Status: active

I Don't Love You

Chapter 4

"there is always that space there
just before they get to us
that space
that fine relaxer
the breather [...]


- It's Our (Charles Bukowski)


Jess

“ Stop “

“ I’m not even doing anything “

“ You’re staring at her. “

Jess raised an eyebrow at his cousin who, despite denying it, was still focused on the blonde girl sitting by the desk sorting through books and cataloguing them.

“ She’s cute. I’m just wondering how long it’s gonna take until you work your charm on her and inevitable scare her off. “ April replied before focusing her attention back on the carton of chinese takeout in her lap.

“ That was one time and it’s not my fault. It was a misunderstanding. “

“ Okay Casanova, I’m just sayin’ maybe don’t hump and dump this one if you don’t want to do the paperwork yourself. “ she exclaimed in mock defence, stuffing another piece of spicy broccoli into her mouth.

“ It was one time. “ Jess replied, shaking his head and getting off the couch. “ Now if you excuse me, I need to get back to work. We can’t all be college students who eat-pray-love our way through life, giving smart ass comments where they aren’t necessary. “

As he was about to walk through the door of his office, April’s voice made Jess stop in his way.

“ Low blow cuz. I am a hardworking student, you do know that right ?! Low blow, and just as I was about to tell you that Rory asked about you after you left last night. “

There it was again, the sinking feeling deep in his guts that Jess hated with a burning passion. It always came back whenever someone as much as mentioned her name, no matter how hard he tried to ignore it. He wasn’t over her and as much as he hated it, he couldn’t deny it.

He despised the feeling, so much so that he had tried to numb it in various kinds of ways. Years ago when she’d pulled that act at the open house and left him heartbroken, he’d tried to drink away that awful feeling. Had tried to drown in it cheap liquor until it had gotten so bad, Matthew and Chris had called for an intervention threatening to kick him out of the business if he didn’t get himself together. He’d hated that version of himself, it had been an embarrassing time and he was glad the boys were there to call him out and get him back on track.

But then a few weeks ago, when he’d ended up at the Hollow again, in her new office. When they’d talked and she’d opened up to him about her struggles and the fact that Logan was still somehow, kinda in the picture, he had reverted back to the self destructive version of himself again.

Only this time he hadn’t found comfort in alcohol. This time he’d found comfort in the arms of a girl he knew full well had been adoring him ever since they had hired her. It was far from a gentleman’s move and he felt kinda bad about using her the way he had, but he was sad and she was there and he had needed some distraction, something that didn’t remind him of Rory.

Jess didn’t want anyone to know about that though. It was bad enough April had a clue that he wasn’t fully over Rory yet.

“ Hey Stevie Nicks, wanna stay for dinner ? “ he said and glanced over his shoulder, showing his younger cousin a tiny smile.

“ Thought you’d never ask. “

_______________________________

Olivia

A loud noise echoed through the store as the entire stack of books Olivia had held in her arms tumbled to the floor.

“ For fucks sake! “ she swore and bent down to pick them up again. Sure this had probably been avoidable had she taken more than one trip. But Olivia liked to be efficient in her work and sometimes that involved stacking 12 hardcover editions of Catcher in the Rye and attempting to carry them through the store after cataloguing them.

Clearly this mission didn’t work out too well for her.

“ Here let me help you. “ A voice spoke from beside her. As she looked up, Olivia noticed that it was the girl she’d seen hang out with Jess at Truncheon most of the day. She had a pseudo Boho vibe going for her that looked a little mismatched and a little confused but it also reminded Olivia a lot of herself when she was younger.

“ Oh, thank you. “

“ No problem, I’m April by the way. Jess’ cousin. “

“ I’m Olivia. I’m new. “ as soon as the words left her mouth Olivia had to audibly cringe a little. That was probably the worst way to introduce yourself. Clearly she was new around here and there was no doubt April would know about it since this place belonged to her cousin. Once again it became clear to Olivia that she might’ve been a fast talker but not a smooth one.

“ Also I’m not the best at introductions, clearly. “

April let out a chuckle as she placed some of the books on a shelf in the back room.

“ It’s okay. I’m as awkward as they come. More than 2 hours of social interaction drain my energy to a concerningly low level. But then again, maybe it’s because I talk too much and too fast. “

“ You talk a lot ? You sure you’re related to Jess ? I don’t think I’ve heard more than two murmured cohesive sentences from him yet. “

“ Yeah that’s Jess. He’s not the most talkative person. It’s not your fault, he’s just generally the quiet brooding type. A little James Dean a little Kurt Cobain, he’s been like that ever since I met him. “ April explained with before speaking up again. “ So where are you from ? “

So far Olivia had been able to avoid that kind of talk. Like she had mentioned, Jess wasn’t really the guy for small talk and Matthew was way too busy finding a replacement poet to get nosy about her business.

It wasn’t like she didn’t want to talk about her past, there was nothing particularly shocking that she felt the need to hide. It was just that her upbringing had been quite unconventional and not something that you could tell people about while making quick small talk. It was a long story and most people didn’t have the time nor the patience to listen to it so Olivia had learned to mostly avoid the topic.

“ Uh well, I was born in Chicago and lived there for a few years then we took off and I lived all over the states really. Don’t really have one specific place I’d call home. Before coming here I’ve lived in Boston for almost a year. “ Olivia replied, trying to keep her background story as short and to the point as possible.

“ That’s pretty cool. What brings you here then ? Looking for new adventures ? “

“ Something like that. “

“ Well …” April said placing the last book on the big cherry wood shelf and leaning against it “ … if you’re trying to find biological father lemme know, I’ve got experience. “

Involuntarily a smile formed on Olivia’s lips. This girl was something else entirely and she still wasn’t sold on the idea that April shared even the tiniest bit of DNA with Jess.

“ No, I’m not. But thanks. My dad and I are pretty close actually, he’s a photographer. It’s why we travelled all over the place. He’s been working on this book of his. Wants to take pictures of all the most beautiful places in all of the United States. He’s a bit of a peculiar guy but I love him to death. “

“ That sounds awesome.”

Before Olivia could agree, the door to Jess’ office opened with a screech and Jess stepped into the store, leather jacket on his body and messenger bag slung over his shoulder. He looked tired, Olivia thought.

“ April, ready to go ? “

“ Uh, yeah sure. I’ve been ready for the last hour. Bye, Olivia. I’m sure I’ll see you around next time I’ll come to visit my favorite cousin. “

“ I’m your only cousin “ Jess chimed in.

“ Which automatically makes you my favorite. Good for you “ April exclaimed with a smile, throwing her arm around Jess’ shoulder. “ Now let’s go home I’m basically starving. “

“ Alright drama queen. “ Jess murmured. His eyes wandered over towards Olivia for a moment “ You alright finishing up here ? It’s okay if you just put the rest of the books away tomorrow morning. “

“ Oh no, it’s alright. I’ll finish up real quick. It’s not a problem. “

“ Alright. Matthew let you know how to go about locking up the shop “

“ Yup.”

“ Great. See you tomorrow then. “

“ Yeah. See you tomorrow. Bye April. “

April gave her a little wave as and followed Jess out the door.

Olivia’s eyes stayed on the two as they got into Jess car, she watched the vehicle drive down the road and disappear around the corner. As the car was out of her sight, she let out a little sigh of relief.

After locking the door and placing the last of the books onto the shelves, Oliva walked over towards the desk. She sank down onto the soft leather chair that she assumed had seen better times and turned on the computer.

Shaking slightly, she let her fingers type the familiar name into the google search bar. She’d been at this point so many times only now, she was so much closer.

Clicking the facebook link, it only took a few seconds for the website to load. There in front of her on the brightly lit PC screen, is the face she was longing to see in person so badly. The face that looked so much like the one staring back at her from every mirror.

Her mother’s face.

She had her mother’s facial features and her mother’s hair and she wondered if she also had her mother’s voice. If they had the same interests. If her mother also hated seafood and loved black olives.

There were so many questions. So many things she wanted to know, needed to know. So many unsaid words and conversations to be have. It was overwhelming and exhausting at times.

And as the smiling picture of her mother stared back at her, Olivia couldn’t help but let a single tear roll down her cheek. The location said Philadelphia. There was no indication of a workplace or any trace to help Olivia further in her quest, but she was closer now than she had ever been before and that was already a huge step to her. It made all the difference in the world.

_______________________________

Jess

If there was one thing Jess knew for certain, it was that April was not a quiet girl. She was constantly talking up a storm about anything and everything.

So when they sat down for dinner and she was quiet as a mouse, uncomfortably switching between pushing her food around on her plate and avoiding Jess’ stare, he knew something was up. Something wasn’t right and he was already dreading every minute of the following conversation.

“ What is going on ?”

“What do you mean ? “

“ You’re acting weird and I don’t mean the kind of weird that is normal for you I mean concerningly weird. Spit it out ! “

Talking about feelings was not something neither Jess nor April were good at. For April it usually took a few months of building up walls and bottling it all inside until it all came rushing out of her in an epic meltdown. Jess on the other hand, had years of training in keeping it to himself, all that could help him get it off his chest, was a shit ton of booze and even then, it wasn’t certain.

“ Uh well — you know when I told you Rory asked about you ? “

“ Mh “

“ I uh — that was true but that wasn’t all that happened. “

The more words left her lips the more nervous he got. And Jess hated every second of it. This wasn’t supposed to happen to him still. He was in his 30s now for gods sake. He shouldn’t be getting all nervous about a girl he dated for a fraction of his life when he was 17. A girl who did nothing but prove that he wasn’t who she wanted in the end.

And yet, he was still in love with this girl. And he hated it.

“ Okay. So … ? “

“ We had lunch together at Luke’s and Lorelai’s place the next morning and um— Rory told us something. “

“ April can you please get to the fucking point. “

His anxiety was rising more and more the longer she took to actually get to the point and had it not been for him quitting a few months ago, he sure would’ve been on his second cigarette by now.

“ Rory’s pregnant. “

Life didn’t suddenly stop or start to spin out of control. There was no cold shower feeling or numbness or heart speeding up. He was just stuck in an all consuming state of disbelieve.

Rory was pregnant.

Rory was having a real actual baby.

Rory. His Rory.

Only she wasn’t his Rory anymore. He’s sometimes wondering if she ever really was. Other than the few times in the last month he hadn’t seen her in years. She was a completely different person now, as was he, she wasn’t the girl he used to know. She was gonna be a mother.

“ You okay over there ? “ April asked, shaking Jess from his thoughts.

“ I uh — yeah.”

There was a question he desperately wanted to ask but was at the same time so terribly afraid of knowing the answer to.

“ It’s um — It’s Logan’s “. Jess couldn’t really say April and him were very close, there was however a weird connection between them every once in a while where one knew what the other was thinking without having to say a word.

This was one of those instances. And Jess wished it wasn’t.

Logan. Rory was having Logan’s baby. Logan who was as conceited as he was rich. Who represented everything that Jess wasn’t. Logan who, if he was being honest to himself, Jess never stood a chance against when it came to Rory.

That night at the open house should’ve been enough reason to admit defeat. That night when she’d come around, kissed him back and then confessed that it was Logan her heart belonged to and that Jess was only a mean to get back at Logan for being a piece of shit.

He should’ve learned his lesson then but Jess was never known to be very responsive to lessons being taught to him.

“ I’m sorry. I know that’s not what you wanted to hear. I really wished that things could’ve worked out with you. Hey maybe they still will. As far as I know she’s not with Logan. “

“ April, they’re having a child together. This is why I didn’t wanna get back into the Hallow Bullshit. I should’ve let it stay in the back of my mind where it was for so long. I’m too old for this. Nothing's gonna come of this. Not anymore. I uh — hey I need a smoke. Feel free to make yourself a home. You know where everything is. “

And with that he left the apartment, making his way towards the little front yard area he shared with the rest of the apartment building.

April watched him leave and felt an uneasy feeling settle in her guts. Jess wasn’t one for outright saying when things weren’t okay. Actually Jess hardly talked as it was. This, she knew, was a huge deal to him. Rory had always been his soft spot and for a while April even resented Rory a little for just that. Being the one thing that could hurt Jess deeply.

This wasn’t how April had intended for this conversation to go, him running off an all that but sometimes it’s best to leave people be and come to terms with a situation on their own accord and in their own time. Especially people like Jess. So she did the one thing anyone would’ve done in that situation. Take her plate to the couch and start streaming the walking dead.

______________________

Jess fumbled around his jacket pocket trying desperately to locate his smokes and lighter, only to be met with nothing in return. Oh yeah, there were no smokes anywhere around the apartment and in neither of his pockets. Because he was trying to fucking quit.

He really did regret it in that moment. Yeah sure he’d promised his mom he’d cut down and stop eventually and after hearing one of the poets Matthew had hired talk about the dangers of smoking and recite a Haiku about lung cancer, he’d seriously set his mind to it.

The poet! The shop! Jess was sure he still had some old smokes hidden away somewhere in his office.

Yeah he had promised himself and his mother that he would stop, but this was a desperate situation and it called for desperate measures.

_________________________________

Olivia’s eye grew tired, staring at the computer screen, trying to find more clues about her mother’s whereabouts. Philadelphia was her last stop she had promised herself. If this was another lead that would eventually lead to nothing but disappointment, she would stop searching. She had promised that to herself. Otherwise it would end up killing her one day.

The sound of door opening shook her to the core, not having expected anyone to come in.

“ Oh great “ she thought “ I work here for a week and already get robbed. Just my luck”.

Only then it occurred to her, that whoever it was, had used a key. Something robbers rarely ever do.

Jess silhouette filled the doorway as he entered the shop.

“ Oh, hi “

“ Olivia ? “ he squinted, the harsh light of the desk lamp hitting his eyes.

“ Yeah, sorry I uh — I got caught up. I don’t have internet connection at the motel and I just — look I. I needed to use it. “

Jess only nodded before storming over towards his office. For a moment Olivia could only hear clanking and shuffling. The opening and closing of doors and drawers. Only to be met with a frantic looking Jess a minute later.

“ You alright ? “

“ Yeah just looking for something. “

“ Watcha looking for ? “

“ Smokes “ he grunted and went over to another desk, fumbling around the drawers in desperate search for a relieve.

“ Oh. “

“ Yeah “ Jess said and stopped his shuffling for a moment before leaning against the desk and combing his hand through his hair nervously. “ Actually I’m trying to quit I just — just need one real bad right now. “

A smoke sounded real good to Olivia right there and then. She, too, had been trying to quit. For her sake and her dad’s, who never really approved of his daughter’s vices.

There was, however, still that one cigarette in the pocket of her denim jacket. The one she’d kept as a reminder not to fall back onto her addiction and surrender to her unhealthy live choices.

But Jess, she thought, looked as frantic and anxious as a person only could and her dad would surely appreciate her helping out a — friend ? Her boss ? Surely.

And despite being able to stay off the nicotine when she was by herself, there was no way she could watch him enjoy the sweet release the cancer stick brought with it, without having a bit of it herself.

“ Well you’re in luck because I do have one last cigarette with me. I’m also trying to quit but I am having a bit of a rough day too soooo, how about we share this one. Then that’s it ? No more smokes for us. “

“ Sounds like a deal “

They of them shook hands, before Olivia pulled the cigarette from her jacket and lit it. Passing it back and forth, the two were stuck in a thoughtful silence. Both of their minds going crazy with so many questions and answers and thoughts, it was hard to process it all. And though their problems couldn’t have been more different, in that moment it felt like they understood each other. No judgement or false pretence of empathy. It was just two people going through something, separately and trying to get a minute of calm from this storm raging inside. Trying to get a grip. Together.

“ I’m looking for my mom “ Olivia didn’t know why she was telling him this. Maybe because in that moment it felt like she could confide in him or maybe because it had been so long since she told anyone about it. So long since she’d let go of all the things she had bottled up inside. Either way, saying it out loud felt both, weirdly liberating and completely exposing.

“ I — dunno why I’m telling you that really. I’m sure you don’t care I just— I don’t know. Ignore that I said anything. “

“ I spent years writing a book about a girl I just realized I still love and tonight I found out she’s pregnant and I don’t know how to deal with that “.

He’d never been this open before with anyone that wasn’t immediate family. Especially not with someone who was almost a complete stranger. Jess didn’t know much about Olivia at all and maybe that’s what made it easier to say out loud the things he tried so hard to hold in. He didn’t know Olivia and she didn’t know him. She didn’t know his past, didn’t know Rory, didn’t know their entire fucked up situation in all it’s messed up details. She was just a girl who worked at his publishing business who shared her last cigarette with him.

“ We’re a real mess aren’t we ? “ Olivia asked, a smirk on her lips. Sometimes company makes misery just a little less miserable.
♠ ♠ ♠
Chapter 4 ay.

Sorry this took me so long. Things changed in my life. I have a proper full time office job and I mostly sleep during my weekends. I know I need to work harder and create faster but I'll try my best I promise. Please don't give up on me or this story.

xx Jo