I Don't Love You

"Hold fast to dreams
For if dreams die
Life is a broken-winged bird
That cannot fly.

- Dreams (Langston Hughes)

Olivia

Olivia’s eyes opened slowly to the sunlight shining onto her face through the flimsy curtains of the apartment above Truncheon books. The tiny couch she had fallen asleep on the night before was everything but comfortable and every bone in her body was aching something awful.

Jess and her had stayed up way into the night, talking a bit but mostly just sitting, smoking and giving each other silent company. It was a weird situation but It didn’t feel uncomfortable or awkward. No, it felt like the two of them understood each other on a confusing level. Maybe misery likes being shared.

Just as her eyes got used to the light, the door the the apartment opened and a disheveled looking Jess walked in, arms loaded with paper bags and coffee cups.

“ Morning “ Olivia greets him, voice laced with sleep and exhaustion.

“ Hey, got us breakfast. I didn’t know what you want so I got a bit of everything “ Jess responded and spread out the contains of the paper bags on the table in the tiny kitchen / dining area.

There was everything from bagels to muffins to pancakes.

“ Did you rob the place ? “

“ Uh no, I just — I know some people can be pretty particular about their breakfast habits so I got a bit of everything. “

“ Particular huh ? “

“ Yup “

“ Hmm … well I hate eggs. Love bacon. Waffles over pancakes but pancakes over french toast. “ Olivia replied and sat down at the kitchen table.

“ Huh. I got you coffee too, it’s plain black but I think there’s milk in the fridge and sugar in the cabinet. “

“ Oh yeah lots of milk, no sugar “

The next few minutes were spent in an awkward silence as they prepared their plates and coffees. Somewhere between awkward and comfortable in a weird limbo of eating breakfast with basically a stranger but also the person you told one of your biggest secrets to the night before.

“ Tell me about her ? “

“ Huh ? “

“ The girl you’re writing the book about “

“ What’s there to tell ? “ Jess murmured, making Olivia regret bringing up the topic a little bit. He had just started talking more than one-word answers to her and there she went and ruined it again apparently.

“ Well clearly if she’s got you this worked up there must be something about here “.

Olivia watches, as a vary of emotions crosses Jess’ face. It seems like he’s trying to focus on something. Put something into words. Something that is so close and clear he can almost touch it, feel it. Almost.

But it’s just far enough to be out of reach.

“ Have you never told anyone about her ? “

“ No I have. Sure I have. But they know her, usually. Or they know our history or whatever. “

Traveling a lot meant that Olivia was never able to really grow attached to people. She wasn’t given enough time to build meaningful relationships where you share secrets and backstories. So she couldn’t really relate to Jess in this situation. She wondered what it felt like being surrounded by people who know you. From stories and experiences and memories. Not from the basic introduction you’ve repeated a million different times to a million different people at a million different places.

“ She’s very smart “ Jess spoke up again “ and she’s always got a witty remark. And I don’t think she knows the impact she leaves in people’s lives “

“ Jess ? “

“ Huh ? “

“ I don’t wanna be rude or overstep any boundaries or anything but uh— could it be that you’re in love with the idea of this girl and with the memories you two made ? And — I don’t know maybe the what-ifs ? “

Jess didn’t answer for a while, just sitting there and brooding and taking a sip of his coffee.

“ Tell me about your mom “

Olivia was well aware that this opening-up thing they had going on right now came with the condition that she too had to open up. Only what really was there to tell ?

“ I wish I could. Thing is, I don’t remember anything about her. She left when I was about a year old. Just up and left. Haven’t heard from her since. “
For a long time, when growing up, Olivia didn’t mind it so much. She had her dad and Sean and the entire US was her playground and for a long time that was enough. But then puberty happened and girls at school had moms who drove them to school and did their hair and helped them put on makeup. Who took them dress shopping for school dances and gave them advice before the first date.

And from then on it wasn’t enough. There was always that nagging feeling in the back of her head, the back of her heart. That there was a part of her somewhere in this world that she had no idea about. Maybe it wasn’t missing, she wasn’t broken or incomplete without it, but that didn’t mean she was’t curious.

“ So you tracked her down now ? “

“ I think so. I’ve been following different leads for a while and ended up with basically nothing. But she recently set up a facebook profile and she set Philadelphia as her location. That’s the biggest lead I’ve ever had and I just — I don’t even know how to find her now that I’m here I just know that if I don’t succeed now I’ll stop “

“ You sure you even want to meet her ? “ Jess asked, a look on his face that Olivia couldn’t quite place.

“ Why wouldn’t I ? “

“ Maybe she’s not all you want her to be. I tracked down my dad in California when I was younger. He turned out to be a pretty shit guy. It’s not like I’ve been expecting much but I always had this idea in my head that once I’d find him we’d bond or something. Turns out he left because he didn’t want a kid and he still didn’t want me 17 years later. I just want you to know that it might not turn out the way you want it to “

Ever since she’d started her quest, Olivia tried to imagine a million and one different ways of how the first meeting with her mother may go. Some were good, some were bad. They all had one thing in common though, the uncertainty was gone.

“ If you could go back in time and tell your younger self how this whole thing with your dad turned out, would you do it ? Would you stop yourself from meeting him ? “

Jess seemed to be in deep thought for a moment before shaking his head so softly, Olivia almost missed it entirely.

“ No. It made me realize things. Put stuff into perspective. “

“ Exactly. I just — I wanna know. If it turns sour then that’s okay. At least I won’t have to wonder anymore. “

“ Huh “

“ Yeah, huh. “

Olivia realised, that she didn’t want the conversation to end. Not now. Not any time soon. She’d picked up on the fact that Jess wasn’t a big talker but she wanted so badly to know more, to say more. It was like he got it. Whatever “it” was. He understood. Without many words or explanations.

“ What’s her name ? The girl’s name “.

There was something about this girl the intrigued Olivia. The way Jess’ eyes held a comforting warmth whenever he talked about the girl made her want to know everything. His lips held a tiny smile hidden in the corner. It never fully spread. It was stored away there, for the girl. Olivia was sure it was meant for the girl.

She wondered if anyone ever saved a smile specifically for her. If she made someone’s eyes fill with pure unfiltered adoration.

“ Rory “

“ Huh “

“ Yup “

Of course her name would be something quirky and fun like Rory. Girls who make boys smile secret smiles have names like Rory.

“ Have you told her you love her ? “

“ Yeah, when I was like 17 and that didn’t turn out very well. “

“ What happened ? “

“ I uh — I kind of left “

“ You what ? “

“ Mm-mh “

“ Wow “

“ Yup “

And just like that the secret smile was gone and replaced by a slight frown.

“ It’s not like it’s gonna change anything. I’ll just make a mess and then things are gonna be awkward for a long time. Her mom is married to my uncle and so I have to see them every once in a while. Can’t very well just dump it all on her now. Especially with — “ he took a moment to collect his thoughts “ — with the pregnancy and all that — stuff “.

There for a moment, Olivia wondered if she was lucky. If never having been in love was better than being in love with someone you can’t have. Someone who deliberately chose another person over you.

With the way her life was constantly moving, there had never been time for a long term relationship. She’s had crushes and high school romances and hook-ups but that was about how deep it had gotten. Sometimes she wondered if that was sad. Right then she wondered if it was a blessing.

“ So what are you gonna do ? Channel all your feeling and write them down and turn it into a bestseller which means she’s gonna read it inevitably and then she’ll still know “

“ Sure but I’ll have money to emigrate to another country and never see her again. Which means I won’t have to face the consequences. Because here’s a thing you gotta know about me, I don’t like facing my problems. I rather walk away. “

“ Clearly, if you left after you told her you loved her “.

“ Wow “ Jess replied followed by a comicall scoff “ you hurt me. I thought we were having a moment here and you use my past against me ? That’s low “.

“ Am I fired ? “ Olivia jokes back.

This was nice, she thought, being able to freely joke around. To feel light for once. To let go. Let her guards down just a tiny little bit and let some joy in.

“ No but I was just about to offer you to stay here instead of the motel but I’m starting to reconsider my offer “

“ Wait, are you serious ? “

Now, Olivia didn’t hate the motel she was currently calling her home. It was clean enough and there were snack machines and and laundry room on the first floor. But it was still a motel. The bed wasn’t that comfortable, it was noisy and it all felt so empty. So impersonal.

“ Sure. It makes sense for you to stay here, I mean you work here after all. If you don’t have a problem with me or the guys crashing on the couch every once in a while after some beers at the bar “.

“ Uh, the only problem I have with that is the fact you didn’t ask me to come “

“ Alright then. Welcome home “ Jess said, raising his mug of coffee for a toast.

As she clinked her own mug to his, Olivia couldn’t really remember the last time she called a place home. This wasn’t home either. Not yet. Maybe not ever. But it felt good to even come close. To have a place to come back to. To have a place to make her own. To have a place she’s wanted.

— XXX —

The shop was flooded with the smell of coffee and the sound of laughter as Olivia sorted through more to Truncheon’s paperwork.

Matthew, again in a sweater vest, was recalling some story about yet another quirky poet he potentially wanted to book which in return made Jess come up with 100 and one different ways to stop just that from happening.

“ You know man, you could be a little more open minded to more sophisticated art “

“ Sophisticated ? The last dude you hired was repeating the names of all the Kardashians in a constant 15 minute loop. You call that sophisticated ? “

“ Least he didn’t forget about Rob “ Matthew murmured, shrugging his shoulders and knowing fully well that Jess was making a good point here.

Olivia couldn’t suppress her laughter at that. It was like those two had jumped right out of a comic strip.

“ You think this is funny huh ? “ Jess called out to her, playful smile on his face “ you just wait until the next reading when you have to suffer through 3 hours of uninterrupted misery “.

“ Look Jess, I’m not saying this is your own fault “ Olivia said, laughter still lacing her words “ but putting the guy who wears ugly sweater vests all the time in charge of booking the entertainment ? Maybe not the best idea, buddy “

“ Uh excuse me “ Matthew called out from behind one of the shelves and walked towards the front desk to stand by Jess and Olivia “ when did this turn into a roast ? “

“ Probably when you decided to wear that ugly outfit, Matthew “

3 pairs of eyes turned towards the door as the voice spoke up.

Olivia could see a look of familiarity spread on Jess and Matthew’s faces.

“ Chris, man. Don’t encourage them “ Matthew answer the tall man before pulling him into one of those weird man hugs Olivia never really understood. It was that half hug half handshake mixed with a pat on the back kinda thing.

Olivia was pretty sure she’d never seen any woman do that. She thought it was pretty ridiculous. Either commit to a hug or don’t. No one needs halfway hugs.

“ Olivia, this is Chris. He’s the owner. Chris, this is Olivia, she’s — I guess she’s our accountant now “ Jess introduced.

“ Hi, Olivia. Nice to meet you but uh — you guys hired someone without consulting me ? “

“ I saved your friend over there from a mental breakdown “ Olivia pointed out, motioning towards Matthew.

“ She’s not wrong “ a nodding Matthew agreed.

For a moment Chris didn’t reply. His eyes moved from Olivia towards Matthew, then Jess, then back towards Olivia. If this was the end of her short time here, she was gonna be seriously pissed off. Working here felt good. These guys were fun to hang out with. They got her jokes and threw them back at her. Jess got it. He got it. She didn’t want to leave now. Not when she hadn’t even started working on finding her mother.

“ Alright then. You wanna join us for a beer at the bar ? My treat. “

And just like that, Olivia wondered if maybe life was being kind to her for once. If maybe all the shit she’d gone through and all the obstacles she had to overcome, if it was all finally paying off. That for once she was granted a spark of genuine luck and a place that wasn’t gonna fuck her over. Maybe. Hopefully.

“ Uh — duh. Who’s ever gonna say no to free beer ? “

Chris walked over towards her, slinging an arm around her shoulder and turning towards his partners “ She liked beer and makes fun of Matthew ? I like her ! “

And though she knew it was all for fun and giggles, hearing that meant more to Olivia than anyone knew.

— XXX —

“ No way “

“ Yes way “

“ Slash “

“ Mmmh “

“ What was he like ? “

Olivia took a sip from her bottle as the 3 men were intensely waiting for her retelling of the day she got to meet Slash. Back when her dad had taken up the hobby of not only nature photography but also dabbled in taking pictures at concerts. He dropped that hobby pretty quickly though, when he realized that 16 year old Olivia with her raging hormones maybe shouldn’t be surrounded by booze and rockstars.

“ He was surprisingly — normal. Very kind. Not at all as crazy as you’d imagine “

“ Aw man, no crazy story ? “ Chris asked with a sigh.

“ No, I’m sorry to disappoint “

Talking and joking with the boys, having a few beers and enjoying the music. It all felt so natural, like she’d know these guys for years. Like they were old friends reuniting after a while and sharing stories and anecdotes on what had happened while they’d been separated.

“ Tell me more about you, Olivia. Now that you’re part of the Truncheon family I wanna get to know you “

And it really felt like slowly becoming part of a family. A small mismatched bunch of slightly strange guys. But good guys. Eventually having to leave was gonna be so much harder than usually.

“ Uh well, except for the Slash thing, let me think. I used to live in Hawaii for a few months when I was a kid. I went to an art college. I had a pet racoon for a week or two and I kissed people in 45 of the 50 states “

“ Huh, that’s 45 lucky guys. “ Chris replied, seeming intrigued by her stories while Matthew and Jess just seemed to be content sipping their beers and enjoying the music. The conversation. The atmosphere. The company.

“ Uh yeah and girls “

To her left, Olivia noticed Matthew choke a little on the sip of beer he’d just taken. Clearly he wasn’t expecting that. Which, honestly wasn’t her problem. Olivia didn’t think that should be in any way a controversial or surprising turn of events. People assuming anything about her, she had learned a long time ago, was their problem.

“ and girls, yeah. Good for them “ Chris chuckled and received nods from both Jess and a Matthew.

The song ended and the upbeat melody of the Cure’s “Boys don’t cry” started to echo around the place.

Olivia’s heart started to a flutter a little and her feet began tapping to the beats of the song. There was something about the songs she grew up on that made her happy instantly. She would sit in the car with her dad and drive along roads that seemed endless and they’d listen to these songs and sing along at the top of their lungs. Those were the moments she was grateful for. Life on the road was exhausting and she had to admit she’d missed out on a lot. But little things like those memories made things worth it.

“ I’m gonna go dance, anyone wanna come ? “ she asked, taking a last sip from the bottle and jumping off the barstool.

“ This is a bar, people don’t dance here ?! “ Matthew chimed in, raising his eyebrow in question.

“ Says who ? There’s a perfectly empty space over there and there’s music playing. Means I’m gonna dance. You’re all free to come join me “.

— XXX —

Jess

Jess watched in awe as Olivia got completely lost in the music. She was moving her body in time with the beat and it seemed like nothing else mattered to her except the moment and the music and the atmosphere of pure and unadulterated bliss.

For a while she was the only one around but the longer people watched her, the more people seemed to overcome by her happiness, like it was contagious. It was like she cast a little sunlight on everyone in the room and allowed them to let go of their inhibitions. In a matter of minutes the empty space wasn’t so empty anymore. It was a dance floor now and Jess couldn’t remember ever seeing people actually dance here ever before.

There was something about Olivia that was captivating and radiant. She was weird in the best kind of way. Intriguing and fun. And she was so unapologetically herself. She allowed herself to get lost in the things that brought her joy, much like Jess got lost in books.

Much like Jess got lost in Rory and all the memories and the what-ifs and the dreams of a future he might never get to experience.

He wanted to capture this feeling. Her energy and excitement and unfiltered euphoria. He wanted people to feel like this when they read his book. The new one. The one about Rory and about him and about life. The one that he was too afraid to work on because it meant opening his chest and displaying his heart to everyone out there. Faults and failures and delusional ideas and all.

“ Guys, I think I’m gonna head out “ he exclaims before finishing his beer and slipping into his leather jacket. He might’ve grown up, might’ve changed, but the leather jacket wasn’t gonna go anywhere anytime soon.

“ What ? Now ? Dude, come on “ Matthew complained.

“ Nah let him go, he’s getting old “

“ Oh wow man, you hurt me “

“ Bugger off old man “

Jess nodded a goodbye to Matthew and gave Chris a little friendly shove as he passed him on the way towards what was now a full blown dancefloor. These boys were his brothers a family he had found on his own. They fought and annoyed each other like no other but that’s what families do, right ? He knew that if he ever needed them, they’d be there no questions asked.

“ Hey Olivia “ Jess called out, softly touching her arm to make her aware of his presence. She was sweating and exhausted but the smile on her face could’ve lit up the entire room.

“ Hi, you come to dance with me ? “

“ Uh no. I’m off “

“ Aw, what ? “

“ You know that book I told you about ? I think I know where I want it to go. I’m gonna go home and work on that right now “

Her smile got bigger at that and it felt so good. To know someone was there to support him. Even if she was mostly still a stranger, she had his back in this. Was excited for him. Last time around he went through the entire process alone. The writing and all the breakdowns and all the stress that came with it. Maybe having someone there who knew about it this time, who cared and who was genuinely excited for him, maybe that wasn’t such a bad idea.

“ Awesome man “

“ Thanks. So uh — have fun. Be safe. Let one of the boys take you home “

“ I will. Thanks for letting me stay at the apartment and for — for everything else “

He knew what she meant. For understanding. For opening up. For listening. She didn’t have to say it and he still understood.

“ Sure thing. Bye Olivia “

He was just about to turn around, when her hand gently landed on his cheek and turned his face back towards her.

“ Jess “

“ Whu — “

Before he could finish his sentence, he felt her lips on his. Soft and warm and barely touching but touching enough to be considered a kiss.

“ Huh ? “

Olivia looked at him with such a casual expression as if this was a regular occurence. As if that hadn’t changed thing. As if —

“ Don’t overthink it. Pennsylvania was still missing and I hate odd number. It’s no big deal. Now go home and write about that magical girl of yours “

And with that she turned around again and got swallowed by the music.