I'm Not Okay

As Gerard and I made our way out the dorm door I hear Frank shout at us, “Hey! You two behave yourselves! hahaha!” He breaks into fits of laughter, but as I close the door i hear a thud and-

“ow! Hey! What the hell Nat?!”

“Shut the fuck up Frankie!”

I stare at the door, shake my head and turn around to see a bashful rock star. “Sorry about that. . .Frank is. . .well, Frank.” Gerard laughs nervously.

I smile and laugh, “It’s cool, you got to witness the awesome that is my two best friends when you walked up the stairs so there is definitely no need to feel embarrassed!”

Once I said that he relaxed, “Haha you’re right! It’s you who should be embarrassed! Who lets their friends put colander helmets on and attack each other with brooms?”

I turn around, very serious, “The same person who came up with the idea.”

He stared at me. . .

“I.fucking.love you.”

My heart stopped, did a triple flip in my chest and danced like a spaz.

Of course I couldn’t show how excited i was on the outside, but seriously, can you blame my internal reaction? The guy who’s voice and personality that practically every girl fantasizes, just said ‘I love you.’ DIRECTLY to me! How could I not freak out?

I just laughed it off and replied, “How could you not?” as lightly and confidently as I could. We both laughed a little than I led him down the hall and down the stairs to the laundry room at the back of the house.

Once we reached the door way I peeked in just to make sure; thankfully no one was there. I sighed and plopped the laundry basket down next to the washer, digging in my pant pocket for quarters.

Gerard set the other basket down on the ground and hopped up on top of the washer next to me, swinging his legs. A smile crept over my face again. I giggled and started tossing their clothes in the wash.

“So, dear hostess! What do you do around here for fun?” Gerard asks kicking his heels against the machine. “hmm, well I don’t know if you’d call it fun but usually I find random spots on campus, or around town, and read.” I look up at Gerard and he looks at me with a straight face, “You’re right. I wouldn’t call that fun.”

“What an ass!”

I laugh and toss a pair of his bandmates boxers at his face. He quickly dodges and picks them up with a pinch of his thumb and forefinger, a disgusted look across his handsome features.

“Hey! Watch it with those! You do not want to know how long it’s been since our clothes have had a proper wash.”

“ew.”

Gerard tosses them in the washing machine. “But seriously, that’s not all you do is it?”

“Haha no. Chris, Jesse and I pal around and reek goofy havoc on the unsuspecting city of Austin. And Mil-”

I stopped not wanting to have him magically appear with the utterance of his name. I never realized how much Miles and I hung out, how much I depended on him when reality got too real, and how much I really, might actually, love him.

I think Gerard sensed my discomfort because he jumped down from his perch and rubbed my back. I jumped at his touch but didn’t look up, I didn’t want anyone to see me broken especially him.

“Sorry it’s just. . .sorry.” I stood up, slamming the washing machine door shut and ferociously mashing the start button, ruffling my shaggy hair. I felt Gerard drape his arm across my shoulders.

“Hey,” he whispered “hey, it’s alright to feel a bit broken up, but don’t focus on that guy. He’s an ass and a dick for fucking with you like that.”

I stayed silent, still avoiding his gaze.

“I don’t know how long you’ve known him or what kind of history the two of you have, but I do know how it feels to be betrayed and run-down and just completely depressed. It fucking sucks,”

Gerard grabbed my chin and tilt up my face to meet his, “but you aren’t alone.”

I didn’t realize what I had done until our lips met.