Hospital Beds and Memories

It was just a normal cold third of January. Nothing much had changed since New Years. I felt a little better, the nausea having gone down only a small tad, but I did only throw up when everything started spinning too much. It had, however already been a day since it last happened, so I was starting to think it was going to end soon. Jack had already told me that if it was going to come back, that we’d have to go to a doctor. He was so concerned about it, but I always tried to keep him level headed. Occasionally his thoughts would travel too far down the ‘what if’ line, causing him to blow it out of proportion.

Zack had flown over to spend time with his family, however today he was going to have dinner at our place. Alex and Lisa were coming over as well, so we were having a small informal dinner party. They weren’t expecting anything special, so all I made was some lasagna and a cheesecake, which my mom had taught me how to bake back at the cafe. We also invited Cam and Tay over, however, Cam had already planned a dinner date for them the next day, and he didn’t want to overdo it. I knew exactly what he wanted to do, and he was going to come over very quickly to pick up the ring. We were going to do it discreetly and act like he was just coming over to get something I had that my mom wanted. All I really had was a shoebox with a plastic bag around it, and the ring was placed in the box. I really was the only one who knew about his proposal.

Everything else was going perfectly and smoothly. My dad was going to go on a business trip again soon, I was slowly starting to climb up the hierarchy at the cafe, Jack and I were doing fine and didn’t have any further possible pregnancy scares, and I had gotten offered another part time job at a gym as a personal trainer (even though I first needed to get into shape myself). To me, it really did seem like this year was already going to be so much better than the last.

“Oh my god, it smells so good in here!” Jack groaned out in longing as he entered the kitchen where I had been cooking. The lasagna only needed to be in the oven for five more minutes, and it would be done.

“Well, it better, or else we would have a problem right now.” I chuckled while I was still busy cleaning up the mess I had made. The bowl I had made the sauce in didn’t fit in the dishwasher, so I had to clean it by hand, and I needed to brush away the grated cheese I accidentally had missed the lasagna with.

Jack came up behind me and opened the cupboard right above my head, taking out five wine glasses, and putting them on the counter beside us. However, he didn’t move away after that. He actually took a step closer, his breath tickling my neck. Before I could ask what he was doing, he made a bottle of wine appear in front of me.

“Do you want some of it as well?” He whispered seductively into my ear.

I giggled as a shiver ran down my spine. “I don’t know anything about wine.”

“Me neither, but it was moderately expensive, so…”

“If you put it that way.” I acted as if I was thinking hard about it and slowly turned until I was facing him.

He put the bottle down on the counter as well and looked down at me. “Am I impressing the beautiful lady?”

I bit my lip and nodded, playing along with whatever he was doing. He smirked back and captured my lips with his. While we would usually stop at some point whenever we had guests over, something made us keep going this time. It quickly got quite heated, but we left it at kissing, no touching and groping. Somehow after New Years, I fell in love with Jack a lot more than I already was. I just realized how lucky I was to have him and that I shouldn’t take any of our moments for granted. It was like we were back in the honeymoon phase, which we had never fully left but were very close to doing.

“Okay, can you guys leave the kitchen sex for when you don’t have guests over?” Zack broke us apart after he happened to walk in on us while wanting to help Jack out with the drinks.

Jack took a step away from me and tried to pick up as many glasses as possible in one hand. “It wasn’t nearly that bad.”

“It was bad enough for us three, your guests, to be worried that you guys somehow disappeared.” Zack rushed over to take three glasses from Jack before everything would fall to the floor and shatter.

It was actually a very good idea that Zack came to help, or else we would not have had any wine glasses left over. Somehow he had perfect timing, because not soon after, the oven timer went off, making Jack jump and scream out loudly. “God fucking shit! That fucking timer scares the shit out of me every time! Fuck that loud high-pitched repetitive alarm!”

“It’s just an innocent beep…” I laughed, seeing that Zack was only shocked by Jack’s reaction and not the electronic sound.

“It’s not a fucking innocent beep! It’s the fucking devil’s alarm clock!” Jack yelled and threw a towel at it.

“Next thing you know, he’s going to rip the thing out of the kitchen,” Zack shook his head at Jack’s weird behavior.

It actually seemed like Jack was considering it, but I quickly interjected and turned the timer off. “Or you can just press the button, and it stops.”

“Fucking hate that thing,” he grumbled underneath his breath and went to put down the glasses and bottle of wine on the dining table.

It didn’t take much longer for us to start eating after that. Jack insisted on bringing the hot dish to the table even though it meant he had to get it out of the oven. Apparently, he only made this exception once because he wanted to help me. I could have easily done it myself, but maybe he just did it because he didn’t want it to seem like he hadn’t done anything and then get shit later for it. However, he had done quite a lot already. Taco had managed to knock over the Christmas Tree again a day before, so Jack had the job of cleaning it up all by himself. We just decided to get rid of it.

Everything seemed to be going fine as far as I knew. I was trying to stay part of the conversation and laugh along even though I was preoccupied in the back of my mind. At any moment, Cam could be standing on our doorstep or he could be calling me to tell me he was on his way. We hadn’t decided on a time for him to come over, nor did I tell him he had to call me beforehand. I just knew anything could happen from now on.

Jack was telling a funny story when the weirdest thing happened. I was mid-laugh when this pit-like feeling started in my stomach. At first, I managed to mainly ignore it, but my laughter wasn’t genuine anymore, and eventually it died out completely. All the voices around me became muffled, and I was like I was being suffocated underwater. It wasn’t necessarily drowning rather than something closing up my windpipes and stopping me from hearing anything. The terrified feeling in my gut didn’t help either. Something was horribly wrong.

I wasn’t taken out of my tranced mood and nobody seemed to realize until my fork dropped from my hand and hit the plate with a loud clattering noise. As I jumped a little, everybody turned to look at me, having gotten a fright from the sudden loud sound as well.

“Everything ok?” Jack immediately inquired with worry. He looked ready to jump up and rush over to me if needed, prepared to save the day yet once again.

All I could do was shake my head no, but I myself didn’t know why. Everything felt the opposite of ok. Ask me what was wrong, and I wouldn’t know. I just knew that something was off.

Jack’s next question was one that would have sounded weird if he had been talking to anybody else, but had been common practice whenever it was about me. “Are you going to pass out?”

But I shook my head. It wasn’t that either. Yes, I had some trouble breathing and I had no idea what was going on around me, but it felt different to when I got signs that I was going to have a seizure. This wasn’t as overwhelming and pressuring as my seizures, this just felt empty.

“No, I think I’ll be fine… It’s probably just low blood sugar or something.” I forced a smile and shrugged it off, but honestly it was just an excuse. I didn’t believe that that was what caused me to feel like this.

“Are you sure?”

I hummed in response and nodded, taking a bite of my lasagna that hadn’t been half eaten yet. Maybe the fact that I hadn’t eaten so much yet made my lame excuse seem a bit more realistic. It could hit anybody at any time, I was no exception to that.

Everybody seemed to leave it be after that. They all accepted my lie as the truth, but I still noticed Jack giving me occasional extra glances to make sure I really was ok. Whenever I directly caught him and didn’t just see it out of the corner of my eye, I’d either give him an eye roll or a small gesture to let him know that he shouldn’t be so concerned about things.

But when my phone started ringing, I nearly rushed out of my chair to answer. I knew it was probably going to be Cameron, and I was so excited to answer the phone to know he was going to come pick up the ring soon. However, my enthusiasm didn’t seem to make the sickening feeling go away. It actually seemed to make it worse.

Wriggling my phone out of my pocket, I came to see that it actually wasn’t Cam calling me, but my mom. Usually, I’d decline it and send her a quick text telling her I’d call back later; I didn’t want to be rude and just walk away during a dinner I was hosting. But something told me I had to answer it.

“It’s my mom,” I stated out loud, but mostly towards Jack who seemed most interested in who would be trying to contact me at this hour.

“Answer it.” He shrugged in response and stuffed some more food into his mouth.

I nodded as a thank and got up, quickly speedwalking into the hallway. Pressing the answer button, I brought the phone to my ear, expecting this to be some quick conversation or at least one I could stop early because there were guests over.

“Hello?” I said in a perky manner, the way I always answered the phone whenever my mom called.

But instead of a normal response back, there was loud sobbing on the other end. My heart dropped as I could hear my mom weeping and blubbering. It wasn’t just some normal crying people did when they felt sad, this was a full-on breakdown. I could hear she was barely breathing, her inhales sharp and interrupted by cries. Whenever she’d try to talk, it would only come out as another howl.

“What’s wrong?” I quickly asked in panic, hoping nothing was wrong with her.

When she finally got out the words, my world ended. I went into survival mode, forgetting about the friends that were over, and ran out of the house as fast as I could. There were faint shouts of people when I sprinted past the dining table, but I couldn’t make out what they was saying. I didn’t bother grabbing a jacket or slamming the door closed as hard as I had opened it. The early-January cold didn’t do anything to me, even though I was just in a t-shirt, jeans, and simple vans.

I knew exactly where I was going, it wasn’t all too far from here. What would have normally taken half an hour to walk, I did in about ten minutes. My lungs were begging to collapse in on themselves, the pain unbearing and the taste of blood permanently in my mouth. But it didn’t matter, there was somewhere I had to be, and if it wasn’t soon, it was going to be too late. I couldn’t be too late.

There was already a crowd forming where I needed to be. My heart was racing when I saw the fire truck and ambulance already there. But my parents were nowhere to be seen. I knew my mom had called me from the car, so she had to be here somewhere.

I came closer and closer, pushing past all the people until I was right at the front to see the scene. The blue car was flipped on it’s back, all the windows shattered, the airbags deployed, skid marks on the road, the metal deformed to look like some failed modern artwork. There were firefighters all around the wreck, prodding and pulling at the metal that had still been ablaze just a minute before.

“Cam!” I screamed and ran forward towards the wreck. But before I got there, an arm was held out to stop me.

“Ma’am, you’re going to have to stay back for your own safety,” a police officer in full gear told me, retracting his arm slowly and trying to guide me back to the front row.

“That’s my brother, you fuck!” I shouted and tried pushing past him.

However, he managed to stop me again. “I understand, but you’re going to have to stay back so the medics can get to him easily.”

“Are you sure you understand? Has your twin brother ever died in a car crash?” I asked him in a bitchy tone, to which he stayed silent for a while. “That’s what I thought!”

“You can stay here, but not go any closer.” He instructed when he realized I wasn’t just some crazy person trying to get a closer look, but actually related to whomever was trapped in the car.

I was left to watch from a distance as they tried to get Cam out of the car. Many men were trying to cut the metal, bend it, and reach in to be able to drag him out. However, instead of Cam ever appearing, they were only shouting at each other to try and do it in the most effective and safe way. I couldn’t even see my brother in there, but he had to be if they hadn’t managed to get him out yet.

Suddenly there were two strong hands on my shoulders. A strong grip that seemed like it was meant to be comforting, but only making me uncomfortable.

“Don’t touch me!” I yelled in a way that hurt my voice, scurrying out of the touch and hitting the hands away, only to find out that Jack had somehow managed to find me.

Zack, Alex, and Lisa were there as well, looking at everything with shock. But I couldn’t care if they were my friends and boyfriend or just strangers. I didn’t want them touching me, or even be close to me for that matter.

My mom and dad appeared further to the right of the crowd. Dad had an arm holding mom closely to him, but it didn’t quiet down her crying at all. If anything, she was even louder than she had been when she called me. I couldn’t stand it anymore.

I rushed over them and wrapped my arms around my mom as well. I couldn’t cry.

The last thing I saw was the firefighters pulling out a body with deep wounds, blood running down a pale face, and limbs pointing in awkward angles. I couldn’t watch anymore.

----

I was sat in the hospital waiting room with my mom and dad. To be honest, I didn’t know why I was there anymore. It was a different hospital than the one I always had to go to, but I didn’t have the willpower to take in my new surrounding and the people walking in and out of the entrance. The best way to describe me was numb. Just simply numb.

By now, I had been sitting in the same plastic chair for way too long. I had my legs pulled up to my chest, my parents a couple of chairs down from me. All I wanted was to be alone. Nothing felt like reality, but the dryness in my eyes showed me how real it all was. Crying in a dream wouldn’t make me feel like I had actually done so for an hour straight.

My mom had stopped crying just as I had started. She was still occasionally whimpering and wiping her eyes. My dad only shed a couple of tears, trying to be the strong one for us all, but I could tell he was hiding just as much as mom had shown. It wasn’t every day that a family member was involved in such a large crash, but they had experienced it twice now.

I stared at the entrance sliding doors, waiting for a miracle to happen. There wasn’t anything for me to do here since we had arrived. I was left with my own thoughts, which was the most frightful thing I had experienced in a while.

Eventually, Jack entered, the others right behind him. He looked around frantically, ready to go up to the reception desk to ask about my whereabouts, but I already stood up and made my way to him. We made brief eye contact, causing me to run the last couple of steps and hugged him tightly so I was buried in his chest.

This was all I needed: just to be held, nothing more, nothing less. I didn’t need another person trying to talk to me. All I wanted was a silent hug, letting me know I wasn’t alone.

But then Jack uttered out the same dreadful words everybody had been saying. “Everything’s going to be ok.”

I immediately broke away from him as well, fed up with hearing the same words over and over again. Who was anybody to tell me that everything was going to be ok? They didn’t know.

“I brought you a jacket in case you were cold…” Jack held it out over his arm.

I took it from him and put it on even though I didn’t feel anything at all. I had gone into autopilot, causing me to do things without thinking. It was like I was a walking zombie. I even pushed past everybody, walking outside to go back home.

“And I also have an apple for you, since you haven’t eaten much yet.” He added, trying to catch up with my fast walking that seemed like I had a destination without actually having one.

I took the apple from his hand and took out one bite before throwing it into the trashcan just outside the sliding doors. All I wanted was to crawl in bed and fall asleep. I didn’t care if I woke up or not. It didn’t matter anyway.

“Isle?” Jack continued to try and keep walking at my pace, while I realized everybody else decided to fall behind. “Don’t you want to let your parents know you’re leaving?”

I shrugged in response and walked through the parking lot. Somewhere, Jack had parked his car, but I had no idea where. Just like I said before, I didn’t know where I was going, but I was walking and leaving the place.

“Cam’s a strong guy, he can fight this,” he continued to try and get me to show I was actually paying attention and not just walking around while zoned out. But he wasn’t going to have any luck. “Remember, you also survived a horrible crash. He’s your twin brother, he’s just as strong as you are. I know it seems like he has no chance, but he might. I promise you everything will be ok.”

“You can’t promise that.” I croaked back, my voice barely loud enough for either of us to hear.

“Ok, fair point. Maybe I can’t promise, but I can still hope. That’s how you survived both the car crash and the cancer. Everybody hoped you would get better and didn’t give up on you. Without that tiny bit of hope, you wouldn’t be here anymore. Don’t just give up on hope. You’re living proof that it’s important.”

“There is no hope.”

“Isle…” He sighed and placed a hand on my elbow to guide me through the parking lot, “the car’s this way…”

“I am not getting in a car!” I stressed, pulling my arm back and continuing down the path I had created for myself.

“Isle, come on, please--”

And that was when I had enough. “Fuck, Jack, don’t you get it? He’s dead! He’s gone! He’s not coming back!”