Status: Completed! Sequel up soon

Hospital Beds and Memories

Stuck in My Head, Voices from the Outside

Time had passed. I didn’t know how much, but I knew it wasn’t just a couple of minutes; it must have been at least a day. The only reason I knew that was that I had heard my parents come in at one point, talking to Jack’s parents. Great way to meet each other, right? Nobody was there to introduce them to each other, and it would be such a disaster if things went wrong without Jack and I knowing. My dad flew back from work for me, and my mom took the first flight back home as well. All I did was act like I was asleep in my hospital bed.

Yes, I knew I was at the hospital. I didn’t know why though. Something must have happened in the bathroom, but I couldn’t remember a thing. The last memory I had was me telling Jack that I was going to the bathroom; that was all. As hard as I tried, I just couldn’t remember a thing, and it made me wonder if I had forgotten anything else. But, hey, I wouldn’t even be able to know, since I didn't even know what there was to remember.

Cam stopped the recording process as well to come back here for me. The first time I ‘woke up’ he was there, the parents having gone out for a bit. You can probably imagine how confusing that must have been for me. My brother, who was supposed to be in LA, was now in front of me while I was in a hospital hooked up to many different machines. We did make a sneaky deal though. I really didn’t want to talk to anybody; I just didn’t feel like answering questions and being asked if I was ok. So, if one of the parents were coming back in, I would act to be asleep, and Cam will tell them that they just missed me being awake. I know, it’s a terrible thing to do, but I couldn’t help it.

He wasn’t just my brother and twin, he was also my best friend. I knew he would do anything to make me feel more comfortable. There had been a couple of times where he would try to explain to me what was going on, but I just didn’t have enough energy to stay awake for that long. I really wanted to know what was wrong, but the explanations were either too long or nobody would tell me what was going on.

So, basically, I didn’t know what was going on with me, but I knew it was no good. I could already tell something serious was going on without anybody having to tell me. My body was just screaming it right at me; eyes not being able to stay open for long, slow movements, and taking a while to understand something somebody said. Everything was wrong, but everybody was here.

Except one person. Jack. He was the only one not here. Another thing I couldn’t exactly explain. Like I had said before, I didn’t know how long I’d been here for, so it was possible he hadn’t even had the time to come, maybe he wasn’t able to come, maybe he wasn’t told about the whole situation, or maybe he simply didn’t want to come. Nothing was telling me why it would be the latter, but it was still a possibility. As unlikely as it was, I wasn’t going to rule it out. However, I couldn't forget about him not knowing. I was still chatting with him just before it happened, so he must have heard it.

Oh my god. He must have been so worried. I could suddenly visualise Joyce bent over me, trying to keep me awake, calling her daughter to call 911. Her eyes were wide with panic, adrenaline rushing through her body while her voice was shaking with fear. Jack must have heard everything. I couldn’t just leave him out of the know--

I heard Cameron quietly shush someone as the door to the room softly shut, “she was awake a couple of minutes ago, she might still be, but she often just falls asleep in no time.”

There was no response. Instead, I heard the sound of somebody’s jeans scrape a chair next to me as they sat down. Soon after, my hand was being held in a warm embrace, intertwined fingers in a strong yet subtle hold. I small smile crept onto my face as I felt complete again. Of course I knew it was Jack. I mean, who else would it be? I already knew exactly what my parents or his parents did when they were told I wasn’t awake, and Cameron was on the other side of my bed. Unless it was some random stranger or person I couldn’t remember, it had to be Jack.

It would have been terrible to wake up to find out Jack was already a past relationship and there was another person waiting for me. I wouldn’t know what I would do. It would be confusing and hard to take in. I don’t think I would have been able to deal with it.
I wanted to wake up, to see who it was and reassure myself. But I couldn’t. I was in that coma-like state you are stuck in before you fall asleep: no moving or waking yourself up, only hearing what was going on around you. With the long comas I had been in before, I was able to stay calm. Patience was key.

Cameron mumbled something about going somewhere to get some coffee. He was going to be leaving me and the other person here all alone. I just really hoped it was Jack. Please let it be Jack. I would’ve rather been all alone than be in this room with a complete stranger, even though everybody made sure that there was always somebody with me ‘in case I woke up with questions’.

My hand was squeezed softly and being carefully picked up. It wasn’t long before I felt a pair of lips carefully grazing my knuckles, lingering at the finger that used to be a proud wearer of a promise ring -- it had either been taken off by me, and I couldn’t remember, or the doctors took it off when sticking needles all over me (I didn’t know their protocols).

As my hand was placed back down delicately on the sterile bed, the other hand not losing it’s grip, there was a small breathy chuckle, “I told you it wasn’t just a cold.”

Jack. It was him. His voice sounded smooth and familiar to me, having a different effect on me than anybody else’s had. It was like it actually gave me hope and motivation to wake up. I had been in this routine for hours/days and Jack was here to help me out of it. He had been able to get me out of a coma before, he could also mentally help me get better in no time. I just knew it. He had been there so often for me, helping me out every single time, he had to do that as well this time. It was just how it always worked. Jack was my guardian angel.

“I’m sorry I didn’t come earlier,” he continued to talk, even though he couldn’t be sure I heard anything he was saying to me, “trust me, I really wanted to. You were all that was on my mind, and I made sure to call that weird twin brother or yours at least twice a day for updates. I just wasn’t able to get away before now. Although everybody wanted me to come as quickly as possible, I still had to do three shows because of legal reasons and then I couldn’t get on a plane because it was full, and--” he sighed, resting his head against my arm, allowing tears to fall from his warm skin to my cool one, “it just sounds like I’m making excuses for myself. There’s no excuse for me coming six days after you were admitted to the hospital. I should have just gone straight away, not caring about what everybody told me. It would have been better for everybody if I just hopped on the first plane right after I heard my mum start shouting over the facetime call. I wouldn’t have been in a tourbus for almost a week, freaking the fuck out because I didn’t know what was going to happen; you wouldn’t have had to worry about whether I was forgetting about you or not; and the others wouldn’t have had to be here these hours I should have been with you.

‘“I don’t even care what everybody would have said to me if I left, even though it was against the rules, especially what the fans would have said. As much as they’d hate me for dropping everything and leaving, I wouldn’t care. If you’re in trouble and need me, I have to be there. You know, it might sound stupid, but you are the most important thing in my life, you’re my number one priority. I’d quit the band for you and try to find some other job if that makes you happier, even if it’s a job at McDonalds. I just don’t care. As cheesy as it sounds, I’d do anything for you.

“What would I have done if you had died in those couple of days. Huh, Isle, what would I have done?! I was just waiting for that phone call; I was just waiting to answer my phone only to hear Cam crying, or your parents sobbing, maybe even my parents; I was just waiting to get to know I had been too late to even come and see you one last time. It terrified me to the point that I didn’t even want to sleep because I was so afraid I was going to miss a phone call during the night. I just didn’t know what was going to happen, and I hated it. I hate not knowing what is going on with you!

“As much as I don’t want to believe it, we all know you’re not doing well. Things are going pretty terrible, actually, and I know you don’t want to give in and tell someone, but we all know. You don’t have to hide things like that. I don’t know if you know this, but what you thought was just a simple cold, really wasn’t that. You got a chest infection, and since your immune system is so weak, it spread so quickly, taking over in such a small period amount of time. Your body is so exhausted and it’s not responding well to the chemo anymore. All the progress you made is completely gone, it’s actually been reversed. Your blood count is so low. If your parents weren’t the ones paying for all this, I would have used all my savings to help you, even with this low chance of survival.

“They want to raise your dosage of chemo, see if that might work. It will have serious side effects, though. This time you’ll probably lose all of your hair, and I know how much you love your hair and how much you love it when I play with it. But I’ll still think you’ll look so beautiful, baby. You might lose those amazing long locks and your eyebrows, but those are just extras. Just being with you makes me fall in love over and over again.

“And I know that you don’t want any kids in the future and that you keep telling everybody that over and over again. You always hate explaining it to all your distant relatives, but I don’t really care. I love the annoyed look you give them, secretly judging them for silently judging you. You always look like you are ready to just hit them in the face with a chair as you start rambling on about all these reasons you have. And it’s your decision, so I fully support it. I know you always feel bad since I’m not against the idea at all, but you shouldn’t. Like I said before, I’d do anything for you. It’s just that now there is a high chance that it won’t even be your decision anymore, the chemo will be doing it for you. I know you might not really care now, but I don’t want you to be upset if you ever change your mind. Of course, there’s still adoption, and, if you chose to do so now, IVF, but I’ve known people who were so crushed about not being able to do it themselves. I don’t ever want that to happen to you; I can’t stand seeing you cry, I would not be able to deal with how upset you’d be then.

“You might not want to get married either, but I’m still planning on spending the rest of my life with you. To some people it might sound weird ‘grow old together without getting married’, but I completely disagree. As long as I am with you, everything will be fine. I meant it every single time when I said that I don’t want to lose you. I’ll be lost if you’re suddenly not here. Now, don’t take this the wrong way. I don’t want you fighting this fucking cancer for me, I want you to do it for yourself, and maybe, just maybe, you’d consider our future together as well.

“I love you, baby, please have sweet dreams.”