Breathe

Frisbee club was a bit of a mess. The president was a chilled out, laid back, pothead who thought life was best lived without rules and regulations. All he cared about was relaxing and having a good time. That was why meetings occurred every once in awhile and all that they were asked to do was chill out and play with some Frisbees. I didn’t expect much less from Frisbee class so I was cool with that. I grabbed a rainbow Frisbee and looked around my friends to ask one of them to play with me.

I saw Niall was playing with Zayn, Zoe, Liam and Liv in a group. Louis was sitting with the president talking about how many ounces of weed he wants to buy off of him for the next party. That left me with Harry, who was sitting on the grass, taking pictures of the sky to instagram.  

“Get up,” I said walking over to him. “Play Frisbee with me.”

Harry grinned, chuckling as he got up and pocketed his phone. “Did everyone else ditch you?”

“A little bit, yeah,” I said. “I could have joined them, but this rainbow Frisbee was speaking to me.”

“It’s nice,” Harry said, appreciatively. We threw the Frisbee back and forth between us, laughing and having fun, until we got tired and just ended up sitting down and watching the others play. It was quite funny because Zayn stopped playing at some point and joined Harry and I on the sidelines while Louis joined the others and he always got extremely competitive. Liv in particular was quite awful, getting hit more with the frisbee rather than catching or throwing it. Zayn and I were laughing at her when Harry spoke up, causing the two of us to get super quiet.

“I miss her,” Harry said.

Zayn turned to Harry slowly. “Darcy?”

“Yeah.”

I scratched my arms and rubbed them, trying to do something other than sit there awkwardly, because I had no idea what to say.

“It’s understandable, mate,” Zayn said. “She was your girlfriend for a long time. You’re obviously going to miss her, yeah? Like, I get it.”

“I miss her all the time,” he answered softly.

I felt my lips turn to pout because I felt really bad. I had no idea how to comfort Harry without cracking a bad joke or hugging him because that’s all I could think of doing. I wanted him to laugh or feel like he had somewhere to turn to when he was feeling so broken. It was just a really crappy situation. I felt helpless. I was, however, grateful that Zayn was there and was talking to him. Bros understood other bros. I used to think I was a bro, but clearly I had not reached that level of bro pep talk when one of them was going through a breakup because I knew fuck all what to say to Harry.

“It is what it is,” Zayn continued. “You’ve got to make yourself busy and keep your mind off of her. Focus on studies or other people, like your friends.”

“I really want to call her,” Harry said. “I think I’m going to text her or give her a call tonight.”

“No,” Zayn shook his head. “Harry, you can’t. She wanted space. You can’t text or call her and make yourself look like an idiot.”

“How am I looking like an idiot?” Harry frowned. “I was with her for years and now I have to think twice before I text her?”

“You texted her two days ago,” Zayn reminded him. And oh, well, I didn’t know that. “Did she reply?”

Harry’s response was delayed, but it was stiff. “No.”

“Exactly,” Zayn said. “Don’t let yourself go backwards, H. You’ve got to move forward, remember?”

“Yeah,” Harry said softly. “You’re right.”

I watched as Zayn put his arm around Harry and Harry cuddled up to him. I smiled at them until I heard Liv scream. I quickly turned back around to see her clutching her eye, on the ground, screaming.

Liv walked out of that meeting with two bruises on her face and an ice pack. 



“Do you remember,” Harry said as he sipped his coffee, “that time you told me that life throws a lot of curveballs and completely changes the course of your life?”

“I do recall saying something of the sort,” I nodded, letting the steam from my coffee warm my face up.

“You were right,” Harry concluded.

I laughed. “Of course I’m right. I’m always right.”

“No, really,” Harry said, seriously. “I’ve been thinking a lot about my breakup. Like, weirdly enough, a part of me always thought I was going to end up married to Darcy someday. And now that I’m looking at everything, that’s not what I want at all.”

“Really?” I asked, frowning. “What made you change your mind, other than the breakup I mean?”

“It’s not about changing my mind,” Harry said. “I just realized that it wasn’t going to work. Darcy is going one way and I’m going the other. It’s so strange, but I’m doubting everything we had, even the fact of whether we loved each or not. Is that bad? Like, this could be considered growth, I guess, and I’m actually thinking it was good that it happened. How horrible am I?”

I shrugged. “I can’t say, but you’re not horrible,” I told him. “I guess you’re stepping out of your shoes and looking at the situation from a different point of view. That’s completely fine. I did it, too, during my last break up.”

Harry chuckled and looked at me. “Will you ever tell me what happened during your last break up?”

“Nope.”

“Why not?”

“It’s cringe.”

“Fine, then I’m mad at you.”

I looked back at him and found that he was genuinely frowning and looking upset. “Harry,” I started to say. “It’s such a...stupid topic. I hate talking about it.”

“You didn’t want to tell me about your past depression, but you still did, and I really liked listening to what you had to say. I liked hearing about how you got better. I like hearing about you in general.”

“I know, but that’s different.”

“You know, it’s unfair, because I open up to you for a reason. I tell you everything about myself and I like it because you have great things to say and it lifts up my mood. But when it comes time for you to say something about yourself, you just shut down. How’s that fair?”

I sighed, feeling a little guilty. “Like, you just have to hear about this?” I asked.

He nodded and I sighed again, which made him playfully shove me with his shoulder and I laughed.

“It’s quite cringe when I think about it now, not going to lie. Basically, this guy really liked me back in sixth form. He was a friend, though, and I never thought of him as anything more. However, at the time I was also trying to get over this other guy, so I thought hey, why don’t I go out with my friend who obviously likes me and try to forget the other guy? Little did I know, you should never do that.”

“Don’t use other people, especially your friends, to forget your ex,” Harry said, tutting.

“I know, I know,” I nodded. “Anyways, we went out for a few months. Two to three months in we’re saying I love you to each other and what not and then we just argued all the time. Every day was a new argument. And he broke up with me and I was so upset, I actually had a breakdown and went into hiding. It was a really tough time in my life.”

Harry was looking at me with wide, earnest eyes, which made me stop talking and start laughing. He blinked and put his arm around me. “I’m starting to question why I want to hear these stories about you when all it does is make me wanna time travel to the past and give you a giant snuggle.”

“You asked for it, pal,” I smiled, looking up at him. “Should I continue or will your little heart not be able to take any more?”

“I can take it,” he said. “I want to hear all about how you came out of this stronger and better.”

I smiled. “I did. I snapped out of my depressed state and I realized how shitty he was. I actually realized then how shitty all these guys I liked were. They didn’t treat me well. They would make fun of everything I liked, from my music interests to the things I was most passionate about. Especially my last ex. He would be so mean about it. He would talk down to me, he would play his video games and not text me back. Did you know he only paid for my food once in the entire time we dated, which was a good seven months?”

“No,” Harry shook his head. “That’s...that’s so stupid. No. The guy is always supposed to treat the girl.”

“He paid for my pizza once, that’s it,” I told him. “I would always make the effort to go meet him because otherwise we’d end up having arguments on the phone from lack of communication. He would also never show up on time. I sat inside a deli for two hours once before he showed up because he was busy sleeping. Oh and this will be your favorite part.”

“What?” Harry asked.

“He broke up with me via text.”

Harry thumped the hood of his car with his fist and groaned, throwing his head back. “What an absolute, motherfucking, load of crap wanker. You have got to be kidding me.”

“I’m not,” I shook my head. “He broke up with me over text message on St. Patty’s Day.”

“He’s a shithead fucker,” Harry said.

“I don’t think I’ve ever heard you cuss this much,” I said to him with an amused smile.

“Blair, why did you date him?”

“I was young and stupid!”

“I can’t believe him,” he said, still shaking his head, staring up at the sky. I laughed softly and played with the hem of my jumper. Harry looked back down at me again and smiled softly. “You deserve so much better.”

“I know that now,” I said, smiling back.

“You’re going to find someone who will know every single detail about you from your birthday to where you were born and your star sign. He will know how old you were when you learned how to ride a bike and how many pets you had or whether you had any pets at all. He’ll know you inside out, from your scars to your birthmarks, to how you look when you’re angry and when you’re the happiest. He will know and respect and love your favorite movies, songs, food, clothes, everything. He’s going to know what keeps you up at night, and what’s on your mind, and what your biggest fear is.

“He will be there through your hardest times, he will know exactly what to say and he will hold your hand through it. He’s going to know your dreams and wishes and help you fulfill them. He’s going to know about your first heartbreak and he will promise that he will never do the same. He’s going to know how you take your coffee, and what makes you laugh the loudest, and all your facial expressions from your stroppy pout to your biggest smile.

“He’s going to cherish you and never make you wait two hours inside a deli so he could get some sleep. He will always reply back to your messages, and he’s going to get you your order of food and pay for it before you even say it because he will already know what you want. He’ll know about that stupid dance move you do every time a Drake song comes up when you think you’re extremely gangster. He’ll know what to say and do to make you feel better if you’re sad, and that you’re extra cuddly when you’re sick and sleepy. He will know about how much you care with your big, big heart and he will love you so fucking much, B.”

I was speechless and staring at Harry with wide eyes. He looked sincere and so, so, warm it made my stomach feel like it was going to unfurl into a million pieces. Harry’s hand came up and rested over mine as he squeezed it in his palm. “Say something,” he laughed.

“You’ve left me speechless,” I could only offer as he laughed softly. “Harry…”

“You’re one of the nicest people I’ve met,” he said hurriedly. “You’re such a good person to your friends. You’re kind and you’ve been there for me. I know that these coffee runs seem like a fun thing to do when you want to get away from studying, but to me, it has been so much more. So helpful. It has felt so good being here with you and just talking. I don’t know how anyone could ever hurt you.”

“I don’t come here because I’m bored,” I told him. “I love spending time with you, too. I love doing this.”

“I’m glad,” Harry smiled. “I’m here for you, always. Thank you so much for telling me all that.”

“Thank you for saying what you did,” I smiled back.

We finished the rest of our coffees, the conversation redirecting back to what we’d been talking about on the way over: what were we going to be for Halloween?+++

Harry handed me the drink that he got for me and then stood beside me, leaning against the wall with his own cup in his hand. That weekend’s party was being held at the frat house and the two of us came in together after having watched How I Met Your Mother all day. We’d met up initially at my flat to do revision, but somehow ended up finishing a season of the show instead. We would have gone through with another season had Louis not texted us get the fuck over to the party, you dip shits.

When we arrived, the first thing we noticed was that Layla was here. Earlier, she and Liv had been hanging out and they’d mention she’d come to the party that night, but wasn’t sure. The funniest part was Niall was lurking a few feet away from her as she talked to Louis, Zayn and Zoe. It was obvious that he wanted to talk to her, but was too scared to approach them.

“I feel so bad for him,” Harry leaned in and said to me with a laugh.

I giggled and nodded my head in agreement. “I know. Should we go help him?”

Harry shrugged. “We could try. I think he’ll approach her eventually. If Niall is anything, it’s determined.”

Harry had a point. So, the two of us continued to observe our friends and the different things they were doing while drinking. At some point, Louis and Zayn had stopped talking to Layla and were taking pictures of me and Harry, pap style. Niall joined them and I laughed when Harry looked at the camera off guard as the flash hit his face.



Niall was cackling as he posted his picture to Instagram. That was when Layla walked over to Harry and me and gave us hugs. “When did you two get here?” she asked. “I didn’t even see you.”

“We’ve been here,” I told her. “I saw you were talking to the other boys so I figured I’d catch up with you later.”

“Yeah,” she nodded with a smile. “I was. We were talking about the Spiderman films. They like the original and I like the latest ones, so we were having a bit of an argument.”

“Oh, Louis could go on for days about that,” Harry laughed. “He will say he doesn’t like the latest films, but he has gone to see them every time they came out in theaters.”

“I know,” Layla said. “Zayn ratted him out, which helped me pretty much win the argument, but they said they’d be back. I’m not worried, though. I wasn’t debate team champion for no reason.”

“Hey, fellas,” said Niall, who had walked over after watching us for a few minutes. He grinned, standing beside Layla, who glared at him. Niall in turn smiled at each of us. “Harry. B. And Laylay.”

“Excuse me?” Layla snapped, turning to look at him properly.

“What?” Niall asked, innocently.

“What did you call me?” she asked.

“Laylay,” Niall replied, smiling.

“What the fuck is that? I’m not a crisps company, you know?”

“It’s cute,” Niall laughed. “Don’t you like it?”

“Of course I don’t like it, are you joking? That’s horrible.”

“It’s a cute, fun nickname.”

“I don’t want a nickname. I like Layla.”

“I like Layla, too.”

The shit eating grin on Niall’s face matched the blush on Layla’s. I grinned because I had to hand it to Niall. That was a very clever segway into admitting how he really felt about Layla. They were both staring at each other and the air seemed thick between us. Harry’s eyes were wide as he looked at the pair of them and I was trying to control my laughter.

“You’re so stupid,” she said eventually, albeit quiet and resigned.

Niall laughed. “What? I’m only being honest.”

“Well, then you’re weird,” she retorted.

“Is that something you’re into?”

Layla groaned and rolled her eyes before walking away. Niall cackled beside us and we shook our heads at him with amused expressions. “Dude, what are you doing?” Harry asked, snickering.

“Flirting, obviously,” he replied.

“That’s flirting? You’re teasing her like crazy,” I said. “She’s going to go mad.”

“I think she likes it,” Niall shrugged. “Did you see how hard she blushed?”

Harry nodded with a grin. “I did see that. Just can’t tell if she hates you or what.”

“Will you ask her, B?” Niall asked, giving me a big smile.

I shrugged. “I’ll try to see if she’s willing to talk about it. Sometimes when you come up in conversation, she starts gagging.”

Harry burst out laughing, much to Niall’s dismay, who was frowning. “Does she really do that?”

“‘Fraid so,” I confirmed. I looked over his shoulder and spotted Zayn and Layla taking a selfie and I gesture over to them. Niall turned to look and his eyes widened.

“Are they taking a selfie?” he asked. “Why Zayn? Why not me? What does Zayn have that I don’t have?”

“Zayn’s really pretty,” Harry replied, solemnly. “He’s got nice eyelashes and when he smiles the whole world stops and stares for a while.”

“Shut the fuck up, Bruno Mars,” Niall smacked him on the back of the head. He pulled out his phone and opened up Instagram, his face falling as he saw the latest post.



“Niall,” I said, putting an arm around him. “Are you seriously this jealous because she posted a selfie of her and Zayn? He’s not even single. He’s practically married to Zoe.”

“I know,” Niall nodded. “I’m going to go kill Zayn right now, though. Excuse me.”

Before Harry and I could say anything else, Niall had marched over to Zayn who had moved away from Layla and was now making out with Zoe. Niall pulled them apart and grabbed Zayn’s head in a noogie. Once he finished yelling at him about the selfie, Zayn started to laugh and pulled Niall off him before picking him up and threatened to throw him across the room if he didn’t stop being such a tosser. Niall laughed and tried to get down by punching Zayn, playfully, but eventually gave up and just hung there.

I wondered about two things right then. One, Niall might throw up if he stayed in that upside down position too long. Two, Zayn was a lot stronger than he looked.

“Oh, wow,” I said, turning to Harry. “For a second, I thought he was serious and he was going over to fight.”

Harry was grinning and shook his head. “Niall wouldn’t fight any of his friends. I think he’s just jealous in that stupid crush way.”

“If it helps, I’ve never felt that much sexual tension between two people ever.”

“You, too? I thought it was just me!”

“No, there was definitely something there. Excited to see where this will go.”

Harry cocked his head at me and smirked. “Excited to see where this will go? Like, you’re watching some TV show and you’re excited for the plot to develop.”

I laughed, nodding. “I’ve been watching too much How I Met Your Mother!”

“I kind of want to leave and go watch it some more.”

“Me, too.”

He looked at me and I grinned, turning around and walking out of the frat house. Harry followed me and the two of us laughed and talked the entire way back to my flat where he got under my covers, placed my laptop over a pillow between us and started up the next season. It was much better than staying at the party. Not that I’m saying it would have sucked hanging out with our friends, but just that this show was really good and had me feeling a certain way. It also helped that I was watching it with Harry, who was quickly becoming one of my best friends.

It was just enlightening to see the way Robin and Ted’s relationship developed in the show. How they went from being friends to lovers to friends again. It started to get me to think about how they were just meant to be in each other’s lives. With Ted’s inspirational monologues starting and ending every episode, I started to think a bit like that, too.  

Sometimes people met and it was so clear to them that at some point on some level they belonged together. It could be as friends, as family, or friends, or something entirely different. I started to feel that way about Harry. Not necessarily in a romantic way, like Ted and Robin, but more in a way that we just worked. We clicked together. Harry understood me better than a lot of people in my life and being with him made me want to get my life together because we shared the same desire and drive to achieve our dreams.

Maybe Niall was on to something when he was talking about fate even though, I’d never considered myself as someone who believed in all that. Or maybe it wasn’t fate--maybe it was coincidence that we met at this school. I never imagined leaving my other school and coming to this new one to find friends like these. I walked into this year thinking of when I would get out. I never thought I’d find someone or a group of someones who would make me want to enjoy every single moment I had left till it was all over. Fate or not, it definitely made me believe in something.