Hospital Beds and Memories

I turned off the warm running water and got out of the shower, running my hand through the wet hair that was still growing on top of my head. It was still pretty short, but it definitely existed. All it looked like was like I had gotten a pixie cut that was very short, but I actually liked it. I even contemplated about keeping it short after it grew out a bit more, but I still had to see about that. Maybe I could also grow out my hair and then always cut it short again if I felt like it. At least I now knew that both short and long hair did suit me; I didn’t need hair up to my waist to feel pretty.

I took a towel off the heated rack and started drying myself off and running it through my hair a couple of times. Before picking up the hairdryer, I wrapped the towel around my body to keep me warm and to make sure I wasn’t just standing naked in front of the mirror. I wasn’t very comfortable with my body yet. It was still pretty obvious that I was underweight even though I had been trying to gain some weight healthily by occasionally working out and eating more healthy food. However, it was still pretty difficult, at least I already looked much better than when I just came out of the hospital before I passed out at the All Time Low show.

When I was done styling my hair as much as I could, I took the towel off again and put on my underwear. The bra I was wearing was pretty fancy and lacy, and it definitely wasn’t something I’d normally wear. It just happened to be one of the only bras I could actually wear. You see, Jack had managed to ruin the ones I’d normally wear. While I was in the hospital, he was in charge of the laundry. He just didn’t know how to wash bras. So, they went into the washing machine, but also into the dryer. That meant they suddenly shrank to two cup sizes smaller and I couldn’t exactly wear them anymore. It definitely was annoying, but I couldn’t get mad at him. He was trying his best.

I sighed when I put on my underwear, seeing that my legs were getting a lot hairier again. Somehow my body hair was still growing back brown, unlike the hair on my head. At least it was thin and not thick. Normally, I’d just wear some jeans and not bother, but I knew that wasn’t going to work today. I was going to go out shopping with Tay, and that meant trying on all sorts of clothes. There were high chances that my legs were going to be bare at some point and that I was going to wear sleeveless things.

So, I went to my toiletry bag and took out the small bottle of shaving cream I had brought and the untouched new razor I had packed just in case. I filled the sink with some lukewarm water, not feeling like getting back into the shower, and started off with my armpits. I actually managed to do it without accidentally cutting myself, which I thought was pretty impressive because I had literally gone months without touching a razor. And then came the legs. I first washed off the razor again in the sink before lathering my legs in the cream, making them completely white. I put my foot up on the toilet seat and slowly began around my ankle.

However, just as I was almost halfway, the door opened and Jack froze as he saw me. I stared back at him, seeing he had a lollipop in his mouth, making me wonder where he got it and why he hadn’t offered one to me.

“What’s up?” I asked, cleaning my razor in the water that was slowly turning cold.

“What you doing?” He awkwardly asked, the lollipop in his mouth moving, as he continued to stare at me.

“Shaving my legs,” I chuckled as I continued, “what does it look like I’m doing?”

“Is that my razor?” He pointed at the tool I was holding in my right hand and gliding across my skin.

I frowned until I realized an identical razor was lying down on the counter close to the wall, “no, this one’s mine. Yours is over there. We’ve got the same one. I just feel like men’s razors work better for me. Ain’t no pretty colors gonna fool me!”

Jack nodded and I continued doing the tedious task. It really was something unnecessary, but I just felt better this way. However, Jack continued to watch me as I slowly shaved off more hair, not looking like he was going to budge soon.

I turned to him, raising an eyebrow. “Did you need something or are you here to watch me?”

“I was going to take a leak…” He motioned towards the toilet, which I was using to raise my leg a little.

“You could have just asked me to move for a bit,” I laughed and moved out of the way, putting my foot up on the small ledge left over from a shelf in the counter which contained extra towels.

“Indeed, I could have,” he smiled along and entered the bathroom, closing the door behind himself.

I focused entirely on my legs while he was doing his business. It wasn't weird for both of us to be doing different things in the bathroom at the same time. I had already determined that some things went too far a couple of times, only for them to happen anyway and neither of us caring. So, basically, Jack and I were way too comfortable around each other. Like way too comfortable. The only things that had never happened were him being there when I switched out a tampon or pad, and I had never been in the bathroom while he was ‘having his alone time’, which basically meant he was jerking off. It just wasn’t something I really wanted to brush my teeth next to, nor did I want Jack around to see all the blood. He wouldn’t have minded, but I definitely did.

He flushed the toilet and put both the seat and lid down. Before walking out of the bathroom, he kissed my neck, making me flinch and nearly nick myself. I was too focused to even realize he was done. At least there wasn’t any blood yet.

“You look very sexy in that bra,” he whispered in my ear, pulling my bra strap back and letting it snap against my skin.

“I would have worn it for a special occasion, but it’s one of the only two bras that still fit me.” I teased him, knowing he still felt really guilty about it, especially since most of them very pretty new.

“I’m sorry about that,” he pouted, looking at me through the mirror and placing a kiss on my shoulder, “what if I transfer some money, like fifty dollars, to your account so you can buy something new?”

I smiled, loving him for thinking of doing something like that, even though it really wasn’t necessary. I still decided to play along with it. “That might get me one decent bra.”

“One?!” Jack’s eyes nearly popped out. “Shit. Those fuckers are expensive! Girls really throw those on stage?”

“Well, you can get some cheaper ones at target and other stores, so I’m assuming many fans of yours buy those. Of course, there are always some that go all out. I’m just unlucky that they rarely have my size, so I have to spend a lot more.”

“Well, I guess I’m transferring more money then…” He muttered, shaking his head in disbelief.

“You don’t actually have to--”

“Fuck, am I happy to be a guy in this fucking patriarchal society!” He exclaimed while he left the bathroom, ignoring my comment about him not having to give me any money.

----

I was sitting in the small living room when there was a knock on the door. I got up, knowing that it was Tay since she had texted me asking which room she had to go to. She hugged me when I opened the door for her, telling me how is was so good to see me again. I let her inside, telling her I just needed to put my shoes on and get my bag.

“Tay!” Jack greeted happily when he looked up from the kitchen and saw her standing in the small apartment.

“Jacko!” She grinned back, running up to him to envelop him in a hug as well.

“Well, well, well,” Alex appeared from his bedroom to see what all the noise was about, “if it isn’t Tay Jardine.”

She hugged him as well, surprising me that there was no visible awkwardness between them. “God, it’s so good to see you guys again.”

“What brings you to LA?” Alex asked, oblivious to the fact that this was the Tay iImeant when I was talking about my brother’s girlfriend. I thought he had already made that connection a long time ago.

“Ireland’s brother,” she answered easily, not registering that he didn’t know, “many people give me shit for having a long distance relationship with a guy that’s younger than me, but I don’t see anything wrong with it.”

“Wait, you’re the Tay Ireland always talks about?” He put it all together, and nodded, smiling at her, “I met him once when Ireland was still-- hang on a second, was this why he was so awkward?”

I shook my head, interrupting a little, “no, that was an actual ‘holy shit, it’s Alex Gaskarth’. He had your Party Scene album, actually, so you can say he's a pretty big fan.”

“Oh, that’s awesome!”

“I surprised he didn’t keep telling you about it.” I rolled my eyes, knowing that he made sure Jack knew a couple of times. Maybe he really was too starstruck to hold a normal conversation.

“As much as I would like to hang out here forever,” Tay looked at her watch, “I actually planned out a day. But I’ll see you guys again tomorrow.”

“Tomorrow?” Alex asked.

“Jack and I are going over to Cam’s place because he wants me to sing for a cover they are doing. You’re also invited.” I clarified. “There will definitely be alcohol involved, so expect to pass out there if you do.”

“I don’t have anything better to do,” he shrugged, not even thinking about if he had any time.

“Great, I’ll make sure to tell Cam,” Tay replied as we all started walking towards the door.

I unlocked it opened it, officially ending our conversation.

“Bye.” Jack quickly pecked me on the lips before letting me go off with Tay.

When Tay said she had a day planned out, she really did. This wasn’t her first time in LA, and it was quite obvious. She knew exactly which stores to go to and which ones to skip. Most of the ones she liked were more on the alternative side, but to be honest I didn’t really mind. Somehow Cam had managed to get me to like the clothes he had gotten me a while ago, and I really liked the style. Maybe hanging out around Jack 24/7 had also contributed to it. I didn’t mind not looking like the good shy girl all the time. Of course, I wasn’t the punk rock girl, but then again Tay was also slightly changing with her new music. We were quite alike.

I already had a couple of bags from several different stores and was so grateful that my parents had given me money to start up again. If it weren’t for them, I would have still been broke. Now I was also working, so that also helped a little, but I was still trying to find something like I had done before. Maybe I could go back to giving dance classes, or maybe I could get a job as a photographer. I still had to see what exactly I wanted to do with my life, I wasn’t really planning on being the perfect housewife, counting down the days until Jack came back home.

We walked past a Victoria’s Secret and Tay slowed down and looked inside. “Are you comfortable enough around me to help me buy underwear?”

I shrugged, not seeing a problem with it. “Only if you’re comfortable enough around me.”

She smirked and pulled me inside, looking around the store to see where to start. One thing was sure, all stores in LA were larger than the ones back home, or at least larger than the stores I went to. There were colorful bras and panties all over the place, mannequins showing off whatever what was placed on a table.

“I need to find something Cam would like…” She thought out loud, still not knowing which corner to look at first. “What do you need?”

“I’m just going to ignore that you want to impress my brother and help you find something that’ just looks sexy on you,” I scrunched up my nose in disgust, not wanting to think about Cam’s sex life, “all I need is just something for every day.”

“Nothing for Jack?” she wiggled her eyebrows and started dragging me to the bras that looked pretty basic, exactly like the ones I used to have.

“Well, he is the one that ruined all my other ones,” I giggled before realizing what it sounded like, “wait, that sounds weird. I’m currently wearing something I’d only wear for special occasions. Jack was on laundry duty while I was at the hospital, but that basically meant making them shrink to the size I had when I was fifteen.”

“Oh, that really isn’t good,” she shook her head and made us stop in front of a wall.

“Yeah, but he offered to pay for new ones, so it’s ok.”

“Now you have to get something he’ll love. He’s basically saying he wants you to buy sexy stuff,” she informed me. “How about you get some basic stuff and one thing for him to surprise him.”

“Sounds good to me,” I told her while I started to look for something I liked. The only problem was that my size was so difficult to find. Seriously, I had considered a breast reduction in the past just so that I could find cute bras that actually fit me. I was just tired of not being able to wear what I wanted to.

“Ok, so what’s your size, if you don’t mind me asking?” Tay then ironically asked me.

“No I don’t,” I sighed nonetheless, “34D, but I’m pretty sure I’m a 32DD now, but that’s only because I’ve lost so much weight. I’m trying to gain some again, and don’t feel like having to buy new bras in a couple of weeks time again, so I’m just going for my old size. I’d just be really grateful if there was anything in my size.”

“I’m pretty sure we’ll find something.”

And so, we started looking for anything that was in my size. As I had expected, it was pretty difficult. I was just happy that Tay was there with me to cut the time spent looking around in half. All I wanted was something I could wear underneath a t-shirt on a normal day, but bra companies didn’t seem like they wanted to allow me that privilege. Luckily, Tay and I had managed to find three bras that fit when I tried them on. An accomplishment, if you asked me.

But then came the one bra she convinced me to buy for Jack. I knew Jack liked me the most without any clothes on whatsoever, so it didn’t make much sense to me, but then again it would be fun to tease him while I was still here. However, as Tay and I stood there surrounded by all the lacy underwear, we both weren’t sure what to do.

“So…” Tay whistled, overwhelmed by all the options and what they looked like, “have you ever done this before?”

“No,” I shook my head, just as astound as her, “I’ve never had a reason to buy underwear for any other reason than comfort before…”

“Well, then, I guess this is both our first time doing this. I don’t even know where to start or what to look for.”

“Should we just leave it be then?”

“I promised Cameron though,” she contradicted even though she looked like she wanted to leave as much as I did.

I nodded, still not wanting to think about him while I was at a place like this. “We don’t have to wear stuff like this to, umm, pleasure--”

“Hi, can I help you girls?” A store employee showed up beside us, nearly scaring the living bejeezus out of me.

Tay and I both pointed at each other, not sure what to say. There was something awkward about buying lingerie and somebody coming up to ask if they could help. I didn’t want some stranger knowing what was going on in my sex life. Maybe she was going to think I was somebody who loved kinky sex, while all I knew was missionary and girl on top. Like, come on! Don’t make sex more awkward for me that it already was.

“We have many people coming in to find lingerie for a threesome, don’t worry.” The store employee smiled, trying to make us feel more comfortable.

My eyes went wide as I frantically shook my head, “no, she’s dating my twin brother! That’s never going to happen!”

“Oh my god, I am so sorry,” she apologized profusely.

“Umm, we were both just trying to find something to wear for, umm, our boyfriends, but we both really don’t know what to look at,” Tay explained, hoping that nothing she said sounded weird.

“Well, I wouldn’t go too far out, since you’ve never done anything like this before. Like, you don’t want to go out of your comfort zone. So, don’t worry about all the things that barely have any fabric. It might be nice to go for something with more straps or strings, or maybe a color that goes really well with your skin tone, eyes, or hair. Guys always like lace, though.” The employee tried helping us, showing us towards a more modest selection of bras and panties.

I immediately felt a lot less intimidated with there no longer being g-strings and bras that were nearly completely see-through. Tay and I both got some more detailed advice and the employee gave us something she thought would suit us. I would lie if Tay didn’t look very hot in what she tried on. I could totally understand why Cam had asked her to do this. No, I wasn’t sexually attracted to my brother’s girlfriend, but I got why he was.

I tried on a bra made out of black lace fabric, extra straps going over the top of my breasts and underneath trailing over my ribcage. There was a matching thong with it that I wouldn’t mind wearing if it wasn’t for more than a couple of hours. I just didn’t know if it was good enough to show Jack.

“Pst,” I tried to get Tay to come over to me from where she was sitting, “Tay!”

“What?” She came rushing discreetly over to me.

I opened the curtain slightly so that she was the only one that could see me, “is this--”

“Holy shit,” she gasped, looking me up and down, “Jack is not going to know what came over him.”

“You really think so?”

“Duh, you look fucking sexy in that!”

I couldn’t help but grin, “ok then. It’s also in white, but I feel like that’s more something for underneath a wedding dress.”

“If I ever get married, please remind me that this set exists because I will be getting it.”

And that was the first step to a very good friendship with Tay.