Maybe Memories

I sat on the couch with Maggie while we watched some old black and white movie. I wasn't that interested in it, and honestly my mind was somewhere else, until she snapped me back to reality. "Earth to Ellie." She said, waving her hand in front of my face.

"What?" I answered, not really sure what she was even trying to get my attention about.

"What's up with you? Everythin' okay?" She looked concerned, and I knew she wouldn't easily be swayed to believe everything was fine. Honestly, I couldn't even pretend like everything was fine.

"Yeah, I guess. Just stressed out." I shrugged, trying to not make this about what it was actually about.

"Marriage troubles?" I was a little irritated that this town was so small that everyone seemed to know everything, I just hoped to keep my feelings for Daryl under wraps.

"Word gets around fast here, huh?" I sighed, looking at her with an obvious annoyance on my face.

"Kinda." She smirked, she seemed to find amusement in the fact that I wasn't used to small town life anymore. "Well talk to me. What's goin' on?"

I wanted to confide in her and tell her everything, but there were definitely some things that would be best unsaid. "Jesse and I are getting divorce. I guess he fell in love with a coworker or something since I've been gone." I didn't want this to sound like a sob story, because I really wasn't all that sad about it anymore. It upset me, and it made me feel bad, but I wasn't finding myself dwelling on it, and maybe it was because the marriage was already broken, or maybe Daryl had something to do with it. I wasn't really sure of anything when it came to that situation.

"Oh I'm so sorry." She gave me a hug, and I feel like she expected me to get emotional, but I just wasn't in the mood, especially with bigger things on my mind.

"It's fine, I don't think it would have lasted anyway. It just wasn't what I wanted in a marriage." I smiled, being honest with her.

"So where's that leave ya with Daryl?" She asked, a mischievous look I her eyes.

"Why do you ask?" I crossed my arms and narrowed my eyes at her.

"Well ain't he livin' here now? Why else would he be around so much?" She was right. It didn't look so great from the outside, but it was like this originally for safety reasons, just like having Maggie there was. I just so happened to start having feelings I knew were wrong.

"We're friends, Maggie. I'm not even divorced yet." I denied it the best way I could, it was so hard to lie to her.

"Don't matter. Can't help who ya fall in love with." My eyes widened at her in some sort of shock. I didn't think I was in love with him, I kind of just figured this would be some short term romance. That wasn't what I wanted, but it was what I 'd expected.

"I'm not in love with him." I said this confidently, but I could feel my face showing the opposite.

" Course ya are." She laughed, like this was common knowledge. "It's written all over your face. I knew 'bout this back when we were all fixin' up the house."

"It's not like that. This isn't love." I almost didn't want it to be love, because I wasn't sure if Daryl was capable of loving someone long term. He hadn't gotten to experience any real love his whole life, how would he handle something like this? I hoped he would surprise me, but I didn't know how much faith I had in that.

"Then what is it?" My dumb ass completely bypassed the fact that she didn't actually know we were romantic and blurted something out before I thought about it.

"It's just kissing, that's it! There's no big thing behind it, there's no dramatic love story, it's physical. And just that." I huffed, but when I looked her in the eyes I knew I'd made a mistake.

"What?!" She half squealed like some excited teenager. "Ya'll are kissin' now? Details!"

"No! Shit, that's not-"

"Ya already spilled. There's more goin' on here than I thought. I was jus' fishin'." She laughed, knowing she'd gotten a rise out of me.

"Maggie, you are awful." I sighed, only for her to laugh at me. "I'm not divorced yet, so its bad enough I'm getting romantic with someone, talking about it makes me feel worse."

"It makes ya feel worse 'cause when you talk about it you validate it. You're in denial Ellie." I felt uncomfortable, knowing someone else actually knew what was going on, but she was right. I was in denial, and it was getting me nowhere. Denying how I felt about things wasn't going to help or change anything.

"It just makes me feel like a bad person. I've never cheated on anyone." My guilt overtook me for the millionth time and I hung my head.

"The only thing that's keepin' ya with Jesse is a signed piece of paper, okay? From what I'm hearin', you were over Jesse a long time ago. It's okay to be in love with someone else." Her words were kind and uplifting, I needed to hear it, but I just couldn't jump over that barrier of thinking that I was wrong for feeling the way I did.

"What would you do, if you were me?" I asked, praying for some kind of womanly advice.

"Nothin' different than what you're doin' now." She shrugged, giving me hope. "No matter what ya do now you're gettin' a divorce, it ain't just because of Daryl, right?" I nodded, starting to feel better. "So don't worry 'bout it. It is what it is, just start this new chapter while ya close your last one. Everythin'll be fine."

I hugged her, feeling immense relief. "I don't know how I lived without you for all those years." I laughed, making her smile and look me in the eyes.

"You're a strong woman. No matter what happens, you can handle it." I wanted to see him now, I wanted to revel in my relief, I wanted him to know how my heart and mind were starting to change, but I couldn't. he was in jail and it was partly my fault.

I thought a lot about my situation that night, about what I wanted in life and how I could get it. But it also made me wonder if Daryl wanted the same things I did. I wanted a big house with a yard, a small, private wedding some day, maybe a few kids, a dog even. I wanted to have dinner ready when he came home from work, I wanted to relieve his stress and irritation built up through the day just by being together. We could be happy, living a quiet, passionate life. But I had no idea if he wanted any of it. He hadn't grown up in a place like that at all, he'd never experienced a real family life, what if he didn't want to? Of course, that should have been the least of my worries, but I would rather have thought about that than the fact that he was sleeping in a jail cell.

The next morning, I got up at the crack of dawn and got ready for the day as quickly as possible. I wanted him out of there, and I couldn't get to the police station fast enough.

When I walked in, I went to the reception desk and asked for Rick. "Sorry." The woman sighed, obviously not that thrilled to be at her job. "Grimes won't be here for another hour. You can either talk to Walsh or just take a seat."

"I'll wait." I said and sat down in a chair. I was beyond irritated by this whole thing and it was worse that I couldn't even say or do anything about it. I wanted to punch Shane in the face, scream at him for making life so miserable, but it wouldn't fix anything.

I felt like I sat for hours before Rick came in and started on the release. Maybe it really had been hours, it was noon before I'd heard much about what was going on. Daryl came out in the clothes he'd been arrested in and stood at the desk for a moment to gather his belongings. He looked tired and angry, until we locked eyes, that is. He took a sigh of relief and outstretched his arms for me to run into. It wasn't like I hadn't seen him in ages, but all the grief and worry was finally set aside and it was wonder to be held by him again. "I'm so sorry." I knew apologizing wasn't going to make it better, but I didn't know what else to say.

"Jus' get me the hell outta here." He half laughed, though I could feel how tense he was. We walked out to my car and his silence worried me, until I noticed him nodding off in the passenger seat. He must not have slept that night, and I didn't blame him.

We went and picked up his bike from impound, figures Shane would make sure it went there instead of calling me to pick it up. I thought we'd head home together, but his plans were different. "I gotta get to the shop, tell 'em why I didn't show up so I don't get fired."

"I doubt they'll fire you. You're good at your job." I smiled, wanting him to smile too, but he wasn't in the mood.

"Don't matter. If I ain't showin' up to work they'll boot me. And I'm gonna see Merle, got some shit to talk about." I didn't like the sound of that already.

"You know where Merle is?" I crossed my arms, concerned at this point, it was something that could be used against him if Shane ever found out.

"Nah, but I got a good idea. I'm sure I'll find his ass. I'll be back later tonight after I get some shit in order." It was nice of him to tell me where he was going, and that he'd be back later, but it only worried me.

"Can I ask what you need to talk to him about?" Honestly it wasn't my business, but I had a feeling it had something to do with Shane.

"Nothin', better if ya stay out of it." Shit. That literally could have meant anything.

I nodded, unhappy with his answer. "Okay. I'll see you later then." I half smiled and walked passed him, only to be stopped by being grabbed on the arm.

"Hey, don't worry 'bout it." He said, carefully rubbing my arm with his thumb. "I ain't gettin' anyone into trouble. Jus' sendin' out a warning. Go straight home and keep the doors locked. I'll be back before dark." He kissed my forehead and a part of me melted, I hated how he made me feel this way with such little effort.

We parted ways and I did as I was told, even though I sort of wanted to follow him and find out what was going on, but not trusting him wasn't smart, just like not trusting Rick wasn't smart. They knew what they were doing, I had to accept that and roll with it.

It was after dark and I was starting to wonder why Daryl wasn't back yet. Did he get picked up again or something? I was concerned about Shane screwing with him again, or Merle and his goons getting him into something he couldn't get out of. There was so much to worry about and I felt like I wanted to go looking for him, until a soft knock on the front door tore me from my thoughts.

I looked through the window to find Daryl standing there, holding something. I opened the door and saw him holding a big box and some grocery bags. "What is this?" I smiled, not all the sure what he had planned.

"Take the bags for me sweetheart." He said, handing me the bags and walking in passed me. I shut and locked the door and followed him to the kitchen.

I put the bags on the table and walked over to where he put the box down and read the outside. "A hammock?"

"Mhm." He said, rushing over to the bags I'd put down. I studied the box for a minute, trying to figure out why the hell he'd impulse buy a hammock, it seemed like a weird thing to do. Before I could think about it too much, a bouquet of flowers appeared in front of me. He was holding the flowers from behind me, waiting for me to take them. I took them from him, taking a second to admire the daisies and roses, and noticed a card that read "Thanks for always being there when I need ya Ellie. -Daryl"

I turned around and hugged him, finding it hard to believe that a guy like Daryl Dixon could be so sweet and romantic. "Thank you Daryl." I almost felt like crying, it was so sweet, and I was glad he felt that I was there for him, that he needed me as much as I needed him. It was beautiful, and really not something I thought I'd ever experience.

I kissed him with a happiness I hadn't felt in a while, I was just so happy he was home, even though it had only been a day and a half. "Ain't a big deal." He shrugged, taking on that modesty he was so attached to. "Start dinner for me while I put this thing up." He smiled for once and I was more than happy to start this night he had planned.

I started cooking and happened to glance outside. His hair fell in front of his face as he was working on putting up the hammock, and his eyes glistened against the bright moon. It was so strange to look out at him, knowing I was in love with him. I had never felt swollen with love just by looking at someone, even my own husband. Jesse often reminded me that I loved him, or that I cared about him, but I was realizing that I never should have to be reminded. That loving feeling should be there always, and for me, it finally was.

When Daryl came in, he poured me a glass of wine and ordered me to sit down. He kept cooking and I watched him while I sat on a bar stool. He seemed like he really knew what he was doing, and I wondered if it was because he was expected to do this when he was kid. I knew he took on a lot of responsibility at a young age, this was probably one of those things he had to learn to do to avoid getting beaten by his dad. The thought made my heart heavy, but it only made me appreciate him more.

Once dinner was done, we sat down together and ate and drank wine. And although it was really romantic, we found ourselves laughing a lot, which of course I loved. It was a great mix of romance and fun, it was a much needed break form the drama surrounding us.

We finished our food and he lead me out to the hammock where he'd thrown a few pillows and blankets, laying down first then letting my lay next to him. It didn't take long before I was resting my head on his chest and cuddling up to him. He tossed a blanket over the two of us and relaxed. The gentle breeze grazed my face and I allowed myself to close my eyes. I felt at perfect ease with Daryl there, the hammock slowly rocking, the crickets chirping, it was like experiencing something I didn't know that I desperately needed. "This was a great idea." I said quietly, unsure if he even heard me.

"Mhm." His murmured, his voice vibrating his chest. I could hear his heart beating and it was more calming than I expected. I felt like nothing could ruin this for me. I looked up at him, his eyes closed and hair covering part of his face. I pushed the hair back and he looked at me with those pretty blue eyes, but I ignored his gaze and went on to kiss his jaw line. I left small kisses down his neck all the way to his collar bone. I could feel his heart beating faster under my hand, and some part of me loved that, it made me feel like I could make him feel something with little effort, like he could do to me, as confusing as that sounds. "I didn't do this for-"

"I know." I answered against his skin, not worried about his intentions. I knew he was just doing all of this to be nice, or because he liked me or whatever. I wanted this, and I was finally able to admit it somewhat, at least in my head anyway. I loved him, I knew I loved him ages ago, but it was freeing to be able to admit it to myself.

I made my way to his mouth and kissed him so slowly that it almost hurt. I wanted to savor this moment with him and keep it in my head forever. I wanted to remember the way his lips felt on me, the way he grazed his hands down my thighs and back, the way the earth around me fell so silent that all I could hear was the kissing sounds we were making, the way the breeze flowed around us so softly, as if it didn't want to interrupt. I found myself sliding his shirt off, I hadn't even realized until then that his jacket was already on the ground.

My hands travelled up and down his toned chest, admiring every single inch of him. I was so focused on him that I had to snap to attention when he tried to pull my shirt off. He unclasped my bra and started kissing down my neck as he removed more of my clothing. I heard myself sigh and let out a quiet moan when I felt his hand between my legs. It was like an out of body experience that I had no control over. Before I knew it I was completely unclothed and unzipping his pants. I had never been with another man like this before, and I was nervous and scared, but his gentle touch and slow pace made me comfortable. I didn't feel like I'd gone too far and had no choice but to finish what I started, I knew I could stop this at any moment and he wouldn't be the least bit upset, and it really helped me realize that I was making the right decision, even if it was technically a wrong one.

He kissed me softly as things progressed, focusing on keeping me comfortable. I was shocked at the size difference, I never thought Jesse had a small.. well.. Yeah. But I was really noticing the drastic difference and it made me crazy. I hadn't meant to moan like I did, but it happened and he smiled at me in a beautiful and devilish way. Lust was clear in his eyes, but so was joy, so was passion and dare I say love? I wanted him to feel love for me, like I did for him, and I was so sure he did.

Too soon we both came rushing to our release, it was unlike any sex I'd ever had and I felt like I was on cloud nine. Never had I thought a man's moaning or groaning was attractive until I heard Daryl do it against my neck. I knew ever having sex with someone else again was out of the question, for both emotional and purely lustful reasons.

The vulnerability he showed me was astounding though. He finally broke at seemingly permanent look of worry or paranoia that he always had plastered on his face, and he now looks fully serene and relaxed. There was no tension in his body anymore, and he let his guard down. It was amazing to see, and I wondered if he'd ever really been able to be so vulnerable before.

He pulled his pants back to where they belonged then pulled me into him. "Can I tell ya somethin'?"

"Of course you can." I looked up at him and gave him my attention.

"Ya know, I fucked girls before. I did whatever with 'em, but I never did it because I gave a shit 'bout 'em. I never cared 'bout who I was with, I just got whatever I wanted and never saw 'em again." He looked a bit troubled, like he wanted to say something but couldn't quite get it out. "I jus' want ya to know it ain't like that. I care about ya Ellie, I like bein' around ya." He paused and looked for words again, before saying "Look I ain't good at this. But I want ya to know that I.. I lo-"

"I fucking knew it." A man's voice rang from somewhere by the house. I quickly sat up and pulled the blanket over me to hide my still naked body from the newcomer. "Lying sack of fucking shit." He walked forward and only then did I recognize him as my husband.

"Jesse? What the hell are you doing here?" I was shocked and angry and embarrassed. I didn't regret what I'd just done, but I was humiliated by being caught by my husband.

"I came to come get you Angela. I came to patch things up. I'm sober, I'm faithful, and this is what I find. You fucking some guy." That stung, and it felt like the world just fell on top of me.

"Maybe she wouldn't be fucking some guy if her husband gave a shit 'bout her." Daryl piped up, obviously pissed off.

"Who the hell do you think you are pal? That's my wife. You don't know shit about us! She's a liar and whatever she lie she came up with was bullshit." Jesse yelled, making Daryl stand. He looked ready to fight and I started to panic.

"No! Daryl, no." I quickly stood, still holding the blanket over myself, and put hand on his chest. "I'll handle it."

"This is between me and her. You can leave now asshole. She got what she wanted from you, scurry on back to your hovel." It hurt me to hear him belittle Daryl like that, especially knowing he already had a pretty low self image. I wanted to tell him how untrue that was, how I loved him and how amazing he was.

"Better watch your mouth, sunshine." Daryl took a step toward him, only to be stopped by me again.

"Jesse go inside and wait for me while I get dressed." I demanded, not thinking about how that might have sounded.

"I'm your husband Angela! You should be hiding your body from everyone but me you fucking bitch!" I had never heard him talk like this before, not to me anyway. It was a shock and I wasn't all that sure how to handle this.

"Did you or did you not hear me?" I yelled, plastering a stunned look on his face. I'd never so much as raised my voice at him before, which was probably why he didn't say another word before walking inside and waiting for me.

As I got dressed I felt the tension coming from Daryl. I felt terrible because he was making so much progress, he was vulnerable and open with me, and I was sure he was about to tell me exactly what I had been dying to hear. I turned around when I was done and hugged him. "I'm so sorry."

"Hush. Ain't like I didn't know." He lightly hugged me back, but his attention wasn't fully on me, he was focused on Jesse.

"Wait here, please. If I need your help I'll call for you, okay?" I felt like it was best to keep them separated. I'd just gotten Daryl out of jail, he didn't need to go back.

"Swear to god Ellie, that fucker tries anything-"

"It's fine. I'll handle it." I reassured him, though he was beyond the point of being reassured. I kissed him and looked back up at his slightly softened eyes. "Trust me."

As I walked back into the house, I felt like I might collapse from the anxiety, but I held my head high and went in for the battle, praying this was going to go smoother than I knew it would. Here goes nothing."