Breathe

Twenty minutes later, instead of slaving over my stupid paper on my laptop, I found myself sitting on the hood of Harry’s old, used Volkswagen and sipping coffee with him next to me. We were parked beside a small coffee shop just off campus and there was literally only one other person there. He looked like he was doing some top notch studying with four cups of coffee surrounding him and his books on his table by the window.

Harry and I hadn’t spoken much, other than the usual hello and what not. He seemed tired, but he said he couldn’t sleep, which I didn’t quite get. I adjusted the beanie on my head and leaned back against the glass pane.

“What’s Liv up to?” Harry asked, turning to look at me. He lifted his coffee cup up to his lips and took a tentative sip after blowing on it.

“She was passed out on the couch when I left,” I told him, chuckling. “There were about five textbooks open so I assume she knocked out in the middle of revision. She studies so hard.”

Harry nodded, laughing himself. “She shows up everyone in our  class, but not in a bad  way. She’s an overachiever, and I admire that.”

“I know,” I agreed. “I wish I was more like her. My paper would have been done ages ago. However, I don’t think I could ever be as smart as her.”

“Heeey,” Harry drawled out, looking at me like I offended him. “Don’t talk down on yourself like that. You’re plenty smart. Sometimes you’re busy and you can’t always get a paper done right away. Happens to all of us, I’m sure, including Liv.”

I smiled at the thought of him not liking me talking down on myself. It wasn’t just now. Harry always seemed to do that. I’ve noticed it a few times before when we’d hung out. I remembered this one time Niall was talking about his footie skills and how he really needed to brush up because he didn’t think he was that good. Harry had sat him down and gave him such a nice pep talk, which had Niall blushing and hugging him for a good five minutes after.

He seemed like the type of guy who just wanted everyone to be happy and sure of themselves. It was a nice thing. Not a lot of people were like that. There were  some who pretended to be like that, but Harry’s concern for others was all real and genuine.

“What class is the paper for anyway?”

“English,” I sighed. “It’s kind of a stupid class considering it has nothing to do with my major. However, I didn’t take it at King’s and it’s a required course so now I’m stuck having to discuss and analyze the relationships in Shakespeare’s plays.”

“That’s not too hard,” he said slowly. “Shakespeare’s plays were all literally teenagers messing about and people dying here and there. You can totally do this.”

I shrugged. “I know I can, I’m just too lazy to.”

“If you want, I can help. I’m pretty good in English.”

“I’ll let you know if I need anything,” I said, smiling at Harry.  

“I mean, discussing and analyzing other people’s relationships is simple, it’s only hard when you try to do the same for your own.”

I watched him carefully as he suddenly went into deep thought. “Is that why you can’t sleep?” I asked. “I know you’re tired and your eyes are probably really heavy. Too much on your mind? ”

“Pretty much.”

“Mind if I ask why?”

Harry shrugged. “Life’s weird.”

“Can’t argue there.”

“It’s like you’re living your life, and it’s set a certain way, yeah? And you’re just living it and going down this path, but then things just slowly start changing around you and suddenly you’ve got to change your entire route. It’s weird.”

“I can relate to that,” I said to him. “Did you know when I started applying to uni’s I had a completely different major and school in mind? And not only did my major change, but I changed schools too. I never wanted to go to King’s or Imperial. I wanted to go somewhere completely different, and as time passed and life threw different curveballs my way, I had to change my path  too, I guess.”

“But are you happy?” Harry asked, looking at me intently.

Was I happy? Sure, I never thought I’d be where I was now, but when I thought long and hard about it...it wasn’t that bad. I was with friends and I had great things going for me. So, yeah, I could reasonably say I was happy.

I nodded my head. “I’m happy.”

“You’re embracing the change.”

“Everyone should embrace all the changes that happen throughout their life. Life is never meant to be lived at a stand still. It’s always supposed to keep moving and evolving. It’s how you take the change and react to it that matters. If your response to change is positive, good things will come.”

Harry was staring down at his hands in his lap. His coffee was resting between his thighs on the car metal, slowly cooling down. “You remember when I told you about my girlfriend, Darcy?”

I nodded my head. “You’ve mentioned her.”

“I think that we’re going to break up,” he said.

“Oh.”

“Yeah,” he continued. “It’s not, like, anyone’s fault. We aren’t fighting either. Things are just...all of a sudden changing. Mostly between us. Things are starting to fizzle out, and we’re just drifting apart, but the more I think about it, the more I realize that it’s been something that’s been happening for a long time. I was just too blind to see it.”

“Can you be a bit more specific?”

He nodded, turning to face me. “We started dating the year before Uni started. Then we both went to different schools and obviously got, like, a whole new circle of friends. She has her friends over there and I have mine here. She also lives on campus, so I don’t really see her a lot.”  

“Where does she go?” I asked.

“Manchester,” he replied. “It’s a bit of a trip whenever we do see each other, which isn’t often. With my course workload and hers, it’s next to impossible to find time. The most we’ll see each other is maybe a weekend or two every month other than summer. Texting, calling, and video chatting has become a bit like a chore for both of us, quite frankly.”

“When was the last time you saw her?”

“Last month, I think.”

“That’s not so bad,” I offered, trying to cheer him up. “It’ll be fine.”

“I don’t know, Blair. I feel like we’re both holding on to this thin thread that’s become frayed. These things happen to couples, I just never thought it would happen to us.”

“What happens now, though?”

“I have no idea,” he said, shrugging. “It’s life, like you said. It throws its curveballs, and we’re just supposed to take it and go with it.”

“Exactly.”

Harry smiled softly, turning to look at the road ahead as a few cars drove by. His dimple was sunk in, and he seemingly looked a bit less burdened. I was glad he was able to help Harry ease some of that weight.

“What about you then?” he asked, still facing forward. “Found anyone new you like?”

I almost laughed out loud. “Nope. I’m single and I’ve been single for almost two years.”

“People stay single for years. Not a big deal.”

“Yeah, I know,” I said. “I’m not complaining at all, to be honest with you. I quite prefer it this way.”

“You like being alone?” he asked, turning to look at me again.

“No,” I shook my head. “I don’t mean that I like being alone. I think it’s more that I like being independent. I’ve had relationships...mostly flings. And I’ve liked a lot of guys even though we didn’t even date, which might sound confusing. Okay, how do I explain this?” I thought for a few moments before looking at him. “Have you ever felt like you’ve felt everything there is to feel and now you’re kind of just ready for the real deal?”

Harry thought for a moment, scrunching up his brows. “Do you mean you’re looking for the one?”

“I don’t know,” I said. “Like, okay. All my life I’ve liked all these guys and some of them I had things with.”

Harry started to laugh, loudly, his voice ringing out. “Define things.”

“Not like that,” I groaned, covering my face briefly as I blushed. “I mean like hook ups and flings. And I’ve also had a relationship here and there. Like actual ones. And my last one was, like, a disaster. I wasted my time on this idiot, who I don’t even want to talk about.”

“But I want to know about him,” Harry insisted, still grinning.

I rolled my eyes. “Maybe another day.”

“Fine, fine. But continue with what you were saying.”

“I think,” I started. “What I’m trying to say is that I’ve spent all my life liking all these guys and I took the past two years to really look at the choices I made. Some of them were okay, but most of them I regret because they treated me like shit and I deserved better. I went from liking one guy to another guy and I fell too hard and too quickly. It always ended up a mess, mostly on my end. I think it was a result of me just being a dramatic teenager, but now that I’m growing up and I’m older, I’ve seen the error of my ways. I know now what I’m looking for and I know what I want and need. So, if I see someone I really like that I know will be good to me, then I guess I would be down for it. However, I won’t waste my time anymore falling for people who will only hurt me in the end.”

“You’re comfortable and you’re happy where you are,” Harry concluded from my little speech.

“Yeah, I am. Like, I’m not actively looking for anyone like I used to. If it’s meant to be, it’ll happen on it’s own.”

“That’s quite nice,” he said. “I like that you’ve figured out who you are and what you want because most people our age haven’t.”

“Thank you,” I smiled. “Thank you,” I smiled. During my speech, he somehow shifted back and leaned against the glass pane with me. The two of us lied there, staring up at the night sky. “I do miss that stuff though, sometimes.”

“What stuff?” he asked, looking at me again.

“The flirting and the hand holding and the cute stuff.”

“They’re pretty nice, I guess. When was your first kiss?”

I laughed. “When I was, like, four. I kissed this boy I used to play with.”

“That doesn’t count,” Harry insisted. “You were like a toddler.”

“Okay...the one after that was probably in Year 8. I liked this guy...I actually thought I was in love with him. It was in a dark classroom and he told me he loved me. I was proper smitten.”

Harry chuckled quietly. “Mine was in Year 6. I kissed a girl back home in the park against a tree. It was pretty steamy.” He looked so smug, I couldn’t help but giggle as I looked up at the sky turning a soft purple.

We continued to lie there and talk about different things. Mostly just questions going back and forth about our lives. It was fun. So fun, that I bolted upright when I saw the sun slowly start coming up, making the sky turn a light blue.

“Shit,” I gasped, checking the time. I literally had less than three hours to get my paper done. Harry looked at me and his eyes widened when he realized what I was suddenly so panicked about.

“I’ll drive super fast,” he promised, practically falling off the hood of the car and getting into the driver’s seat. True to his word, we reached my flat in five minutes. I got out and closed the door before looking back at him.

I put my hands on the car door where the window was open and leaned down toward Harry. “Thanks for the coffee and all. It woke me up.”

Harry laughed. “Hopefully it keeps you up long enough to finish your paper. Thank you, too, by the way. For spending time with me.”

“I had fun,” I told him honestly. “It’s rare for me to find people who I can sit down with and completely lose track of time. It’s nice.”

“We could keep doing this if you want,” he offered shyly. “Next time one of us has to stay up or can’t sleep.”

I grinned at him. “I’m down for that.”

“Cool,” Harry smiled, dimples popping. “I’ll let you go. See you at school.”

I waved to him before backing up away from his car and letting him drive away.

I somehow pulled through the next few hours and printed out my finished paper before trudging to school. Thankfully, I only had two classes that day, and once I handed in my paper at my last class, I quickly went back home. Well...as quickly as I was able to in his zombie-like state. I was crashing hard when I got to my room.

I knew the perfect way to make sure I slept like a baby. I took a warm shower and then drank a glass of milk before making my bed and getting into it. I felt so content, finally giving into my slumber. However, my phone started to vibrate under my pillow so I fished it out and unlocked it.



“Okay, I’ve got one,” Harry said as he sat across from me in the senior common room. “Tell me something that you miss.”

“Now, that’s a question,” I said, rather impressed. I thought about it for a while before shrugging. “I don’t know, to be quite honest with you. I do get nostalgic a lot about old times.”

“Like what?”

“Like...old friends who I don’t talk to anymore. Or like the way things were before. Even if like I’m happy with how things are right now, I’ll feel nostalgic for old times when things I guess were simpler, simply because I was younger. However, when you’re a teenager, everything felt like the end of the world. Boy, was I naive.”

“I can relate to that. Sometimes I think about how simple life was back in Cheshire,” he chuckled. “Before I had a serious girlfriend. Before I had to start thinking about getting my own place and getting a job. God, I do miss that.”

“Me too,” I agreed.



“I know that we’ve been covering some pretty basic areas while doing this question a day thing,” I said. “However, I kind of want to ask something that’s been on my mind for the longest time.”

Harry, who was leaning back against the glass pane on the hood of his car, seemed rather comfortable as he stared up at the slow sunrise. His legs were crossed and he looked peaceful. “The point of these questions is that we get to ask each other anything we want. Anything that’s on our minds, innit?”

“True,” I agreed, still looking at him rather than the sunrise. “Why don’t you sleep?”

He finally turned to look at me, and I expected him to look bothered, but instead he laughed. “Why don’t I sleep?”

“Yeah,” I said. “You’re always up at the wee hours of the night. And in the morning you’ve got classes and you’re a law student. I’m positive that you’ve got a ton of coursework, which you do. And you’ve got friends and a frat and football. Are you a robot, or something? A vampire?”

Despite my teasing, Harry wasn’t laughing anymore. He looked like he was at a loss for words as he sighed and rested his face back so his head was tilted up at the sky. “I don’t know. Why do you think I don’t sleep?”

“Well,” I said slowly. “I don’t know either. It’s why I’m asking, obviously. You know what I’ve heard, though?”

“Hmm?” he hummed. “What’s that?”

“People who don’t sleep at night are either lonely, drunk or in love.”

Harry chuckled at that. “What about you then? Which one of those are you?”

“I’m obviously not drunk and neither are you, unless you spiked your coffee when I wasn’t looking.”

“Are you lonely, then? Like, do you ever get lonely not having that someone in your life?”

“Sometimes, yeah,” I whispered. It was weird that I was even saying this because usually I didn’t let people know this side of me. I always let them think I was okay and that I didn’t need anyone...that I was fine on my own. With Harry, it was surprisingly easy being honest. “Sometimes it’d be nice to have someone, I guess.”

“It would, wouldn’t it?” Harry whispered back, almost as if speaking to himself rather than me.

I wondered if Harry was lonely, too, despite having Darcy. He didn’t answer my question and I didn’t want to keep prodding him to the point where he became uncomfortable. It was obvious that he himself was trying to figure out what it is that he wanted or needed. It was clear he was going through something and he was just trying to make sense of it.

When I got home it was around six in the morning. I walked into the flat and found Liv in her bathrobe in the kitchen. “Hey,” I smiled, feeling awkward as I closed the door behind me. I pulled off my beanie and put it on the counter. Liv was pouring herself a bowl of cereal and turned to me once she put the milk back in the fridge.

“You just got home?” she asked, raising an eyebrow.

I nodded. She knew that some nights I slipped away to go for coffee runs with Harry. We always promised that it would last only an hour or so, but every night we just lost track of time and ended up staying until the sun was completely up. And even though she knew, I didn’t know why, but I still felt weird talking about it with her. As though I got caught doing something I shouldn’t have been, which was ridiculous.

“You were with Harry again, right?” She was leaning back against the counter, eating cereal and staring me down.

“Yeah,” I replied meekly.

“Okay,” she hummed, taking a big bite in. “What the hell is going on between you two?”

“Nothing,” I cried. “We’re just two friends who talk and get coffee.”

“In the middle of the night!”

“So?” I shot. “It’s morning on the other side of the world. Maybe we’re just in the wrong time zone.”

“Well, too bad you’re currently living in this time zone. You’re looking more and more like a zombie every day without any sleep.”

“I do sleep.”

“You go to class, you come home and crash, wake up and do some course work, and then you’re out with him all night.”

“I don’t do it every night,” I insisted.

“I don’t know why you do it at all,” she shrugged. “Like, you could talk to him in the morning. Go over or have him come over. Meet up in campus. Anything. You guys are crazy.”

Liv had a point. I understood where she was coming from, but I was quickly realizing that I’d rather talk to Harry than sleep. I wanted to talk to him more than I wanted to sleep.

“Anyways,” she said. “It’s your thing. So, I guess I shouldn’t judge. What do you guys even talk about?”

“A lot of things,” I mumbled. “Like, we ask each other a question a day, and sometimes we literally just talk for hours about the simplest things. And then there are some nights when we talk about really deep things. It’s nice.”

“How are he and his girlfriend doing?” Liv asked.

“Not so good,” I replied, thinking of all the frowns and sad looks that overtook Harry’s face whenever the topic of Darcy was brought up during our late night coffee runs.

“Yeah, Niall was telling me something about that. Trouble in paradise.”

“No paradise,” I scoffed. “From what he’s told me, they’ve been drifting for a really long time, and lately it’s just become worse. He’s quite upset about it. Talks about it with me sometimes.”

Liv gave me an impressed smile before adding more cereal in her bowl. “That’s cool, I suppose. Have you ever seen Darcy?”

I was stumped because for as much as Harry talked about her, I realized I had no idea what the girl even looked like. “No,” I replied. “Wow...I really haven’t. I’m going to look for her now.” I quickly pulled out my phone and went on Instagram to do some stalking. 



“She’s pretty,” Liv commented, now standing beside me and looking at my phone screen.

“She really is,” I agreed. “She doesn’t really look bitchy?”

Liv laughed. “Were you expecting her to?”

I shook my head, but then shrugged. “I don’t know. Like, she’s upsetting Harry so I assumed she’d be bitchy, but she actually seems really cool and nice?”

“Every story has two sides,” Liv reasoned. “Like, Harry could be equally upsetting her. It’s not really anyone’s fault, right? They’re both just drifting apart?” I nodded my head. “Then maybe she’s struggling just as much as Harry is.”

“Maybe,” I nodded, scrolling down her pictures some more.



Niall, Liam, Zayn, Louis, Liv, Zoe and I were all stood in a line in our living room. “Okay,” Liv said, with the stereo remote in her hands. “On the count of the three, I’m going to play it again. Let’s do this one more time.”

I giggled as she pressed play for the upteenth time and the first notes of “Everybody” by the Backstreet Boys started to play. The seven of us did the whole music video dance routine to perfection as we had been practicing for the past hour or so. Turns out, we all loved ourselves a little Backstreet Boys from time to time and just couldn’t resist. What else were seven uni kids supposed to do on a Friday night?

Uni! Party! Turnt!

“Am I original?” Niall crooned.

“Yeah!”

“Am I the only one?” Zayn sang.

“Yeah!”

“Am I sexual?” Niall grabbed his crotch and thrusted into the air.

“Yeah!”

It was really funny because we all decided that Niall was Nick, Zayn was Brian, Liam was Howie, Louis was AJ, and Harry was going to be Kevin, but he wasn’t here. He was the only one that didn’t come over because turned out he was meeting Darcy after a month of not seeing one another. The two of them were currently over at his flat. It kind of sucked not seeing him, but I tried not to be too upset about it because maybe this meant he and Darcy could talk and work things out. I really just wanted him to be happy.

After more dancing and singing, we finally settled back on the couches with a few takeaway boxes from Hunan Palace down the block.

“Did we tell you girls about date night?” Liam asked, shoveling fried rice in his mouth.

Liv shook her head. “I know about it, but you guys haven’t mentioned it. Is it coming up soon?”

“Yeah,” Louis answered. “In about two weeks.”

“What’s date night?” I asked, biting down on my chicken wing.

“Date night is a frat thing,” Niall interjected. “All the boys get in their best tuxes and ask their favorite girl to go to date night. We dance, we drink, we have a good time. This year is supposed to be really good.”

“Why’s that?” Liv asked.

“Because we’re planning it,” Liam laughed.

“It’s going to be legend-wait for it-,” Niall began before pausing with a big grin. “Harry! LegandHarry. Clever, innit?”

Half the people in the room rolled their eyes, while the other half scolded him on his bad jokes. It only made me wish Harry was here. I decided to text him and see what was up with him. Harry probably wouldn’t respond as quickly since he was spending precious time with Darcy, but I was wrong because he did right away. 



I was just about to close the messages app when another blinked up. It was one of my oldest friends Layla. She texted me in capital letters asking me where the fuck I’ve been. I laughed and locked the phone before putting it down.

“What’s funny?” Liv asked.

“Layla just texted me. She wants to know where the fuck we’ve been.”

“Who’s Layla?” Louis asked. “Is she hot? She sounds hot.”

“Oh yeah,” Liv whistled. “She has boys falling for her left and right.”

“Shit,” Niall muttered, mouthful of lo mein. “What does she look like?”

“Words don’t justify her, Ni,” I replied. “You have to see her to believe it.”

“Well, what are we waiting for?” Liam asked.

Liv and I laughed and I opened my phone again to text Layla back. Liv, on the other hand, was telling everyone about her.

“Layla and Blair went to school together since nursery and they basically grew up together. I was actually friends with Layla before I was friends with Blair when I met them in sixth form. She didn’t hate me like Blair did.”

“For the hundredth time,” I yelled. “I didn’t hate you! You never talked!”

“You were never there to talk with,” she yelled back. “You were always cutting!”

“I didn’t want to be in that class!”

“Because you hated me!”

“I’m so tired of this argument,” Louis commented dryly, rubbing his temple. Liv and I laughed before she continued.

“She’s basically the one that helped Blair and I become friends. She goes to London Met, though. Only reason why we don’t see her as much.”

“It’s quite sad,” I tacked on. “I went to school with her for like fourteen years of my life and now we don’t. Felt so weird in the beginning.”

“What’s she like?” Niall asked.

“She’s a feminist,” I said. “She likes taking a lot of selfies and every single one of them turn out super hot. She has a collection of snapbacks and she dates assholes.”

“Ugh, like Charles Pomphrey,” Liv cringed. I shuddered remembering that disaster. Charles Pomphrey was a dick.

“Oh and she’s a great singer,” I added. “Like I could listen to her sing for hours.”

“I want to meet her!” Louis, Liam and Niall all yelled at once.

I laughed. “You’re in luck. She’s coming down here for the party tomorrow night. Just asked her and she said she’s down.”

“Lads,” Louis said, leaning back and looking at Niall and Liam on either side of him. “One of us is going to get laid this weekend.”

“It’s obviously going to be me,” Niall said, scoffing.

“And why the fuck won’t it be me?” Liam asked.

“Because it’s going to be me,” Louis snapped. “Now, are you two quite finished?”