Maybe Memories

It was mid afternoon when a call came in on my phone. The number was unrecognized but I knew the area code was from Georgia. "Hello?"

"Hey Ellie! It's Maggie. Just wonderin' if you wanted to come to dinner tonight. Daddy's grillin'." I was happy to hear her voice. I felt like I was in such a slump lately.

"Yeah, of course. What time?" I asked, trying to remember exactly how to get to their house.

"Oh any time ya feel like comin'. He's firin' up the grill around 5. Come on over and catch up with everyone." I could practically hear the smile in her voice.

"Okay. I'll be there soon." We hung up and I got ready for the day. Honestly I hadn't intended to go anywhere, so I didn't bother getting dressed or showered until then.

By the time I was ready to go, it was about 4. I got in the car and let my memory take me back to the Greene farm. Surprisingly I hadn't even taken a wrong turn, my memory seemed to be serving me well. I hopped out of the car and automatically smelled the food on the grill coming from the yard.

"Hey! Glad ya made it!" Maggie called as she waved me over to them.

I gave Maggie a hug, then her father, Hershel. "Hey, how have you been?" I asked him, realizing that he'd aged quite a bit.

"Good, good. How 'bout you? Heard you been livin' in the big city." He was always so encouraging and helpful. He, like most people, didn't know why I left, but he always supported me in it.

"Yes. I've been living with my husband in Tribeca." The more I talked about him here, the more I realized how far I'd come from my roots, but I couldn't tell if I was proud of myself for it, or if I felt bad about it.

"That's good. Glad to hear it." He flipped the burgers and hot dogs before pointing in the direction of the house. "Annette and Beth are inside. Sure they'll want to see ya."

I smiled and made my way inside, but was shocked to find how much Beth had grown. She was about 16 now, and last I saw her she was just a young kid running around the house playing with dolls and begging to go ride the horses. "Annette! How are you?" I greeted he older woman as we made eye contact.

"Ellie! It's been so long!" I again went over that same "Hey how are ya" conversation I seemed to be going through a lot. We talked for a while, Beth staying mostly silent. I would have been surprised if she remembered me much. Maggie and I used to take her to play in the woods just beyond the farm, behind he barn. We had a lot of fun but I wasn't sure if she had the same fond memories I did.

When we all sat down for dinner, I'd met Glenn, Maggie's boyfriend, and Jimmy, Beth's boyfriend. I was kind of surprised Hershel let Beth have a boyfriend, but something told me Annette had something to do with that. But sitting at that table with everyone, it felt like a family. It felt like I was finally home and content. And as hard as I tried not to think about the reason I was there, I couldn't help myself. I was reminded of lost time just looking at the wrinkles on Annette and Hershel's faces, by noticing Beth's transformation into a young woman, by everything around me. I couldn't think of another time in my life being this mixed in emotions and unsure of myself.

During dinner, I got to know Glenn a little more, and I found out that he was a really cool person. He was a pizza delivery guy in Atlanta, but he had much greater goals. He wanted to be an architect, which was a great dream, but getting chained down in a small town like this wasn't the way to do it. I knew Maggie would never leave, not if she didn't have to, and if he wanted to stay with her, he would be stuck too. Although these were things I would never have dreamed of saying out loud, I had those thoughts in my mind. I never had that way of thinking in the past though, I was a "shoot for the stars" kind of girl, but New York changes you.

We finished up dinner and sat around the in the living room for a while, chatting and catching up. It was nice while it lasted, but it was easy to tell that people were getting tired. "I'm going to head out." I said, after waiting for an opportune moment.

"It was nice seein' ya again." Hershel nodded at me.

"You to, all of you." I smiled and Maggie gave me another hug. "I'll see you around?"

"I'll be here." She flashed that genuine Maggie smile at me and I made my way home. I felt more sad than I had expected, I dreaded going back to that lonely house, but I had no choice. I thought I'd feel better if I made a video call to Jesse, so once I got back I got on my lap top and tried to call.

He answered after a few rings and his face appeared on my lap top. I wasn't given the feeling of relief I'd hoped for, but I still felt better. "Hey! How's Georgia?" He asked, looking wired. I had no idea how he was so energetic this late at night, and it was even later for him.

"Well I'm not really here on good terms so not great." I shrugged, thinking it odd that he seemed a little passive about that.

"Oh yeah, sorry." He kept looking behind him and making faces or laughing.

"If you're busy I can go." He was acting really strange, but I didn't really want to ask about it.

"Oh we're just playing video games, taking a break from the daily grind, you know?" I could understand that, he had a few guys come over to play videogames some times when he felt like letting off a little steam.

"Sure. Well I'll let you get back to it." I smiled, my feelings bubbling up again.

"Okay, talk to you later!"

"I lov-" The chat went dead and the screen turned black. "Okay.." I sighed and shut the lap top. It was hard to know what to do or say to make myself feel better. I felt like the longer I was in Georgia, the more miserable I became. I went to bed, crying the most frustrated and angry tears I had in a long time. The grieving process was tough, dealing with it alone was tougher.

After a few days of staying at my mom's old house, I began to wonder if I would ever feel whole there again. It still felt so quiet and cold, I wasn't all that sure of what to do with myself. I had a meeting with the real estate woman later in the week and I still had to get around to packing up some of my mother's things. I'd been avoiding this so far, nervous to go through her things, not sure of what I would find, not to mention the memories of my younger years flooding back with each new thing I seemed to find.

I got out some boxes from the basement and stacked them neatly in the corner of the hall upstairs. I was going to start with her room, get the hardest part over. But the moment I approached her door, I froze. I forced my hand on the door knob, but couldn't bring myself to twist it. I don't know how long I stood there, but I eventually caved in and backed up, saving this for another day.

I got into some work out clothes and put my hair up, deciding to take a run through the woods like I used to when I was a teenager. I thought a brisk run at sunrise would do me some good. I drove out to the line of the woods and parked the car on the side of the road. I got out and stretched, taking in deep breathes of the wet morning air.

I started running, breathing in deep and trying to let out all of my guilt and anger that had built up since my plane had landed. I ran for about 30 minutes before stopping and taking a break. I sat down by a tree for a while, then I heard a sudden cracking sound, like a branch being stepped on. I turned around and looked beyond the tree I had been sitting up against. A buck stood before me, about 15 feet away. I stared at him, taking in his beauty and feeling calm. I stood up and took a step forward, making his eyes snap at me. He didn't move, so I took another step. I kept taking slow steps until I was about 2 feet away from him. He took a step back and I extended my hand to slowly graze his nose. I was shocked I'd gotten so close, and even more shocked that I'd been able to touch him. He ran off and I smiled, my whole being felt better and for the first time since my arrival, I felt kind of happy. That is, until a thud came from behind me and an angry man starting lecturing me.

"The hell ya think you are? Snow White? Jesus girl!" I would know that voice from anywhere. I slowly turned around and met eyes with him, my heart sinking deep into my chest.

"Daryl?" I said, taking a step back. He looked so different from the last time I saw him. He'd filled out, his muscles protruded from his arms and from what I could tell, his chest too. He was built like a fighter and it was such a drastic change from his early 20's that if I hadn't known better, I would second guess if it was him. His hair had grown out lazily, like it often did when he was young and too uninterested in style or fashion to get it cut regularly. He was wearing a cut off shirt and jeans, about the same attire I remembered from before. His eyes sparkled that bright blue that I hadn't ever seen since my eyes met his last. He was holding a crossbow to his side by the strap, he must have been hunting with it. It was so strange and surreal seeing him, it made my heart practically beat out of my chest and I felt shaky and nervous.

"Ellie? The hell you doin' here?" His face went from angry to confused. He was always a hard person to read, but this time I really had no idea what was going through his head.

"Oh, uh, my mom. She-"

"Oh right. Heard 'bout that. Sorry." It sounded a little insensitive, but I knew he was really sorry. He wasn't one to apologize at all if he didn't mean it.

"Thanks." I nodded, feeling awkward. It was like my brain stopped working and all of the things I wanted to say to him over the years flooded from my mind and I'd forgotten everything.

"She was a sweet lady. Took me in a lot." It was true. Sometimes he'd come over to my mom's, when his home life got especially bad, and she'd make him dinner and let him sleep on the couch. Most parents wouldn't be so keen on letting their daughter be friends with a guy 5 years older, let alone let them sleep on the couch, but my mom was different. She seemed to know he had no bad intentions, and I think she knew that he was actually a very sweet person when he wanted to be, or when he felt like he could be.

"Yeah." I sighed, struggling to find words. "How have you been?"

He shrugged, not really sure how to answer. "Same as always." I should have known he'd say about the same thing as Merle. "You?"

"Good." I smiled, trying to keep it cool. For some reason, I didn't want to tell him about Jesse, I felt myself trying to avoid it, but I knew that was probably not the right thing to do, so I sucked it up and mentioned it. "I got married a few years ago."

"Oh." The sudden change in his eyes broke my heart in a way, I hadn't expected to see it, and it was subtle, but it was there. It was a hint of sadness or disappointment or something. I couldn't imagine him ever having any romantic feelings for me, and maybe my brain was just making me see what I wanted to see, but I swear I saw it. "What's he do?"

"He's a lawyer. He co-owns a firm in Tribeca." Telling him this seemed rude, I knew his life wasn't like that, even though his heart screamed for normalcy, or it did years ago.

"Kids?"

"No. He's too busy for that kind of thing, and I don't really want to be a stay at home mom right now, ya know?" I couldn't figure out why I was explaining myself, or why I was so eager to tell him whatever it was I thought he wanted to hear. I could feel that crush coming back to surface and I just couldn't believe it. There was no way that some crush I had at 17 was coming back, it sounded ridiculous. He nodded in response, keeping quiet. "How about you? Settle down with someone yet?" I knew it was a bit of a dumb question after I asked, not because I didn't think he could find someone, but because Merle had mentioned they were still living together, and he didn't mention a girl.

"Nah." He shook his head, and I wondered if he had wished he could settle down or if he was happy the way he was.

We stood there awkwardly for a minute, before I had to break the tension. "Hungry?" He looked at me in confusion, as if an offer to go eat was foreign to him. "I was going to get breakfast after my run. Do you want to come?"

He contemplated it for a moment, before shaking his head and tossing his crossbow over his shoulder. "Nah. Not this time Ellie. I'll see ya."

He turned to walk away but stopped when I ran up and touched his arm. He turned to me and gave me that confused face again. I gave him a hug and I could feel his whole body tense up, it was obvious he wasn't used to physical interaction, which made me sad because it was just something he seemed to never grow out of. "It was good getting to see you again." I back up and noticed the sadness and confusion in his eyes.

"Yeah. You too." It seemed like a question or a formality. He backed up and started walking away again.

I sat down and I started to feel sick. That whole thing wasn't what I'd imagined would happen had we crossed paths again. I started to cry, maybe not just because of Daryl, but everything that had been building. He was just the icing on the cake at that point. I ended up puking on all fours, probably from the anxiety, then wiped off my mouth and sat off away from the area to let the rest out in the form of tears. I didn't know why this upset me so much, enough to break me, but it did and I had to make sure I fixed things with him before I left. I had to make sure to fix as much as I could before I left. Including my broken soul.