Status: active

I Don't Love You

Chapter 6

"When a woman loves a man, she wants to stay awake.
She’s like a child crying
at nightfall because she didn’t want the day to end.

When a man loves a woman, he watches her sleep, thinking:
as midnight to the moon is sleep to the beloved.
A thousand fireflies wink at him.
The frogs sound like the string section
of the orchestra warming up.
The stars dangle down like earrings the shape of grapes."


- David Lehman, 1948


Some british indie band was softly playing over the speaker as Olivia entered the shop, arms full of coffee cups. She had been trying to convince the boys to buy a new coffee machine. Mostly because she was sick and tired of making their coffee runs, especially since Matthew was more than particular about his order. To no avail though. Truncheon was doing good numbers but the boys still had their reservations when it came to making purchases.

So more coffee runs it was …

“ Did you get me a low-fat ? “ Matthew asked, as she placed the coffees down on the front desk.

“ I thought you said double fat ? “

“ What ? I — what ? “

“ I was joking you nerd. Yes I got you a low-fat. Here “ Olivia replied, pushing one of the cups into his hand. “ You know how long it took them to make this drink ? You are too particular about you coffee, Matt “

“ Uh, I am connoisseur enjoying the fine art of coffee making. I’m sorry you can’t relate “

“ I saw you eat couch pizza the other day. Doesn’t scream gourmet to me to be honest.”

“ We all have our weaknesses, Olivia “

“ You’re such an idiot! “ Olivia laughed before taking the other cups and walking towards the offices.

Entering Chris’ office Olivia placed one of the cups on his desk as Chris viewed himself in the mirror, holding different ties up to his body.

“ There’s your coffee, Chris “

“ Thanks, Liv. Hey, green tie or red tie for a meeting with an author ? “

“ Neither. Take the blue one you wore the other day. Makes your eyes pop “

“ Thaaaaank you, Liv. “

“ Always “

It had been almost two month now that Olivia had been working for the guys. Somewhere along the line they’d fallen into a perfect little routine and Olivia felt more and more at home each day. This little shop that was supposed to be a pitstop on her great adventure was slowly but surely becoming her home. Her safe space. A place she felt welcome and appreciated. A constant.
The search for her mother was going slow. There were no new leads or clues. No one had any idea where to even begin with the search. It all seemed so easy in theory, back when Olivia had first found her profile, she felt like finally her prayers had been answered. Only that was bullshit. She had no idea how to continue with her search. At this point, it was really just waiting and hoping that her mother was gonna post something that could eventually help Olivia come one step closer.

As she entered his office, Olivia was met with an annoyed looking Jess. He had the phone pressed to his ear and his eyebrows furrowed.

“ No you listen, why do I have to come ? People don’t even like me there ! Half the population holds some serious grudge over pranks I pulled when I was 17. That’s not normal, that’s insane. “

Olivia couldn’t suppress a laugh at his words as she placed his coffee in front of him which in return made little smirk pull at the edge of Jess’ lips.

“ Look mom, can I please come another weekend ? Why does it have to be this weekend ? I’m sure TJ won’t mind. I — alright. Alright yeah. You too. Bye. “

Jess let out a frustrated sigh after ending the call. “ My family is insane. “

“ What’s got you all mopey then, huh James Dean ? “

“ My mom wants me to come to Stars Hollow this weekend “

“ And ? “

“ and they’re having a festival. Apparently the townspeople have all found their muses or something and so now they decided to host a festival showcasing their creative talents. Which would be fine and all if it wasn’t litteral loony town USA. So my mom’s husband, who might as well be mayor of loony town, made a short film and they’re gonna show it. And as a responsible step son, apparently it’s my duty to support his creative endeavors. “

Olivia perched herself on the corner of Jess desk, looking at him with eyebrows raised in question. “ That sounds fun though. You get to see your family and go to an arts festival. “

“ Oh no, “ Jess said and scoffed “ this is Stars Hollow. They take things that are fun and roll them in tinsel and confetti and unnecessary traditions that are supposedly rooted in the town’s history but in all honesty were probably made up by someone on a serious sugar high. It’s insanity “

“ It sounds awesome ! I wish I could see that “

“ … and as if that wasn’t literal hell enough. Rory is all over that stuff. It’s a deep rooted character flaw. “
“ Maybe it could bring you some inspiration. Going back I mean. It’s where it all started and maybe going back again and seeing her will trigger some new ideas for the book. “

Jess had been writing. A fair amount even. Though the more he was writing, the more he was drifting away from the initial story. The characters he’d spent so much time creating. The one’s inspired by Rory, by him. They were slowly but surely becoming side characters to someone new. Someone fresh. Jess wasn’t entirely sure what brought it on. How that character came to be and what it meant for the future path the story would take but he was a big believer of letting his gut lead the way in his creative process.

“ Did you read the last part I left at the apartment by the way ? I don’t know how I feel about it “

“ I did. I’m still not really following the story entirely but I love Hazel. She is a great addition. She’s cool. “

“ Yeah ? What do you like about her ? “

“ Uh, she has a dog and a cool car “

“ Is that your measurement for how cool someone is ? “

“ Yes. “ Olivia laughed.

“ Well fuck. I must be seriously uncool then. “

“ Nah it’s okay, “ Olivia reassured him and ruffled his hair softly “ you got the hair. That gives you some serious coolness points. And you could always get a dog, just sayin’. Anyway back to work. See ya later, Mr. Boss “

As she was about to leave the office, Olivia heard Jess call out to her.

“ Huh ? “

“ You wanna come to Stars Hollow with me ? “

“ Uh — why ? “

Why ? Jess wasn’t even sure about that himself. He hadn’t planned on asking her to come but the more he thought about it all, the more he came to the conclusion that he needed someone there with him to keep him from doing stupid impulsive shit. Because that’s what always happened when Jess and Stars Hollow met. Crazy impulsive shit happened. Stupid stuff. Like no time had passed and he turned back into an angsty teenager with too many emotions to handle properly.

Olivia had quickly become a friend in the last 2 months. Maybe more, she had become his confidant. She knew. About the Rory situation. About the book. About the feelings he never ever wanted to talk about. She got it and that meant something right ? Maybe taking her would dull the impact that Stars Hollow had on him. Maybe having her there would be good for him.

“ Emotional support ? “ he said, uncertainty covering his face.

“ Sure. Let’s go with that. Oh man, do I get to dress up in a swing dress and put flowers in my hair and talk in a weird accent to match the kooky quirky aesthetic you always try to convey when you talk about the town ? “

“ Absolutely not ! “

“ Oh bummer “

- XXX-

“ I’m sorry, come again ? “ Olivia gasped as she sat on the passanger seat of Jess’ car. They’d been driving for a while now and after yet another moody british punk album she couldn’t take it anymore. She needed something uplifting. Something road-trip worthy to sing along to.

Only Jess wasn’t a sing-along person. Like, at all.

“ I’m just saying you’re overdramatizing a little. He’s good, sure. But he’s not the savior of pop music as a whole. “

“ He’s Phil Collins, Jess. He recorded the Tarzan soundtrack in six different languages. He’s a god among men. “

“ You want me to leave you and Phil alone for a moment there ? “

Instead of answering, Olivia responded with a soft slap to the back of Jess’ head. The boy didn’t know what in the world he was talking about.

“ You’re ridiculous. Disrespecting the king “

“ The King ? “ Jess laughed and shook his head in disbelief “ what about Michael Jackson ? “

“ meh “

“ Wow “ he scoffed before letting a grin take over his face. Something about this girl wasn’t quite right. In fact, her taste in music was wrong in all the right places. And yet, being on the road with her had him feeling the lightest and most comfortable he had in a long time. She made things feel easy. It wasn’t unlike the way he was feeling back all those years ago. When things between Rory and him were good. Before it all went to shit. Honestly, those moment were few and far between but they did exist. Things used to be good. He used to be happy. Feel like he was appreciated. Like someone wanted him around. Like someone wasn’t giving up on him.

That’s how being around Olivia felt. It was nice. It was — he had missed it.

Missed it so much he even let her blast Phil Collins in his car on full volume. So much he even had to smile as she started singing along from the top of her lungs. Missed it so much, he even caught himself mouthing the words.

- XXX -

Olivia’s eyes widened in aw as Jess and her entered the little town of Stars Hollow. The houses all looked like they were taken from a watered down Wes Anderson daydream. There were garden gnomes and perfectly cut lawns and weirdly shaped windchimes and it all had an air of lightness about it. It all seemed so unbothered. It wasn’t quirky for the sake of sticking out. It was like that because the people wanted it like that.

As they rounded the corner, Town Square opened up in front of them as an absolute sea of colours. Streamers were hanging from the gazebo and the light posts. There was tinsel and ribbon and fake flowers covering every little spot. It all reminded her of a big elaborate birthday party for a 10 year old.

The sky above them had been cold and white all day and there seemed to be no change to that coming anytime soon. But like the garden gnomes and the quirky windchimes the Town itself could not give less of a fuck. It met the cold with it’s own man-made summer.

“ This is insane “

“ Told you “

“ I love it “

“ What could anyone possibly love about this ? It’s — “

“ It’s alive. And unbothered. “

And weirdly enough, that made sense to him in a way.

- XXX -

The clinking of cutlery and plates was echoing through the cafe that Olivia had been told belonged to Jess’ uncle. It was small and everything seemed to be kind of thrown together not really matching perfectly well. It did have a lot of charm though, and it was warm above all. Olivia felt comfortable here.
“ No phones ! “ a man called out to one of the guests who seemed to be intensely focused on getting the perfect picture of her food. “ You’d think you people would’ve learned by now. No one cares about you eggs benedict, Samantha. No one “

“ Hey uncle Luke “ Jess approached the man and pulled him in one of those weird slap on the back hugs men always seemed to do. “ Glad to know marriage hasn’t changed you. Still the grumpy old man I’m used to. “

“ And you still make the same unfunny jokes, huh ? “

“ You know I’m funny. “

“ It’s good to have you here, Jess. Hey you brought company “ Luke chimed up as his eyes wandered towards Olivia who’d been watching the whole exchange with pure amusement.

“ Oh yeah, this is my friend Olivia. She works at Truncheon. Liv, this is my uncle Luke. “

As she shook Luke’s hand, Olivia couldn’t suppress a huge smile spreading on her face. Jess called her his friend. She hadn’t been called a friend in so long. It’s what came with her life really. The whole moving from one state to another didn’t leave much room for proper meaningful friendships. Hearing someone else refer to her as a friend meant more than Jess would ever know.

“ So I take it you guys are here to see the short film, huh ? “

“ Did she rope you into this too ? “ Jess asked as him and Oliva sat down by on the barstools and Luke went back behind the counter.

“ You know what Liz is like. She’s — well you can’t say no. “

“ ‘s why you let me stay here for months. “

Watching the two men joke around filled Olivia with a weird feeling. It felt nice to get a glimpse into their family life. To see Jess as anything other than perpetually grumpy and annoyed. But it made her miss her own dad more than anything. It made her miss the inside jokes and the hugs and the way he always knew exactly what to say at any moment. Sure they’d been talking on the phone a lot since she moved to Philadelphia but still. It just wasn’t the same.

“ Are you gonna stay for the dance party thing afterwards ? “ Luke asked absentmindedly.

Olivia gasped “ there’s a dance party ? “ she asked Luke before turning towards Jess “ there’s a dance party ? Did you know there is a dance party ? Can we stay for the dance party ? Pretty please. Please. “

Staying at Stars Hollow for the night was as close to torture as Jess could imagine. But as Olivia looked at him with her big beautiful eyes and that same passion and excitement she always held when it came to dancing, there was no way he was gonna be able to say no.

“ Yeah okay “

“ Thank you, Jess ! You’re the best !!! — oh shit I should’ve brought a swing dress after all. “

“ No you shouldn’t have. “

“ Also different shoes “

“ Are you even listening ? “

“ Okay, I’m sure you guys have a store around here that sells clothes. Right ? “

“ I uh — “ Luke murmured, wiping his hands on a rug “ yeah. There’s some antique store at the end of the road they sell shoes and two stores down is a clothing store. “

“ Perfect ! I’ll meet back up with you guys later. Oh I’m so excited. “ Olivia exclaimed, grabbed her bag and placed a soft kiss on Jess cheek before rushing out of the cafe and towards the storefront.

Jess’ eyes lingered on the girl as she disappeared into an ocean of bright colors from the streamers and the garlands. With every other person this kind of reaction would’ve aggravated him. Would’ve annoyed him to the point of giving up on them. Not with Olivia. Why not with Olivia ?

Her excitement was charming it was endearing even when with any other person it would’ve been frustrating and annoying. What in the world was happening ?

“ So … am I allowed to ask ? “ Luke’s voice shook him from his daydream.

“ About what ? “

“ The girl ? “

“ What about her ? “

“ Well, you never bring girls around “

“ I — she’s a friend “

“ You never bring friends around either “

“ Look, Luke. What do you want me to say huh ? “ Jess asked, slowly getting a little aggravated. “ You wanna sit down and braid our hair and talk about our feelings too or ? “

Luke held up his hands in defeat “Sorry I’m just asking. She’s seems nice. “

“ She is nice but she’s just — just my Olivia. “

And maybe for the first time that was the most accurate title he could’ve given her. Because friend didn’t cut it and everything else came with notions that Jess himself didn’t quite understand.

His Olivia.

- XXX -

The sun was slowly but surely setting behind the horizon and covered the entire town in hues of reds and pinks. The air had cooled down significantly and it was palpable in the air that winter was just around the corner.

Jess sat next to his mother on one of the uncomfortable white chairs the town had sat out for people to sit and enjoy the short movies that were about to be shown. Doula was resting on his legs, head leaned against his shoulder.

Back all those years ago when his mother told him he was gonna become an older brother, he never for a second could’ve imagined how much he’d actually love his sister. This little girl meant the world to him. He thought for sure he was gonna resent her, for having a childhood he never got to have. For having a mother who was present. Who loved her unconditionally. But none of that crossed his mind from the first moment he saw her. The love was instant. It was all consuming.

“ Hey, sorry it took so long, that apartment has a tiny bathroom I tell you “

Jess turned towards the voice and was met with Olivia sitting down on the chair next to him. Her hair was down put part of it was pulled back leaving two ringlets framing her face. She was dressed in a wide red skirt and a white sweater. Like she’d jumped right out of an episode of mad men or something. Above all though, there was a smile on her face.

Her excitement was radiant. It was infectious. It was — fun.

Back earlier, after Olivia had returned from shopping, he had introduced her to his mom and TJ and especially Doula. And despite what he told himself, it meant something. Their opinions. Their opinions on his Olivia. Whatever role she played in his life.

And they loved her. Especially Doula. The little girl was completely smitten with Olivia. With her hair and the way she brought the sun into every room she entered.

“ Oh you look gorgeous, sweetheart “ Liz chimed up from her seat making Olivia smile even bigger.

“ Thanks Liz “

“ You do “ Jess murmured as the makeshift screen started to come to life and play the first of many short films.

“ huh ? “

“ Look gorgeous. “

“ Thanks. “

TJ’s movie spent 30 minutes showing close-ups of Brokkoli on a backdrop of 90s hip-hop music. Jess was wearing thin. This is what he had taken such a long car journey for ? All the things he could’ve done instead.

In the corner of his eye he noticed two familiar faces sitting down a few seats away from him. Rory didn’t look pregnant, then again she probably wasn’t that far along. To even think about that still felt strange to him. Rory was pregnant …

As he looked down at the sleeping girl in his arms, he wondered for a second what it would be like to be a father. He never really had a great father figure to look up to, except for Luke but Jess was already a teenager by the time Luke had entered his life. He wondered if he could ever do it. If it was in the cards for him, could he ever be a good dad ?

“ Is that her ? “ Olivia whispered into his ear. He knew she was trying to be discreet but the feel of her breath against his skin gave him goosebumps.

“ That’s her “

“ She’s pretty “

“ Yeah, she is. “

She was but she was more. She was Rory.

- XXX -

Jess was going insane.

The music was blasting through the town square. There was people dancing everywhere, some more successful than others. Fun and excitement was radiating off of everyone. Everyone but him.

Rory was moving along to the music in her signature Rory Gilmore way. She was holding back and he could tell. That was the person Rory was. Lane and the boys were jumping up and down around her having the times of their life and Rory, she was part of it but not completely. Never completely. She was watching and observing and thinking. Rory Gilmore had a fascinating minde. Rory Gilmore was the calm ripple of water in a lake too big to comprehend.

Though his eyes didn’t stay with her. They moved towards the girl in the red skirt. The girl who seemed to take in all the space and put everyone under her spell with the way she didn’t hold back. Never. Not for a single second. She was unapologetically and purely herself. She allowed herself to be. To be loud. To be enthusiastic. To be grand. To be alive. To be Olivia. Olivia Clarke was a tidal wave in an ocean that went further than even she was aware.

He wasn’t used to this. To feeling like he was being pulled in different directions all at once. For so long it had been Rory. That invisible force he’d been pulled towards constantly. Even if he didn’t think about her at all times, it was still there. This longing. The what-ifs.

But the more he tried to focus on Rory, the more his eyes wandered over towards Olivia and the undeniable pull over her smile.

He needed to get the hell out of here.

- XXX -

The wind carried the music from the townsquare all the way towards the bridge. Jess could hear it clear as day. It was like he was still a part of what was going on and yet he was on the sidelines looking in. His own Nick Carraway situation.

“ Within and without “ Jess murmured, fingers twitching for a cigarette. But he had made a pact with Olivia, no more smoking.

“ Simultaneously enchanted and repelled by the inexhaustible variety of life. “

She was a vision of reds and whites as she stood against the dark black of the night. As she sat next to him, letting her feet dangle above the water.

“ The great Gatsby, huh ? I liked that book “

“ Did you ? “

“ Mmmh, had a 21st birthday party themed like a 1920th speakeasy. Was just my dad and I but it was fun. “

A silence settled upon them as the party kept raging on in the background.

“ Why are you moping again, John Bender ? “

Jess scoffed amusedly, she had been calling him by a thousand different nicknames by now.

“ Just feels weird being here. I spent most of my teenage years hating it but I also made some of my favorite memories here. You know I’m a writer. I like to let that shit eat me up. Then make art out of it. “

Olivia softly leaned her head against his shoulder. “ I talked to Rory “

“ Huh ? “

“ I wanted to see what about her has you going coo coo. “

“ Did you figure it out ? “

“ I figured out that she doesn’t like me very much “ Olivia replied which made Jess furrow his eyebrows in confusion.

“ Why’d that she doesn’t even know you. “

“ Well she saw us together and came to her own conclusions. Trust me, she doesn’t like me. She’s just raised well so she was trying to be nice. “

The Rory he knew all those years ago, she didn’t just dislike people for no proper reasons. She liked fiercely and gave everyone the benefit of the doubt. Though the Rory he knew was long gone and the woman she was now, that one might’ve dislike Olivia a great deal.

“ She didn’t give up on me, when everyone else had. She is very particular about her breakfast habits. She has an infinite amount of pop-culture references at hand. She does this weird adorable face when she eats something sour. Those are the things that made me fall in love with her. “

“ Are those also things you can see yourself building a relationship on ? “

Could he ? He’s been wondering the same things for years. Back then he honestly believed that things might work out for them at some point down the line. Then she showed up at the open house and crushed his hope. Then she asked for help with the book and the hope sparked up once again. And then the whole pregnancy thing happened.

And now he was all the more confused.

The music in the background switched to a new song and Olivia was up on her feet in less than a second. Eyes wide and huge smile on her face.

“ See ? They appreciate the god that is Phil Collins. Come up, dance with me “

“ Yeah I don’t — I don’t dance. “

But Olivia wasn’t taking no for an answer. She pulled Jess up onto his legs and placed her arms around his neck.

“ Now just sway left and right. See ? You can dance ! “

Phil Collins’ Groovy Kind of Love echoed around the place as the two of them began swaying along the bridge. Never in a million years would Jess have ever admitted it, but this didn’t feel half as wrong or stupid as he had expected it to feel.

Olivia was a great dancer and even just swaying left and right, she put her entire passion into it. And it rubbed off a tiny bit. Maybe it was her smile or the music or all the emotions running through his system today but dancing with her felt magical in a way. A super cheesy, kinda dumb kind of way. But magical still.

The enchantment of the moment took over as he held her hand and softly swirled her around underneath his arm, letting her skirt create a splash of color against the night.

And when she laughed and pulled him closer he had to smile. And it wasn’t a smirk or some sarcastic scoff. It was an actual smile. One of those that used to be reserved for only Rory and Doula. And it felt good.

Rory Gilmore was smart and educated and wonderful. She was all the things Jess had ever thought he wanted. All the good and all the bad. Only he realized, maybe that wasn’t true.

Rory Gilmore was a lot. But she wasn’t Olivia.

She wasn’t his Olivia.

“ Wouldn't you agree, baby you and me got a groovy kind of love ! “

Olivia’s voice softly sang along to the song and Jess thought that maybe she was right. Maybe Phil Collins wasn’t so bad after all.
♠ ♠ ♠
Sorry it took so long, I am just real busy with work. Also I didn't proof read this because I wanted to get it up today so if there's mistakes please go easy on me, I will at some point go back and fix them :)

xoxo Jo