Breathe

“Do you have regrets?” Harry asked me one night, lying down on the hood of his car and staring up at the night sky. He had his hands shoved in his pockets, little curls peeking out from beneath his dark green beanie.

I hummed and thought about it, while sinking half my face into my scarf from the cold. “I think so, yeah. Although, I feel weird about them because you know how they say you shouldn’t have regrets?”

“Yeah,” Harry nodded. “They say that you shouldn’t have any because at some point that was exactly what you wanted.”

“I don’t really like that saying,” I told him. “Like, okay yeah, maybe I did want that thing at some point, but the thing is, I only wanted it when I didn’t know what would happen later on. Like, what the outcome would have been or how negatively it impacted my life.”

“What do you mean?” he asked, frowning at me.

“I just think that that quote is bullshit. I regret stuff. I regret a lot about my past, like boys I’ve liked and trusted and the way I felt about myself,” I said. “I regret them, but I won’t deny they were learning experiences.”

“The boys you’ve liked meaning the ones you told me about before?” he questioned.

I nodded. “Like, they treated me badly and it was stupid of me to waste all that time liking them when in the end it just led to me getting hurt. I trusted them too easily and I’d believe whatever they said. It was very naive of me. Now, when I look back I regret it and it’s so embarrassing.”

“I think a lot of people feel that way because we make mistakes as we’re growing up. Especially when it comes to love and how we react to other people.”

“Probably. Like, everyone has probably liked one person in their life who they think about now and just cringe, you know?”

Harry laughed. “Yeah, mine would probably be Diane.”

“Who is Diane?” I asked him curiously, smiling.

“My mum’s friend,” he replied, laughing harder. I made a short, yelping noise and started laughing with him. Harry’s face was turning red as I shoved him, playfully.

“What do you mean your mum’s friend?”

“When I was thirteen, I thought my mum’s friend, Diane, was fit. Oh my god.” He was wheezing, not able to finish his sentence. “It was the creepiest thing ever. Gemma was the first one to find out because I wrote about it in my journal. She actually went and told them and Diane made it so awkward, mum stopped inviting her over.”

“You had a journal?” I asked him, laughing even harder.

“Fuck off, they were good for me because I could write my thoughts in it.”

“More like your wet dreams and dirty fantasies about your mum’s friend. Honestly, Harry.”

“I cringe when I think about it now,” he cried. “Like, I think I mostly liked her because she was so nice to me and I was always such a geek. Like, girls my age did not like me back then. And Diane was nice. Too bad she stopped coming around. I couldn’t face my mum for a few days, though.”

I continued to laugh, clutching my stomach and after a while Harry just pouted. I tried to calm myself down and looked at him with a calm expression. “Okay, I have no room to laugh, I was just as embarrassing when I was younger. I lied to you about something.”

“What did you lie about?”

“Remember when I told you that I had my first kiss when I was four, but you said it didn’t count and then I told you about when my next kiss was?”

“Yeah,” Harry said.

“I lied because I kissed another boy when I was seven,” I shrugged.

Harry stared at me for a long time with a gaping expression until he said, “What kind of a child were you? Like, what were you doing, because it sure as hell wasn’t taking naps and playing with Barbie dolls?”

I laughed and covered my face. Harry laughed beside me and we both quieted down after a while. I realized then that our bodies were pressed against each other. Shoulder to shoulder, thighs to thighs. I didn’t even notice it had happened, nor did I notice that we were leaning towards each other. It was comforting, almost like a semi cuddle.

“Hey Blair,” he said, softly.

“Yeah?” I turned to him.

“When you were telling me about things you regret, you mentioned that you regret the way you felt about yourself. What did you mean by that?”

I chuckled, nervously, because I didn’t usually like telling this story to everyone. It wasn’t a story, more like an ugly part of my past. However, I knew that it was something that I no longer felt weighed down by. I could talk about it in a new light.

“When I was younger,” I started. “I had extremely low self-esteem. I was self conscious about how I looked and I had depression for a while as well. Sometimes, I still do. Like, it’s seasonal. Whenever winter comes around, I go through bouts of low, low days.”

“I never knew that,” he said, extremely quiet and soft.

“Not a lot of my friends do, but it’s something that I’ve overcome and it’s not a big part of my life anymore.”

“Why were you self conscious?” he asked.

“I don’t know,” I laughed softly. “Like, there were certain features of mine that I didn’t like and if you saw pictures of me from back in the day, you’ll notice I had some weight on me as well. I think it stemmed from me being bullied when I was in primary. It took a toll on me and I let others get to me.”

“Bullies are disgusting,” Harry frowned. “I never understood people who bully others because it's such a vile thing to do. Like, you’re upsetting someone for no reason at all. Why would you do that? What do you gain from it?”

“I agree with you,” I said to him. “Kids are cruel sometimes. They don’t understand the consequences of their words. Anyways, I let it get to me and I had such low self-esteem. I really hated myself. I started to believe the names they used to call me--I believed them to be true. The things that they said stuck with me. And it continued for a few years.

“I was depressed a lot, I’d sit in my room and just cry. I used to think that the boys I liked would never like me because I wasn’t good enough or pretty enough for them. If I failed at anything, I’d be really hard on myself. Basically, I was becoming my own bully, you know what I mean?”

“That’s not good,” Harry said. He looked so soft beside me, his eyes full of sadness. “Like, Blair. Do you know how amazing you are? It’s literally breaking my heart to hear you say stuff like this even though I didn’t know you back then.”

I laughed and put my hand over Harry’s, which was now lying on his thigh. “You don’t have to feel bad. I’m fine now. I really am. I’ve overcome everything over the past two or three years. Since my last break up actually, I went through a really rough time and then this one night I just snapped out of it. It completely changed me.”

“What do you mean?” he asked. “What happened during your last break up?”

“One story at a time, Styles,” I said, chuckling. “Point is, I worked on myself and the things that I was self conscious about. I realized that being upset all the time was getting me nowhere and I had to do something in order to change that. Being happy is a choice, how you react to negativity is a choice. I accepted the things I couldn’t change, like my lips or my eyes, which I’ve always been a bit self conscious about. And I realized that I’m a good person who has a great heart and I deserve to love myself and want great things.”

“You do and you are!” Harry cried, enthusiastically, making me laugh. “Please don’t ever think otherwise.”

“I’m not,” I reassured him. “I know your first instinct is to feel bad for me and tell me all these things, but what I used to feel and think isn’t something that anyone can kiss away, or a bruise that they can just bandage up. It’s something that I had to live with and I’m moving on from. I used to wait for someone to save me until I realized that what I need is for my loved ones to be there for me while I saved myself, which they did and still do.”

Harry was quiet for a few moments, letting what I said sink in. He did this weird, cute pouty lip thing as though he was thinking quite hard. “I never thought about it like that,” he said. “But, it actually makes sense.”

“Yeah,” I said. “Like, the first thing I learned was that I can’t rely on others to save me or make me happy and push my troubles away. It was going to have to be from me otherwise I was not going to ever be okay. You can’t depend on others like that. It was hard, but I read this quote once that really helped me.”

“What quote?”

“I don’t remember it word for word, but I remember, like, what the overall idea was. When I would get really down, I’d become lethargic. Wouldn’t want to leave my bed or do anything. Just wanted to sit in my room, alone with my music. Super angsty and what not. So, one day I was online and I read a quote, which said to get out of bed, make a hot drink and go outside. It said that I owed myself at least that much and that it’s something that will take time, that I’ll still want to cry from time to time, but those times will lessen as time goes by. I was reminded that I have dreams and goals that I have to achieve--that life is too short to be in bed, pitying myself rather than going out there and doing things that make me happy. I wanted to start everyday with a smile. An if something ruined it halfway through, then I was going to give myself a minute to breathe knowing I’ll be fine once again because every minute, every day is new and it’s up to us to make the most of it.

“There will be times when things will crash and burn, because shit happens, but I have to always remember that hope is a good thing. I can cling on to that and not let go. With hope, I can start my life again and again whenever I need to because it’s not the end yet.”

Harry smiled at me, putting an arm around me, until we were definitely cuddling. “I like that. A lot actually.”

“I did too,” I said to him, letting my senses be filled with his smell. It was distinct and reminded me of nights just like this when the cold drove us to get closer and closer to each other. “But, I look back now and I do regret spending so much time just being sad and making the wrong choices. I always was so dramatic.”

“Dramatic?” he asked.

“Yeah,” I replied. “I was a very dramatic teenager. I think that’s why I never had an in between or a grey area. I either fall in love very hard or I don’t like someone at all. I either don’t sleep or I sleep for ages. It’s in my nature, I think, to just be completely passionate about things.”

“It’s good, I think, to be passionate about things. You’re never half assed about the things you feel or do then. Seriously, though, I’m just glad that you helped yourself and overcame these things that you were feeling because a lot of people resort to super drastic things, like, suicide.”

“There were times when I thought about it,” I admitted to him, making his fingers clench around my jumper in means of holding me in place. “But, I just thought that this couldn’t be it. My life wasn’t just going to end here. Right? There was so much more I wanted to do. If you want to kill yourself, kill the person you have become and start new. Life keeps going and doesn’t stop for anybody. It’s always changing, so you have to just hope for the best.”

Harry was simply staring at me, so when I turned and couldn’t help but smile, I shoved him lightly. “What?” I asked.

“You’re just really fucking strong and I wanna hug you, okay?” he said to me before pulling me further into his chest and hugging me. I laughed, pretending to hate it as I pulled away.

“God, don’t be like that. I’m fine now. I’m very happy. I hardly ever think about that time of my life.”

“You shouldn’t,” he said, looking at me seriously. “Always smile. I want to always see you smile.”

I grinned at him obnoxiously and he chuckled, still holding on to me. Harry added, “Oh and by the way, I don’t know why you were ever self conscious about your lips or your eyes. They’re beautiful. Your eyes are amazing, B. Never seen eyes like yours.”

I couldn’t reply because I was starting to blush and my stomach felt a little funny. So I laughed and looked up at the sky. Harry did the same and I let the silence take over.

Something hit me right then. Having this conversation with Harry was a bit eye opening in terms of how much of myself I exposed to him. Like I said, I didn’t usually tell people these things about me. Harry and I’d been talking for a few weeks and with each time we met, we opened up more and more. Not just on my end, but on his, too. We were honest with each other about how we felt, our insecurities, our past. I felt comfortable with him, which was rare for me. I felt like he could understand the things I told him and the more we spoke, the more I realized why.

We were similar, was the thing. We had similar dreams and we were both determined to get there. The same things excited us and the same things concerned us. Looking at him, sitting next to me in the dead of the night outside of a coffee shop, I knew that I had come face to face with someone who was going to change my life. It was rare to meet people and just know that they would have some sort of impact in your life. His personality was fascinating to me and if I allowed, it could absorb me.+++

I texted Harry two days later to let him know that I couldn’t go out for coffee on account of catching caught the worst cold, like, ever.

I figured I could lay in my bed, watch Netflix and drink lots of tea on my own so I wouldn’t feel too bad about not being able to go out. However, I was pretty bummed. I really wanted to go out and see Harry even though I saw him everyday at uni. I still looked forward to our nightly visits because it was fun and it was our thing. It occurred to me then how essential Harry had become to me.

Harry didn’t respond back to my text and I wondered what he was up to. I didn’t find out until half past 11 when the doorbell rang. Liv and I were both quiet for a moment until it rang again. “Did you invite someone over?” she asked from her room.

“No,” I croaked, throat hoarse from coughing. “Go open it.”

I could hear her groan as she got up and opened the door. “What are you doing here?” I heard her ask.

“Nice to see you, too, Liv,” Harry chuckled. Harry? I lifted my body up from the blanket cocoon I made and peered out my open door to see him walk in and grin at me. “I brought soup.”

“Harry,” I could only say, laughing. “You brought soup for me?”

“Of course,” he said, opening the bag on my dresser and taking out the container and a plastic spoon. Liv stood at my doorway, assessing the two of us with her arms crossed over her chest. “When you told me you had a cold, I just, I don’t know. I still wanted to see you. So, I figured we could have our hang out here instead of outside. And instead of coffee, you could have this soup I made.”

I had an ear splitting grin on my face and Liv gave me a smile and wink before walking back into her bedroom. I didn’t get a chance to react or think of it because Harry turned to me and handed me the bowl and spoon. “It smells really good,” I said. “Thank you. And I’m glad you’re here, by the way. I really wanted to see you. I was feeling bad that I couldn’t make it.”

“Me too,” he grinned, sitting beside me on the bed. “It’s why I came. Felt weird not seeing you.”

So, he felt the same way. Interesting. I bit my lip and tried to not read too much into it, instead blowing on a spoonful of soup. I sipped it and instantly felt myself get warmer inside in a good way. “Thank you, once again,” I said, turning to him, only to find him watching me with a smile.

“Glad you like it,” he said. “It’s my mum’s recipe.”

“Mummy Styles knows what she’s doing.”

“Yeah,” he trailed off. “What were your plans for tonight?”

“Netflix,” I told him. “Do you want to watch something?”

“Yeah,” he nodded. “What’s there to watch?”

We scanned the list of TV shows and movies, trying to find the perfect thing to watch. “Oh, how about How I Met Your Mother?” I asked. “I’ve been meaning to watch it, but I want to binge watch and haven’t found time.”

“I’ve never seen it either, but some of the boys are mad about it,” Harry said. “Put it on.”

I clicked play on season one, episode one and leaned back against my pillows as Harry got comfortable, too. He toed off his shoes and got under the covers, leaving space in the middle so that we could balance my laptop between us.

We got through half of season one, when I started to doze off. When I woke up after that, I found Harry curled up on the other side of the bed, the laptop in between us. I rubbed my eye and slowly sat up, moving the laptop and putting it on my side table.

This had never happened. Harry had never just slept over, which wasn’t a big deal because wasn’t like shit happened, but I didn’t know what happened after. What did I do now? I settled for just nudging him until he woke up, looking groggy and tired. “What time is it?” he yawned, looking at me.

“I have no idea,” I told him. “But the sun is up, that’s for sure.”

“I’m sorry I fell asleep,” he said. “It was way too comfortable.” I laughed and he grinned at me before lying back down and stretching. “The show was good.”

“I liked it, too,” I said. “It was funny.”

“We should continue to watch it,” he said. “Maybe tomorrow night or something.”

“Okay. I’m down for that.”

Just then, Liv opened my door and stepped inside, her eyes widening when she spotted the two of us. She laughed nervously and Harry grinned at her, cheekily with a wave. “Hey Livvy,” he said. “I just want to say that this is exactly what it looks like.”

“What?” she asked.

“Oh my god,” I laughed.

“We had a great night together,” Harry replied, swinging an arm around me, making me fall over on his lap.

Liv rolled her eyes. “Quit taking the piss, H,” she said to him. “Anyways, I came to say that I’m making breakfast so get your arses in the kitchen if you want any.”

“Got you, babes,” Harry replied, sitting up and straightening his shirt. She rolled her eyes again and walked out. Harry turned to me and smiled. “Next time this happens, let’s make sex noises and jump on the bed and stuff so we freak her out.”

I laughed and fell back on my bed until Harry pulled me up with him and we walked to the kitchen for breakfast.


I picked at my salad that I had stuffed with extra croutons and extra meat with extra cheese. I had made the mistake of eating all the good stuff first, so I was just left with the leaves, which were starting to leave a vile taste in my mouth. I had no idea why I chose to eat healthy today or any day. It was a pain in the arse.

I looked over at Niall, Liam, Louis, and Zayn, eating their Whopper’s from Burger King. I’d rather have that. Liv was having bloody pizza beside me while Zoe chose some soup. It was Harry that went on the salad line and made me feel guilty for even considering Burger King. Harry was the only one out of the boys who ate balanced, healthy meals, allowing himself very few cheat meals. He told me it was just something his mother always taught and now that his body was accustomed to having good food, if he ate unhealthy, it made him get stomach aches.

“It’ll be good,” he had cooed into my ear, tugging me over to the salad line telling me how healthy I’d feel after eating.

When I looked over at his container, I noticed he was done with his salad, and he smiled at me, looking down at my half empty one.

“You alright?” he asked.

“I hate salad,” I told him.

“Shoulda gotten a burger,” Niall quipped.

“Fuck off, Niall,” I muttered. “I was trying to make a good decision and be an adult.”

“What’s eating salad got to do with being an adult?” he asked, making a face at me.

“It’s healthy and responsible.”

“It’s rabbit food.”

“Well, excuse me. Not like I can play footie and burn the weight off.”

“First of all,” Niall told me. “You don’t have any weight on you. You’re fine. Second, you can join the girl’s footie team. Or do track like Zoe.”

“You should join,” Zoe said, smiling at me. “It’s so much fun.”

“I don’t do sports,” I shook my head. “I’m the laziest person ever. That’s why I have to stick to salads and other healthy foods to keep fit. It’s my only option.”

“It wasn’t that bad,” Harry interjected. “You filled it with all that meat and cheese and bread.”

“I know,” I replied, laughing. “Those were gone within the first five minutes.”

He laughed with me and grabbed his fork, taking some of my salad and putting it in his mouth. I slyly passed the container to him and Harry dug in, finishing the rest up for me.

“So, B,” Louis started to say.

“Yeah, Lou?” I asked, mockingly.

“You and Josh.”

I pursed my lips and nodded. “What about us?”

“What is the deal?” he asked. Every eye was on me as they all awaited the answer. I laughed nervously.

“I know you all won’t believe me if I say nothing, but literally, nothing. I don’t have feelings for him.”

“Wow,” they all said together, their voices overlapping as some of them, like Niall, claimed to have known while others, like Harry, were shocked.

“I know that he has feelings for me,” I said, talking over them. “It’s just that I don’t think we click like that. We’re better as friends.”

“Have you told him that?” Louis asked, a smirk on his face.

I shook my head. “Not yet, but I think I’m done accepting dances at parties and invitations to date night as his date from here on out. It was rather awkward after a while.”

“He kissed you when we dropped you off,” Liam giggled.

“It wasn’t the first time we kissed,” I shrugged. “I just have to stop leading him on. It’s so wrong.”

“Poor Josh,” Harry said, sadly.

“He’ll get over it, Haz,” Niall consoled him, patting him on the back. He then turned to Liv and grinned. “What about you, Liv?”

“What about me?” she asked.

“We know little to nothing about your dating life.”

“I’m not dating anyone,” she replied with a straight face.

Niall cackled. “I know, but who’ve you dated, what’ve you done, who’ve you done?”

“Niall,” I frowned. “That’s so intrusive.”

“We’re all friends here,” he argued. “I’m only curious because Liv is fucking fit, so it’s shocking to see her not out and about doing stuff.”

“She hooked up with that one guy whose name she doesn’t remember at that party weeks ago,” I said.

“You will just not let that go,” Liv groaned, covering her face. She quickly recovered and met Niall’s curious eyes. The other boys were listening in as well, while Zoe pretended to be busy with her soup, but I knew she wanted to know, too. Liv shrugged. “I’ve never really had a boyfriend. Not one that counts anyway.”

“Why the hell not?” Liam asked. “Like Niall said, you’re well fit.”

“Thank you,” she smiled. “But I don’t know. I think my problem is that boys like me, but I don’t like them back. And then when I like boys, I either shy away or they’re way too out of my league.”

“No one is too out of your league, Liv,” I told her. “You’re sexy.”

“Sadly, no matter how sexy you guys all say I am, life isn’t always fair and not everyone will like you,” she said. “Although, as most of you know, I’m a bit of a romantic. I’m waiting for the one.”

“A bit of a romantic?” I scoffed. “You’re always watching romantic comedies and crying.”

“I like a good cry during movies,” she cried. “It’s comforting.”

“You cry even when it’s not a crying scene,” I laughed. “Like when we watched Stuck in Love that one time. You were sobbing like a baby.”

“You know who cries during movies?” Louis asked, smirking.

Harry was scowling at him, so I could only guess as the entire table started laughing. “I’m with Liv here,” Harry pouted. “A good cry during a movie never hurt nobody.”

“You didn’t cry over your breakup as much as you cried during Titanic, despite having watched it fifty times,” Niall snorted.

A silence took over the table as Niall’s words sunk in. No one had really brought up Harry’s break up. I would occasionally ask, but he seemed less than reluctant to talk about it. I would assume the same went for the boys. Harry had a small, uncomfortable smile on his face as he played with the remaining few lettuce leaves and tomatoes in my lunch and shrugged.

“How’s that going, by the way?” Zayn asked delicately, finally breaking the silence. “Have you spoken to her?”

Harry shook his head. “Not really. She said it was best if we didn’t talk for a while.”

“She’s right, you know,” Louis said.

Harry nodded. “Yeah, I know.” He looked up at us after. “Can we change the topic, though? I really don’t wanna talk about it.”

“Of course,” Zayn replied, quickly.

“Let’s talk about Niall’s crush,” Liv clapped, grinning. Everyone started to laugh, including Niall. “How’s that going?”

“Alright,” Niall answered. “I’m waiting for you guys to bring her to the next party, so I can put some more moves on her.”

“You know, Niall,” I said slowly. “If she doesn’t like you and is actually saying no, you can’t force her to like you, right?”

“I know,” Niall nodded. “But, I’m pretty sure she is my soul mate, though. However, if now she says no, I’m not going to force anything on her. Thing is, I can’t not try and accept defeat.”

“Soul mate?” Zayn asked, frowning. “Niall, you’ve only just met her.”

“You guys…,” Niall groaned. “You’ll see okay. Just trust me.”

“Whatever you say, mate,” Liam laughed. “I’ll be there to hold you when she punches you in the face so hard you fall.”

“I’ll be there, too,” Louis added. “To take a video of it.”

“You’re all fucking annoying,” Niall said, flicking chips at them. “Your sense of hope is disgusting. I’ll laugh at you when she finally says yes.”

“We’re only joking, Ni,” Liam laughed, grabbing him and forcefully giving him a hug. While Niall protested, Louis held him down and kissed him on the face.