Seems Like We Lost It All

Groaning, Madison squeezed her eyes shut tightly determined to keep the harsh sunlight from burning them. She rolled over to get more comfortable then froze when she felt someone next to her. Her eyes sprung open quickly only to fall closed again when she realized it was only Jimmy. He chose that moment to stretch and punch her right in the face.

“Oww asshole!” She shrieked and dug her elbow into his side. Other than letting out a loud snore and rolling over, he showed no reaction to her. Her cheek was throbbing from where he’d hit her and she knew she’d never be able to get back to sleep so she drug herself out of bed instead.

She rummaged through the bathroom cabinet until she found some tylenol then she held her mouth under the faucet while she swallowed the pills. She quickly brushed her teeth and ran a brush through her hair so she looked a little less like she’d been electrocuted. She headed down the stairs quietly, doing her best not to wake anyone else.

Matt was seated at the table in the kitchen with a cup of coffee in his hands. He pointed Madison in the direction of the creamer. Once satisfied with her coffee mixture she joined her brother at the table.

“I didn’t expect you to be up this early,” Matt stated.

“Yeah well it’s pretty hard to sleep in with a Jimmy in the bed. That dude doesn’t know what personal space is even in his sleep.” The two siblings fell into a comfortable silence while they both sipped their coffee, trying their best to become more human than zombie.

“Last night wasn’t too much for you, wasn’t it?” Matt finally asked. He couldn’t miss how exhausted she looked and if he had to guess he’d say it wasn’t all from her waking up early.

She took a long sip from her coffee. “Not really. It was actually easier than I thought it would be. I didn’t know what to expect since I hadn’t been around that many people since…”  She trailed off, suddenly feeling like she’d been punched in the gut. She was about to say since Alex’s funeral but even thinking the words was enough to cause tears to burn her eyes again.

“Everyone was happy to have you here. It’s like our group is finally complete again.”

“I know, I’ve missed you all. Especially you. I feel a little guilty about locking myself away from you. I know it must have been hard for you to deal with.”

“You’re here now and that’s all that matters. Just don’t go try to make yourself into a hermit again.”

“Believe me, I won’t. All that solitude was starting to make me feel crazy so it’s good that you came to my rescue when you did.”

Matt lifted his arms for a hug and Madison scooted her chair closer so she could lean into his embrace. Everything about him was so familiar, it made her realize just how much she’d missed him. Everything in the last four months had been so wrong, so unfamiliar, that being there with the only constant in her life was therapeutic in a way.

“Have you had time to think about what you’re going to do now? Do you want to stay in your house?”

“God no. Not at all. I can’t stay there, not with all the memories. It will never feel like home again. I need to start looking for places then sell that house whenever it’s time to move in somewhere else.”

“You could always put the house up for sale now and move in here until you find a place of your own. There is plenty of space and you know we’d love to have you here.”

“That sounds pretty amazing, Matt. I will need some help getting everything moved out of the house.”

“Consider it done. The guys and I will do anything we can to help.”

“I think I need a little more time, but I’ll let you know when I’m ready.”

“Don’t rush. You know we’ll all be ready to help whenever you’re ready.”

“I actually have something I need to do today. Can I borrow your truck?”

The leaves crunched beneath Madison’s feet as she walked across the deserted cemetery. It wasn’t cold, but she shivered anyway as the familiar headstone appeared in front of her. She knelt down, straightening the flowers that decorated the space.

“I feel like I’m drowning here without you, Alex. I can tell everyone wants me to start moving forward but I don’t know how.”

There was no response, of course, except for the wind whistling through the stones that ruffled her hair. She felt completely and totally alone. She wasn’t sure what she expected. She hoped she could at least feel his presence, but there was nothing.

She stood up and I sigh fell from her lips. It was no use being here. No part of him was here or at least she couldn’t feel him. “I’m not ready to move on just yet. But I’m ready to start trying. I just wish I could talk to you one more time. I wasn’t ready to say goodbye.”

She kissed her hand before touching it to the cold stone. After a whispered goodbye, she turned and made her way back to the borrowed car. It felt like something had changed inside her. She had a hopeful feeling that she’d never had before. Was it really possible to pick herself up and be happy again? She wasn’t sure, but she was going to find out.

Matt’s truck rolled to a stop behind where she’d parked. He climbed out and waited for her to reach him. “I had a feeling you were coming here. Are you okay?”

She gave her brother a smile and nodded. “I think I will be. So what do you say we gather everyone up and start packing my house up tomorrow?”

“You seem different. Are you sure everything is alright?” He studied her closely, trying to place what exactly had changed. She seemed...hopeful, happy even.

“Yeah. Just feels good to be making plans again.”