Something Reckless

I had spent all day trying to figure out what on Earth I was going to say to Logan when she arrived. I felt nervous, almost nauseous. I had girlfriends instead of just hookups before, but they were in high school and most of them ended within a few months. The butterflies I had with them were nothing compared to the butterflies I got with Logan. Butterflies. I scoffed to myself.

I heard a knock at the door and rushed to answer it before pausing with my hand on the door knob. You got this, Luke. I straightened my shirt, which was just a blue plaid one that probably didn’t require straightening and answered the door. She smiled at me, holding out a bottle of Forty Creek. “Figured we were both whiskey kind of people.” She said, walking into my one-bedroom apartment. I took the bottle from her and placed it on the counter.

“You weren’t wrong.” I said, scratching the back of my head. I hadn’t really had a girl in my place before that required extra effort. I cleaned up most of my apartment, with the exception of a pile of laundry sitting by the machines in the hallway. “Oh, you probably need a tour.” I said, feeling content with this response.

“Are you nervous, Luke?” She asked, her eyebrows raising. I felt my cheeks start to blush and smirked at her.

“Honestly,” I said, sighing. “A little.” She reached over and kissed me on the cheek. I felt tingles everywhere, even where my leg used to be. I used to get phantom limb painfully, but over the months it had mostly faded and I only felt these weird sensations some of the time now.

“Me too.” I pushed some of her hair behind her ear and smiled.

“Good to know.” My stomach was in knots. “So, this over here is the living room. Then you have the kitchen straight across, the bathroom is just down the hall and my room is right across from that.” I guess I didn’t really need to give a tour since my apartment wasn’t that big. She nodded, she always nodded and I didn’t know what that meant half the time.

“It smells good.” She acknowledged, walking over to the kitchen. I laughed because I knew she was about to think I was an incompetent weirdo after my next sentence.

“Yeah, Freddie’s makes great burgers.” She laughed, shaking her head. “I’m sorry, I’m not much of a cook. If I fed you what I can make I don’t think you would live to see another day.” She walked over and wrapped her arms around my waste, surprising me.

“It’s perfect.” She said. I leaned down and kissed her gently on the lips. “Hey now, just because I’m happy doesn’t mean that I am not going to make you cook at some point. I need to see for myself just how bad your cooking is.” I rolled my eyes playfully.

“When I’m no longer trying to impress you, I’ll make you something.” She laughed. She always laughed around me and I couldn’t tell if it was just to make me feel good or not. I liked her laugh even if it sometimes caused me anxiety. I got the food out and we talked as we ate. Mostly about how our days were. She told me about visiting her family and how weird it was that her younger sister had a boyfriend. I didn’t think that was so weird, but I pretended I did. I told her about my sister, my parents, and then finally I got to the part about the family dinner. I could tell she had wanted to ask but was trying to be polite.

“Well basically it ended with my grandfather blowing up at me and telling me to get out of his house.” I explained. She nodded. Again.

“Why though?” She seemed genuinely interested as to why my own family would kick me out. I shrugged. “Your accident?”

“He doesn’t think I’ve matured. He blames me for what happened.” I said this nonchalantly, like I couldn’t care less what my grandfather thought of me. That was far from the truth, but part of me was done trying with him.

“Well what did happen?” I looked down at my hands, contemplating. “I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have asked you that. I know it’s personal.” I looked back up at her, her hazel eyes shining back at me. She looked like she felt awful.

“Don’t be sorry. If we are going to do this I should be honest with you.” I took her hands into mine; our food finished and the leftovers pushed aside. She was sitting cross-legged from me, a piece of her hair tucked behind her ear. She wore a dress today; blue with a black belt which flowed over her just enough to cover herself. I wouldn’t have pegged her for a dress kind of girl, but she looked beautiful in it.

“Luke, really. I have some skeletons in my closet too that I’m not ready to share.” I thought about this. I wondered what she had done or what had caused her pain. I couldn’t picture her ever doing anything so horrible she wouldn’t be able to talk about it.

“I think I want to.” I said, honestly. Something about her made me want to tell her everything about myself; including the bad parts. I swallowed hard. “You’ve probably heard most of it anyway.”

“I’ve heard an overview, not the entirety of what happened. I don’t accept overviews.” She gave my hand a squeeze and moved closer to me. I could smell her perfume now which happened to be something sugary and floral at the same time. I swallowed hard for a different reason now. I pushed my thoughts about her aside and thought about my past.

“We won a lacrosse game that night and ended up at a bar. My friend, Blaine, was supposed to be designated driver and he was designated, just not sober. At the time I thought he had only had a few sips of what we were passing around in the truck but it turns out he was a few shots in before we even stepped in the vehicle.” I tried to keep eye contact even though I felt it wavering. She rubbed her thumb over the palm of my hand, reassuring me. “It doesn’t matter anyway because I still let him drink. My best friend, Chris.” I stopped, my voice cracking. I got up and poured myself a glass of whiskey. Logan followed me, touching a hand to my cheek.

“It’s okay.” She soothed. “You don’t have to tell me any more.” I placed one of my hands on the kitchen counter steadying myself. I felt weak. I shook my head and continued.

“Chris was laughing. Making jokes, calling me a pansy. Just being Chris. He didn’t have his seat belt on. I told him to put it on, but I didn’t make him when he refused. I let him continue to drink, to pass the bottle around, to be a distraction.” I paused, taking a sip of my drink. My hand was shaking. “Blaine wasn’t paying attention and swerved into the other lane, hitting an RV.”

“Luke…”

“It happened really fast.” I felt my breath stop. I was used to telling this story at schools, I usually found ways to make it feel less personal, but standing here with no one else but Logan looking at me made me feel bare. “I felt the truck flip, I felt pain shoot up my legs. I just remember seeing Chris laying in the ditch a few feet away from the truck alive and… and suffering. He was bleeding out and I couldn’t do anything to help him. I was paying so much attention to wanting to help him I hadn’t even realized that my leg wasn’t even attached to me anymore.” Logan’s eyes filled with tears mirroring my own. I wiped hers away with my thumbs.

“I’m sorry.” She said, shaking her head. “I hate that I judged you.”

“No, you were right to. Don’t you get it?” I said, frustrated. “I could have stopped that entire night from happening. I knew everything was wrong, but I didn’t care. I was having fun and what did it matter if people got hurt. I brought a girl into that truck, Logan. A girl who could have just as easily died or lost a limb.” She shook her head again.

“I’m not saying you weren’t wrong to behave the way you did.” She stepped closer to me, reaching her hand up and running it through my hair. “I’m saying that I can see your pain and I know you’ve grown from this. Your past doesn’t have to define your future.” This time I nodded, shifting away from her and running my hands through my hair. I wiped the tears from my eyes and huffed.

“I’m sorry if that was more than you bargained for.” I let out a weak laugh, half embarrassed I was already crying in front of her. She stepped closer to me, her breath hot on my chest.

“I just want to say that if you ever try to fake end things with me again that I’m definitely not going to believe you now.” This time I laughed for real, my breath shaky, but my mind relieved.

“I think I’m officially in too deep.” I said, smiling even though I was dead serious. “I don’t understand how that happened so fast.” She linked her hands in-between mine and pulled herself up on her tip toes for a kiss. I intended to be gentle but something in me switched and the next second I was kissing her feverishly. I placed one of my hands on the counter to balance myself and used the other to pick her up and place her on top of it, stepping in-between her legs and kissing down her neck. She melted into my touch and I felt an ache for her I hadn’t felt for anyone in a year. She wrapped her legs around my waist, kissing down my neck and then nibbling on my ear. I groaned, unzipping the back of her dress and dragging it down so it sat by her waist.

I unclasped her bra, letting it fall to the floor and brought my lips to her breasts kissing along her sternum until I reached her nipple. She moaned against my touch and flipped her head back. I looked up at her and smirked.

“You feel so good to me.” She moaned again. I lifted my head up and started kissing her again. She ran her hands through my hair, unbuttoned my shirt and ran her hands down my chest, and then fiddled with the button of my jeans. I paused then, taking a step back. “What’s wrong? Did I do something?” She was out of breath but concerned. She hadn’t done anything wrong, I had just forgotten about my leg. The leg that was now apparently going to haunt me forever including during my sex life. I immediately felt insecure about it.

“I’m just…” I hesitated, confused with myself. “I thought I was ready, but I don’t think I am.” She pulled her dress up, neglecting her bra, and zipped it up before stepping toward me. I wasn’t sure what she was thinking. I had never been in this position saying no before.

“It’s okay.” She seemed genuine. Her lips looked swollen and I ran my thumb across them, smiling weakly down at her. She gave me a kiss, buttoning up my shirt again and smoothing it out. “I get it.” I felt like I should be feeling like less of a man right now, but all I felt was wholesome, like she had the ability to mend me in ways I didn’t know possible. I knew that was bullshit and that feelings like that didn’t exist, but somehow, I felt them still. I kept them to myself.