Hospital Beds and Memories

Today was the last day I was going to be on tour with All Time Low. Even though he hadn’t said anything, I could tell that Jack really did not want me to leave. He was around me the entire time and couldn’t help but kiss me or hug me every chance he got. All he was was worried to leave me alone, worried about my journey back home, and worried that something would just happen to me in general. But I was going to be fine, I was pretty sure I was. As much as I also didn’t want to leave, I had to. Jack would be with me again in just over two weeks, so everything would be ok. And then I’d move in with him and have another 2 months with just him.

I know it might sound cliche, but I loved Jack so gosh darn much! I wasn’t even going to use proper swear words. This guy had changed me so much for the better; I was a lot more open; I actually considered having a relationship, now turning into a relationship that I hoped would never end… And that was what scared me. Jack and I would either have to break up or we would spend the rest of our lives together, and I just couldn’t imagine both. For so long I was sure that Jack and I were going to break up, probably on good terms, but nothing was leading us to that. Our love only grew bigger and stronger, rather than slowly dying, which was what I had expected. Jack and I both didn’t do relationships, and here we were, in a very serious one. And as much as I loved him and he loved me, I still couldn’t imagine spending the rest of my life with one person. It was just so weird! I was terrified of both possible outcomes.

“What are you thinking of?” Jack came back into the back lounge with some drinks. We were here, watching a movie together, with nobody else since they all went out. He kissed my cheek and sat back down beside me, pulling me against his body.

“Nothing really…” I trailed off and got more comfortable by resting my head against his shoulder.

Jack wrapped an arm around me, “I know you’re lying. You have this look on your face when you’re in deep thought. It’s like you’re staring off in the distance, but at the same time you are still fully aware of your surroundings.”

“How do you know all that shit about me? I don’t even know that shit about me!” I whined and nuzzled my nose against his shoulder in an attempt to hide my face.

Jack laughed and kissed my temple, “because I love you and realize all these details about you.”

I probably should have reacted or said something back, but I only acted weirdly. My whole internal debate was still going on, and Jack saying he loved enough to get to know me better than I knew myself, just made it all worse. I honestly didn’t know what to do, or what to think.

“Ok, no,” Jack shook his head and sat up straighter, forcing me to sit normally as well, “there’s is definitely something wrong.”

“It really doesn’t matter though,” I told him, just wanting to spend this time with him and cuddle.

“I refuse to fall for that. Just tell me-” Jack suddenly froze up and looked at me with wide eyes, “you’re not pregnant, are you? Because that would be a problem; chemo and babies don’t work together. I’ve done my research about the whole chemotherapy situation!”

“No, I’m not pregnant,” I laughed before actually realizing what he had actually just asked me, “wait, what would even make you think that?”

“I don’t know,” Jack panicked, “there’s nothing really that would make me think it. But sometimes condoms break and you don’t realize. You’re not on birth control, right?”

“No. That would be way too many pills for me to remember to take daily. Why? Do you think the condom broke?”

“Not that I know of,” Jack was racking his brain to see if there was anything that could give him a definite answer.

I took his hands and mine, trying to calm him down, “just stop worrying. I literally just finished my period today, so calm down. I’m sorry if I got you all worked up…”

“Oh,” Jack nodded, but I couldn’t tell if he was upset or happy about it. He was just… silent, looking at our hands. Well, I didn’t think Jack would react like this.

“Wait…” I tried thinking of a way to ask him this without scaring him off, “do you want to have kids…?”

Jack looked up at me, his eyes not giving away an emotion I could read, “well… I’m not really against the idea, if you understand. If it happens, I’ll go along with it, and I probably will even be happy. But I understand that you don’t want to have them, so I’ll be fine with that. However, I just want you to know that if it ever happens I will never ever be against it.”

“Jack,” I mumbled and sighed. He basically confessed to me that he actually did want to have kids, but was only ok with not having them because of me. I just didn’t know how to react anymore, “you’re making this so much more difficult for me.”

“Making what more difficult?” He worried and started freaking out, “do you want to break up with me?”

“No,” I told him before he could overthink things and actually believe that that was what I wanted to do, “it’s just, I just realized that we either eventually break up, or we stay together forever, and I just can’t wrap my head around both possibilities. I don’t want to break up, but spending the rest of my life with you seems so surreal. And I-- And I-- I just don’t know. ”

Now it was my turn to have a small mental breakdown. I always thought Jack and I talked about everything, but at the same time we kept having panicked conversations like this. Sure, we said what we were thinking… eventually… without any fighting. But at the same time, it wasn’t as relaxed. This whole relationship was so confusing.

“Hey, hey, hey,” Jack quieted me down and brought both of my hands up to his lips, placing a kiss on them, “that’s something you don’t have to worry about, it’s in the future, we can’t plan this out; at least not yet, we cannot. If we want to, we will know when to break up, and if we don’t break up, we just continue living our lives like we are now: happy and together.”

“But you probably want to get married in the future, and you literally just told me you want to have kids. And I can’t give that to you,” I pointed at myself to emphasize what I was saying, “but at the same time I don’t want to-- Wait, no, I just can’t break up with you.”

“And so be it,” Jack told me, “as long as we are together, everything will be fine. I love you so so much, and loving somebody means having to make some compromises and I’m fine with that.”

“But maybe I should be the one making the compromises,” I just couldn’t stop freaking out, “maybe I should be the one being ok with marriage and kids because you want that. Why should you be the one giving up things you want?”

“Because I would rather not force you into things you don’t want, than get my preferred option out of two things I’m totally ok with.”

“But-”

Jack interrupted me before I could go any further, “no buts. We will just continue our life together and see how things go. I don’t want to worry about things that will only become relevant much later on. When the time comes, we will know and we will have this conversation again. But that time is not now. I just want to love you in this moment, right now, and not be worried about how I will love you in the future.”

“Ok,” I whispered, knowing that my whole outburst was literally the most stupid thing ever.

“Good,” he sat more comfortable and made me sit so I was basically nearly in his lap, “now let’s watch this movie and stop worrying about it.”

----

Of course, I went to the show that night. It was the last one I could watch, and seeing this band play live never got boring. They always had different stories to tell in between songs, and it was so fun seeing their excitement. The crowd and the band had such an amazing chemistry, and it totally made me understand why Cam loved this so much. I was so happy for him to finally get the band back together again, even though only two of the original members remained. They were going to continue with the same band name ‘Her Words’ and they were too hyped up for the home show they were going to play in a couple of weeks. And then after that, they would be able to record a whole new album with an actual producer. I was so excited for them, and I just wished I could pursue my dream as well. Let me tell you, I had gotten the photography job at the magazine and I would be able to work with Abagail… but I had to decline. I just couldn’t do the job with my health. They did say they were always happy to have me, and wished me to get better, but I just knew that I would never get such a great opportunity anymore. That just wasn’t how life worked out for me.

But enough of that. This was All time Low’s show, and just like always, it was fucking amazing. However, I did wonder if Jack actually played the guitar; he would spend more time hyping up the crowd than actually playing stuff on his guitar. Oh well, the fans seemed to dig it, so it was fine.

They had just finished another song, when the talking between Jack and Alex started again. I don’t remember exactly what they were talking about, but suddenly Jack thought it was the perfect moment for a certain story involving me.

“Hey, Hey, Alex!” Jack caught the attention of his best friend while still also looking out at the crowd.

Alex, being used to all of this, did what he normally did, “yes, Jack?”

“I nearly died a couple of days ago,” Jack told as if it were the most casual and usual thing ever.

“I know you did,” Alex said, like the crowd didn’t want to hear the story.

Jack waited a bit for the screaming to stop, “but my girlfriend saved me.”

So much for Jack waiting for the screams to stop, because they started again, but much louder than before. I would have thought it was nice of them to do it, if it weren’t for the fact that I knew fans did that for basically anything the guys said. They could literally say ‘poop’ and the crowd would go crazy… trust me, I saw it happen before.

“She’s awesome,” he added and grinned at me.

“Yes, she is,” Alex agreed and nodded, “but she still hasn’t sung with me! And she’s leaving tomorrow! Why!”

“You seem more upset about this than I am,” Jack laughed at his best friend overdramatizing the entire situation.

“Well yes!” Alex scoffed.

I rolled my eyes when he looked at me, and screamed at him, even though he probably didn’t hear me, “only because you asked so nicely.”

“What?” Alex laughed, literally not having heard shit, before turning to the crowd, “hang on, calm down. I need to hear this.”

“I’ll sing with you-” I started as soon as it got quiet.

But he interrupted me before I could finish, “yessss!”

I shook my head and continued, “but I’m not coming on stage.”

Alex gave me a confused look, not having heard me again. So, he sent Jack to check out what I was saying. I told Jack my plan on me singing with Alex, but staying side stage and not actually singing next to him. There was no way I was brave enough to stand there in front of so many kids. Especially if they hated me so much. Jack was so happy to hear, having wanted ‘the whole world to hear my beautiful voice’. He kissed pulled me into a kiss, earning a groan and a ‘PDA’ out of Alex, causing the crowd yet to scream again.

So that’s what happened. They started playing Love Like War, and I sang Vic’s part and added some harmonies to Alex’s parts. The fans seemed to like it, even though it was me singing. I guessed they didn’t really care, as long as the show was good; they’d bitch about it later on social media. It was pretty awkward singing this song all by myself sidestage. The song was one you could easily dance and jump to, but I couldn’t really do that all by myself. But I was really proud of myself.

Just like I said before, Jack was making me more open. Now I was slowly also breaking out of my shell. This guy was really one of the only good things left in my life.