Hospital Beds and Memories

As soon as I got home, Cam and I started packing our stuff. Yes, we had a lot of time before either of us was actually going to move out, but knowing how often we would get distracted, it was better to start early. I basically started out with my bedroom, a gigantic bin bag in one hand and boxes in the other. My goal was to throw away anything I didn’t need anymore, and only keep the things that were absolutely necessary or objects I couldn’t part with. Sounds simple, but is a lot more difficult when actually executed. I had way too many possessions for this. So, there was a lot of debating going on in my mind. Should I throw it away or keep it? And after basically a whole internal discussion, I would often just choose to throw it away anyway. However, I realized what routine I was going through, so I quickly changed to just throwing stuff away unless it was important. And, boy, did it go much faster when I did that. Cam, on the other hand got distracted by every little item he found. He was like a kid cleaning up his room for the first time in ages. Everything he found was ‘awesome and cool’. Like, seriously, he would find a guitar pick and would have to play for an hour or so. That boy would never be able to leave this apartment, let alone this state, at this rate.

But, hey, at least I wouldn’t be stressed out as fuck when the time finally came for me to actually move in with Jack. To say I was excited was an understatement, because I was so fucking excited I really couldn’t wait much longer. Jack and I already spent most of the time we could together when he wasn’t on tour, but now I was going to be able to wake up next to him every single time. We would be able to cuddle more and watch more movies together, and of course, just like Alex had said, there would be a lot more sex. I know, Jack and I only did it three times, but that didn’t mean that I didn’t like it. Jack was actually pretty good and actually managed to make me feel comfortable while I literally had no idea was the fuck I was doing. I still surprised myself every day with how much I loved him and trusted him. It was totally unlike me, even though Cam did tell me that one time ‘that I wasn’t always this way’, but I liked it.

However, I wouldn’t see him until a bit later. There was still over one week to go, and I kept counting down the days, still having daily calls with him. But I still had other friends… or friend, I should say. Well, I actually had Lisa as well now, she had said she’d like to hang out one time before the wedding. But besides her, I only had Abagail. And since I did most of my packing already, I was able to join her for her first ultrasound--yes, she decided to keep the baby. She was around seven to eight weeks pregnant now, and it was actually pretty exciting. Oh, and she had contacted the father. They had been seeing each other while Abagail was in Iceland for a photoshoot, and apparently he had been waiting for her to contact him. While there, she had gotten a new Icelandic phone number, but when back to America, she went back to her old phone number. So, the guy didn’t have a way to contact her, but Abagail did. Of course he really liked Abagail, but a baby just seemed way too much for him. But he was a good guy, and promised he was going to be there. Actually, he was coming to visit in a couple of days. Maybe the baby would have two parents after all, or maybe it would have parents who were friends, at least there were no secrets being kept.

I was sitting in the waiting room with Abagail when the doctor called her in. Before we went, I asked if she wanted me to come, and she said she did. So of course I went. If I had been in this situation I probably also would have wanted somebody with me. This was doubtless pretty terrifying for her. I mean, I definitely would have been, and seeing all the pregnant women here just made me a tiny bit happier that I wasn’t the one that was pregnant. There was no way I would ever be able to deal with that.

We followed the doctor to the examination room, and I quickly texted Jack to tell him we were going to do the ultrasound now. Those were my exact words, actually. Little did I know that Jack had given Alex his phone to look something up, since the last time we had texted each other, which was 5 minutes before. So, Alex being Alex, thought I was the one getting the ultrasound, and was silently cursing at his best friend for not telling him. What I got out of the whole situation was a facetime call from ‘Jack’. Wondering why he would call me, I answered, only to find Alex glaring at me.

“Are you pregnant?” he said in the most discouraged and annoyed voice ever, most likely disappointed in me for not telling him, rather than the possibility of me actually being pregnant.

I sighed and shook my head. It wasn’t his business anyway if I were, so why was he being so curious? So, I rolled my eyes at him, “no, I’m not.”

“Then why did you say you were getting an ultrasound, huh?” Alex told me like he knew he was right and was catching me out on a lie.

“Because I was telling Jack, not you. If you would have read the entire conversation, you would have known that I’m here with my friend, who does happen to be pregnant,” I closed the door behind me while Abagail sat down on the bed. The doctor thanked me, having expected to have to close it herself.

“Last time I checked, you didn’t have any friends,” he joked when his eyes suddenly went wide, like he was freaking out about something, “except for Lisa!”

“No!” I shouted, getting pretty annoyed at him for always assuming what was going on, “I have one other friend, you shithead.”

I turned my phone around so Abagail was in view. Her shirt was already pulled up to my surprise, since I had been listening to Alex instead of the doctor. I actually felt kind of rude for doing what I was doing, but just hanging up on him would mean he would have the wrong ideas and rumours would spread around the All Time Low community, until everything would hit me in the face. There was no way I could let that happen.

“Yo, Alex!” I heard being shouted from a voice on the other side, “what are you even doing! I didn’t give you permission to call random people with my phone!”

Not even a second later, the image went all weird from Jack snatching the phone out of his best friend’s hand. I saw the floor for a while while Jack was probably hitting Alex on the head, since I heard the second boy whimper an ‘ouch’. Before I knew it, though, Jack was looking right at me. He first looked very confused, but then smiled widely when he realized it was me.

“Hey, Jacko,” I said before he could start having a whole conversation with me, because I knew I wouldn’t be able to stop it once it started, “I can’t talk right now. I'm at the ultrasound appointment with Abagail, after that it’s my turn for chemo. I’ll call you back later, ok?”

Jack seemed disappointed, but agreed nonetheless, “Ok, but you better call me before the chemo, I want to know how you are.”

I nodded before saying goodbye to him and ending the call. Yes, what I told Jack was the whole plan. I wasn’t just at the hospital because I had time to come with Abagail, but also because it was my first time having chemo. This was going to be my first cycle, and I thought joining Abagail would distract me a bit from how scared I was. But, having to say it to Jack just made it all so real again.

However, it was now time to see the baby growing inside of Abagail, so I put my phone back in my pocket and gave all my attention to what was happening in front of me, “sorry about that. I just had to clear up a misunderstanding before things started going wrong.”

“It’s ok,” Abagail smiled and held out a hand for me, which I took hold of while sitting in the spare chair.

The doctor put the weird blue transparent gel on Abagail’s stomach. You couldn’t see that she was pregnant yet, but that wouldn’t happen for another couple of months anyway. As soon as the doctor put the weird wand on the flat stomach, an image popped up on the screen. To be honest, I could not see anything in the black and white picture until the doctor pointed out what was supposedly the baby. Oh well, Abagail seemed pretty happy. And it was pretty fun being able to experience this with her, since I knew I was never going to be on a bed having an ultrasound myself.

After the doctor started explaining more, I realized I was going to be late for my own appointment, so I had to excuse myself and hurry to a wing on the opposite side of the building. As soon as I got there, I was able to go into the doctor’s office to go over the whole procedure again. All the side effects were explained, I was given all the dates for when I had to come in and for what, and he told me how it was going to work. I quickly signed the document given to me, only after reading it of course, and was sent up to the room where the chemo was given. A nurse came and hooked me up to the medication through an IV, when I suddenly realized I had forgotten to call Jack.

I got out my phone again, seeing as I was all alone in the room anyway, and facetime called him. That way I would be able to see his face while I was basically about to have a panic attack. The machine administering the chemo into me wasn’t going to start for another 2 minutes, and I was working myself up as the seconds went past. I was terrified and I could literally feel my heart trying to beat right out of my chest. Lucky for me, though, Jack answered in no time, probably already waiting for my call.

“Hey there, baby,” he piped cheerfully, something I wished I could do as well.

I took no time to wait before telling him how I was feeling, “I am literally freaking out right now. This thing,” I pointed the camera at the needle in my arm, “is sticking inside of me. That stuff,” I showed the medication, “is going to go inside of me,” I then turned my phone back towards myself, “and there is literally nobody here and it’s quiet as fuck. And I don’t know what to do. And I still have 1 minute 17, 16, 15, 14 seconds to go before it actually starts. And- And- And-.... Jack,” I whimpered as a tear escaped my left eye and rolled down my cheek.

“Hey, it’s going to be ok,” Jack started walking around, probably to go somewhere more private, “I know I can’t promise it, but I would if I could. I just want you to know I’m going to be here with you every step of the way, ok? I’ll be with you in just a couple of days. And if this tour was still going on for much longer, I would have gotten on the next plane to see you. But I know you won’t want that and that it will only make it worse if I would have to go back and then come home again a couple of days later. I just need you to stay strong for me, ok?”

I nodded, and the machine started letting the chemo into my body, but I could help and shakily add, “p-please stay o-on the phone w-with me.”

“Of course, baby,” he tried making me feel better by comforting me, “how about I tell you this story about what happened yesterday?”

I nodded, just wanting to be distracted by something. And somehow it worked. The mixture of Jack seeming so into the story and his voice just got me to forget about everything going on around me. There was a reason why I had to stay strong and fight through it all, and it was Jack. He was going to be here for me the entire time, so I was going to make sure I was there for him when this finished. I was going to fight this stupid disease, not let it consume me. And the only way to do that was through the chemo.

When Jack finished off his story, no longer being able to drag it out anymore, Alex appeared out of nowhere, “hey, Ireland. I don’t know if this is the wrong moment or not, but Lisa was wondering if you were coming to our wedding or not.”

“Oh yeah,” I nodded, pretty happy he was occupying me, even though it probably wasn’t intentional, “I forgot about that. When is it, again?”

“Ninth of April,” he said as soon as I asked.

I frowned and pouted, all the dates that I had to be at the hospital fresh in my mind, “I can’t. I literally just got told that I have to stay at the hospital from the eighth to the tenth.”

“What!?” Jack interrupted pretty loudly.

“It will be halfway through the cycle, so they just want to see how things are going, it’s nothing bad, don’t worry. Plus, you’ll be able to get drunk and it won’t bother me. I’m sorry, though, Alex,” I told both of them, the reality of me being hooked up to machine settling back in.

“It’s ok, I understand, I’m sure Lisa will too,” Alex disappeared again, giving Jack and I privacy.

Jack looked at me, his eyebrows furrowed, “but-”

“No,” I stopped him before he would say that he wouldn’t go to the wedding if I would be in the hospital, “you have to go. He’s your best friend, and you really shouldn’t be worried about me. If anything, you should feel better. I will be at the hospital, so if anything happens, I will be in good hands.”

“Ok, fine,” Jack’s expression slowly softened, “I love you.”

“I love you too,” I mumbled, just wanting to be in his arms again.