Something Reckless

I had developed a more extreme limp walking across one of the many school fields to receive my bachelors degree officially. I was nervous, and I had spent the entire morning freaking out about it. I looked out to the crowd and saw my parents and Embry smiling up at me; my mom had her camera out and was flashing pictures. Instead of embarrassed I felt proud. I had every right to feel this way, especially because I had achieved honours and especially because I had earned it. I started my masters next year, but for the next six months I was free and with a degree under my belt.

They had built their usual temporary stage and I struggled a little getting down the stairs, but made it to my seat again eventually. I turned back to Embry and my parents and waved. I thought of Chris and how he would have been graduating this week with me and I felt a pang in my heart. I touched my hand to the left side of my chest and closed my eyes briefly, envisioning how happy he would have been to see this day come for the both of us.

Logan sat on the opposite side of the pathway from me, her eyes never meeting mine even though I was making an effort to glance in her direction every couple of minutes. Her program was after mine and I pretended to understand the “apparent” similarities between our two programs to make them land at the same time. In reality I think it was randomized due to budget. My program would be leaving the ceremony before hers began anyway. She probably wanted it that way since she hadn’t spoken to me since she barged out of my house three weeks ago. I tried not to be confused, but I was. I was confused, I was upset, and I was completely pissed off.

The graduates continued to descend down the field until all of them were in their seats. There weren’t many of them after me since the beginning of my last name was far from the beginning of the alphabet. The speeches continued; most of us began to nod off, and then finally the Dean announced that we were officially graduated and the crowd went nuts. I didn’t mean to, but I had tried to jump out of my chair so fast I almost fell down but was caught by the person next to me. We smiled at each other and threw our hats in the air, full-well knowing we were about to reach down and pick them right back up. I made sure I had mine and walked off to the side of the field to meet my family.

“I can’t believe you made it!” Embry squealed, wrapping me up in a hug. I gave her a tight hug back.

“I’ll pretend I’m not offended by that.” I laughed. I handed my Mom my fake bachelors diploma (my actual one would be coming in the mail) and gave both her and my Dad a hug.

“We’re so proud of you, hunny.” My Mom said, tears welling up in her eyes. I rolled mine playfully. “After everything that has happened these past couple of years, I’m just so proud.”

“Thanks, Mom.” I glanced to my side and noticed a familiar face, my heart sinking at the memory of the last time I saw her. I could spot her big brown eyes anywhere. “Is it okay if I catch up with you guys in a bit? Just going to make my goodbye rounds.”

“Sure, bud.” My Dad said, patting me on the shoulder. I gave him a pat back and my sister and Mom one more hug before making my way over to Summer. I swallowed hard as soon as I caught up to her. She smiled weakly at me.

“I know this is probably not the best time for a reunion but –“

“No, no. It’s as good a time as any. Really.” I said, even though I was feeling a little awkward. “What’s it been? Like seven months?” She tucked a piece of her shiny brown locks behind her ear.

“I just knew that graduation was something you didn’t foresee yourself accomplishing and I wanted to make sure I was here for you.” I fiddled with my hands, unsure of how to proceed. The last time I had seen her she was walking away from me, pissed off because I had snapped at her one too many times during my recovery. She had tried to stick around for me even when she didn’t know me that well and I appreciated her more than she knew. I was just in a dark place last time she and I spoke.

“Look, Sum.” I said, her nose cringing at my usual nick name for her. “I just need you to know that I’m so unbelievably sorry for how I treated you then. All you ever did was try to help me and all I ever did was bring you down. You deserved more from me.” Her eyes glistened and she looked away quickly before looking back.

“I think we both know I was more hurt because I had fallen in love with you.” I swallowed hard again at this new information that I, in fact, had not known. I had never thought of Summer in a romantic way and I had never read her to feel that way either. I was so focused on myself, I had no time for other people’s feelings. I think my face showed my surprise because she said, “well I had. Don’t ask me how since every other conversation was a slap to the face, but.” I cringed.

“I’m sorry.” I said, a mist forming in the corner of my eyes. “I was in a dark place. I know that shouldn’t be a reason, but it’s the one I have. I was just so focused on myself and how much my life had turned down hill. I couldn’t really focus on anything other than the fact that I had lost Chris.”

I remembered how she was after the accident. She was scared, upset, and sad Chris was gone too; or rather, sad that she had been in the presence of such a terrible event that lead to his death. She was conscious for the entire thing and was able to get herself out of the truck before the ambulances came. She wasn’t fast enough though because Chris had already slipped away from us, but I knew she was scarred from it. From seeing him like that and not being able to help him either.

“I know that, Luke. I wanted to pretend that how you treated me was okay. That you had a free pass because of the accident. I realized the day of our argument that if you got one, so did I because I was there too. I tried to get out and run over to him.” Her voice cracked and she stopped herself from going any further. I swept her into a hug without thinking.

“I know.” I mumbled into her hair. She pulled away from me, wiping the few tears that had escaped.

“Anyway,” she said, taking a deep breath. “I also came here because I had always planned to give you this when you had graduated. I’m sorry I kept it so long.” I reached out and took the object from her hands and examined it. It was Chris’ antique stopwatch that his dad had given him when we were eleven. At the time he had hated it, not understanding why old things mattered so much, but as we got older he started bringing it everywhere for good luck.

“How,” I took a deep breath. “Um, how di-did you get this?” I flipped it over to stare at the tiny CC engraving on the back of it followed by the initials of both his dad, his grandfather, and his great grandfather. I felt like it wasn’t right for me to have such a thing in my possession. It definitely wasn’t Summer’s.

“It had fallen out near him and I saw it when I ran over to help him.” She touched my arm lightly. “It wasn’t my place to keep it. At first I thought it would be a great gift for graduation because you had felt so frozen in time and like you wouldn’t make it. I hadn’t even noticed the engravings on the back until after our argument and then… I don’t know. I kept it in spite, maybe.” She bit down on her lower lip and I pulled my arm away from her slightly.

“Well thanks for giving it back, I guess.” I said just to save face. I didn’t want our arguing to continue any longer. “Look, I’m sorry for not realizing how you felt.”

“I know.” She said sharply, but smiling. “I realize now that it really was one-sided. It’s not fair of me to put that on you.” I put the stopwatch in my pant pocket under my gown.

“I really have to get back to my family, but do you think we could hang out some time soon? I don’t want this to be the last time I see you. I know it may not seem like it but you’re a big part of why I’m standing here in a graduation gown right now.” I gave her an awkward half smile.

“Well…” She pondered. “If you refrain from freaking out on me again then I don’t see how we couldn’t.” I gave her a real smile now and swept her into another hug.

“Okay great! I will message you later!” I started walking off in the direction of my parents.

“I miss you too, Luke.” She shouted at me. I turned around and saluted her like I used to always do. She laughed and turned away, walking back down the field.

I walked over to my family again, fiddling with the stop watch inside my pocket. I knew I had to go over to Chris’ house to get this back to his family and part of me was dreading that visit. I had kept in touch with the Commerces, but other than his celebration of life service, I hadn’t stepped foot in his house again.

“Ready to go for dinner?” My Dad asked, probably starving from sitting at the ceremony so long. I looked around the field one last time, taking it in. I noticed Nate standing with his parents and had almost forgotten he was in the same program as me. We had barely been in any of the same classes and for the first semester back after my accident I had switched out of every one he had been in. I gave him a short wave when he glanced over at me and he nodded in my direction. I guess that was all the forgiving I could do in one day.

“Yeah.” I said, wrapping my arms around both my Mom and Dad. Embry walked a little ahead of us. “Let’s go.”