Hospital Beds and Memories

Jack and I were cuddled up in his bunk. He refused to leave me alone after what happened. Apparently, I had actually blacked out. I thought I only nearly fainted before he picked me up and carried me the rest of the way. But in reality, I had been out for a minute or so. They even waited a couple more minutes before actually picking me up. I didn’t know any of this happened. Maybe my brain was messing things up again and was trying to mend any empty spaces. I really thought nothing bad had happened, but it obviously had.

Jack was running his fingers through my hair, trying to soothe any discomfort he believed I had. I was back to wearing his sweater, not only to keep me warm, but also to hide away and snuggle into it. It was one of his favorite sweaters, so he wore it a lot. But that only meant that it smelled more like him, and it helped calm me down whenever a wave of nausea hit me. I didn’t want to throw up more than I had in my stomach.

I really had to tell Jack soon about the Leukemia. Things weren’t going well and he was going to find out himself if I wasn’t going to tell him. He always gave me suspicious looks whenever I limped in pain, I had been getting sudden pains in my knees, or when I suddenly couldn’t breathe properly anymore. It was like he knew what was going on, but was denying it too much to even ask me about it.

I turned around so we were facing each other, and nuzzled my head against his neck. He tightened his grip, so his fingers could draw shapes on my back. Even though it tickled slightly, I still sighed in content and closed my eyes again.

“You’ve still got a pretty bad fever,” Jack muttered and kissed my forehead as if it would make everything better, “how are you feeling?”

“Hungry,” I tried saying, but my voice was a lot weaker than I thought it was.

“Want me to get you anything?” He got ready to let go of me.

“I don’t think I’ll be able to keep it down,” I chuckled sleepily. Since we had arrived at the bus, I had already thrown up three more times. If I hadn’t known this was because of the leukemia, I would have been afraid of having terrible morning sickness. That would have been terrible. I was never going to have kids, or at least not anytime soon. Maybe in ten years time, I would have, but probably not even then.

“I’ll go see if there’re some crackers.” Jack unwrapped his arms around me and opened the bunk curtain before climbing out and trying not to fall over while standing up. His bunk was one of the closest to the floor. If you lied down in a weird position, making your limbs stiff, it was nearly impossible to get up without falling at least once.

He left the curtain open while going to the front lounge and rummaging through the cupboards, trying to find something for me to eat. I could hear soft talking and discussing going on. The words ‘sick’, ‘ok’, ‘better’, and something that sounded like my name were often used. They were obviously talking about me. Normally I would have notified them that I could hear everything, but I was just too tired; too physically and mentally exhausted.

Jack came back with some plain crackers, a bottle of water, and an apple. He crouched down to put them in the bunk but didn’t get in himself. I thanked him and looked at the items, telling myself I had to finish them. If I wanted to get better I was going to have to set goals for myself, this one being the first.

“I would come join you again,” Jack held onto the bunk above to balance himself, “but I think you should have some time to sleep properly. I’ll make sure I’ll be somewhere in the bus until six, when we have to go in for the meet and greet. The other’s are already going into the venue now.”

I nodded, agreeing that that was a good idea. “Can you wake me up before you leave? I still want to be able to sleep at night. And I want to see if I can watch your show.”

“I will, unless you look way too adorable and seem to finally have fallen asleep. And you shouldn’t come to the show, it won’t be good for you.”

“But I want to.” I pouted and gave him puppy dog eyes.

He shook his head and cupped my cheek, running his thumb along my skin. “You shouldn’t do anything you’re not capable of, especially since I don’t want you to faint again.”

“Please,” I begged, “I promise I’ll go back to the bus if I don’t feel well. Please!”

“I don’t think I’ll be able to stop you, will I?”

I shook my head, causing Jack to chortle and give me a quick kiss before wishing me a good night… even though it wasn’t even night yet. After looking at the food for some more time, I tried to eat most of it. I stopped when I had eaten most of the crackers and half of the apple. Putting them aside, I got underneath the covers and closed my eyes, wishing I would feel better when I woke up.

----

“Hey, baby,” I was slowly being shaken awake by the one I loved, “I have to go inside, now.”

I opened my eyes and focused on his brown eyes. “What time is it?”

“Quarter to six,” Jack checked his phone and put it back in his pocket.

“Ok,” I started getting out of the bunk, “I should probably get up.”

“You can continue to sleep,” Jack moved so I had more space, “you don’t have to get up.”

“No,” I shook my head and pushed myself up so I was standing, Jack following shortly behind me, “I feel a lot better already, and I want to see your show, so I’ll come inside with you.”

“You look a lot better,” he cupped my cheek and softly kissed me.

I smiled into the kiss and gave him a quick peck before he could move away. “Good. Sleeping has helped a lot. I still don’t feel a hundred percent better, and I will come back here if I realize I feel too bad. But for now, I feel fine.”

“Maybe I just tired you out too much last night,” he smirked.

“You wish.”

“Let’s go, before everybody gets mad at me for being late.” He took hold of my hand and walked us out of the bus. “Make sure not to overdo yourself.”

Screaming immediately started when we stepped out of the bus. I didn’t know where we were and hadn’t gotten out of the bus yet since we had driven to the next venue as soon as we entered the bus after I had fainted. The fans here were much closer to us than at any other venue. Some of them started freaking out and running towards us.

“Go inside, I’ll be right behind you,” Jack gave me a small push towards the glass door, and I quickly showed my backstage pass and went inside. He had some more trouble getting through the crowd, but eventually also managed to get to the door. The security guard opened it for him and Jack turned to the fans, “I’m sorry guys, but I’m going to be late for the meet and greet.”

He took hold of me again and followed the signs to the dressing room. “Do you want to come with me and meet some of the kids?”

“I think I’ll stay here,” I told him and lied, “I don’t want to waste all my energy on that. And they’re here for you, not for me.” In reality, I also didn’t want to show up because of all the messages I had been getting. For some reason, the fans didn’t like me, and everything I did only made it worse. For example, I had checked my phone and saw some photos of me and Jack at the award show. There were photographers everywhere, and it was bound to happen, but one of them managed to capture me hugging Jack before he wrapped his arms around me. It looked like Jack was fed up and I was, like the fans said, ‘a clingy bitch’.

Jack pouted, but knew it was also for the better. “Ok, I’ll try to see you before we go on stage.”

Jack opened the door to their dressing room. The tour manager, Brian, was already there and Zack, Rian and Alex were getting ready to go. They all sighed out in relief when they saw Jack, saying things like they were afraid he was going to be late or that he wasn’t going to show up anymore. Then I appeared, and they were all happy to see that ‘I was still alive’.

I was left all alone in the dressing room, while they went to the place they were going to have a hustler’s club meet and greet. To be honest, I had no idea what they were doing. All Jack had told me was that a group of fans was going to come in and be able to do anything with them; take selfies, ask questions, and get things signed. They did it at a lot of their shows and it often ended up with them getting a lot of gifts.

It was about twenty minutes later when I felt my phone buzz. I had gotten a text from Jack asking me if I could bring him a bottle of water. So, I frowned and sent him something back about him having other people to do that for him. But he insisted and I knew exactly why he was asking me. He wanted to 'show me off’, like he would say it. I, personally, didn’t think I was something that should be shown off, but he liked doing it. Plus, the fans probably didn’t even like me anyway. So, to make sure he wouldn’t be able to make me come back after one time, I stuffed the pocket of the sweater with a ton of Sharpie pens in different colors. I knew Jack well enough to figure out his plans.

I pulled up the hood of Jack’s sweatshirt so nobody would be able to see my face, which looked very tired and sick, and opened the door to where everybody was. Some people noticed the door opening and me walking in, and watched me, like I had just walked in a classroom in the middle of class. It was very awkward. I found Jack standing in one of the far corners with a lot of girls surrounding him. There was no way I was going to pass them all without getting judgemental and pissed off looks. Everybody here was so excited and jumping around, while I was just hoping to disappear.

Just like I had expected, the teen girls were really annoyed by me, though I still managed to make it through them without getting hurt. Some of those looks really terrified me. I reached Jack and didn’t bother looking at him when I held out the water bottle for him. He accepted it and forced me to look at him by carefully lifting my chin up. Before I could even try to walk away, he leaned down and made our lips meet in a quick kiss. I mumbled something along the lines of ‘you’re welcome’ after he thanked me. The glares just burned holes in my back, and it was really making me uncomfortable, but Jack didn’t seem to notice anything.

I went to walk away, and he let me go, before quickly grabbing onto my wrist and spinning me back. He scratched the back of his head and said, “I also need another Sharpie, this one’s finished.”

Just like I had said before, I knew Jack. I reached into the pocket and took out the hand full of pens, stuffing them into the hand that originally held my wrist. Jack looked surprised and I raised an eyebrow at him. I outsmarted him, and he wasn’t used to that.

“Oh, umm, thanks,” Jack mumbled and turned to the girls, “now I can sign my name is pink!”

When walking back out I could still feel many stares. One girl even tried to trip me, and with the pain in my knees, I actually almost fell over. I knew they normally were all nice people, but they just didn’t like me. They wanted me away from Jack; they wanted him to break up with me. I just couldn’t mess up anymore, or they would only hate me more. Their comments didn’t get to me, but if they were going to hurt Jack, I was going to be so upset.

And that wasn’t even the worst that happened that day. Later on during the show, it got even worse. I was watching them play Weightless, when Alex suddenly stopped the song. He pointed out at the crowd and opened his mouth.

“Hey, hey, stop,” he told everybody, “help that girl out over there.”

I took a step forward and saw there was a girl in the front row hyperventilating. Her blue hair and zipup hoodie immediately let me recognize her as the girl that tried to trip me. Alex kept telling the security to help her, but nobody moved. They all just stood there watching out over the crowd like it was none of their business. She looked like she was in so much pain and I couldn’t stand it. It was so heartbreaking.

I know I shouldn’t have done it, but I ran out, past Jack, and jumped off stage to the small area between the crowd and the raised black floor the band was playing on. Jack was shouting something; he was telling me to not do it. But I didn’t hear it at the time. All I could focus on was the girl that was obviously having an anxiety attack.

I was weak and had no strength in me, but I still did it. It was such a stupid idea. I helped her over the barricade, the people who were standing around her giving her an extra push. But when she came over the metal, she was too heavy for me. We both toppled over. I knocked my head against the stage and then my forehead slit against something sharp. Blood was pouring over my face from a small cut and my whole head felt heavy and fuzzy. Things started going blurry and the girl wasn’t the only one with labored breathing anymore.

The last thing I mumbled?

“Jack.”