Status: Completed! Sequel up soon

Hospital Beds and Memories

Regressing to the Mismanaged State of Mind

Another day in the hospital, another day with just my brother and Jack around. Not that I was complaining, but it would have been nice to either get some time all alone, or at least be able to go out of the room once in awhile. Apparently I was just ‘too unstable’ to go out for a small walk, even if it was just out in the corridor. Oh, and of course my parents came and Jack’s did as well, and I actually didn’t do that whole I-don’t-want-to-talk-to-you-so-I-act-like-I’m-sleeping thing. Either I was legitimately asleep, or I actually took the time to talk with them. Pretty impressive, if I say so myself.

What was a lot less impressive, if you ask me, however, was that I had missed Jack’s birthday. No, I don’t mean that I forgot about it, because I really didn’t. It already sucked that I couldn’t go out and buy him a gift or something. What happened was that I fell asleep on the 17th of June, but somehow happened to wake up on the 19th; the 18th just didn’t exist for me. Jack kept telling me it was ok, but I just felt terrible. He had planned out this whole amazing day for my birthday, but I couldn’t even be awake during his. Sure, I wouldn’t have seen him even if I wasn’t stuck in a hospital, and he would’ve still been on tour, but I actually had the opportunity now. I just wished it hadn’t gone that way.

That wasn’t the only bad thing, though, but it was definitely the worst. The chemo had been hitting me really hard. While I only had minor side effects when I was just put on it, it was really taking it’s toll on me this time. I always told myself I wouldn’t mind so much if it would happen, but now that it was happening, I felt slightly different about it. My hair had started thinning and falling out. Everybody around me said that it didn’t matter, but with the amount of times I ran my fingers through it a pulled out yet another big chunk, I had become too paranoid for Jack to even let his hand come close to my hair. I didn’t want him having to unexpectedly pull some of the brown strands out. It was absolutely horrifying when it happened, I didn’t need him to overcome that as well.

“Guys, can we just shave off all my hair?” I asked as it happened once again. This time it had caught on my ring, which I had gotten to wear again -- the nurses had taken it off when they were busy doing tests when I had just been admitted.

“Are you sure?” Jack looked at me with surprise. It wasn’t that he thought it shouldn’t happen, but that he was startled by my will to do it. He had assumed that I would have hated it, but I knew that there was nothing else I could really do.

“Yeah,” I shrugged, showing that I really didn’t think it was such a big deal, and quickly looked at my brother to see what he was thinking about it, “I was thinking of switching up my hairstyle anyway, why not just do bald? Plus, this whole shedding hair thing is getting quite annoying.”

“Well, ok, we’ll tell a nurse, then.” Cam smiled before being distracted by the vibrating of his phone. His grin got even wider when he read the message displayed on his screen and he quickly got up, “I’ll be right back, my girlfriend’s here.”

I furrowed my eyebrows as he rushed out. My gaze soon landed on Jack, who just raised his shoulders in response. So, neither of us knew about this. I thought I might have missed the time Cameron has explicitly told us about her, but apparently Jack hadn’t heard a word either. And that was really unlike Cam. Either something was really wrong, or he was so happy he just forgot to tell us. Obviously, I really hoped it was the latter, and not the first option (you know, I couldn’t really do anything to protect my brother while I was in a hospital bed).

“No, wait,” I groaned, suddenly remembering how bad I looked, “I can’t meet her like this! Why would Cam do that! Is he really that mean to me? I don’t care what people think about me, obviously, but I don’t generally like meeting new people when I’m confined to what I can do!”

“It will be ok, baby. If his girlfriend think anything bad of you, I will personally make sure it gets sorted out, but I’m pretty sure nothing like that will have to happen,” Jack reassured from the chair he had claimed -- it was the best one in the room since it worked a bit like a recliner, allowing him to sleep slightly more comfortably. He quickly pecked my lips to seal the deal and went to stroke back my hair before thinking better of it, knowing I would get mad at him.

“But still,” I whined and pulled my blanket all the way over my head to hide myself. The only parts of my body visible were my fingers from holding on to the white sterile sheets.

It was only supposed to be a joke, but, only seconds after, Cam came back with a girl following him. I couldn’t just reveal myself now, that would make everything only a lot worse, like I was actually trying to make an ‘entrance’ even though I wasn’t the one walking in. But it didn’t seem like all the attention was on me, which was a change for once, a change I actually liked.

“Jack?” Cam’s mystery girlfriend gasped, surprised to see him in this room.

“Tay?” Jack seemed equally as stunned.

Was I the only person here who didn’t know this Tay person? Well, there were only four people in total in this room, so it wasn’t all too difficult, but still. I didn’t know why Jack knew her; I just hoped it wasn’t one of his exes. No, not because I was afraid to lose him, but because I didn’t want this to be awkward for anybody here: whether it be Jack, Cam, or the person I had never ever met. Hopefully she was a nice person, though. There was no way I was going to let my twin brother date another one of those fake girls who will do anything to get rid of me (yes, I’m referring back to that girl from way back; the one at the diner who tried to take Jack away from me before we were even dating).

“Field, I know you’re hiding under your duvet,” Cam sighed, causing all the attention the switch back to me. Great way to blow my cover, bro.

I shook my head, although I knew it would only make it even more obvious, “no, I don’t exist anymore.”

“I can literally see all your hair sticking out.”

“Not for much longer, though.” I smartly added.

Before I could even question what Cam was going to do next, my blanket was being ripped off me. But that wasn’t all that was ripped off. He managed to tug some hair along with it as well. No, it wasn’t hair that was falling out, so I hope you can imagine how annoyed I was at him. I didn’t care that I was going to shave it all off anyway, because it still hurt like a bitch. Ever have anybody pull out quite a lot of hair all at once? If yes, that feeling.

“Ouch!” I yelped, glaring at my brother for his actions, “I’ll have you know that was still attached to my head, thank you very much!” I proceeded to grab the tissue box from the bedside table and throwing it right at him, hitting him right in the chest.

I know, I know, you can’t solve anything with violence. And trust me, I completely agreed with that. But if it involved my twin brother, violence was always the first option. Well, either that or love. It really was a bipolar relationship if you asked me. In situations likes this, I wouldn’t hesitate throwing things at him, as you have probably already realised by now.

And that’s when I saw the girl who had been hugging Jack. It wasn’t just your average ‘Tay’. It was Taylor Jardine. No, I wasn’t fangirling, but I just didn’t think Cameron would be with somebody like that (not meant in a bad way at all). From the stories I heard about her, she seemed like such an awesome person while Cam was… well, he was just Cam, if you know what I mean. I didn’t even understand how they could have met each other; Cam now lived on the west-coast, while Tay was here on the east. If they had gotten together before Cameron even moved, I was seriously going to flip out. My brother wanted to know everything about my relationship, if I found out he didn’t say a thing for that long, things weren’t going to be pretty.

I decided to leave it be for now, and actually decide to not scare her off with more than just the horrible state I was in. So, I gave her a small smile, “well, Tay, you chose a good day to come. Stuff is actually going to be happening; we’ll be shaving off my hair. It’s the most adventure that’s happened in here since I was just admitted here. Well, actually, I once tried to scare Cam, but instead I nearly died from a coughing fit from laughing too much while I was still recovering from the chest infection… Anyways, hi.”

She chuckled at my rambling and waved back at me, “Hi.”

----

Not even an hour after I had met Tay, a nurse come into the room with some clippers. I knew it was time, and while I was dreading it slightly, I was actually also very excited. Of course there was this small fear of it not looking good at all, but I was very curious to see how it looked. Why not just go for a drastic change when you want to do something? I looked at it like an opportunity to do something daring I would never have thought of doing otherwise. It wasn’t something completely new, but then again the last time I did it, I was only a child and didn’t know any better.

The heart monitor was disconnected and any other devices that wasn't necessary to keep me alive were also hooked off, only leaving my IV -- which was there for my nausea medication and to make sure the chemo didn’t dehydrate me completely -- attached to me. After finally getting out of bed once again, I got to sit on a chair, facing away from the nurse, but still being able to see Jack, Cam, and Tay from the corner of my eyes.

Jack got out his camera, which he had apparently brought along with him here, and started recording me. I wasn’t complaining, though. This was something I’d want to remember, whether it looked good or bad. Plus, it meant I’d have something to do in bed again. All of our other videos (except one) were already edited and uploaded before I was even admitted, so I was really happy to know I was going to be able to edit something again, even if it wasn’t really needed.

Which reminds me, people were actually liking our videos. Jack had insisted on calling our channel 'The Barakats’, even though I wasn’t one, but he seemed so excited about calling it that, I wasn’t going to crush his dreams just by saying that we would probably never get married. Quite a lot of people had subscribed, obviously wanting to know more about Jack’s personal life, and it seemed like they were getting quite worried with our -- well, mostly his -- lack of activity on social media. Trust me, people were actually getting mad at him for not tweeting or putting anything on his snap story. Pretty terrifying if you ask me.

Anyway, back to the ‘exciting’ stuff: shaving off all my hair. The hair clippers turned on, filling the quiet room with a deep buzzing. After bringing it closer to my head, the nurse double checked if I really wanted to do this. I said I was completely ready, and started bracing myself for the impact.

And then it happened. My first couple of locks fell down on the floor, making sure it was no longer as clean as the hospital had made sure it was in the morning. This was it. I officially couldn’t go back anymore.

I started humming a tune, before deciding to just go for it and sing it.

“My hair is tired and it's falling out
But before it all does I think I will let it down
I'll grow it out like it's the 60s, man
Because I feel young enough and just because I can”


Jack took hold of my hand in support, smiling because of how I was acting. He knew there was nothing to worry about. While he was being the supportive and caring boyfriend he was, Cam started grinning, waiting for me to start the chorus so he could sing along.

“Grow your hair out, let your hair down while you still can
Because it'll fall out, you'll go bald like an old man
You put the top down, let your locks blow around
Driving through town without a care
Grow it to the ground, let it all down everywhere
Grow out your hair”


I tried dancing along a bit without making the nurse mess up. Even though I was having fun, I still didn’t want her to accidentally cut my ear off. So I was just awkwardly shuffling around a little, but everybody still got the gist.

“The other morning as I rolled on out
Of my bed I got tripped up by something on the ground
My curls had grown all the way to the floor
I kinda like the way it looks
I'll grow it out some more

“Grow your hair out, let your hair down while you still can
Because it'll fall out, you'll go bald like an old man
You put the top down, let your locks blow around
Driving through town without a care
Grow it to the ground, let it all down everywhere

“Nobody's gonna tell me how to wear my hair
Not my momma or a big wig millionaire
I'll let it all down anywhere
I'll let it all down everywhere
See, I don't care if you all care
It's on my head and it's not your hair

“Grow your hair out, let your hair down while you still can
Because it'll fall out, you'll go bald like an old man
You put the top down, let your locks blow around
Driving through town without a care
Grow it to the ground, let it all down everywhere
Grow out your hair”


Even the nurse let out a giggle as Cam and I both finished shouting out the last line. I might have been very ill, but it didn’t mean I couldn’t still have a little fun. Who knew if I’d ever get better. I had to make the most of it now that I still able to sit up. My state was still regressing and I was noticing it, I had to make sure I wasn’t stupid enough to wait until I was completely crippled.

“And now we awkwardly wait for this to finish…” I whistled as soon as my laughter had started dying down.

I had trouble staying awake for the whole process. A small thing like singing was enough to use up all the energy I had. I was really trying my best not to curl up in the chair and just close my eyes right there, and Jack was starting to realise, trying to distract me with games on his phone to keep me awake. As often my brother was here for long periods of time, Jack was still the one that hadn’t left my side since he had arrived here. Our parents had brought him clean clothes, and I was lucky enough to have a private ensuite bathroom; Jack would just take showers there, and if I could, he would even help me take one.

Oh yes, the hair cut. Let’s just say it was going to take some getting used to. It wasn’t patchy since the nurse had shaved everything off with a razor at the very end, so that was at least something. But it was so weird seeing myself bald. Ever since my coma, I always had long hair, only growing it out to be longer, and it was just all gone in one go. There was nothing to frame my face with anymore, and I definitely felt a little colder. But hey, no more greasy and knotted hair. And of course no more bedhead.

Speaking of which, Jack had sent me to bed straight away. I was able to fall asleep in no time, which was to be expected. To make it easier, though, I clutched tightly onto Jack’s hand. It wasn’t uncommon for me to have nightmares. The chemo was making it actually quite rare for me not to have one. To make it even worse, the nightmare was always the same one: seeing Cam die at the foot of my hospital bed, getting lost in the maze that was hospital corridors, my parent’s dissolving right in front of me, and Jack pushing me out of a window or from the top of the building.

Today wasn’t an exception, although I did wake up as soon as Cam collapsed in front of me once again, looking all bloody and broken. I woke up screaming. Jack, who had fallen asleep beside me shot upright to see what was wrong, while Cam rushed over to help me, sitting at the foot of the bed. I flipped complete shit as he sat there, telling him to move away, but not why; I just didn’t want to see him die. Only after he finally moved away did I calm down, realising that it was all just the same old nightmare again. And I was out like a light in no time.

Great impression on Tay, am I right?

When I woke up later in the evening, I immediately apologized, saying I didn’t know what came over me, that I felt like I was still stuck in my nightmare from before. Cam said it was all fine, but I could see that he was still shaken up about it. It wasn’t everyday that I woke up and was still half asleep, screaming about whatever had happened in my nightmare. If I had seen anything like that happen to him, I probably would have felt exactly the same way. Jack, however, decided to take me on my first trip out of the room. It was time. I had to sit in a wheelchair and hold onto the pole that was needed for my IV as he pushed me out of the room and into the corridor.

It was the very first time I had been here since I had been admitted, but it still looked exactly the same as all the other hallways in the hospital: blue chairs against the wall, occasional equipment outside of a room, and the same old cardboard walls and shiny laminate floors. There was one big difference, though. Some rooms had windows so you could look into them from inside. The people seemed off so much worse than me. Not only were they missing their hair, their skin was not just completely pale, but they also had breathing tubes. I kept telling myself I wasn’t like that, but deep down I knew I wasn’t far from it. I already had a mask to help me breathe when I went to sleep during the night because it was much less likely for somebody to realise that something was wrong since they were all asleep as well. My eyes had terrifyingly big bags underneath them, creating such a humongous contrast with my pasty white skin. I was basically already in the process of becoming a ghost.

I tore my eyes away from all the depressing images in front of me, and focus on where Jack was bringing me. He took a left somewhere, bringing me to a large room with comfortable looking chairs, other patients, and a large window to see a view through, just like the one in my dream. This felt different, however, it wasn’t the same eerie feeling that was supposed to be relief. No, this just felt warming.

Jack stopped the wheelchair next to one of the normal chairs, so we could both sit down and look outside. It was nice having a change of scenery for once, but it wasn’t just right yet. I got up out of my wheelchair, getting a confused and worried look from him, but I wasn’t going to do anything stupid (I think). Instead of sitting in my wheelchair, I sat down on Jack’s lap and cuddled into his chest. It had been way too long since I had contact with him like this, I had forgotten how much I actually missed it. He wrapped his long arms around me, being careful not to cut off the IV, and let out a sigh of content. I couldn’t help the small smile that formed on my lips knowing he was feeling the same exact way.

“What to talk about it?” He whispered as he kissed the top of my freshly shaved head.

“The nightmare?” I questioned while I also knew there wasn’t really anything else to talk about.

“Yeah.”

“Ok. Well, it already started before all this shit happened, so don’t think it’s from me being here for so long. So, it always the same one and I think I’ve figured it out.” I first gave him some backstory before getting into the exact details. Jack listened quietly, only nodding along softly. “It start off with me waking up in the hospital, in a room like the one I’m staying in now. Nobody is there except for Cam, but something wrong with him. He sits at the end of my bed and it looks like he’s been in a terrible accident, and then he just dies in front of me but only after repeating some words I can’t remember.”

“Is that why you freaked out about him sitting on your bed?” Jack asked without it making him seem like he was assuming things.

I nodded, “I woke up during that scene, so I was just very confused about it all. He hadn’t died yet in my nightmare, and I was still half asleep, of course I was going to try to do something.” I didn’t expect Jack to say anything in response to that, so I continued my story instead, “then, when I get out of the hospital room, I get lost in the corridors. Eventually, I see my parents waiting on something, so I go up to them. They also tell me something very similar to what Cam tells me, but I just can’t remember what it is. Suddenly they turn into liquid sand or some weird substance and disappear. Then, later on, I find you,” I could feel Jack stiffen up a bit underneath me, he already knew this couldn’t be any good, but he probably didn’t expect what I was going to tell him, “and something just forces me to go up to you, I can’t run away or anything. But nothing happens, nothing at all. You bring me up to a window much like this one, but the glass is impossibly thin. It seems like everything will be fine, but then you just push me out of the window and the whole dream ends. I never wake up, I never die, I just don’t know what happens after that.”

He let out a shaky breath, but continued to act like he was completely calm, “and you said you think you know what it means?”

“Yes, I think so. I figured out the basics after the first time I had it, which was actually just before I told you I had leukemia. But, what I think it means… well, first of all I think all the roles are reversed. Obviously I’m the one dying, not my family. So, that’s that first of all. But then, with you it’s a bit different, which also makes me come to the conclusion that I’ve gotten over the fact that I’ll be leaving all my family behind. But with you, I’m not able to push you out of the window, as weird as that seems. I’m not able to let go of you, in other words.”

“You don’t have to let me go,” Jack pulled me closer to emphasize his point, “and I will not be letting go of you.”