Hospital Beds and Memories

It was weird really. One moment I was still watching Jack run around on stage acting like his hyper self, the next I couldn’t wake up anymore. When I let myself slip away and fall back, I knew that I wouldn’t be able to go back. It was a one way trip, no return. I was going to be gone and nobody would be able to stop me, no matter how hard they tried. It was my time to leave. The pain was overbearing and the fatigue was consuming. I wanted to, it was my decision. I was fully prepared for the end.

But what I didn’t know was that I was going to be stuck.

Yes, that’s right, I was stuck.

Once again, I hadn’t managed to slip away completely. I was stuck in that limbo of imaginations again. Only, this time I wasn’t all too happy about it. Normally, I would be happy to know that there was still a chance, that I was still alive and that there was a possibility that I would be able to keep on living my life. I’d do anything just to open my eyes again and to see everything I loved. I was my motivation. But I didn’t want to anymore. I was perfectly content leaving everything behind. Even Jack.

I know, I was selfish for doing this to myself, for shutting my body off. My parents would be hurting knowing they didn’t get to see me one more time since I left the hospital, Cam would be mad that he chose going back to LA because of his job, the crew members wouldn’t know what to do with a dead body, Alex would choose to stop the show again, countless of disappointed fans, and Jack. I’d break Jack’s heart. Why? All because I wanted to be out of my misery. But was that really such a bad thing? They say to let go what you love, and that’s what I wanted everybody to do. I had already done it, they could do it too.

But no. My body was still operating; barely, but still breathing.

I didn’t know when I was asleep or when I was ‘awake’ anymore. It all felt the same. I didn’t have any sense of time anymore, and my brain kept placing me in weird scenarios with random scenery. My senses always felt so real. Whenever I was on a beach, I could feel the heat tingling on my skin, beads of sweat forming to cool me down, bright light blinding my eyes as I looked as the white sand or the water reflecting the sun like strips of silver. It all felt so real, and I didn’t know any different. For me, it seemed like my actual life. I didn’t know I was actually in a coma the entire time; I wouldn’t even find out until I woke up or died.

Throughout my dreaming and imagining, I didn’t realise anything what was actually going on around me. I didn’t hear the machines beeping, I didn’t hear people talking to me, trying to tell me to wake up, and I couldn’t feel anybody’s touch. I was in a deep coma, just like after my car crash. It seemed like I was never going to wake up.

But everybody kept hoping, keeping me alive for longer. I was calling myself selfish before, but actually everybody else was as well. They all knew deep down that I would have been so much happier if I had actually left this world, but they kept telling themselves that I was strong and would want to be here for longer. The doctors kept saying that there was a high chance that I would never recover fully, but they had to keep me going as long as they were still being paid by my parents. After everything, they still couldn’t let go of me. Everybody kept thinking that I would be able to make it through, just because I had done it before. But, really, it didn’t just work like that.

Apparently, all the experiences in my dreams were influenced by everything that was being done to me. I would feel cold and shiver while in an icy wasteland when I was actually being taken to the radiation room. The heat and bright sun came from large lights they used when inspecting me. The occasional meadows I was in were actually derived from the flowers being switched out next to my bed. I still experienced the outside world, but in a different way. But I didn’t know this, I barely remembered anything as soon as the scene switched once again.

Jack and my parents had discussed what to do with me after more time passed to when the leaves started falling off the tree’s branches, leaving it bald and cold. While they had been able to keep my heart beating, they hadn’t found a way to cure me yet, so they had to consider all their options. It was difficult, but eventually they all settled on the same option. There was a new type of chemo that went hand in hand with radiation therapy, but it hadn’t been tested thoroughly yet. I then had to get a stem cell transplant that was going to have to help me build up healthy cells again. While the chance was very low of me surviving, if I managed to survive the harsh chemicals and radiation first, they still took it. I didn’t understand why. I would have given up on myself a long time before, just like I had done on that night of the concert.

Life went on while I was frozen in a bed. My dad couldn’t afford to stay home for long, since he didn’t want his company to fail and now had that he also had my treatment to pay for, he needed to make sure everything went smoothly. Mom had opened up her cafe/bakery downtown and was already getting quite a few customers. While she used to spend most of her time at the hospital with me, she now stayed at her shop for longer, busy making cakes and finding people to hire. Cam and his band had released their new album. Around the World and Back, it was called, just like the song I was featured on. They used my vocals from the original version, only improving the instrumentals and some of Cam’s vocals. The original plan was for me to fly out and redo it, but that obviously couldn’t happen. They were somewhere in Europe now, showing off their music to all the kids there. All this was happening, and All Time Low had planned to go on tour again, but Jack absolutely refused to leave. He was there with me the entire time.

I never heard when he would silently cry next to my bed, begging for me to wake up at least once a day. The normal happy, hyper, and childish Jack didn’t exist anymore. He had to deal with more serious matters than most people his age had to. I was the reason for his heart break, but nothing in real life or in my imagination managed to warn me about his despair. I didn’t know how he was doing at all.

But something changed this one particular day. The normal static noise wasn’t as overpowering anymore, making the mess in my head reduce. I had just left the cold arctic landscape again, but I could still feel the frostbite in my fingers and toes. Normally the feeling would suddenly disappear in no time, but something was different. There was a tingling sensation, like I had just picked up powdery snow in my hands and went back inside, creating pins and needles. However, I hadn’t done that, and it was only on one hand.

I wanted to find out what it was -- no, I needed to find out. It continued to stay while I went back to the calm dark forest, which actually meant that the lights in the room were turned off. As I sat on the tree I always relaxed and slept on, I stared at my left hand, trying to figure out what was wrong with me. Of course I immediately thought the worst. I could have damaged a nerve, somehow the cancer could have affected my hand in this way, or maybe it was just simply dying and going to fall off.

But then a loud sob echoed through the tall trees, coming somewhere from far away. My concern immediately switched to the person crying and I jumped off my branch and let my bare feet fall onto the floor made of crushed dry leaves, twigs, and moss. A ground that would have normally hurt, felt like feathers to me. But the peculiarity didn’t even seem to faze me. I just searched around for the voice as the crying continued. My fingertips brushed past the bark of the ancient trunks, a splinter never daring to pierce through my precious skin. The leaves crunched underneath my feet as the light in the forest kept getting brighter and brighter. Eventually, I had to shield my eyes with the hand uselessly dangling beside me. But I kept going.

And that’s when I suddenly fell. The forest disappeared high above me as everything around we was now that same blinding white. A weight was removed from my chest, finally allowing me to breathe properly and be free. It was finally over. The scenes no longer changed, and I had finally left the horrific and repeating world.

“Isle?”