Hospital Beds and Memories

I woke up that morning with nobody around except Cam. He was waiting for me to wake up, trying to distract himself with games on his phone, but checking up on me every ten seconds. It was like he was dying to tell me something. While I was happy he was around, I was still left very confused. Normally Jack would be the first person I woke up to, but he was nowhere to be seen, and Tay was gone as well. I didn’t recall either of them telling me they had to go that day, and I also didn’t accidentally skip a whole day again.

Other than that, everything was still the same. I was given my nausea medication through the IV before the chemo was administered and I had to swallow some other pills. Although I was given food, I barely ate any, feeling too sick to even think about putting something other than just one apple slice into my mouth. The medicine given to me each day was supposed to make me feel less sick and dizzy, but I could swear that it wasn’t working properly. And if it actually was, I did not want to know what I would feel like without it.

Once again, I pushed the tray of food away while it was barely touched. Normally, Jack would try to make me eat some more, but since he wasn’t here, that obviously wasn’t going to happen. Cam never forced me to either, so I wasn’t even going to bother. It wasn’t like it would make a difference anyway.

“Where are Jack and Tay?” I finally decided to ask after Cameron had just been looking for something in his black backpack for a while. While he was doing that, I was just sitting in bed, not doing anything even though I knew there were videos for me to edit.

“Oh, yeah, I forgot to tell you, sorry.” He snapped his head up and took an envelope out of his bag, seeming to have something else on his mind. “I thought Jack had been here for so long, so I told him to go out for the day. I sent Tay out with him so he’s not alone. It should be fine since they’re already good friends. I just wanted to let him be the one to take his mind off of things for once.”

“That’s nice of you. I just didn’t think it was possible. He always refuses to leave.” I smiled at my brother’s kindness.

“Trust me, it took quite a lot of persuading for him to do so. But I thought we’d maybe do something together today… in the hospital, of course… probably in this room… while you’re in bed.”

I nodded, but sat up and tried to get out of bed. “I first need to go to the bathroom, though.”

“Ok, let me help you.” He quickly rushed over to my side, putting the envelope on the bedside table before taking my arms and pulling me up, giving me the extra strength to get me in the standing position. After making sure that my IV was still intact and removing the heart monitor, he let me go, telling me to call if I needed help with something in there.

I pulled the rattly pole with me as I entered to bathroom, closing the door behind me. There wasn’t a lock so people could come in in case it was needed, but it wasn’t like I would have locked the door even if I had the opportunity. I wasn’t stupid enough to do that, knowing that anything could happen to me. I mean, the reason why I was in the hospital did start in the bathroom. It would only make sense for me not to lock myself up.

The bright fluorescent lamp flickered, making a buzzing noise, before finally stabilizing and illuminating the small tiled bathroom with white light. I caught a glimpse of myself in the large mirror that nearly took up one whole wall just above the sink. All I could do was stare, just like that other time. But it was different. I wasn’t confused, I knew exactly where I was, what was going on, and who I was.

I knew who I was, I knew that girl in the mirror was me. I looked so terrible. The entire time, I always thought it was quite bad, but it was even worse than that. My eyes were no longer the same, now looking sunken and dull. The bags underneath them were getting worse by the day, increasing in size and darkness. My eyebrows were finally gone after thinning out for a while. While my lips used to be a light shade of red, matching my skintone well, they were now turning a deep shade of purple, masked by a thin layer of opaque skin. It was such a huge contrast to my ghostly white skin, my freckles popping out more that usual.

Just a little longer, and I would look like a corpse.

While I was so mesmerized and confused by my appearance, there was no doubt that it was me. I felt exactly the way I looked. The constant ache was translated through all the ugly features, showing that my body was being destroyed from the inside out. There was no recovery from this. It was the way it was.

“Field? Are you ok in there? Or am I just awkwardly interrupting you right now?” Cameron knocked on the door, causing me to jump, averting my eyes away from the image I had been staring at for so long.

“Yeah, yeah, all good,” I chirped back, opening the door and walking out before freezing in the spot, “Wait. I forgot to actually use the toilet…”

“What were you doing?” He chuckled and sat down on a chair next to the small desk, which now no longer had get-well cards, but a collection of boxes, envelopes, and pens.

“I don’t know…” I trailed off and went back to the bathroom, actually doing what I had intended to do before. I was just going to blame it on chemobrain. It wasn’t my fault I just forgot what I was going to do, and got completely lost in thought; it was all the chemo that was not only affecting the cancer cells.

When I came back, Cam helped me back into my bed, making sure everything was attached properly again, and carefully placing the blanket on top of me to keep me warm. I had the habit of getting cold very quickly, no matter how warm it actually was. After double checking that I was all well, he went back to the table and picked up the first envelope, carefully opening it. I watched him with raised eyebrows, curious as to what was in it and what his plans were.

“So… umm, I don’t really know how to put this,” he looked through the contents before looking up at me with an uncertain smile, “with all the stuff going on, I think it might be a good idea to make some, umm, decisions. Like, umm… uh, how you’d like your funeral to go in case it happens.”

“Oh,” I whispered, feeling just as uncomfortable as he sounded.

“Yeah, umm, I know it’s kinda morbid, but I thought we could maybe do it a bit differently. Instead of doing all the boring stuff, it’s more about memories and things you’d like to be shared. I’ve brought pictures from all the things you can remember, so stuff from before the accident and form some certain events. Also, you can write a speech for me and choose a couple of songs to go along with it. It doesn’t matter how wacky it is. Write it as if you’re the one saying it, but I’ll actually be the one reading it out loud. I’ll also do it for myself, so it isn’t just about you. It’s more like a fun sleepover activity.”

“A fun sleepover activity?”

“No?”

I shook my head at him, scrunching up my face. It wasn’t exactly like that. Actually, it was nothing like that at all. This was never something I would be doing at a sleepover. No, not at all. But Cam was right, I had to do this. I might not have wanted to think about it, but we all knew there was such a big possibility of it happening. At least I had some input like this. It was something, right?

“I get to write anything that you have to say out loud in front of all our friends and family?” I grinned already thinking of all the inappropriate things I could possibly make him say. Even though I knew I wouldn’t be there to see it happen and check he actually did it, I knew Cam would keep his promise.

“Yes, anything, but please try to limit on your insults. I’d like some family members to still like me a bit,” he told me in a joking stern voice, handing me a notepad and a pen, “Oh, and if you’d like to have pictures go along with it, be happy to look through everything I brought along with me. I personally flipped through them all to make sure there are only things you would be able to remember.”

“Do we have a photo of your prom?” I asked after thinking of how to start this very important piece of writing.

“My prom? No… why would I have that in here?”

I bluntly put it, “I was your date to prom.”

He looked at me with wide eyes. “What?”

“Exactly what I said: I was your date to prom. You didn’t manage to get a date in time, since everybody rejected you. So, I went with you. All of your friends kept calling me hot, and they didn’t know I was your sister except your best friend. We played along with it and the entire school thought you managed to score a, I quote, ‘super beautiful girl from another school’. If only they knew. You’re lucky I wore enough makeup to make us look nothing alike.” I could still remember all of his friends’ faces when Cam and I walked up to them. After having told them that he didn’t have a date, my brother certainly managed to impress the entire school.

He just stared at me for a while before breaking out into a wide smile, shaking his head at my story. “We don’t talk about it.”

“But it happened.” I pointed out.

“Yes, but we don’t talk about it,” he urged, but his smile didn’t disappear.

“You were just very stupid, being used to be able to get all the girls you wanted. But you took advantage of it for so long, and the girls figured you out. So, when you asked them, you expected them to go with you and forget about the other person who asked them out. Unfortunately for you, it didn’t work. But it did give me a reason to wear my prom dress twice, so that’s something.”

“Ok, stop it. I was a terrible person, you can stop rubbing it in my face. I’m much better now, I have a girlfriend who I love dearly, and who I’ve been seeing for three months.”

I ignored his statement, and continued by making fun of him. “My prom was a much better success. I decided to go with a disabled student who I had befriended after helping out for a while. My boyfriend didn’t really like that… But I can’t remember who he was.”

“He was no good, that’s what he was,” Cam snorted, obviously knowing who I didn’t know.

“You mean he was just like you? Well, good to know.”

“No! He was not ‘just like me’, you asshole!” He pouted and tried to make me feel guilty --not being successful, however. “Anyway, since when do you remember this?”

“Since now,” I shrugged and tapped my pen on the paper.

“Well, I’ve got to get a whole load more photos if you keep going at this rate.”

We decided to actually work on our speeches after that. Cam was right by saying it was a fun way to deal with something actually terribly sad. We managed to laugh about several different photos, especially from when we were at the age when we did many mischievous things. For example, there was a photo our mom took after catching us drawing on each other with permanent marker. Well, it was actually Cam covering me in ink while I sat there quietly allowing him to turn me into a dark green monster. No, I wasn’t stupid enough to just obey, he threatened to do it to my teddy bear if I didn’t allow him to draw something on me. I was, however, stupid enough not to realise he was just painting me instead of doodling. I just loved my teddy bear too much. But, hey, I once gave him a terrible haircut because I was too afraid to cut my own hair. Great, right?

There were many more stories like that, but they are way too embarrassing. Let’s just say Cam and I certainly managed to frustrate our parents. Another reason why I never wanted to have kids, let alone twins. I would not be able to deal with all that running around, scolding every time they did something wrong. Seriously, my kids would be fucked up because I’d just have mental breakdowns instead of actually being able to raise them. But, hey, it wasn’t very likely for me to even have the chance to have kids. First of all, the chemo made me infertile; second of all, I was probably not going to make it until then.

“So, you finished?” Cam asked when he saw me put the pen down.

I nodded and started reading it out loud after he had asked to hear what was written. “So, I’d like to start this off simple. Cam asked me to keep it simple and not to offend any of you here, so I’ll try my best to hold back. I can’t promise anything of course, because the person who will be offended the most is Cameron himself. Seriously, if I need to blackmail him, I’ve got the right material to do so. There are way too many embarrassing stories. Like the one when you forced me to cover for you when you went drinking out with your friends, but you came stumbling in, completely wasted, just as I was making up an excuse. Right, Cam? We got grounded for an entire month because of that. You didn’t even bother to tell them that you forced me to do it! I guess they’ll never know… or maybe they do now. Ha, too bad for you, because you promised to read this out. Hmm, what else should I say? I’m not that great at this. You’ve always been the one who was able to do something creative right on the spot, you’re to one who’s writing lyrics and songs in a band. Who cares that I can play sports well? You’re talent is way awesomer (yes, I know that isn’t a word, deal with it). Anyway, I hope nobody is too upset about this, because, frankly you shouldn’t be. Just think about it this way, I probably was in agony the last moments before I died. At least I don’t have to deal with that pain anymore. Really, please don’t be upset. Just remember all the memories, whether I was able to remember them or not. Each and every one of you probably have at least one memory only you can remember, just simply because there was nobody else around. Just remember that, and you’ll be fine. It doesn’t matter how obscure it may be. For example, I’ll always remember the time that I had a half day off and I had to pick up Cam from school because he shat himself before he could reach the toilet. It was really a great sight seeing my great confident brother shuffle around awkwardly to my car and make me go inside to get all the stuff he left in class. Let’s just say some people recognized me later when I was his hot date to prom. You all have one of those moments.

So, Cam told me I had to chose a song. I really don’t know what to choose. Part of me wants to choose the most inappropriate song for this moment ever, but part of me knows that’s a stupid idea. So, yeah, just deal with whatever my final choice was.” I looked up at Cam with an innocent, but evil smile, “and then that’s when you have to play the song I chose.”

“Are you really going to make me say all that! You promised me nobody would ever know about that!” He whined in response.

“Yes,” I nodded, my smirk still not fading, “I’ll be dead, so you can deal with some embarrassment.”

“Ok, ok, fine,” he groaned, “now I just regret not doing that to you in my speech. But there’s no way I’m going to rewrite this whole thing.”

“Well, what are you going to make me say?” I asked him.

“I’m not telling you. You have to live longer than me to find out.”

“But that’s unfair!”

“Deal with it.” He stuck his tongue out at me.