Broken Down

Kenneth thinks about what changed between two of his band mates that used to be such good friends.

He remembers joining Panic! after Spencer left the band. It was only Brendon and Dallon left back then. It's noteworthy to address that the said men were almost attached in each other's hip. There was probably never a time Brendon isn't with Dallon.

Brendon had a lot of good things to say about the taller man. "He's really talented.", "I don't think I can find any bass player that could ever replace him.". It was all good things.

But recently, he noticed that something shifted between the two. He rarely sees them together now, and Brendon would always ask him first to hang out and not Dallon.

Kenneth wonders if it was because of Dallon's demotion to touring member. It doesn't seem to be it, but then again, who knows what goes through Dallon's head? Did he take the demotion badly that he was angry at Brendon?

"Well, I'm surprised he even has fans."

Brendon jokes as a fan fawns over Dallon's works during The Brobecks.

Dallon just laughs at it as if it was nothing.

But in Kenneth's eyes, he can see the hurt in the taller man's eyes each time the vocalist does it in every meet and greet.

Dallon doesn't seem to be the type of person to hold grudges, but he realizes that the taller man tends to hold insults inside himself and pretend that it's nothing. He hides in a laidback facade as if these words don't hurt him. It does hurt, with a sign of resignation in his features that he accepts as an undeniable fact.

He's used to it.

Just the thought pains him to know that the bassist hold such depreciation to himself.

He couldn't help himself, as he puts a hand in Dallon's shoulder that made the taller man jump in surprise.

"You okay, Dal?" He whispers to the bassist while Brendon and Dan are talking to the next fan from the meet and greet queue.

Dallon gives him a smile. A tired smile, he notes. He wonders when has it been since he saw a genuine smile on the brunette's lips.

"I'm fine." He mumbles, then turns his head to grin at the fan acknowledging him.

It's so easy to mask yourself in to this image where you have to make people believe you're not on the verge of breaking down. Fake smiles are the greatest armor, forced laughs are your strongest shield.

But who exactly is the enemy?

From what Kenneth sees, Dallon's greatest enemy is himself.

It's sad to see how Dallon never seems to win each time.

*****

"Don't you think you're being too harsh on Dallon?"

Over a drink of whiskey inside the cacophonous noise of the hotel club, he asked the question that he didn't think he'd ask to the younger man.

It's probably the bit of alcohol in his system, or perhaps it's remembering the bassist's forced replies of assurance that fuels the question.

"What makes you say that?" Brendon responds. He drank more than he's suppose to, and Zack might not like that when they get back.

He responds with a shrug, taking a sip of his drink before answering. "I'm surprised he has fans?' Well, maybe you're just joking but what you said to that fan earlier about Dallon was pretty harsh. You always do that during meet and greets. What's up with that?"

"If it was that harsh then why doesn't he fight back then and tell me wrong?" He retorts, sounding annoyed as he chugs his glass of beer. "All he's ever good at is ranting at Twitter about some lame shit."

"You'll fire him if he does." Even I wouldn't dare if I want to. Kenny thought.

"Damn right I could. But I'm not petty. It won't make me fire him." Brendon admits, sounding pretty somber for someone who drank almost 5 glasses now.

"Do you hate him?" He dared to ask. If being inebriated can make the vocalist answer him truthfully, then he'll take what he can get.

Kenneth thought the younger man didn't hear his question, since both of them are drowned by the loud music and chatter of the people around them.

But as he watches the younger man muse about the question, his body deflating as if he had a realization of something, his eyes gazing the remaining beer inside his glass, he responds almost inaudibly.

"No. I don't hate him. I never could."

He wanted to ask more about it. If you don't hate him, why do you hurt him? He asked himself. But it seems he didn't have to, as Brendon continues.

"He can't know. He can't know." Brendon mumbles to himself on repeat, tugging his hair harshly as if he doesn't know what to do. His intoxicated state is starting to have effect on his words and actions now.

"Can't know what?" He questions, but Brendon seems too out of it to answer coherently.

Kenneth hears the words "...love him", "he can't know" being muttered by the younger man. He tries to calm the vocalist but his tear stained face stops him from doing so as he repeats the words that he continually mutters to himself as if it would protect him.

Even Brendon has his own facade to shield him from the pain.

"Let's go back, Brendon."

With an arm around his shoulder, he helps Brendon up from his stool and back to their hotel rooms assigned for them.

Carrying such weight isn't a problem. This isn't the first time he's helped carried the singer before. But the muttering from him doesn't seem to stop. He can't know, he can't know, he can't know. It goes on repeat with each step of their feet.

He can't know I love him. Is what it actually means. And somehow, everything makes sense to him.

"D-Don't tell him, Kenny." He slurs, trying his best to keep himself upright, but he still needs someone to guide him.

"You're being unfair to him, Bren."

"H-He's being unfair. He's u-unfair." Brendon hiccups, and Kenny swear he heard him sniffling. "I need to convince myself I hate him. I need to hate him so he can hate me. I hate when he looks at me with his eyes like... like..." The singer rambles, pausing his words for a bit before he continues.

"...like he sees, like he cares. Maybe he knows. It's like he sees right through me. He needs to know I hate him so I can forget. So I can forget."

Kenny tries his best to take note of this confession so that he can understand. "Forget what?"

It was almost another inaudible phrase coming from him. But he still heard the heartbreaking tone of Brendon's confession. "...forget that he can never love me back."

This is Brendon's best line of defense: Push away the people you love to avoid the heartbreak that would follow. Kenny knows about the singer's experience of this from his last band. He doesn't want his heart broken again from something he cannot have. It's unfortunate that Brendon had to experience it in such a bad way.

"Kenny?"

He turns to the sound of the soft spoken voice calling for him. Dallon walks toward them as they reach the elevator. He lets the taller man help him in bring the intoxicated singer back to his room, but it seems Brendon forgot to bring his access card and left it in his room.

"He can sleep in my room." Dallon suggested.

Kenny bites his lips, contemplating if is it really a good idea to have these two together in the same room when they have such a severe strain in their relationship.

As much as he would insist to have the younger man stay in his room, he already shares it with Dan.

"I dun' need your help." Brendon slurs, trying to push away from Dallon's hold, but the taller man doesn't let him go.

Once they reached Dallon's room. They both placed Brendon on his bed as he fell asleep instantly. They took of his shoes and coat to make him at comfortable in his sleep.

"Where are you sleeping?" Kenny asked once he tucks Brendon with a comforter.

"The couch is fine."

He nods, then turns to look back at the sleeping man shifting in his sleep. He feels like he should do something about what he knows right now.

"Are you angry at Brendon? For what he does to you?"

"No." It was an immediate reply. It's the tone of someone who's sure. And maybe, that somewhat brings relief to his chest.

Kenneth turns his heels to face the silent bassist lying on the couch. He has his eyes closed, but judging by how his chest rise and fall, he's still conscious enough to listen to him.

"Even if Brendon doesn't want me in the band anymore, I won't hate him for it. It's his band. I have no say in his choices."

It sounds like a recited speech in his ears, as if he said that a lot of times.

"But he's not gonna make you leave unless you want to." Kenneth says softly as he towers over Dallon's resting form.

"Yeah." He opens his eyes, looking up at Kenny with pain written in his gaze. "Maybe he's waiting for me to snap and leave on my own, huh?"

"That's not what I mean, Dallon."

Kenny holds his stare, looking down at Dallon's gaze. He seems a mixture of emotions within the brunette's eyes: confusion, frustration, sadness.

"I-I don't understand."

"Me either." He didn't exactly lie. He has no idea on what happens next. "You guys are friends, right? Talk to him about it."

"Friends don't degrade their friends. Friends don't humiliate their friends to other people." Dallon says in amusement, but with a hint of bitterness in his voice. It's something that he's probably been keeping inside him for so long. "He's been very gracious enough to let me stay, though. Can't be mad at that."

Dallon sighs, shifting his position to turn away from Kenny. "I don't mind him having me as a verbal punching bag for the rest of my life. Just as long as I can keep my family alive, I stopped being affected, I stopped being hurt."

"I stopped caring." He confesses with a tone of resignation, as his words ring through his ears.

The damage has been too much. It's too much to even be fixed now. And even if Brendon would change his mind and apologize, the wounds produced by his words were too deep to even mend the hurt that both of them feel.

"Good night, Dallon."

"G'night."

*****

"Bye. I love you, Bree."

Kenny hears a click from behind him, but he does look. He just keeps his subtle gaze towards Brendon who's keeping himself busy, even though he can see that the younger man is hearing the conversation with Dallon's wife.

When he caught Brendon's gaze, his eyes speak volume of the words he said during his drunken state: "He can't know."

He shook his head, giving Brendon an assuring smile, even if it makes him feel guilty. Kenneth knows this isn't right.

Silence makes it seem like nothing happened at all. And right now, it seems to be the only solution over something that he can never fix.