way these few months, but how long could I keep doing that? I had isolated my friends and was chasing sleep every night. Everyone was worried about me because I was in too deep. I was done with that, though, because what had happened might have beaten me down, but I still had a lot of fight left in me.

I packaged up the box, writing in the addresses before walking down to the post office a few blocks away. As I handed over the box of Harry’s clothes to the woman behind the counter, I found myself smiling, feeling years lighter. She handed me a slip of confirmation and I walked out of there, taking out my phone as it started vibrating in my purse. I smiled even wider when I saw who it was.

I clicked on answer. “Hey, Eli. How are you, babe?”