Breathe

“Blair!”

Lux squealed loudly, running straight towards me with her arms wide open before wrapping them around my waist for a hug. I bent down to her level, laughing as I hugged her back, and placed a kiss on her cheek. “Hey, you,” I smiled. “Miss me?”

“Yeah,” she nodded eagerly. “Loads!”

“Aw,” I cooed, hugging her again tightly. “I’ve missed you, too. You’ve gotten so big since I’ve last seen you.”

“Where’ve you been?” she asked. “It’s been ages. Harry’s been over a few times, but he didn’t bring you. Said you were busy.”

My smile faltered slightly at the sound of his name since I wasn’t expecting it. I wasn’t really sure how to follow up Lux’s question, so I forced another smile, and nodded my head. “Yeah. I was a bit busy with work and all. I’m here now, though.”

“We’re glad you are,” Lou said, appearing behind Lux. “It’s been a while.”

“It has, hasn’t it?” I said, standing up while Lux held on to my hand.

It was September. The fall weather had brought in a soft chill with the bright sun and I had decided on a whim one day after work that I really wanted another tattoo. I’d thought for a few days about what I could get before finally deciding and making the trip over to Tom and Lou’s store. I would have tried to find one other than Harry’s friends store, but thought better of it and just came here. I trusted Tom and knew that whatever I got done by him was going to be really professional rather than going to a strange place and being paranoid the entire time.

“Looking to get something done?” Lou asked. I nodded, gesturing over to Tom, who’d greeted me when I’d first arrived at the shop. He was getting everything ready to sit me down and start. Lou looked over at him. “Right, so Tom’s got you sorted, then.” She turned back to me with a smile. “How’ve you been?”

“I’ve been good,” I replied, walking closer to her with Lux following. “Just been working since school ended and trying to figure out adulthood basically.”

Lou chuckled, amused. “I remember that age -- it was tough for sure. You seem to be doing okay, though, which is good.”

“Yeah, so far,” I laughed. “How’ve you guys been doing?”

“We’re good. Doing great with the shop and ol’ Lux over there just started primary this year.”

“Did you now?” I asked, looking down at Lux, who nodded her head.

“I love it,” she said with an air of maturity that astounded me. “We’re learning tons of new things, like the alphabet, but I already know that because Mummy’s already taught me before class. And we get to play a lot and nap a lot.”

Funny as it may seem, but I was a bit jealous of Lux, a mere five year old, for her lack of worries and relaxing day to day lifestyle. I beamed at Lux, leading her towards the chair I was going to sit on. “Sounds amazing,” I cooed. “Mind telling me about it while I get inked up? I’d love a distraction.”

“Of course,” she replied, sitting down on the chair next to mine while I situated myself on my own. She was extremely okay with needles for a five year old, but that may be because she grew up in a tattoo shop. I wished I were that hardcore. “I’ll keep you distracted since Harry isn’t here.”

My eyes widened in surprise at her implication and laughed nervously as her parents looked to one another in panic. They obviously had heard, so this was a bit awkward. “Uh -- yeah. Exactly.”

Lux prattled on the entire time Tom worked on my tattoo. She told me about her school days, her friends, and what her favorite things were at the time -- the color purple, a show about an elephant and a rat who were best friends, and her new blue dress. When Tom was done, I said goodbye to Lux because it was time for her to go to bed and I’d kept her busy long enough. Tom bandaged up the tattoo and smiled at me.

“Breathe,” he repeated, gazing down at the words on my upper arm. “Any meaning behind it?”

I smiled, looking down at the tattoo before shrugging. “Just a reminder of what I needed for the past two years.”

I absolutely loved the tattoo and loved that I got it even more. It symbolized a lot of things, but most of all my strength and where I was today. I’d lost someone I’d never expected to lose and in the process, I sort of lost myself, too, and somehow that was worse. There were a lot of bad days and while they seemed almost unbearable, I somehow got through whilst reminding myself of who I was and wasn’t. I wasn’t my mistakes nor damaged goods. I was made up of things I’d learned and I was wiser from my experiences. And I was someone who went through a bunch of rainstorms and kept walking. I now believed that my pain made me stronger.



Eli shoveled a handful of chips in his mouth, his eyes trained on the screen as we watched the new Insidious movie on bootleg DVD. It was pretty spooky with several jump scares, but I couldn’t quite concentrate due to the amount of things running through my head. Things like the conversation that Eli and I’d been close to having a couple of times these past few weeks, but we weren’t really getting around to because it was easy to ignore and difficult to bring up.

I didn’t think I could ignore it anymore, though.

“Eli,” I said, pausing the movie.

Eli turned to look at me, eyebrows raised in confusion, and I instantly felt guilty. He seemed really into it and here I was, pausing it, and trying to have this tough conversation. I would let him finish it after, though. I wasn’t that cruel. Plus he’d gotten me McDonald’s. It was the most I could do. “What’s up?” Eli asked, putting down the bowl of popcorn on the coffee table in front of us.

“I wanted to talk,” I said, concentrating on the remote in my hand. “I think you know about what.”

“Sort of,” Eli said, his voice wary.

“Things haven’t really been the same between us,” I said slowly. “Well...they haven’t really changed is the thing.”

“Yeah,” Eli scratched the back of his head, stretching his arm. “I know what you mean. I just don’t know how to fix it, I guess.”

“I don’t think there is a way to fix it. Eli, we’re pretty much the same person. If we’re not working as two people in a relationship, it doesn’t mean we aren’t working as friends, but that’s just the thing.”

“So -- you want to be friends?”

“We already are friends!”

Eli laughed -- he was actually laughing in the midst of a break up. Oh my god.

“You’re right. We are. We’re like friends with benefits, then?”

“Okay,” I said, starting to smile myself. “I would hardly say we’re friends with benefits, but it just -- it doesn’t feel like a relationship at times. You’ve become one of my best mates and I love having you in my life. No one understands the woes of coding like you do, no one likes chicken and jalapenos on their pizza like you do – we’re so compatible, but I just don’t feel like this relationship is really going anywhere.”

Eli sighed, looking at me from the opposite end of the couch. Our legs were tangled under the blanket I’d pulled over us and it was comfortable. Had I not brought this up, I’d have probably somehow ended up on his side and we’d have cuddled, but there was just no fire. We had no real chemistry other than our friendship and it just kept fizzling out the more time passed for us.

“I do agree,” he said. “So, do you want to break up?”

Fuck -- this was actually happening. I sighed, nodding my head. “I think we should, yeah. It doesn’t have to change anything, though. We can still be in each other’s lives, right?”

“Of course, Blair,” Eli said, a small smile on his lips. “I’d be surprised if we weren’t.”

“Good,” I said, letting out a sigh of relief. “I was scared you’d tell me to fuck off or something.” Eli laughed, throwing his head back on the headrest of the couch. I kicked him underneath the blanket, pouting my lips a little. “Don’t laugh at me, you arse.”

“You know what? You’re right. Fuck off. I never want to see you. I’ll be back tomorrow to drop your shit off. And take off that jumper -- it’s mine.”

“Stop,” I whined, kicking him some more until he pulled himself up and tackled me on the other end of the couch.

The two of us were laughing, wrestling around, and it was probably the best breakup I’d ever had. And that had to mean something. These past seven months with Eli were fun, no doubt. We had amazing dates where we did some of our favorite things. We got to know each other’s families; got to know each other’s friends, and I’d found a real, true friend. But he wasn’t my soul mate and I wasn’t in love with him.



Leah’s baby, Evan, was the size of a human bean when he was born, but as the months passed, he continued to grow and I sort of needed him to stop. I felt like he was my own son and I couldn’t handle the fact that he was getting bigger and trying to converse with me in his baby gibberish despite the fact that I never knew what he was saying. It was all too much and I would love it if he’d stay small forever so I could hold him and take care of him. As per my Godmother title, I did my best in spoiling him with new clothes and toys whenever I came around for a visit, which was often.

It was Christmas time and I’d come home for the holidays. Leah and Jamie went out with a few of their friends leaving me and mum to take care of Evan. I was feeding him on my lap in the living room when mum walked in from the kitchen, having just taken care of dinner for later. She smiled, sitting down beside me and gazing fondly at Evan. I watched as she spoke to him while he drank from the bottle before eventually looking up at me.

“How’ve you been, love?” she asked. “Everything alright back in the city?”

I nodded my head. “It’s fine. Work’s good...the girls are good. Eli and I are good, too. I still see him all the time. It’s as though nothing has changed.”

Mum smiled warmly. “You should bring him around again. He was so lovely. Your dad absolutely adored getting to know him.”

“Sure. I’m positive Eli would want to come as well. He loves you guys just as much as you love him.”

Mum hummed in response, letting the silence take over for a few moments before speaking up again. “How are your other friends from uni? The boys and Zoe.”

I lifted the bottle off of Evan’s lips since he was done and placed it on the table, wiping his mouth and chin before pulling him up to place on my shoulder for burping. “Zoe’s good,” I started to reply while patting Evan on the back softly. “She’s still in Paris -- came back for a month or so over summer before moving again. She really likes it there and wants to do a few more years. She even got some personal writing done, so that’s good. As for the other boys, they’re good, too. I mostly see Niall since he’s always over to see Layla. I met up with Liam, Zayn and Louis a few weeks ago. They’re doing great, too.”

Mum smiled, nodding along in acknowledgement as I told her. I watched her hesitate before asking the next thing. “And Harry? Do you hear from him at all?”

I tried not to let myself feel affected at the sound of his name, continuing to get Evan to burp, while shaking my head no. It was just that I hadn’t talked about Harry in a long time and as strange as it was -- he wasn’t in my thoughts every single second of the day. I did my own thing and day by day it felt more and more like he was fading away. I would only think of him if I actively tried to, which I didn’t, and at first it was hard, but nowadays I’d only think of him before I went to sleep. It felt like I was finally getting somewhere, but if I heard his name out of the blue or saw a picture, it was like none of that mattered. And suddenly I could remember how he smelled, the sound of his voice, the look on his face when he was coming, and what his favorite breakfast was.

“He wished me happy birthday, but that’s about it.”

“And are you okay with that?” My mum prodded, looking more concerned than I was expecting her to. She was coming out of left field with these questions and I genuinely wasn’t anticipating them. We hadn’t spoken about Harry since graduation.

I shrugged, finally getting that burp out of Evan and bringing him down to sit on my lap. “It is what it is. I can’t really force him to speak to me if he doesn’t want to -- and I mean -- at first it really bothered me because I really loved him, but now I know that it’s a lost cause.”

“You did...you really did love him very much. I could tell from the way you looked at him or spoke about him. It was different.”

“It was,” I agreed softly with a small smile. “Strange, too, because we weren’t really together that long nor had we known each other for years.”

“Yeah, but time doesn’t really measure love, does it? I’ve heard that you could be with someone for two years and not love them, but be with someone for two months and feel everything with them.”

I stared at my mum, getting this irrational feeling to sit down on her lap and have her coddle me because I could feel my heart start to get heavy again. I knew she wasn’t trying to open old wounds. She was just trying to talk, but what she said was extremely true and hit too close to home. I’d been with so many boys for so much longer and yet nothing of how I had felt for them matched up to how I felt for Harry in such a short amount of time. Just because we didn’t have the days didn’t mean our love wasn’t real. It was more real than anything I’d ever had with any other boy.

“Blair, can I ask you something?” My mum asked softly and I nodded at her. “Do you still love him?”

I should have been able to answer right away-- should have been able to adamantly shake my head and say no because it’d been months and I had moved on -- but I was silent. I couldn’t lie to my mum. I’d never been able to do that, so it felt staggering for her to ask me that when it was something I hadn’t actively thought about in a long time. I was able to move on from Harry, but there were nights where I’d dream and they’d always be of him. I would always be able to wake up the next morning and push those dreams and thoughts aside, but they would come back another night just to remind me.

And maybe that was why mum was asking me, because I was her daughter and she knew me better than most. She knew I wasn’t as okay as I said I was.

“I don’t know,” I eventually replied. “I mean...I’m over it. I promise, I’m over it, but it still hurts, you know? It hurts to think about him and think about loving him, so I don’t. Not anymore.”

Mum moved up from her seat and scooted closer to pull Evan and me into a hug. “I love you,” she said, kissing the side of my head. “My strong Blair bear.”



It was on a snowy January night that Liv came home, bundled up in her coat, scarf and hat, with a red nose and cheeks, but not from the cold. She was crying and after asking her for five minutes what happened I came to know that she and Dylan had broken up.

Layla wasn’t home at the time -- she went out with Niall to spend a weekend up in Ireland with his parents -- and I had managed to somehow take a sobbing, hysterical Liv over to the couch. She took off her outer garments through heavy tears and curled up with her head on my lap, crying harder than I’d ever seen her do before. I ran a hand through her hair, trying to soothe her as best as I possibly could while whispering encouragements to her -- it’ll be okay, you’ll be okay, I promise.

It wasn’t surprising that the two of them had broken up. Somewhere since last summer, things had been getting more and more strained between them due to the fact that they went to different schools and had different plans for once they were done. On top of that, Dylan took a job and had even less time to spend with Liv, which led to so many nights ending in a fight and while they eventually did make up, it was only temporary.

It broke my heart because I knew they loved each other so much and tried so hard to make it work, but I supposed it just didn’t work in the end.

“Blair,” Liv sniffled after some time.

“Yeah, babe?” I asked her, softly.

“When does it get better?” she asked me, shaking visibly through her words. “When does the ache go away?”

Her question brought tears to my own eyes. Partly because my best friend was hurting and I couldn’t do much for her, but mostly because I knew exactly what the ache was and that there was just nothing you could do to immediately make it go away. Broken hearts were tricky because people searched for that immediate remedy, but there was none. Nothing could fix it except for time and that in itself was so difficult. How long were you expected to carry around this pain in your heart?

And even then -- if you really loved that person, you don’t ever fully let go. You don’t stop hurting and you don’t stop loving them. They would always be a part of your heart and none of it truly goes away. The only thing to do is just keep living your life and try to push that part of your life back so that it didn’t take over every day of your life. Eventually, one day you would realize that you’re finally okay and while it still hurt and you still missed that person, you don’t completely remember the details. Your brain doesn’t subconsciously remember their smell or the way their mouth tasted or how they felt against you or the sound of their voice. It would start to feel like a lifetime away and it seemed like you had become a completely different person. And then you’d be alright.

“You just give it time, Liv,” I said at last, wiping her tears, while my own were trailing down my cheeks. “Give it some time and you’ll be okay.”

Liv sobbed, gripping onto my leg and hiding her face on it. “It hurts so much and I just want it to stop. I want her in my life so badly -- I love her so much, Blair.”

“I know, babe, I know,” I cooed, trying to keep my composure as I held on to her tightly, placing my head over hers. “I know you do. And she loves you, too.”

“She told me she did when we said bye. It’s so fucked up...we love each other, but can’t be together. It’s just not working.”

Liv continued to cry, holding onto me that entire night, and I didn’t notice when she fell asleep because I was too caught up in my own thoughts, running back what Liv said to me right before.

It’s so fucked up...we love each other, but can’t be together. It’s just not working.

I knew that all too well and I agreed -- it did fucking suck. And I realized the next morning as the sun peeked up that not everything is meant to be beautiful and everlasting. There were going to be people you met in your lifetime who would change it in some way or another -- whether it be to show you right from wrong, help you recognize who you are and who you can be, teach you to love yourself, teach you to love in general, and even just be someone you could confide in for a night. Not everyone is meant to stay with you forever and while that was difficult to accept, it was important to keep going and appreciate the time you got to spend with them.



I stared at my phone screen having written Harry’s contact in the send option, trying to figure out what to write.

It was his 24th birthday and I couldn’t figure it out for the life of me whether or not I should say something. I typed several things only to delete them all in the end.

hi, how are you? happy birthday!

it’s been almost 2 years and it’s still only you

i know we don’t talk anymore, but i wanted to tell you that i still care about you

i think i still love you

i’d thought i’d moved on, but…

i miss you

I backspaced on every single one of them, opting to cancel out of the messages app and shove my phone in my pillowcase before leaving the room. It was half past three in the morning and Harry’s birthday had started a few hours ago. I could only wonder what he was up too...either getting drunk or sitting up in his room, wide-awake. I bet he was tired from a long, hard week of revision and he was sitting at his bay window, looking out at the city, and I wondered if Harry ever thought about me in those quiet moments.

What happened just now happened quite often and I couldn’t help but struggle with it. It used to be so easy to talk to Harry at one point, but now it was anything but that. I just didn’t know what would happen if I did reach out because it broke my heart when he wouldn’t respond. I didn’t want to say hello and risk another goodbye. The two of us had made a mess, so maybe it was better off this way. And yeah, maybe I still dreamed about him coming up to me and asking me to try again, but that feeling wasn’t strong enough to make me reach out, either.



I replayed Louis’ snapchat of Harry, eyes widening in recognition. Wrapped around Harry’s head was the scarf I’d left in his sister’s room that time I’d stayed at his parent’s home in Cheshire. I’d figured I’d lost it when I was looking for it this past year and a half, giving up on ever finding it when I had turned my drawers upside down looking for it, and it was with Harry this entire time. Shit.

It was just strange seeing it -- seeing Harry wear it.

I’d returned all of his clothes back to him six months ago and while I knew Harry might have had some of my stuff, I didn’t realize he’d be using them. Normally when I saw his pictures on social media, I was able to look right past it, but this one knocked the wind right out of me. Probably because it felt like we were close to strangers with some old memories now and had nothing to do with each other.

It was March and just like last year, when the weather brightened up in contrast to the cold winter we suffered through, I thought of Harry again. Except, this time I was better at quelling down my thoughts. I felt like I was somewhere stuck between somewhat trying to remember him and also letting him go at the same time. I forgot about him long enough to forget why I needed to in the first place. Seeing this picture made that familiar nostalgia crawl back, making me scroll back to our Instagram pictures from our Uni days when we didn’t dream about going back in time. I wished we could go back to those times when we were actually living them.

The question was -- why did Harry still have this? Why was he wearing it? Did it still smell like me? Did it remind him of me and everything we had?



The Roof Gardens was busy as fuck when I entered that night. There were people everywhere, standing around and drinking whilst chatting with their mates, and I honestly felt so beyond agitated. I hadn’t gotten a chance to go home before and change since I was already so late to arrive, so I’d shown up in my office clothes; a pencil skirt, black short-sleeved button down, and neon yellow stilettos. I only wore these to look cute in the office because I knew I wouldn’t have to actually walk around in them. At a busy bar and restaurant -- well, that was a whole other story. I maneuvered -- or shall I say teetered -- my way through the crowd until I heard Niall’s boisterous laugh coming from one end of the restaurant.

I looked in that direction and spotted him and Layla standing beside the rest of the group before sighing in relief. I’d found them. Now, I had to just push my way through to them without face planting in front of hundreds of people. Once I made it, everyone looked over, grinning and greeting me.

“Hi,” I waved lamely with exhaustion. “Sorry for being late. Work was insufferable.”

“Forget work,” Layla said, coming around to hug me and kiss my cheek. “You’re here now. Let’s get you a drink, yeah? We’re here to celebrate.”

“Where’s the soon to be lawyer, then?” I asked.

“Behind you,” Niall laughed beside Layla.

I turned around, ready to pull Liv into a big hug, only to be met with someone’s chest -- a chest barely covered with a red, floral, see through fabric. And it should have been weird how I let my eyes travel down first rather than up, taking in the tight shirt (barely buttoned, might I add, giving a peek of familiar tattoos) that was tucked into a pair of black, ripped skinny jeans and all paired off with brown Chelsea boots. When I finally looked up it was to forest green eyes and a dimpled smile I’d missed all too long.

“Hi,” Harry smiled.

And before I could do or say anything, he was pulling me into a hug and all I could do was try to hold myself together long enough to hug him back. It’d just been so long and he still smelled exactly the same and his hair was so long, it was brushing past his shoulders and he was hugging me -- Harry was here and he was hugging me. He was actually here. My grip on him tightened that much more as I slowly started to realize that and Harry didn’t let up, either, only held on tighter.

I had completely missed him when I’d walked in. It didn’t even cross my mind that he’d come tonight because truth be told I thought I’d never see him again. It seemed like a lost cause because everyone knew about us and we always did things separately now. And as we hugged, I started to think of something that Harry had said to me back when we’d last met -- you feel like home to me.

I felt like I’d been homesick for him for the last two years.

“Missed you,” I heard him mumble against my ear.

I smiled, rubbing the small of his back and pulling away at arm’s length to look at him. God, he was so, so beautiful. And his hair -- I couldn't fucking believe it. “Missed you, too,” I said.

Harry smiled back, pulling away. “Didn’t expect me here, did you?”

“No,” I shook my head, unable to keep the smile off my face. “Liv didn’t mention. I didn’t have much of a chance to speak to her either. Been busy all day, but yeah, this is a nice surprise.”

“Glad you liked it,” Niall said, shooting me a mischievous smirk. Something told me he had a lot to do with this meeting.

It dawned on me then that if Niall was listening and watching Harry and I reunite, then so was everyone else. I chanced a peek at the rest of them and sure enough, they were all silently watching the two of us. It was a bit strange, but not entirely because they’d always been so involved when it came to the two of us -- watched us grow together and then grow apart.

“Harry passed his bar exam as well,” Louis explained. “When we heard about Liv celebrating tonight, we thought we’d bring this one along, too.”

“Good,” I said, smiling at Harry again. “Congratulations. Looking like a posh lawyer already.”

Harry laughed, making my stomach flutter with the sweet sound of his voice, and thanked me. Liv came over to me then, hugging me as well and getting me a drink, while Harry wandered back over to the boys.

“So,” she said once he’d walked away. “Is this okay?”

Layla looked at me with concerned eyes as well, the two of them barricading me away from the rest. I let out a nervous, almost overwhelmed, laugh. “I mean -- I’m surprised. I just wasn’t expecting to see him, but I’m happy. I’m so happy.”

“Really?” Layla asked, looking a bit surprised herself. “We thought you’d be mad, but Niall kept insisting that you’d never be.”

“I guess Niall knows me better than you two.” The two of them looked offended, about to refute with something, but I quickly cut in. “Let’s just have fun, yeah? It’s been so long since we’ve all gotten together like this with him. I wanna enjoy. Celebrate two successes tonight.”

Liv and Layla smiled in agreement and the three of us joined the other boys. A waiter soon came around to take our orders for dinner and once he wrote them all down in his pad, he left us to our conversations.

“Alright,” Zayn said, looking at Harry and Liv, both sat on opposite ends of the table. “What’s next for you two?”

Liv looked at Harry, waiting for him to answer, but he gestured for her to go ahead. She smiled before speaking. “I think I’m going to take a few months off and just relax before starting the year long pupilage. I’m beyond exhausted and feel like I need to do nothing for a while before jumping into all of that. Although, I know after the first two weeks I’ll get bored and jump right back in, but I’ll think about that later.”

“I think that’s a great plan,” I enthused. “You need your rest. You’ve done so much in such a short amount of time. You deserve it.”

“Agreed,” Layla nodded.

“What about you, Harry?” Liv asked. “It felt so weird not being in the same classes as you these past two years.”

“I know,” Harry exclaimed, laughing. “I would always find myself thinking that wow, if Liv was here I could have totally slept through lecture and gotten the notes from her, but alas.”

“Oi, you prat,” Liv pouted exaggeratedly.

Harry laughed. “I’m joking. I really did miss you, though. And congrats on your exam.”

“Thank you,” Liv beamed. "You, too."

“As for me,” Harry continued, clearing his throat. “I think I want to do the pupilage right away, but only after I find a place where I can. I’ve been thinking of some places, like Manchester and even here, but we’ll see.”

“Solid,” Louis said. “Isn’t it strange how we’re here, like, two years later and talking about all these adult like things?”

“Completely,” Niall agreed, chuckling. “We’ve all got bloody jobs now and doing adult bollocks, like paying the rent and going to the fuckin’ bank.”

“Have you gone full time at Metropolis then?” I asked Niall. I knew he was struggling with that company. After interning for a year, they kept him as a temp and it was frustrating him to no ends. He was even considering moving on from them after seeing Layla and Louis do that with the companies/people they worked for and seeing as they weren’t moving up in any way after a year or so, either.

Niall nodded in response. “I finally went and spoke to my manager and it was a done deal. Easy as that, can you believe it?”

“Hey, congrats, Niall,” Liv said, reaching over to give him a hug. “That’s awesome.”

“Thank you,” he replied bashfully, grinning ear to ear. “But as I was saying -- I fucking miss uni, guys. I miss the parties, I miss the frat, I miss our campus.”

“I miss it, too,” Liv said. “We used to have so much fun. Do you guys remember the scavenger hunt?”

"Yes," we all cried out in excitement, our eyes widening as the memories flooded our minds. That was so long ago and we truly did have such an amazing time that night.

“Hands down one of the best nights of my life,” I said.

“I still have the videos and pictures from that,” Zayn said. “The naked one always gets to me.”

“I feel like there were a lot of naked ones from that night,” Harry said, making us laugh.

“I miss Lego club, too,” I said.

“That club was amazing,” Harry agreed, smiling at me from across the table. “Speaking of which, Ed and I met up a few nights ago. He’s doing amazing.”

“I haven’t heard from him in a long time,” Liv said. “I see his Instagrams, though. Our little boy’s making it big, innit.”

“He got a record deal. Did you know?” Louis asked us.

“Shut up!”

“It’s true! He’s been recording and soon he’ll be playing shows in States.”

“I’m so proud,” I beamed, making a mental note to text Ed and congratulate him as soon as I got the chance.

We all started bringing up some of the best times from uni, like the Halloween party, the Valentine’s Day mixer, New Year’s Eve, all those nights we stayed in and all those nights we went out. It was like taking a trip down memory lane during dinner and I couldn't help but be beyond happy that Harry was there with us to share it. I’d found myself looking over at him at times in such disbelief that he was actually there only to have him smile shyly back at me. It didn’t feel like we were continuing off from where we left off, but instead starting completely over.

When we were done and all saying goodbye, he came over to me and hugged me tight. “We should meet up sometime,” he said to me when we pulled away.

“Yeah, sure,” I said. “Anytime.”

“Sounds good. I’ll see you around,” he smiled. “Goodnight, B.”

“Night,” I said, smiling back.



I found myself sat on the hood of Harry’s car twenty minutes later with him beside me while holding our coffee cups in hand. The last time we’d done this was exactly two years ago this month and I couldn’t quite believe it. Our group dinner had been about two weeks ago during May and while Harry and I had promised to keep in touch, I didn’t really allow myself to get my hopes up in any way. What would be the point if it didn’t end up being the case, especially when there was a huge chance it wouldn’t have been? I didn’t want to sit around and then be upset when it didn’t work out.

But here I was doing something that I’d thought I’d never get to ever again. And when I met Harry’s eyes, I started to realize how big this all was -- me and him. We’d gone through hell and back yet here we were. Time changed everything and it was clear that we weren’t quite the same people we were when we first met nor the same people we were when we said goodbye, but it felt nice knowing that this hadn’t changed between us. It was easy to slip into his car and banter the entire way over. I had teased him about his little bun on the ride over while he threatened to chop all my hair off, so it was totally casual.

“How’ve you been?” Harry asked me, breaking the silence. The roads were empty as per usual this time of night and the shop didn’t have a single customer inside. It sort of felt like we were the only two people in the world. “Haven’t seen or heard from you since last month. You barely update your social media anymore.”

I quirked a smile at him. “Trying to keep tabs on me?”

“I am, yeah,” Harry said without missing a beat. “Had to keep up with you somehow, didn’t I?”

“Wasn’t aware you were keeping up with me,” I told him, looking down at my cup, feeling my cheeks warm up. “I’ve been good. Just work as usual. Visited my parents a week ago. I go often nowadays actually. They get sad if I don’t.”

“That’s nice,” Harry said. “I should do that, too. Mum gets so cross when I don’t see her as much as I promise I would. School kept me too busy, though. I couldn’t quite find a way to have a social life and balance work as well.”

“What? No parties for the ex-frat boy?”

Harry laughed, his shoulder nudging mine. “No, no. Unfortunately I’ve become an adult and can’t do those things anymore. I’m in bed before midnight and up with the sun.”

“I, for one, am surprised.”

Harry looked affronted, brows furrowed in disbelief. “And what about you, huh? You used to down four shots at once and dance for hours. I don’t see crazy selfies from parties from you.”

“Well, yeah, let’s just agree to the fact that we’ve gotten boring.”

“Tragic, innit.”

“Tell me about it,” I muttered with a snort. Harry peered over at me curiously, his eyes searching my face until I broke out into a nervous smile. “What is it?”

“C’mon. In all seriousness...what have you been up to? I want to know about the last two years that I missed.”

“Why don’t you start? Tell me what you’ve been up to. How was school?”

“School was fucking boring and I’m so glad it’s done.” I burst out laughing, Harry joining along. “I mean -- like, it was a good experience. I had great friends. There was a core group of four of us who always studied together and stayed up pulling all nighters. They were the closest group of friends I had aside from you guys.”

“They sound nice. What were they like?”

“Well, there was Brad. He reminded me of Louis a lot -- super loud, always making us laugh and a troublemaker. Then there was Luke and Michael -- they were best friends and conjoined at the hip. And then there was Violet.” I froze at the mention of her name while Harry continued on, unaware. “She was the only girl in the group, but that was never an issue. She got on with us really well and was actually the most fun in the group.”

I’d been sort of hoping that Harry would bring her up at some point, but wasn’t sure how to get him to without sounding nosey or intrusive. It was why I kept asking him all these different questions that would eventually lead him to tell me. Now that he did, though, I wasn’t sure which direction to go in. A part of me wanted to know everything while another part of me wanted to remain clueless because I was scared it would hurt. Eventually, I decided to just be honest.

“Violet -- right. Louis mentioned her to me. Well, him and Zayn and Liam, too.”

Harry frowned like he wasn’t expecting this. “They did?”

I nodded my head. “We had dinner last August before Liam left for Crawley and they told me about her.”

“Oh,” Harry said, his voice trailing off.

When he wasn’t saying anything else, I spoke up again. “It’s fine -- we’re fine. It’s not weird.”

“No, yeah, I know,” Harry said, nodding his head. “I just don’t know what to say.”

“Tell me about her,” I suggested. “She seems nice.”

“She was,” Harry agreed. “Friendly and really attuned with what she wanted in life. I quite envied that about her because I know we all sort of know what we want to do, but not like her. She took it on with so much confidence that it was a little intimidating.”

“She intimidated you?”

“Sort of? Not in a bad way, like, she wasn’t trying to do it on purpose. I think most of the time I just sort of watched her take on everything with bravery and no amount of fear and that was nice to see.” Harry paused, taking a sip of his drink. “We dated about a year -- well, I’m not sure if we really dated that long. She told me she fancied me and asked me out herself at first.”

I widened my eyes in surprise. “Wow. She really is brave.”

Harry laughed, nodding his head with an air of fondness that I wasn’t quite sure how to feel about. “Yeah, I suppose. It was refreshing to be on the other end, I suppose.”

“What did you say when she asked you?”

“I said I’d think about it and then somehow whenever the two of us ended up alone, it just became like a date, and I didn’t really question it after that. We didn’t start labeling it till months after, but Violet says in her opinion, we’d dated a year.”

“Oh, okay. Why’d you break up?”

“Um,” Harry mumbled, scratching the back of his neck, unsurely. “We broke up last December before Christmas hols, which is really depressing, but I don’t know. We just weren’t on the same page with where we wanted our relationship to go.”

I nodded my head despite frowning in confusion.

“She said I love you,” Harry quickly replied when he noticed. “And I -- I couldn’t say it back.”

I was rendered speechless. Mostly due to the fact that I had no idea what would be appropriate for me to say after what Harry’d just confessed. It was more honest than I’d expected him to be, but Harry was always like that. Neither of us ever had a problem with pouring our hearts out to one another. Though, being his ex-girlfriend, it was an odd position to be in when he told me he couldn’t even say I love you to the girl he’d dated so much longer than we did and it didn’t take him more than a month to utter those words to me.

“It’s fine, though,” Harry said once he realized I wasn’t sure how to respond. “Maybe it’s best this way. I’ve started to realize that that’s just life. It can change things within a second and all you can do is just go with it. What was it that you told me once? Curveballs?”

I nodded my head weakly with a small smile. “Life throws you curveballs and changes everything.”

“Yeah. And I’ve started to accept that, too. It can be hard at times because I never wanted to hurt Violet, you know? But I’m sure she’ll be alright.” Harry put his cup between his legs and leaned back on his palms over the car. “What about you? I -- I, uh, heard you were seeing someone, too.”

I bit my lip nervously, wondering who’d told him. Maybe one of the boys, but it could have been the girls, too. “Eli,” I nodded my head eventually. “I met him through Dylan. She and Liv set us up and he’s sweet. We had fun together, but broke up back in October. We’re still mates, though. I see him all the time since we work near each other. He’s like my lunch buddy.”

“Eli,” Harry said, letting the name roll of his tongue. His expression was unreadable and I couldn’t help but think of what might be going through his head.

I sipped my coffee to distract myself. I wasn’t really sure of what to say next because I didn’t quite know what to tell Harry about Eli. He told me a lot about Violet, but only because I asked but he wasn’t doing the same. He looked deep in thought, instead, his brows scrunched up together, and his lips in a small pout. When I nudged him with my hand, he looked up.

“What are you thinking?”

Harry let out a soft breath, sitting back up. “Stuff, I guess. It’s all a bit weird. I know you feel that way, too.”

“I guess, yeah. How can it not be, though? It’s been two years.”

“Do you resent me?” Harry’s expression was serious, looking into my eyes, waiting for a reply.

The sad part was that I couldn’t reply right away. I hesitated, slightly taken aback by his question, and also wondering whether I did or not.

“How do you mean?” I asked.

“For ending things the last time we spoke.” Harry answered with a sigh. “You’ve no idea how much I’ve thought about this -- think about this, still. Sometimes I’d be halfway through dialing your number to call and ask, but I would stop last minute because then I’d be going back on my word. I couldn’t do that anymore and hurt you more than I already had. When you texted me and I didn’t respond back -- I hated it and I almost did respond back, but I couldn’t do that. I felt guilty and just always wanted to know if you resented me for everything.”

“No,” I said before shaking my head. “I mean, I don’t -- I don’t know. I don’t think I resented you. I understood where you came from and there were times these past two years where I really hated that you weren’t in my life anymore, but I got over it. I understood that this had to be done and that you needed to do it. It’s not like we were worse off, right?”

Harry watched me silently; his green eyes bright, and nodded his head. “I never wanted you to resent me for it. I didn’t want you to think it was easy for me, either. I lost a friend -- I lost you. What I did that day was probably one of the hardest things I’d ever done and it was killing me. I was so fucking lost for a while. I had no idea how to be without you, Blair.”

“Harry,” I said, my voice shaking as I scooted closer to him. He leaned into my touch, boring his eyes into mine. I put my cup down, taking one of his hands in mine and right away my stomach fluttered with butterflies that I’d forgotten I had. “There was no easy or simple way to do it. I know that. There is never a clean way to end things like this.”

“I tried really hard, though. I tried so hard to keep you around after the breakup because that was the whole point of breaking up. I wanted you to be in my life, but I went and fucked it up. I became so cynical that I couldn’t even recognize myself, so I felt like I had to do it because it was the right thing to do.”

“It’s not like I really stopped you that summer,” I said, my voice barely a whisper before looking up to meet his eyes. “I wanted all that to happen, you know? I was trying to remind you of what we could have if we weren’t broken up -- I wanted to win you back.”

“I’m so sorry,” Harry said, his voice quiet, too. “I’m so, so sorry. For everything. I’m sorry.”

Our faces were inches apart and if I just leaned a little forward, we could be kissing, but I didn’t. This conversation seemed bigger than that. Harry looked on the verge of tears and I didn’t want to take away from what he wanted to tell me because it seemed like something that had been building up for two years.

“I regretted it a lot for a while,” he said. “There were days and nights where I couldn’t get more than an hour of sleep because I felt like I couldn’t breathe with the knowledge that I couldn’t see you anymore. I lost so much when I let you go, but I still wanted to go through with it because I hoped we’d see each other again. And that this time we’d both be ready. Maybe I’m too late, but I’d really like you back in my life, B.”

“You do?” I asked him.

Harry nodded his head, brushing a strand of hair behind my ear. “One of the biggest things I’d realized these past two years was that we were bigger than everything that happened. What happened between you and Josh was so miniscule compared to what we had and it shouldn’t have taken as big of a toll on us as I let it. You mean more to me than any of that and I’ve long forgotten it. I just want you in my life again. I want to be friends again and I want to see you and talk to you again.”

I smiled; feeling like I was on the brink of tears myself. “I do, too. I want that more than anything.”

Harry broke out into a grin, pulling me into a hug and kissing my cheek, making my heart beat that much faster. I could still remember the look on his face when he’d told me that one day we’d meet again when we were older, better and different, and that things would fall into place. He’d looked so hopeful then and he looked hopeful now. We’d both grown and had been able to move past what had happened, but what hadn’t changed was how I felt about Harry.

And while I wouldn’t admit it -- even to myself -- I was still hoping it would be me and him in the end.