Status: Updates Every Friday

Something Reckless

Logan

I woke up, stretching out across the couch. Luke was awake watching some bounty hunter show, sitting on the floor below me. I reached out and put my hand on his shoulder and felt his hand cover mine before he looked up at me.

I couldn’t get the feeling of his hands on my body out of my mind. I had mixed feelings about the entire night. I knew letting him kiss me like that was a bad idea but I couldn’t stop once we’d started. I wasn’t sure what to think or how to feel. All I knew was that I felt awful, like I had taken advantage of him during a time when he was pouring his heart out to me and vulnerable.

“I’m sorry if I pushed you too much tonight.” I whispered, looking down at his beautiful face. He turned his body around so that he was facing me, his blue eyes glimmered.

“Don’t be sorry. I was as much a part of what happened as you were. Honestly, that felt so good until I freaked out.” After he told me he wasn’t ready we decided to watch some TV which is how I ended up falling asleep. After he had freaked out externally, I had freaked out internally which caused my brain to go into overdrive and thus, tire itself out.

“I just,” I paused. “I just don’t want you to think that I’m some sort of slut or something.” I don’t know why I cared so much what he thought about me sleeping around when he had clearly done the same thing himself.

“I don’t. I don’t really get the whole slut thing anyway. Sex is fun.” I smiled down at him.

“You must have been about to burst from excitement tonight then and that’s why you stopped.” He laughed slowly. I guess that wasn’t the right thing to say. I wasn’t sure what to say in this situation since I had never been in it before. “I guess I never thought that your… leg would be a problem. You always come off so confident.”

“I’m kicking myself for stopping, believe me.” He said, then hesitated. “I just, I don’t think that I can get over you seeing me without anything there at the moment. I need more time.” I understood. We hardly knew each other well enough for him to feel completely comfortable around me and he had told me before he hadn’t been with any girls since his accident.

I glanced at the clock across the room and freaked out. “You let me sleep until four in the morning. Oh my god, Luke, I have to get home.” I shot up from the couch and ran over to where I put my sandals. I had worn this stupid dress to impress Luke and the only thing I could find to match were sandals that felt too cold on my feet for the spring.

“Woah. Why the rush? You can stay over if you want.” I stopped, my hand on the doorknob. I guess I could do that. For whatever reason I felt like a teenager again, rushing home before my parents noticed. I turned around resting my forehead in the palm of my hand and laughing to myself.

“You must think I’m such a basket case.” I said as he came closer and took me by the hand, leading me down the hallway. I stopped midway realizing where he was taking me. “I feel like maybe we’re moving too quickly.”

“I don’t.” He said, opening his door. “Faster than normal, but too fast? Not with you, not to me.” I felt my heart flutter. This was too fast, we were moving too fast, and my head couldn’t keep up with the way my heart was feeling. He walked into the room first and turned around midway to the bed. I smiled at him, admiring him in a place that was all his own.

He had painted his walls a medium grey, the only poster hung was of The Foo Fighters and I smiled to myself. Good taste, I thought. He had a bookshelf next to his bed, filled with what mostly looked like philosophy textbooks and some others. On top of his end table was a picture of him and Chris, whom I recognized from the memorial and Luke’s wallpaper on his phone, holding a couple of beers and smiling wide for the camera. I walked over to the photo and traced my fingers along the edge of the frame.

“I’m not sure if this is the right thing to say, but I wish I could have met him.” I said, picking up the picture and sitting at the side of the bed. I looked over at Luke watching me intently. “Sorry,” I put the picture back down. “I’m prying too much.”

“No, actually.” He spoke softly, sitting down beside me. “He would have liked you. I’m just not quite sure you would have liked him.” I laughed quietly, mostly to myself.

“You’re probably right.” Luke threw off his shirt and got into the bed. “But he was a part of who you were and are.”

“Mmmm,” he said, his eyes beginning to drift away.

“I feel like I should sleep on the couch.” I said, hesitantly. I suddenly felt weird being in his room, surrounded by so much of him at once. I felt like he wasn’t ready for this, but maybe I wasn’t either. The more this night went on, the more scared I started to feel about how fast we had moved in such a short period of time.

“What?” His eyes shot open. “No. I mean, the bed is more comfortable.” I shifted uncomfortably, not sure what I should do. Part of me really wanted to stay with him, but the other part of me was slowly beginning to hyperventilate.

“I’m sorry,” I said, swallowing hard. It suddenly felt like I was suffocating. “Oh god, Luke, I’m sorry. I have to go.” I shot up from the bed and ran out of the house, my sandals still on my feet from before. I felt tired as I drove home, but the further away from his house I got, the more my heart started to calm down and I finally started to feel better.

I wasn’t sure what that was since I had never experienced it before. My phone started to ring but I ignored it, knowing it was Luke. I’d have to talk to him later. For now, I just needed to be in my own bed. I fell asleep as soon as my head hit the pillow.

I woke up to an empty house and a class I needed to get to in exactly… 45 minutes ago. At first I was rushing around, trying to find my charger, my textbooks, my car keys and then I ditched everything and ran to campus with nothing. It was only a ten-minute walk, but I always drove. I guess because I wasn’t a very good environmentalist and half the time my class was early and driving allowed me the tiniest bit more time in the mornings. My cell phone was at 10% so I shut it off and shoved it in the pocket of my sweat pants.

Roy glanced at me when I walked in but didn’t react. This wasn’t my first late day, but I tried not to make them a habit. Elle glared at me as I sat down beside her trying to make as little noise as possible. The corner table squeaked as I rotated it out of the side of the chair and flattened it and I immediately felt self conscious.

“I would ask where you were but I feel like you’re accomplishing this walk-of-shame well enough on your own.” Elle whispered, pretending to go over her notes. I didn’t have mine to look at so I stared at Roy in front of me trying to listen to everything he was saying and praying that I could memorize it. At least he posted his lectures online.

“At least I changed.” Elle scoffed at me, smirking.

“I hope so. I would never let you go see a boy in sweat pants.” I rolled my eyes. Of course she wouldn’t, but honestly, I would have probably worn this exact outfit but with better hair if I was just casually hanging out with anyone. Not that girls who preferred to not do that were any less likable.

“Can we hangout?” I asked, desperately needing somebody to talk to. “After class?” She looked at me, curiosity peeking through her expression.

“I was hoping we would have hung out a lot sooner than today, but sure, I’m free.” I shrugged off her bitter remark and waited for class to be over. We walked to our house together; apparently Elle had also neglected to take her car this morning. When I asked her about it she said it was a nice day out for some exercise.

“So what’s wrong? Bad sex? Wait, can he have sex?” She asked, snarky. I rolled my eyes at her, plopping myself down on the couch beside her. Our living room wasn’t super spacious, but it was small and quaint and somehow comforting for a room that was painted an ugly musty green colour from the previous people who lived here.

“Yes he can have sex; he still has his thigh…” I shook my head, confused and irritated with myself. As if the fact that he had at least some of his leg remaining meant anything about him having sex. It didn’t. “But no. In fact, I think the sex would have probably been amazing.” She raised her eyebrows at me, wanting me to continue with the details. Instead I said, “I was fine the whole night and then he brought me to his room and he exposed me to more of who he was and I don’t know… I started hyperventilating and I left.”

“I don’t get it. You were out all night.” She pulled a pony tail off her wrist and flipped her auburn hair up into a bun.

“I don’t want to recap the entire night, but the gist of it is that I could not breathe properly, Elle, and I had to run out on him and come home.” She blinked her chocolate brown cat eyes at me, deep in thought it seemed.

“I’m afraid to say what I want to say.” I furrowed my brows at her.

“Just say it.” She sighed, beginning to pick at her nails.

“I’m just concerned that maybe this is a sign that you aren’t ready after everything that happened with Brent.” This time I sighed.

“Brent was over a year ago though. I’ve slept with people since him. I don’t understand why I’m suddenly freaking out.” Elle shrugged, maintaining serious eye contact with me, like she really wanted me to listen to her.

“Maybe because casual sex isn’t relationship style intimate you didn’t feel like you needed to be afraid.” She paused, waiting to see if I would answer before continuing her thought. “Look, I admit that I’m not Luke’s number one fan.” I laughed.

“That’s the understatement of the year.” I scoffed. She rolled her eyes, serious.

“And I don’t want you to think I’m saying this because I already didn’t like him, but…” Spit it out, Elle. “Maybe you should halt whatever it is you’ve started with him and try and work on yourself.” I thought about this for a moment.

“He’s perfect, Elle.” Her eyes went from concerned to sad for me. “I think you’re right though.” I felt myself sink further into the couch wanting to disappear.

“I know you might not believe me, but I wish I wasn’t.” I reached over and gave her a hug, thanking her for the advice. Even when she hated my decisions, I knew I could count on her.
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