This Violent Heart

The crowd had been amazing that night and the energy felt in that stadium was insane, but despite my most memorable show to date, all I wanted to do was go back home. I had spent the past year and a half on tour with One Direction as their Opener, but since that finally came to a close two weeks ago, I’ve been travelling the mid-west doing my own shows. I’m exhausted in every way imaginable – mentally, emotionally, physically.

Tomorrow I’d have to meet with my manager and publicist to tell them the news. I’m done. At least for now.

“What? Payton that’s crazy talk! You have finally made a name for yourself and who knows if fans will stick around for you to ‘align your chakras’.” She was pissed. Beyond pissed, even. Livid. The three of us had decided to meet at my hotel in one of the conference rooms downstairs. It was a bland environment, but private nonetheless which was hard to come by these days.

“Okay Shelly, first off, that’s not what I said. I just said that I’d like to take time off to figure out what to do next.” I rolled my chair over to the window and peeked through the blinds at the busy Sacramento street. “I need to rediscover myself.”

“What you’re going to do next is get in that recording studio and make an album while you’re still relevant!”

“What makes me relevant!” I snapped, turning and slamming my fists on the table. “Why is my name in everyone’s mouth? Is it my music or the fact that I just got dumped by Harry fucking Styles!” Breathing heavily, I turned and faced the window once more.

The room got quiet then. Shelly my manager, who had been pacing back and forth, took a deep breath and finally sat down by my publicist who had been sitting across the table quietly since the topic had been brought up. “No,” Shelly sighed. “I mean, it’s part of it, but not entirely. You’ve had a wonderful fanbase since before you even met those boys. Things are just picking up faster now. You’re trending on Twitter. You’re the 12th most followed female artist on Instagram which is actually pretty great considering you’re still new to the industry.”

“Shelly.. I know that we have worked our asses off to get here. And I could not be more grateful.” I slowly spun around once more to face my main supporters, my biggest fans. “But my break-up with Harry has left me shattered inside. I have no self-esteem. My spirit is broken. My last bit of inspiration went into my Ugly Heart song that I performed last night.” Tears were welling in my eyes but I tried my best to choke them down. “I have nothing to offer my fans right now and I don’t know that I ever will until I’m okay again.”

My publicist finally spoke up. “Shelly, I think you should tell-“

“Anne!” Shelly began massaging her temple in an exasperated manner.

“As her publicist, I think we should inform her.” Anne shot back. “You tell her now or she’ll find out tomorrow when the November edition of nearly every music magazine drops.”

“What? What are the two of you not telling me!” My glare shifted between the two as they both stared at each other in silence. My face began to burn as a fire grew in the pit of my stomach. After everything I’d been through over the last month, now was not the time to keep secrets, especially from the two women I trusted the most.

Finally, the silence broke as Shelly let out a defeated sigh and met my eyes for only a second before staring at her hands resting on the table. “In my defense, I hadn’t anticipated your breakup.”

My stomach dropped. “Shelly.. don’t tell me I have to work with him again..”

“No!” She exclaimed. “I would never ask you to do that!”

"Then what exactly are you asking me to do?"

“Go on tour with their old openers.. 5 Seconds of Summer."