Love Light Mystery Love

I can't for the life of me realize,I mean the fact that i'm stronger then i thought.For a period of time i didn't know what to do or what i was even capable of doing.I grew up in two places flat bush a barrio in Brooklyn NY,and a little town called Shirley in long island NY.I lived in a blue house not so huge with my grandfather,My grandmother,My older brother and sister,My younger sister and my dad and uncle.Most of the time i was stuck in a dream state of my own mind.I went to school at William Floyd elementary school,My mother she didn't want very much anything to do with her children.As a child i had a nice life that was up to the age of four i was like any other kid,Doing martial arts,playing kickball in the streets.When i turned five years old shit started to hit the fan with my dads issues.One day just after my fifth birthday i remember my father coming home drunk from work he stormed inside the house screaming,"You fucking bitch"to his own mother i was sitting down at the kitchen table at the time gluing together a 3d puzzle,My grandfather had brought back from Italy the last time he went to visit his mother.I stood up from the table the moment i heard a bang,My stupid father had hit and thrown my grandmother to the ground."Stop it daddy"I screamed but instead of him stopping he came to me looked me in the eyes and said "I never wanted a nosy brat daughter like you your mother was a whore and so are you"He grabbed my hand and ripped me towards me and my sisters room,Threw me on my bed and started to choke and slap me in the face repeatedly. The only reason why he stopped was because at that moment my grandfather had came home from working in Manhattan,He had ran into my room and threw his son of me "Joe get out of this room get off the girl your gonna kill her",From the look in his eyes he didn't even attempt or want to attempt to hit his father so he retreated to his room.Thank you grandfather i said crying but he was crying to without words he kissed me on the cheek and left me in the room alone with the door closed,This was just the beginning.Over the next couple of months i endured being starved and locked in my room or closet,I was beaten with belts and big heavy pieces of wood.One day he decided to go to far and broke my arm.My friends were young but i would go to school to very little friends on that matter, and when the little friends i had would ask questions i start arguing with them."quit it it's not like you are going to do anything and if u tell i'm gonna get in loads of trouble with my beastly father".Over the years i sat through my grandmothers tears,there was never peace of mind in my house i only found sanction by going to school and doing my music and art,even though i was bullied because everyone in my entire neighborhood new what was going on.

I started to grow up immersed in my writing and art at the time all that i wished for was for my father to see punishment so he would stop and become my father again.But that was not the case at all in this situation.
I tried very hard to stay silent but that was not the case this situation was turning dangerous the day i was seven and my father started to ride is motorcycle again,he came home one day and turned my playroom into a drug cooking den.WTF i thought in my head is wrong with this man,I couldn't understand what my father was going threw i mean i know he lost his job and him and my mom would fight on the phone,I wanted to talk to my mother but never was allowed,she never came over since after i was a year old.I gathered up the courage one day and asked my grandfather why my mother had left,"well jasper she left because your father my son abused her,hit her and she was addicted to drugs,you see your mother couldn't bear the thought of having an addiction around her children so she left.But why grandfather why?would my be so ignorant to leave me with this crazy man,she did it because you your sisters and brother are safe as long as i'm alive well even though he is aggressive. My older sister was always at her friends house my lil sister was still very young and my older brother was still being looked for by my family cause he ran away one day.So in reality i was the lone ranger its no fun playing soldiers alone.

My family was breaking at this point in my life but i knew all i wanted to do was live my dreams,My father had turned into a quack-job.I started to inflict harm on myself at this point cause i was stuck and hurt couldn't figure out what i could do i tried to fight these urges to give up.I started stealing razors from my grandfathers work shed and hiding them in my stuffed animals i would also steal my fathers cigarettes i started smoking to try to negate feelings of anxiety. In school i was nearing the grade five when we had a father daughter dance aloha style in our gym but i new i would go without anyone so i in my head contemplated asking my uncle Giovanni to bring me so i wouldn't be the laughing stalk of my school.But he had gotten ill had a stoke and died i couldn't handle it the cuts and burns on my arms i could hide from the world,all the other scars and bruises from my father i couldn't. One day at school i had been dragged into my music teachers classroom with my friend Melissa and Denice,they were two of my best friends and played in the orchestra with me and were in my choir and some of my classes.My music teacher Mrs Rivera had shut the door looked at me and my friends and said now jasper honey your friends here have told me some things about your father do you care to share.I gulped with panic and couldn't mumble anything else but this"Please oh no please if you call c.p.s and he finds out i'm in even more big trouble he will get away with it no one will believe me hes dangerous"Now now i will have to call the police because he is indeed harming you and your family,school policy states i can not be quiet about this one.I rushed for the door and ran i ran as far as i could out the door without thinking i ran in one direction towards the train to NYC,without a plan i just ran-away.As i got a few miles from my school i already knew the police were called and probably headed to my house and were probably looking for me as a childhood runaway.
I came walking up to a farm and decided to cut across it,when all of a sudden a truck pulls up behind me,"Hey what you doing wandering round my property kid?"are you lost? Actually yes sir i had left school and was walking to the nearest train station when i took a wrong turn,"could you help me my grandfather is working at the annosonia condominium hotel in Manhattan and i need to get to him i stay at his house on the weekend.I knew i was lie'ing out of my teeth but i had to if i didn't choose to lie at the time then i would of been found."So could you give me a ride to the station if not i mean,you could tell me how to get their and i will walk"Now alright get in i will take you just don't go snooping round here again,"I won't sir,and thank you very much".
I was brought to the station five minutes before the train came,when i boarded i realized i didn't have a ticket i would get kicked off,but then i remembered that kids ride for free as long as their is an adult present with them.I sat down next to a man asleep with his headphones in his ticket was hanging in the ticket holder on the seat.The conductor came round checking tickets,"tickets please"i pointed to the ticket on the seat the conductor looked at me smiled and walked away,i can't believe that actually worked i thought over in my head,i will be in Manhattan in no time what i will do well,i have no idea at all what i'm doing or where i'm going.But i do know this i am headed towards a peace of mind and freedom.When i had reached the train station i had got out and wandered onto 32nd street when i looked around i felt at home i grew up in Brooklyn i new NYC really well so i headed walking towards one of my favorite parks so i headed to Columbus circle outside of central park.