Hospital Beds and Memories

My bed was so comfortable. Nice and warm and oh so comfortable. I was never going to leave this place. My blankets were wrapped around me compensating for the hugs I no longer got from Jack. I didn’t get anything from Jack anymore. He was no longer in my life. The goodbye we said to each other haver my aunt’s wedding was goodbye forever. I had thought about calling him or showing up at his doorstep, but I knew that wasn’t going to work unless I knew how I felt and what to say. The last month, I had been trying to figure out my feelings for him, if I had any feelings. Did the kiss mean anything to him? Did our friendship mean anything to him? Obviously, it didn’t. If one kiss could make him hate me like this, he definitely didn’t care about me.

The door to my bedroom opened, bright light in. I squinted my eyes to look at the silhouette and buried my head back into my large fluffy pillow.

“Come on, wake up, it’s 4 pm already.” Cam carefully shook me.

I groaned, “Shut up.”

“You’ve barely left your room the last weeks, I even had to bring you food a couple of times.”

“Ugh, what date is it?”

“Thursday.”

“No, not day, date.”

“Oh, umm, 18th of February.”

I quickly got up, accidentally hitting Cameron in the face. He screeched and quickly raised his hand to his eyes. I looked around my room in a daze before I actually realized what would be going on today.

“Shit,” I mumbled.

“Yeah, that was really painful,” Cam whined.

“No, not that,” I pushed him away and got out of my bed, “I’m going out today.” I quickly opened my closet and looked through my closet. With barely any time left I decided to only grab my underwear and hurried to my bathroom.

“Oh, ok, nice to know you care about me.”

I got in the shower and quickly shaved my legs and armpits for the first time since the wedding. There was no reason for me to shave anything else, I wasn’t going to get lucky anyway. Plus, I still didn’t know if I was or wasn’t a virgin. Why would I even want to lose my virginity that day? Why was I even thinking about it? I lathered my hair, rinsed the shampoo out and turned off the water. In no time I was dried and had my underwear on. Now was the time for me to chose an outfit again. My mind still wasn’t in the mood for giving a shit, so I simply chose a gray t-shirt and light blue jeans. I wasn’t trying to impress anybody.

I ran out to the kitchen and quickly grabbed an apple to eat. There were only 20 minutes till I had to be completely ready to go. I was rushing all around the loft trying to find the couple of things I really needed, of course there were also a couple things I didn’t need, but I was trying to stall everything.

Cam joined me as I grabbed a glass of water. “Woah, calm down. Where are you even going?”

I gulped down the water. “I told you, I’m going out.”

“Oh, so Jack’s back?”

“Jack who?” I tried walking past him, but he stopped me by grabbing my shoulders and moving me back to the place I was standing before.

“Ok, seriously. Why aren’t you guys talking or hanging out anymore? I know for a fact that he hasn’t gone on tour yet, so don’t try using that as an excuse. You guys were acting weird at aunt Doreen’s wedding and completely ignored each other after that. What happened?”

“Nothing happened.”

“So why are you acting like this! Just take out your phone, and ask him to hang out. Right now.”

“I can’t, I’m going on a date.”

“Who?” Cameron crossed his arms.

“Brian.”

“That fucking asshole! You wouldn’t stop telling me how much you hated him, why the fuck would you be going out with him?!”

“Because I am?”

“Of course because you fucking are. You shouldn’t be going out with a guy you don’t like! Just call Jack and ask him to come on the date instead!”

“Stop doing that! I don’t like Jack like that, he doesn’t like me like that either.”

“At least make up with him!”

“Don’t fucking tell me how to live my life!” I screamed and tried to push past him again, only this time he grabbed my wrists and pulled me back into the kitchen. If I wasn’t so angry I would have probably screamed out it pain. Cameron was pretty strong, and from experience, I knew he could really hurt me.

“You keep telling me how to live mine! You hypocrite!”

“That’s because you would probably have died without me!”

“Stop being so selfish,” he scoffed.

“I’m not being selfish, I’m being honest here. You wouldn't wake up anymore, you wouldn’t eat, you wouldn’t even move. I forced you to do all those things, so shut up!”

“Well, you’re basically turning into me right now. You have been in your room the entire month.”

“Yeah, so what? You did it for months. You still do it, I bet you that you didn’t even wake up until 3 pm.”

“Just fucking stop, ok? You’re wasting your life!”

“I am wasting my life? What about you?”

“You are really turning into a bitch. Jack will never like you like that, you know. You’re just messing up everything in your life. Can’t you just for once not fuck up everything. I swear, oh my god. Literally everything. You’re useless, you can’t--”

Cameron kept shouting but I couldn’t hear what he said anymore. I tried concentrating on his mouth, but everything still sounded muffled and blurred. It was as if I was surrounded by water. Everything in me tingled and I couldn’t control my body anymore. I was hearing things that weren’t being said, seeing things that weren’t there, feeling things that were impossible to feel, and even tasting things… Strawberries? I tried to snap out of it, but nothing worked. It only got worse and worse. Cam was still shouting at me and was making wild gestures, but nothing made sense to me anymore.

Before I knew it everything just switched off. I wasn’t there anymore, I was gone. The last thing I could still register was that I was falling, falling in slow motion. My head hit something, but there was no pain. There was nothing; nothing existed. I didn’t even see black. It was like I was dead and far, far gone.