Dead in Your Head

13th November, 2015

There were a few things Bird Montgomery never thought she’d have to deal with in the first six months of her twenties. One, her father dying. Two, watching her mum sell her childhood home. Three, taking four pregnancy tests and all of them reading positive. All of them tied for the worst things to have ever happened to her.

Though, she thought maybe the last was the worst. They said bad luck came in threes and she was sure the third would kill her. And if not, her mum would. Or maybe Harry. She wasn’t really sure, but someone would kill her. Or maybe she just wished someone would.

She’d laid all four tests on her bathroom counter. She felt a lot like she was going to be sick but she wasn’t sure if that was the nerves or because she’d been feeling a bit ill for the past week anyway. She’d told herself it was stress or maybe a bug. But it wasn’t. It was a living thing. Something inside of her that was growing. That was going to keep growing and taking up space that was hers until it had to come out. And that thought made her lean over to the toilet and throw up her breakfast.

She couldn’t have a baby. She was twenty and still in school and god knew how she’d even support one, financially or emotionally. She was scared, fucking terrified because she couldn’t keep it. She knew that from that start but that didn’t make the realization that she was pregnant any easier. She was going to have to tell Harry. Fuck, she was going to have to tell Harry that she couldn’t keep it. He would never forgive her.

She just wrapped herself around the toilet, tears stinging her eyes, bile still in the back of her throat. This wasn't supposed to happen. She wasn't meant to fall in love and get pregnant. She was just meant to graduate and figure out what she was doing with her life. Not this. She wasn’t this.

Bird was so many things, but one of the things she certainly wasn't was cut out to be a mum. Not yet. Maybe not ever. And she knew that, which was why she'd taken the necessary precautions. It shouldn’t have been possible. She'd tried so fucking hard to be careful. She'd taken her pills every day when she was meant to. She never missed a dose or didn't take it on time. She didn't understand what had gone wrong.

Part of her was angry, because she hadn’t done anything wrong. She wasn’t having unsafe sex, she wasn’t sleeping around, she had one person. She knew none of that mattered, but it was what had been ingrained in her since sex ed.

She didn't know what to do. She didn’t know who to tell, if she could tell anyone. She thought about that for a while, how much easier it would be to not tell anyone. Not even Harry. How she could just take care of it herself without anyone knowing.

But deep down she knew how unfair that would be to him. How they were a couple, how they couldn’t hide things like that. They were supposed to be honest, they always had been. That was why they worked so well together, neither of them were good liars or hid things well. They told each other nearly everything. They weren’t just dating, they were best friends. It seemed hard not to tell Harry things. He was her rock.

This was different though, because she knew what he was going to say already. She knew how he'd feel. It wasn’t something they’d ever talked about, they’d only been together about a year, but she knew what he thought of children. How badly he wanted them some day in the future. How he believed in fate and shit. And it wasn’t that Bird didn’t, it was just that this wasn’t fate. This wasn’t some fucking fairy tale story. This was bad, it would be bad for both of them.

Bird has always been the realistic, logical one. Harry was smart, really he was, but he was the one that thought with his heart a lot more. He'd take this as a sign, not an accident, that they should have a baby. And Bird could not. Things were hard enough with school and their jobs and making enough money to even go out on dates. There were piles of unopened bills she was too afraid to look at every week. They couldn’t afford a baby. They could hardly afford themselves.

She knew she couldn't keep it.

She didn’t know how long she sat in the bathroom, but it felt a little bit like forever, like time had slowed down long enough for her to make a decision. Until she heard the key in the front door. Her stomach sank and bile threatened to rise again. She just pushed herself up and shut the bathroom door quickly, knowing very well who was coming home.

"Birdy?" his voice rang down the hall and she knew she was going to be sick again.

She shoved all four pregnancy tests into the cabinet under the sink, making sure to cover them with a towel before she leaved over toilet again. Even as she was sick, she could hear him approaching. She knew he was going to be worried, but she was going to spew some lie about having a bug for the time being. She hated lying to him more than anything but she couldn't tell him the truth yet. She needed to figure her shit out. Figure out when she could tell him and how to tell him that she wasn't keeping it.

There was a soft tap on the door and a worried, "Bird?"

"J-jus' a mo’," she knew her voice sounded miserable. She knew he'd know she was sick. She just needed him to not put the pieces together. Not yet.

"You alright?" She could hear the concern in his voice.

"Mhm," was all she could manage before she heaved again.

"Babe, are you ill?" he sounded like he was pressed right against the door.

“J-jus’ ate something that must have been off,” it slipped out easily. When had she become so natural at lying?

“Can I come in?” he tried.

“N-no. I’ll be out in a moment,” she felt dizzy, properly lightheaded. Like the world was spinning much faster than it used to.

“A-are you sure?” He sounded scared.

“Y-yeah,” she shut her eyes and waited for it to pass so she could stand up.

She should have known. She hated herself for not knowing. She was so fucking smart and she didn’t even put two and two together.

Her legs swayed beneath her when she eventually stood up. She managed to brush her teeth and fix her mascara and make it look like she was alright. She took a deep breath and swung the door open because she knew he’d be waiting.

She found him in the lounge, with two mugs of tea on the small coffee table. She felt the guilt build. Hiding it was going to be hard. She’d always been so open with him, told him absolutely everything, but this wasn’t something she could tell him yet. He wasn’t ready either, so she just sat down next to him.

He looked exhausted which made sense, he’d been up since around five because he’d went for a run before work. Now it was edging on half four in the afternoon and he’d just gotten home after working all day. His eyes were drooping and bloodshot and it wasn’t helping the guilt.

“Hi,” she tried to sound okay. Tried to plop down next to him and tuck herself into his side like she always did.

“Are you alright?” He looked at her with tired, worried eyes.

She nodded, “Just something I ate. You? How was work?”

He shrugged like maybe he didn’t believe her but he didn’t push, “Was terrible. Glad ‘m home.”

“Me too,” her stomach turned as she curled into his side, “You should take a nap. I’ll cook.”

"No, absolutely not," he said as he wrapped his arm around her, "You nap, I'll cook. You've got a shift later."

"And you just got home," she shook her head against him, "Lemme cook for you."

"No, no," he yawned and rubbed his eye, "I will. Said I would."

"Go nap, baby, please," she looked up at him with pleading eyes, "I don't mind. You look exhausted."

“You look exhausted,” he countered.

She shrugged, "You've worked all day."

“And you’re ill and you’ve gotta work tonight,” he left a kiss on her temple, "I'll nap after I eat."

"You've got class," she mumbled, aware that at six he had to leave to make his six thirty lecture.

"A short nap," he shrugged.

“Right now, go lay down,” she pushed at him a bit, "I'll cook."

“What if we just get take away?” he huffed tiredly.

"Can't afford takeaway right now," she admitted, "Electric bill's due."

“I already offered to pay half,” he whined.

Bird just shook her head. She wasn't having it, “No, go nap and I’ll make pasta or something.”

"I'll pay for the takeaway," he offered, “Lemme, please.”

She shook her head, "You've got bills too."

“So? I’m fine. I’ll be fine,” he ran his hand around her stomach making her go rigid, "You alright?"

“Y-yeah,” she pulled away, “Jus’ stomach’s still upset.”

He leaned into her neck, “I’ll make soup then.”

“N-no. I can, Harry. It’s fine,” she shook her head and pulled away. She sort of needed him to leave her alone for a bit. She needed to try and sort her head out.

“A-are you upset?” He asked suddenly, voice shifting.

“No, no,” she stood up and spun around, “Jus’ tired, sorry.”

“O-oh. Alright,” he looked relieved.

“Go lay down,” she put on a smile, “I’ll wake you up when it’s done.”

//

Bird didn’t even try to walk to work. She called in as soon as she walked outside, saying something about a family emergency. She walked right past the diner and straight to Niall’s.

Niall was her best friend, the only person she could tell absolutely everything to besides Harry. He wouldn’t judge her. He wouldn’t shout about what an idiot she was. He’d just hug her tightly and tell her it would be alright.

She hadn’t realized she was in tears until she was knocking on his door. She hadn’t even sent him a text telling him that she was coming over.

“Bird?” he was rubbing his eyes and his hair was all stuck up when he opened the door. She assumed he’d been taking a nap before he went out on his weekend bender.

“I-I fucked up,” she sniffled, “A-and ‘m scared.”

“Hey, hey, wha’s going on?” He was quick to pull her inside, “Zayn and Li are here,” he informed her.

She shook her head, she didn’t care, “Think ‘m pregnant.”

Niall froze in his foyer, with wide blue eyes, “What? Y-you think?”

“F-four,” she breathed out, “I-I took for tests and they were all positive.”

“That’s not ‘you think’, love. That’s you are,” his eyes were only getting bigger, “Come inside, c’mon. We’ll sort this out.”

Niall just ushered her through the kitchen and the lounge into his bedroom. Bird could tell he’d been sleeping, the covers were still a mess and the overhead fan was on. His room was a wreck as always but she kicked her shoes off anyway, pulled her jacket off, and burrowed herself into his bed.

Niall shut the door as he walked in, probably telling the other boys that Bird was over. She knew she was still crying a bit but she didn’t care.

“Have you told Harry?” was his first question as he slid back in bed next to her.

“Are you fucking mental?” She scoffed.

He nodded to himself, like that was the sort of answer he’d been anticipating, “You’re not keeping it.”

“H-how am I meant to keep it, Niall? I’m barely fucking twenty!” Anger bubbled up for a split second, “I-I can barely afford to feed myself!”

“I wasn’t asking,” he sighed, shaking his head, “I was just making sure.”

Bird knew she wasn’t angry at Niall, more at the situation, maybe even a tiny bit at herself. Of course Niall knew her better than that.

“So are you gonna tell Harry?” he asked softly, “O-or are you jus’ gonna? You know?”

Bird’s stomach fell, “I haven’t thought that far yet.”

“O-oh,” she realized he’d been expecting a different answer, “Well, whatever you wanna do, I’ll be here, yeah?”

“Y-yeah,” she sniffled and tucked herself into him, “I know. ‘S why I came here.”