I Don't Love You

“Two roads diverged in a wood, and I—
I took the one less traveled by,
And that has made all the difference.”

- The Road Not Taken (Robert Frost)

“ Hey Darling. Sorry I couldn’t be there to say goodbye. I hope it all works out for you and you find what you’re looking for. I love you very much. Please be safe and call me when you get there. Good luck. I love you. Dad. “

Olivia squinted her eyes as the harsh light of her phone screen shone into her face. The buzzing of an incoming text message had woken her up from the deep slumber she’d fallen into on the way somewhere between Framingham and Hartford. Granted, falling asleep in the back of a bus in the middle of the night was neither the smartest nor the safest idea but she had just been so freakin’ tired.

“ Hi Pops. Don’t worry about me, I’m a big girl. Thanks for being so understanding. Couldn’t do this without your support. I love you and I’ll definitely contact you as soon as I set camp in Philadelphia. Give Sean a hug from me. Talk to you soon, Liv. “

A light smile tugged on the corner of her mouth, an effect her dad always seemed to have on her. He was just one of those people that immediately brighten your day and put you in a better mood. He had a constant smile playing on his lips and took the world with such positivity and love, there was no way to feel sad around him. Even as much as a text from him could significantly lift Olivia’s mood. That was just the kind of person her dad was and more often than not Olivia found herself wishing she could be a just a little more like him.

The notepad she’d been scribbling on before she had fallen asleep was still resting on her lap and the pen lay next to her on the blue cushioned bus seat. As her eyes wandered around she noticed that the girl she’d started sketching earlier must’ve gotten off at some point since her seat, a little further to the front, was now occupied by a guy with dark shaggy hair who seemed way out of place. He was wearing suit pants and a crisp white shirt with the sleeves rolled up to his elbows and Olivia could even make out the tie loosely hanging around his neck. He was dressed way too fancy for a bus ride at this time of the night.

The guy was focused on the little leather bound moleskine he had resting against his legs that he had pulled up onto the seat. His hand was continuously scribbling something and Olivia found it fascinating how he could manage to write something with the horrible lighting that bus had to offer.

What a peculiar guy, she thought. Maybe he had just ran from his own wedding and was now writing an apology letter he’d eventually send off to what should’ve been his wife.

There were a whole lot of “maybes” floating around Olivia’s head these days and she sincerely hoped they’d get replaced by a few certainties soon.

As the anxiety of what was to come filled her once again, Olivia’s fingers were twitching for that last cigarette left in the front pocket of her denim jacket. It had been in there for the last 12 days and she had promised her dad she’d cut back on the nasty habit. She’d just have to stay strong. For dad.

There were lights coming up in the distance before her and few minutes later Olivia could see the Welcome to Philadelphia sign.

“Enjoy our past, experience our future.”

Olivia couldn’t help but wonder what that future would hold for her.

-xxx-

As she slid her notebook back into her old battered rucksack, the one with the NOFX patch and the J.D Salinger quote on the side, the one she had bought in a city that stole her heart while holding hands with a boy that stole her first kiss, Olivia let her eyes drift around the bus.

Except for her and the girl in the very front that had gotten on at the last stop and had been glued to her phone ever since, it was deserted. She knew at some point in the next few minutes the driver would get back on and scold her for wasting his precious time, tell her this was the last stop for the night and that he was looking forward to finally getting home to his wife and his kids.

It wasn’t like she was regretting coming here it was just that now she had arrived it all felt so overwhelmingly real all of a sudden. She had thought about this for so long and now that she was here, that she had a realistic chance of finding what she’d been looking for, it all came crashing down on her. For the first time in a long time, Olivia felt scared of what the future might bring her way.

She gave the front pocket of her denim jacket a last soft pat, making sure her phone was tucked away safely, and got up on her feet.

No more stalling ! No more hesitating ! This was it.

Slowly she moved down the bus, glancing left and right and wondering if any of the other passengers were just as scared as her to get off. As she passed his seat, Olivia thought back to the messy haired guy that looked way too fancy for a late night bus ride. He clearly had no problem getting off. Dude had his ass off of this bus in the matter of 0.2 seconds. Maybe he too, was going home to a wife and some kids. He was quite the looker, Olivia thought, wouldn’t surprise her if he had someone waiting for him at home.

For a moment she wondered what that felt like.

Just as she was about to walk on, her eye fell onto something on the window seat next to the one fancy pants had claimed earlier.

His Moleskine lay abandoned on the patterned seat, clearly left behind in a rush.

She really wanted to walk on, just ignore it. It was his problem really, for being careless. But that just wasn’t the kind of person Olivia Clarke was, her father had raised her better than this. Maybe fancy pants was still around outside somewhere, collecting his luggage or waiting for a connecting bus. Maybe she could hand it back to him right here right now, and if not she could still chose to ignore it then. It’s not like she hadn’t had enough on her plate as it was, she didn’t need to add other people’s problems to the mess that was her life. And yet she did. Because THAT was the kind of person she was. The kind who’d rather get lost in other people’s business than face her own.

Because facing your own problems leaves you vulnerable and vulnerable was the last thing Olivia ever wanted to be. Life was just too short to be vulnerable.

The moleskine grabbed tightly in her right hand Olivia hurried off of the bus, a chilly breeze of autumn air hitting her skin as she stepped onto the sidewalk.

The streets were lit up by brightly colored neon lights advertising frozen yoghurt and tanning studios and 99ct corndogs and a bunch of adult entertainment, and Olivia felt completely out of place.

She had lived in bigger cities before but this was her solo flight. This time her family wasn’t there to put her back on her feet should she end up failing. If she messed this one up, she’d have to deal with the consequences all by herself. To say she was scared would’ve been an understatement.

Shaking herself out of the little wave of anxiety that had washed over her, Oliva scanned her surroundings for the dude in the suit.

There was a family reuniting, hugging each other with smiles playing on their lips that took up their entire faces. The girl from the bus that had been glued to her phone, was now glued to the lips of a teenage boy who looked like he’d jumped straight out of a hot topic comercial.

There were people kissing, hugging, collecting their luggage or hurrying over towards the other bus stop. None of these people were the one she was interested in. The one guy she had hoped to find out here, was gone.

“Well great, “ Olivia thought “ here’s to adding another person to the list of people I gotta find. “

-xxx-

Sitting on the bed of her motel room, watching a rerun of Friends and finishing a 99ct corndog, Olivia’s thoughts wandered back towards the little leather bound book she had stuffed into her backpack next to her own notebook. There was no way in hell this guy wouldn’t want this back.

Crawling over towards the edge of the bed, she left her torso dangle over reaching out for the backpack that had been lazily dropped onto the floor as she had flung herself onto the soft bed earlier.

Her hands grabbed the book and she slumped down back against the headboard, legs crossed and book resting on her lap.

There was a tiny mind war raging inside her head. Olivia knew she shouldn’t be opening this. Knew she should just drop it at some lost and found office and forget about it. Knew that opening it was an absolute and blatant disregard of the guy’s privacy.

As the little devil on her one shoulder and the angel on the other kept screaming at each other, Olivia moved the book from one hand into the other, feeling the soft leather on her skin.

Just as she was about to put it on her bedside table and call it a night, only to let the two commence their war in the morning, a little piece of paper fell out of the moleskine.

Turning it over in her hands, she realized that it wasn’t just a piece of paper. It was a business card.

“ Truncheon Books
Publishing House
Books - Readings - Events
2114 Locust Street
Philadelphia
Jess Mariano “

Maybe this was a sign, Olivia thought, that not opening the book was the right thing to do.

And maybe, just maybe, this Jess girl could tell her where to find the guy in the suit.

Once that was taken care of, she’d focus on her problems.

She would.

Really.

Promise.